


When It's All Over

by cottagecore_sprout



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (mostly), Angst, Bisexuality, Canon Compliant, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Lesbian, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Romance, Slow Burn, dorlene, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:54:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 153,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26059042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottagecore_sprout/pseuds/cottagecore_sprout
Summary: Growing up is difficult. What makes it even worse? Fights, manipulative friends, a shitty family, full moons, Quidditch injuries, blood purists, and, of course, confusing queer feelings for roommates that keep creeping back up no matter how hard one tries to push them down.These are just a few things on the minds of the Marauders and co. as they try to figure out how to live their lives as their world starts to burn around them. Follows the lives of the Marauders and their friends, until the very end.1969-1998
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 37
Kudos: 81





	1. A Taste of Freedom

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is a multi-chapter fanfiction which will cover the time between approximately 1969 and 1998. The chapters will be told from various characters’ perspectives, and it will jump a bit in time sometimes. This fic will focus on Wolfstar primarily, but also Dorlene (Dorcas x Marlene), and Jily.
> 
> Some chapter will deal with difficult real world issues, and I will have content warnings (marked as cw) at the beginning of any chapters that I think might be triggering for people, but if you notice that I don’t and you think I should, please comment or message me and I will add it in the notes section! I will post a new chapter every week on Sunday.
> 
> We do not support J.K. Rowling here. This is a safe space for people of all races, ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, religions, people with disabilities and who are neurodivergent, etc.. I am open to all input on how to make my stories more inclusive as well!
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> cw: mentions of abuse, violence

Throughout his childhood, Sirius Black learned many things. He learned how to read, he learned how to write, he learned how to speak French and Spanish and read Latin, he learned how to speak in the right way to adults at his parents’ dinner parties (though he hadn’t quite learned when to shut up), and he learned how to hold his fork and knife the right way and what utensil to use at what course of a meal. He learned what it meant to be a Black, the responsibility that he would have as the heir of the Black family when he was older, and the duties associated with the title. In addition, Sirius learned what he should hide from his parents, and the fine art of how to conceal these things.

Several essential things were left out of his highly priced education, however. His tutors never taught him about the controversies of the world outside of his home, and he never learned about the world of the Muggles he had been assured were lower beings, not worthy of his notice. They never taught him about the world of children beyond his house, who played and laughed and whose parents allowed them to make mistakes.

Other things, which were beyond the scope of his tutors and which his parents had neglected to teach him, included the knowledge of what it felt like to be loved, unconditionally, with nothing demanded of him. He never learned what it felt like to be tucked into bed at the end of a long, tiring day of adventures with a kiss on his forehead. His father never hoisted him up onto his shoulders at a park, laughing, nor carried him to bed after he fell asleep on the stairs.

Therefore, Sirius lived a lonely childhood, starved for the comfort of a friendly face, but never quite understanding what he longed for, as he never knew any different from the cold, proper manners of the Black family he had grown up in. The only comfort in Sirius’ life before Hogwarts was his brother, Regulus, who was two years younger than him.

The two Black sons were as close as any two siblings could be, despite their difference in age, due to the fact that each was the only companion the other had. Their cousins—Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa—were older than them, and they only occasionally saw them, mostly at formal family dinners where the children were required to sit straight in their chairs and not say a word.

Therefore, Sirius and Regulus were alone with each other more than most typical siblings, leading them to grow a bond closer than typical siblings, as well. Their differences, though sometimes extreme, were discounted in favor of their common circumstance and the bond that formed between them in the face of the indifference of their parents.

As the older sibling, Sirius dictated much of what the two did together, having a tendency to order his younger brother around. Regulus, who hero-worshipped his older brother, was mostly happy with his role as a follower in whatever mischief Sirius devised, but could also be counted upon to deviate from his brother’s careful instructions at times. The moments when Regulus rebelled against his brother were inevitably the moments when he got caught in activities that displeased his parents, as Sirius’ plans were always carefully designed to avoid detection and punishment. Sirius had always been more conscious of his parents’ patterns than his younger brother.

However, whenever Regulus was caught in rulebreaking, Sirius never failed to step in to protect his younger brother from his parents’ wrath, taking the lashes from his father’s belt for Regulus at times. He never reprimanded his brother for these instances. In fact, Sirius never mentioned the steps that he always had taken to shield his younger sibling from his parents, never questioning his role as a protector of the younger boy.

Still, Sirius loved his brother. He loved him more than anyone else in the entire world, and would never dream of exposing him to the cruelty he had been subject to for many years from his parents. If he had to take the angry backhand from his mother or the lashes from his father, it would all be worth it as long as Regulus grew up without the pain. He hoped his younger brother would learn from his mistakes by seeing his older brother take the heat for them. Unfortunately, under Sirius’ shield, Regulus became the favorite son of the family, and never quite managed to comprehend the lengths to which his older brother went to protect him from the nastier aspects of being a Black.

The first time that Sirius Black had left the house of Black alone was at the age of nine. By this age, he was far past the point of being overwhelmed by the oppressive darkness and gloominess, not to mention the elf heads on the wall and portraits sneering at him around every corner. The day when it all became too much, he finally dared to tiptoe down the hall to the front door, which he opened to let a fresh breeze blow past him into the house. He took a deep breath, as if he had never truly breathed anything so pure in his entire life, then, glancing behind him furtively, dashed out the front door, closing it behind him and running down the stairs to the street. Sirius didn’t stop running until he was two blocks away, at which point he slowed to a brisk walk, thinking that he must be out of sight of anyone to do with the dark house by this point.

He continued to walk purposefully away from Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, though not quite knowing where he was going. Eventually, he reached a bustling main street filled with shoppers. Barely anyone gave him a second look, despite the fact that he was a child without a parent to be seen in the heart of London. He supposed that this had to do with his naturally casual air of purpose and confidence, despite the fact that he had absolutely no idea where he was or what he was going to do now that he had escaped his house. After being pushed this way and that by the bustling crowd for several minutes, he spotted a patch of green as he glanced down a sidestreet and veered towards it.

After walking a block, he reached the park nestled between the busy city streets. Hesitating at the gate, he watched children of all ages playing in the grass, on the playground, and in the trees. Their parents watched them from park benches and picnic blankets laid out in the sun. Sirius realized, later than he probably should have, that these people—children and adults—were all likely Muggles. His breath caught in his throat. He had never talked to a Muggle before, never even interacted with one in any capacity, nor had he seen one so close. He remembered the stories he had heard from his parents of the Muggles’ violence and ferocity against wizards, as well as their inferiority to him. As he looked on, he was quite shocked on how _normal_ they all looked.

Despite the lump in his throat, he realized that he desperately wanted to go into the park, to play in the grass and the trees and on the playground, something he had scarcely even thought about doing before. He was used to only playing in the dingy and forgotten corners of his house in Grimmauld Place, making games out of the dust and shadows and bits of forgotten magical objects he found there. Right in front of him, the green grass seemed more of a luxury than any of the fine things he had come from. He pushed the gate open and entered.

Once he had entered the park, all sense of hesitation left Sirius, and he ran over to the playground where he saw several children his age swinging back and forth on a large structure where plastic seats were attached to long chain links. Sirius sat on one and tentatively tried to mimic their movements. After a while he got the hang of it, swinging back and forth with the other children. He let out a careless laugh of joy as he went higher and higher, relishing the feeling of weightlessness. He felt freer than he ever had, on a playground surrounded by Muggles where nobody knew or cared what family he belonged to or what his surname was.

After a while, the other children next to him seemed to decide that he was an alright companion, and engaged him in conversation. “What’s your name?” The boy beside him asked as he swung back and forth in time with Sirius.

“I’m Sirius,” Sirius said, continuing to swing higher as he enjoyed his newfound freedom. He realized he wasn’t even bothered by the friendliness of the Muggle boy beside him, despite the fact that he had been warned never to interact with Muggles of any sort. Sirius knew that if his parents found out that he had left the house and ventured into a Muggle park, he would be punished severely, whether he spoke to this Muggle boy or not.

“I’m Jack,” the boy said, grinning at Sirius. One of his front teeth was missing, no doubt he was growing in the new one. “I’m ten.”

“I’m nine!” Replied Sirius enthusiastically. He had just thought of another thing. High up in the air, he could jump off the swing, just as he had seen several children do as he was coming in to the park. As he reached the peak of his next swing, he let go with his hands of the chains, propelling himself forward onto the grass in front of the swings. He landed on his feet after a split second of complete weightlessness in the air, despite stumbling slightly. He grinned, pleased with himself. Jack jumped off after him, landing beside him on the grass and tumbling slightly.

“Nice one!” Jack exclaimed, grinning at Sirius toothily. The boy on the other side of Sirius stopped his swing by dragging his feet in the dirt slightly, then ran to join them, breathless. Jack gestured to his friend. “This is Trevor. We go to primary school together.”

“Nice to meet you,” Sirius said, extending his hand. Trevor shook it, looking slightly bemused.

“You must be posh. Your accent sounds posh,” Trevor said, grinning slightly at Sirius. It was true that the accent that these two boys sported was different to anything that Sirius had ever heard in the voices of his family and their friends. The way these two boys spoke and carried themselves also felt foreign, more relaxed and down to earth than anything Sirius was familiar with.

He blushed, but neither Trevor nor Jack seemed perturbed by the observation. “Wanna go climb that tree?” Jack asked, another grin splitting his freckled face. Sirius nodded fervently, and as Trevor and Jack raced each other to the tree Jack had pointed out, Sirius sped after them after just a split second of hesitation.

Sirius pushed himself up the tree after the older boys, using the knots in the roots he had observed them using to scale it. He had never done anything like this before. It felt so physical and joyful, dangerous yet thrilling. While Trevor and Jack stopped in the lower branches, Sirius continued to scale the tree above them, wanting to climb higher to survey the world from an angle he had never experienced. The older boys looked on, admiring and slightly shocked at his nerve.

Only when he was a good 10 feet above the Muggle boys did Sirius stop to look down. The park looked smaller from this view, and he could see further than he had ever before, across some of the rooftops of the surrounding buildings. London was vast, he realized, an observation he had never been able to make in the past, trapped in his home.

As Sirius began to climb farther, however, he heard a sharp crack above him at the branch he had just grabbed and it gave way, sending him tumbling out of the tree, past the other boys who shouted in alarm as he fell from the large height. However, Sirius’ fall, for one reason or another, was not as fast as one would expect, nor was the ground as hard as someone might have guessed when looking at it. As it happened, Sirius landed on his feet but was immediately knocked onto his knees by the impact, which would surely be bruised from the impact. Despite all this, Sirius laughed as he hit the ground, his fall feeling not unlike his jump from the swing, weightless and carefree.

The other two boys, much lower to the ground, scrambled back down the tree and rushed over to him to see if he was alright. Once they realized he was fine, they began to laugh with him, though extremely startled by the whole experience. Several adults came over just then, no doubt seeing the fall.

“Are you alright, dear?” Asked a woman who seemed to be about Sirius’ mother’s age. Unlike his mother, however, she had a kind and concerned look on her face which Sirius had never once seen on Walburga Black. She scanned her eyes up and down his frame, looking for injuries but spotting none.

“I’m okay,” Sirius said, his laughter ceasing and looking at her warily, suspicious of her warmth and concern.

“That was quite the fall you took!” She exclaimed, reaching out a soft hand to brush his face in a motherly way. “You should be careful not to climb too high in the future, I always tell Jack that.”

“Come on mum, he said he’s fine!” Jack exclaimed impatiently, looking embarrassed. A man stepped forward, looking at Sirius with the same compassionate, concerned manner as the woman which Sirius was so unused to.

“Where are your parents, son? I’m sure they would be concerned about the fall you just took, just like Mary and I. Are they around?”

Sirius became fearful, realizing that he couldn’t tell this man the truth, no matter how friendly he seemed. He made up a lie, instead, his practiced tongue forming the story. “My mother and father are at the bank. They said to wait here for them here.”

Mary and her husband exchanged a worried glance at his words. “They left you here alone? Well, I suppose… I should just assure them when they come to collect you that you’re all right.”

“There’s no need. I can tell them. I’m fine,” Sirius said, a bit defensively. He could feel the worry and sympathy coming from this Muggle woman, but he didn’t quite understand it. He could never imagine his mother showing this level of concern for any child that wasn’t her own. He couldn’t even bring up any memory of his mother showing this amount of concern about him or Regulus. He wondered briefly if this was some sort of trap that the Muggles were setting for him, as if they knew he wasn’t one of them.

He glanced at the woman’s watch. Quarter-till six. He had been away from his house for more than an hour. He had to get back before his absence was noted. “I’m going to go and see if my parents are done at the bank,” he said abruptly to the kind woman. Trevor and Jack both waved after him as he began to back away towards the gate he had entered through.

“Bye, Sirius! Come back and hang out with us again,” Trevor shouted after him, as Jack yelled, “Nice jump! You’ll have to teach me how to land on my feet like that some other time.” Sirius grinned at them, doubting he would ever see either of these Muggle boys again. He turned back around, listening to the sounds of Mary scolding Jack lightly behind him and telling him not to jump from trees from that high, affection still in her voice.

He exited the park as fast as he could without running, hoping that neither the Muggle woman called Mary nor her concerned husband would follow him. He made his way back to the high street he had walked down before, trying to retrace his steps. He did a pretty good job, too, finding Grimmauld Place without too much trouble. He ascended the stairs with dread in his heart, both for the prospect of of going back into the oppressive house he had been so relieved to escape, and also fearing the punishment that would come if anyone had noticed his absence.

He turned the doorknob as softly as he could, knowing it would open for him without a key due to the magic of the house. Locks were not strictly necessary, as it would only open for members of the Black family. He tiptoed into the hall, closing the door behind him. He moved down the hallway quietly, relieved to find no one in the foyer. He slipped up the staircase, ascending the stairs to his bedroom and collapsing gratefully on the vast bed, which was much too large for his seven year old form.

His heartbeat began to slow as his mind processed the events of his excursion. He felt overwhelmed by everything that he had experienced. He felt as if he had learned more in one afternoon than in all his tutoring sessions combined. The whole world had been out there all along, with him being none the wiser to what it offered him that this dark, formal house did not.

The two Muggle boys he had met—boys nearer to his age than anyone he had ever met—they had not seemed to mind his obvious difference to them. Sirius was used to difference being treated like a mark of inferiority, and knew from experience that if he took any misstep with people from his family he would be met with sneers and cold silence. However, they had simply met his difference with curiosity and admiration, something he was quite unused to.

And that Muggle woman, Mary… she had treated him as if she truly cared about what happened to him. She spoke to him in tones of protectiveness and concern, something he only recognized through his own feelings about Regulus. He had no idea why a perfect stranger would treat him in such a way. All the tales his parents had told him about Muggles suddenly seemed suspect in light of this new evidence.

Just then, he heard a creak outside his door. He lifted his head, frightened, and scrambled to grab a book from his bedside table, opening it hastily to pretend he had been reading. The doorknob turned, and the door opened to show his 7 year old brother, Regulus, standing in the doorway, looking at Sirius suspiciously.

“Where were you? I looked all over,” he said, reproach evident in his voice. Sirius looked over at his brother, hitching a well-practiced casual and unconcerned look onto his face, and shrugged.

“I dunno. I was downstairs for a bit, reading and stuff.”

“I looked downstairs!” Regulus said accusatorily. Sirius grinned at his brother.

“You must not have looked properly, then,” he said, a teasing note in his voice. He felt a twinge of guilt for lying to his brother, but he also knew that he couldn’t risk telling him the truth. Regulus had too big of a mouth, and, anyway, Sirius wanted to keep his excursion as something just his own.

Regulus let out a huff of annoyance and slumped onto Sirius’ bed next to his older brother. “I’m bored,” he said, Sirius’ previous whereabouts seeming to leave his mind completely. Internally, Sirius let out a sigh of relief.

Despite Sirius’ fear of punishment, he found himself leaving the house again a couple of days later. He did not return to the same park, but wandered more freely about London, observing a great many things. He was endlessly fascinated by the Muggles’ habits, from their conversations to the places they shopped. He even ventured into some of the stores, leaving each time a clerk asked where his parents were. He began to be very practiced with making up these type of excuses, too.

After returning home, he perused the large library in the Black house, looking for books that would give him some insight into the inner lives of the Muggles he observed. After skimming some, he realized that all the tommes held the same limited view of Muggles which his parents spouted continuously, and resolved to find some other source of information.

The next time he left the house, he followed signs he saw towards a Muggle library, and pulled out books from shelves, devouring their contents greedily. He read stories similar to ones he was used to as a child, but without the type of magic he was used to in them. He perused fairy tales, fantasy, history, and books of all sorts. He read self-help books curiously, not quite understanding their purpose but fascinated with them all the same. He came back, week after week during the hours when he knew his parents would not notice his absence.

He was especially fascinated with the way that Muggles portrayed witches and wizards in literature. They had varied accounts, from fairy tales where witches had warts on their noses and cast curses, to fantasy novels where magic saved the hero from death.

He discovered after months of visiting the library that he could take some books home, borrowing them and hiding them beneath his mattress until he was finished and could return them. He was grateful for this discovery, as it meant he could spend more of his stolen time outside the house exploring Muggle London and less in the library, where the librarians were starting to ask questions and recognize him as he came in. He was still unused to stranger’s care and concern for him.

Despite the convenience of taking library books home, it also added another element of risk to the situation, which was the risk of being caught with a Muggle book in his possession. One night in the summer before his eleventh birthday, when his family was set to have dinner with his cousins, the possibility of being caught almost became a reality. Sirius had been so absorbed in his book that he failed to notice the sounds of people arriving downstairs. He didn’t even notice the sound of someone outside his door on the landing, only looking up as he heard a sharp knock on his door. He froze, panicking.

The doorknob turned, and opened to reveal his middle cousin, Andromeda, standing in the doorway and peering in at him. He hastily shoved his book under the covers of his bed, but not quickly or casually enough for it to not look suspicious. Andy smiled at him, shutting the door behind her softly. Six years older than he, Andy was going into her sixth year of Hogwarts. She had long, light brown hair, wide grey eyes like Sirius’ own, and despite her well-bred and proper manner, exuded an air of kindness that neither her older nor younger sister had ever managed.

“Your mum asked me to come up and bring you down for dinner,” Andy said, smiling at Sirius. She moved over towards him and sat down on the bed, moving the covers away to pick up his book from under them. He flinched, slightly, as she lifted it up to survey it. Shockingly, she only smiled and placed it back under the covers. “ _The Chronicles of Narnia_ were my favorite when I was your age, as well.”

Sirius couldn’t hide his shock. “You were allowed to read Muggle books when you were my age?” He demanded. Andromeda gave him a crafty, half-smile.

“Of course not. And I gather you aren’t, either?”

Sirius shook his head, dumbfounded. Andy gave him a reassuring, but slightly reprimanding look. “You should be careful when you read those, and hide them well,” she said, giving the book a pat from above his covers. Then, she stood up and offered him her hand. “Come on, let’s go downstairs before we both get in trouble with your mum.”

Sirius took her hand, still shocked by the encounter. He had never been close with any of his cousins due to their age difference, and the fact that they weren’t really allowed to speak during family dinners. Still, this interaction with Andromeda alone made him wish desperately that he could talk to her for longer. It had never occurred to him that any member of his family had ever defied the strict rules set to them before him, only adding to his deep sense of isolation from the rest of his relatives. Now that he knew Andy had bent these regulations, too, he felt a strong urge to tell her about his adventures and what he had learned about the world outside Grimmauld Place. Perhaps she could even tell him more than he had already learned. Unfortunately, though, Sirius never got any chance to speak to Andy alone at any of the following family dinners he saw her at, much as he tried.

Sirius’ secret excursions felt like another life he lived, unknown to any member of Grimmauld Place. Still, the more time he spent in Muggle London, the greater his discontent became with his lot, and the more trapped he felt when inside the confines of his home. By the time he was 11 and ready to leave for Hogwarts, he was exploding with rage against his family. He was tired of biting his tongue at every family dinner and conversation.

He had learned by then, by observation and by reading, that not every family was like his. He watched parents in parks watch their children with concern and love in their eyes, run after them to care for them as they fell down or scraped their skin on the dirt. He escaped into stories of children who grew up in families that tucked them into bed every night, and didn’t meet minor missteps and mistakes with beatings and screaming.

He didn’t know how to communicate any of what he had learned with Regulus, didn’t even know how to start. He was terrified—and rightly so, he thought—that if he shared any of his adventures with Regulus that his brother would go to his parents. He thought, perhaps, it was kinder for Regulus not to know that their life was miserable compared to most children. Anyway, he worried that if he started to talk openly to Regulus about his reservations about their family’s beliefs, Regulus might start to repeat his words, and Sirius cared too much about his brother to let that happen. Therefore, he kept his rage inside, and bit his tongue.

In later years, Sirius would regret his silence as much as he regretted the shield he had become between his parents’ and his younger brother. He couldn’t help but wonder whether, if he had spoken his mind earlier, or let his brother learn the cruelty of his parents himself instead of shielding him, things would have turned out differently for the two boys.

As the prospect of going to Hogwarts grew closer, he became more and more restless. Finally, he thought, finally he would be able to escape. Once he received his letter, his mother consented to oversee his trip to Diagon Alley to get his school things. She did this mostly without comment, positive or negative. Sirius, though extremely excited, knew that he could not show it in his mother’s presence, so he bottled it inside as they went about collecting his school supplies. She bought him an owl, commenting that “This is the only acceptable pet for someone of your station.” Sirius tried hard to fight the enthusiasm in his voice as he thanked her.

Their trip to Ollivanders was his favorite by far. The feeling of his wand in his hand was better than anything he could have imagined. He felt as if raw power was running through his body to his wand like nothing he had ever felt before. Despite his parents’ constant running reminders that, as a Black, he was superior to others, his lack of independence and fear of his parents meant that he had had little to no power at any point in his childhood. Not even his secret and dangerous excursions outside the house, which had felt rebellious and risky, had compared to the feeling of his own magic running through the wand in his hand. It felt fantastic.

His parents said goodbye to him on the morning of September 1st, 1971 with a curt reminder to “remember his station while he was at Hogwarts,” letting Kreacher apparate him a secluded spot outside of King's Cross Station. As the house elf disapperated again, leaving Sirius to find his own way to the platform, Sirius felt the most free he had ever felt. He remembered what his father had told him about Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, quickly finding the barrier between platforms nine and ten and striding through it with his trolly after looking to see if any Muggles were watching. As he appeared at the platform, his elation grew. It was loud and bustling, students running around greeting friends, owls hooting, and parents giving last reminders to their children. It was chaotic and exciting, the kind of environment Sirius knew he would thrive in, unlike the cold silence of Grimmauld Place. A wide smile split his face as he realized that he would not have to see his parents, or be in that house, for three whole months at least. He heaved his trunk onto the train, and leapt up after it, putting it in the luggage compartment.

Sirius walked down the corridor of the train, trying to resist the urge to skip, and slid open the door of the nearest compartment. It was empty, so he settled himself down in a middle seat and stared out towards the platform. The feeling of possibility spread through his whole body, and he grinned widely.

The whistle on the train blew, and the platform began to empty as other students clambered up into the train hastily, not wanting to be left behind. The compartment door slid open, and Sirius turned his head to see another boy who appeared to be his own age at the threshold. He had warm brown skin, very messy black hair, and hazel eyes behind round-rimmed glasses. “Alright if I join you?” Asked the boy, a smile in his voice. Sirius grinned back.

“Of course!”

The messy-haired boy threw himself into the seat across from Sirius, surveying the other boy curiously before engaging him in friendly conversation. Another whistle sounded, and the train lurched into motion, gaining speed as it sped out of the station, leaving London behind.

Sirius gazed out of the window as the train sped quickly into countryside. He looked out past the expanse of green fields that the Hogwarts Express passed towards the horizon, bright with the midday sun. Never before, Sirius thought, had anything looked so hopeful and promising in his life. Whatever adventures were in his future, he felt sure they would be even greater than any he had had thus far.


	2. The Adventures of James Potter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter incorporates one of the flashbacks scenes from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which I do not own.

At the age of eleven, James Potter viewed his life as a great adventure. Day in and day out, his main interest was finding new and exciting things to explore. This was how he viewed going to Hogwarts, as well: the greatest adventure of his life thus far. September 1st, 1971 was one of the biggest and most exciting days of James Potter’s young life, as both of his parents escorted him to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters to board the Hogwarts Express for his first year of Hogwarts.

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, in James’ opinion, were the best parents in the entire world. Despite, or perhaps because of, their advancing age—they had had James in their fifties—they doted on their son constantly, giving James the best of everything, though he valued their love and care much more than anything they had ever bought him. Growing up, James had spent his time enjoying his parents’ company, reading the many books in their library at home, and exploring the countryside near his house, which resided at the top of a hill in the rural west of England. In fact, the only thing James had ever felt a lack of was children his own age to be friends with.

He had had few people to spend time with, other than his parents, until the age of seven. At that point, he struck up a close friendship with two girls his own age who belonged to similar pureblood families, Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnon. Dorcas and Marlene had known each other for longer than James, but had readily accepted him into their little group upon their introduction at a garden party at the Potter house four years before. They found much in common, including their intense shared interest in going to Hogwarts. Together, they went on many adventures, exploring each other’s houses and towns, as well as the countrysides near them. They made a lot of mischief as well, collectively revelling in the newfound magic that was beginning to show itself in each of them.

James cared deeply about both Marley and Dorcas, valuing their friendship highly, partially because of his experience with being alone before they came along. In addition, James’ upbringing had taught him the value of love over anything else in the world, and both of his parents reminded him of the importance of not taking love for granted. Therefore, he cherished them, willing to go to the ends of the world for the people he cared about. Still, Dorcas and Marlene had a bond that he couldn’t touch, and while he didn’t resent them for it, he did wish he could find the same closeness with other people his age.  
Therefore, Hogwarts was exciting to James not only for the castle, the ghosts, the feasts, and the lessons he had heard so much about; he was also ecstatic to be around more people his own age. Still, he would miss his parents, and his goodbye to Fleamont and Euphemia Potter was slightly heart-wrenching.

“I’ll write to you all the time,” James said, hugging his mother. Euphemia sniffed slightly, stroking her hand over her son’s messy black hair. Of course, she was happy for James, and excited for him to experience Hogwarts as she had, as it was a wonderful time for most young witches and wizards. Still, she would miss him. Their house would be awfully quiet without his mischief and energy filling it all of the time.

Euphemia drew back, smiling at James, who turned to hug his dad. Fleamont also looked a bit mournful to see his son go, and held on for longer than usual. Once he drew back, they both surveyed James proudly. “You’re going to have an amazing time,” Euphemia said. James beamed up at her, his hair sticking up in every direction and falling into his hazel eyes, which shone excitedly behind a pair of round, wire-rimmed glasses.

“Remember to behave yourself, son,” Fleamont said, only slightly sternly, as he smiled down at James. James laughed slightly, a mischievous look on his face.

“Don’t worry, I won’t get into _too_ much trouble,” he said. His parents both laughed.

“Thank you, James, that’s awfully comforting. I will expect a letter from Professor Dumbledore by the second week of classes,” Euphemia said, smiling despite herself before reaching down to hug him again briefly. “Are you going to sit with Marlene and Dorcas on the train?”

“I haven’t seen them, but I reckon we’ll find each other at some point along the journey,” James said, carelessly. All of James’ things were already in a luggage rack on the train, and all that was left was for him to follow them. A whistle sounded on the platform, the first warning that the train would be leaving in a minute or two. James’ parents ushered him onto the steam engine, waving their goodbyes slightly tearfully from the platform, and he waved back before turning and shutting the door behind him. He walked down the hallway, peering into the compartments. The one to his right held four chattering older students, but the one to his left was empty but for one boy who looked like he might be in first year, too. Another whistle sounded through the platform as James slid the compartment door open, grinning as the boy looked up to him curiously.

“Alright if I join you?” He said. The boy smiled back at him.

“Of course!” He said, gesturing for James to sit. James closed the door behind him, sitting across from the other boy. He took in his appearance: he looked about the same height as James and had short, dark brown hair and grey eyes. He looked well-groomed and well-fed, though James noticed that he carried himself slightly stiffly, as though he wasn’t quite sure how to act in James’ presence.

“I’m James Potter,” James said, holding out a hand for the other boy to shake. The dark-haired boy shook it, smiling slightly.

“I’m Sirius Black,” the other boy said. James felt like he should recognize the surname; perhaps he had heard his or his friends’ parents talking about the family? He was relatively sure it was a pureblood name, not that it mattered to him either way.

“You’re a first year, right?”

“Yeah, you too?” Sirius asked, looking hopeful.

“Yeah, I am,” James grinned, glad of having met someone his own age already, and gleaning that by Sirius’ hopeful tone, he might be desperate for some friends his own age as well. “I’m so excited to be going to Hogwarts finally! I’ve heard so many wonderful things about it from my parents.”

“I’m excited, too,” Sirius said, “Honestly, though, no one in my family ever goes into specifics about what it’s like. I don’t know quite what to expect.”

James grinned and launched into an excited explanation of all the things he had heard or been told about Hogwarts, from the ghosts to the secret passages that littered the castle. “And I heard that the grounds are beautiful, and the lake has a giant squid in it! It all sounds so brill, I’m so excited to explore it all!”

Sirius had stared at James intently during his explanation, drinking in every word with a grin on his face. When James finished, Sirius exclaimed, “Wow, that sounds brilliant! I’ve never been allowed to explore that much space before, it all sounds so free.”

“Well, there are lots of rules, to be sure,” James said, quirking a mischievous half-grin. “Although I’m sure I’ll be able to find my way around them.” Sirius laughed, and James thought he might make a great companion for rule-breaking. Just then, the door of the compartment opened again, and both boys looked up to see a girl in the doorway with pale skin, dark red hair, and striking green eyes. James felt quite startled by this astonishing collection of features, and only registered the frown on the girl’s face a moment later.

“Can I sit here?” The girl said, her voice sounding rather small. Both James and Sirius nodded in unison, both smiling at her in turn. She walked past them and sat down in the corner by the window, far away from them, and they glanced at each other confusedly before beginning their conversation up again, recognizing that she seemed to want to be left alone.

“So, where are you from?” James asked Sirius.

“I live in London with my family.”

“So I guess you don’t get to see much of the countryside?” James said, trying to imagine growing up in a city, without the stars laid out above him every night.

“Not much of it, no,” Sirius said, looking a bit downtrodden. “I don’t get to see much outside my own house, actually, unless I go out on my own,” Sirius said, shrugging slightly and looking a bit uncomfortable. James couldn’t imagine going out on his own in the middle of London, and wondered if these trips out were sanctioned by Sirius’ parents, but didn’t ask.

“I can’t imagine growing up in a city,” James said, in wonder, “I grew up in the countryside, in the west of England. You probably wouldn’t even recognize the name, it’s so far in the middle of nowhere!”

“Oh, yeah?” Sirius said, looking interested. “What’s that like?”

“Pretty brill,” James said, smiling as he thought of his home. “We live at the top of the hill, practically no one else around for miles. I’m always exploring the woods, there’s a pond for swimming near my house, and a clearing that I practice Quidditch at nearby.”

“That sounds amazing,” Sirius said, enviously. “I’ve flown a little, when we go over to my cousins’ house, but I wish I could do more of it.”

“At Hogwarts we can fly all the time!” James exclaimed, excited at the prospect. “Of course, we’re not allowed our own brooms until second year, so we’ll have to put up with the old school brooms, but still! We get lessons, too, not that I really need them,” he said rather arrogantly, but grinned in a friendly way nonetheless.

They continued to discuss all the things that they were excited about at Hogwarts, laughing with each other for the next few minutes before the compartment door opened once again. They both glanced up to see who it was, and took in the appearance of another boy their same age, already in Hogwarts robes, with long black hair and a hooked nose. He ignored them, and shut the compartment door before going to sit down across from the red-headed girl. Sirius raised his eyebrows at James, smiling amusedly at the boy’s rudeness, and James shrugged back, grinning too, before going back to their conversation about the subjects they would be studying.

They ignored the black-haired boy and the red-headed girl for a minute or two before their conversation increased in volume, and his ears perked up as he heard the boy mention houses. “Slytherin?” He said, raising his eyebrows at the black-haired boy who had spoken and grinning slightly. “Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?” He said, turning to smile at Sirius, hoping he would share in the joke. All that James had ever heard or read about Slytherin suggested to him that, from the beginning, the founder of the house had perpetuated disgusting blood status myths, and prejudice was still a critical element of the identity of the house to this day. He wasn’t sure why anyone would want to be part of that legacy. Sirius looked quite shifty, however, and didn’t grin back.

“My whole family have been in Slytherin,” he said, grimacing slightly back at James. James raised his eyebrows, taken off guard, this fact not fitting at all with the impression he had gotten from Sirius thus far.

“Blimey, and I thought you seemed alright!” He said jokingly, hoping that Sirius would not hold the earlier comment against him. He was relieved when Sirius grinned back, mischievously.

“Maybe I’ll break the tradition,” Sirius said. “Where are you heading, if you’ve got the choice?”

James imitated lifting a sword in front of him playfully. “Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!” He said, repeating the words he had read before in _Hogwarts, a History_. He dropped his hand, grinning. “Like my dad.” Fleamont Potter had always told him great things about Gryffindor house, and although Euphemia had been a Ravenclaw, James had always dreamed of the day that he would be sorted into Gryffindor. Not that Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff were lesser, but he wanted to be brave, to be like his father, whom he hero-worshipped.

The hook-nosed, black-haired boy let out a slight snort of disgust which he made no effort to disguise. James turned to glare at him, “Got a problem with that?” He said coldly.

“No,” the boy sneered slightly, “If you’d rather be brawny than brainy—”

“Where’re you hoping to go, seeing as you’re neither?” Sirius interjected, and James roared with laughter, glad that Sirius obviously shared the same immediate distaste he had for this boy, with his cold sneer and superior tone. The red-haired girl stood up then, abruptly, her cheeks flushed, and glared from James to Sirius.

“Come on, Severus,” she said, her tone rather self-righteous, “Let’s find another compartment.”

“Oooo…” James and Sirius imitated in unison, laughing together, James sticking out his foot slightly to trip the greasy-haired boy as he followed the girl out of the compartment.

“See ya, Snivellus!” James called after him as the compartment door slammed behind them. He turned to Sirius, rolling his eyes. “Well, they were friendly.”

Sirius looked a bit angry, glaring out the compartment door after them. “I don’t know who would want to get sorted into Slytherin, really. I mean, if they removed themselves from the backwards blood status beliefs that Salazar Slytherin had, they probably wouldn’t be as bad, but as they are…” He trailed off, sighing deeply, then hitching a grin back on his face as he met James’ eyes again. “Also, I heard from my cousins that their dormitory is underneath the lake, so it’s all gloomy and slimy-looking down there.”

James gazed at him, wondering what the right thing to say was in that moment. “Your whole family was really in Slytherin? Like, everyone?”

Sirius nodded, smirking slightly in a detached sort of way. “Everyone that I know of. Crazy, huh? I even have one cousin in fifth year, still there.”

“I can’t even imagine,” James sighed, shaking his head. “I bet your parents want you to be in there, too, then?”

“That’s the expectation, yes,” Sirius said, running a hand through his short hair tiredly. “Though, like I said, I’m not too keen on the idea.”

“Well, then, maybe you’ll be in Gryffindor with me!” James said, trying to cheer Sirius up, as talking about his family clearly made him upset. Sirius quirked a slight smile, perking up slightly at the idea.

“That would be good,” he said. Just then, the door of the compartment opened again, but this time, James looked up in relief to see two familiar faces grinning back at him.

“We wondered where you’d got off to,” Dorcas said, smirking and entering the compartment, throwing herself in the seat next to James. Marlene followed, smiling at Sirius slightly before sitting beside him, across from Dorcas.

“And I was wondering how long it would take you to find me,” James said, grinning back at them, too.

“We met some people, got caught up,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes at him. “ _You_ didn’t bother to look for us, did you?”

“I’ve been busy replacing you two,” James said, jokingly, gesturing across at Sirius, who looked a bit out of place. “Dorcas, Marlene, this is Sirius Black. Sirius, this is Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnon,” he said, pointing at each of them in turn. They both smiled back at him. Dorcas Meadowes had medium brown skin, a slight smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks, dark eyes, and brown hair that just reached her shoulders in ringlets. Marlene McKinnon was pale and freckled, with blue eyes and wavy, light blonde hair.

“Black?” Dorcas said, questioningly. “Isn’t your family part of the sacred twenty-eight?” So James had been right, they were a pureblood family. Sirius looked a bit uncomfortable.

“Yes,” he said, shortly. Dorcas grinned at him, a teasing expression on her face.

“You don’t believe any of that stuff, though, do you? Blood mania and all?”

“No, of course not,” Sirius said quickly. “I mean, my family does, but I don’t.”

“Good,” Dorcas said, still smiling at him. “We’re all purebloods too, Jamie and Marley and I, but you’d never find us on that old list.”

“Us blood traitors have got to stick together,” Marlene said, grinning as she looked from James to Dorcas conspiratorially.

“So, your parents don’t believe in any of it, either?” Sirius asked, dumbfounded. The other three all shook their heads, looking at him curiously. “Must be nice,” he said, sighing.

“Well, if you get sorted into Gryffindor, you won’t have to hear much of that stuff anymore, at least not at Hogwarts,” James reassured him, grinning. Sirius laughed, feeling quite flattered at the fact that James already seemed to like him enough to want to be in the same house.

“Oh, yeah, Gryffindor is the best by far,” Marlene cut in. “If we’re not all put in the same house, it’s a crime,” she said, glancing across at Dorcas.

“So, have you all known each other for a long time?” Sirius said, very curious. He had never known any other wizarding children his own age, only having interacted with his cousins and brother.

“Marlene and I have known each other since we were three,” Dorcas explained. “And we met James, here, when we were all seven. Our parents all run in the same circles, and my mum and Marlene’s dad work in the Ministry, which is how we know each other.”

“Wow,” Sirius said, trying to keep the envy out of his voice.

“I’ll be glad to have some people to hang out with other than these two,” James said to Sirius, looking over at Dorcas and Marlene teasingly. “We’re all quite sick of each other after years with only the three of us.” His tone of voice was joking, and Sirius knew he didn’t really mean it; the three were obviously very close, despite their poking fun at each other. Marlene stuck out her tongue at James.

“We will be quite glad to be rid of you, too, James, for a while,” she said. She glanced over at Sirius, meeting his eyes and smirking. “You’ll soon understand how annoying he can be, but he’s like a barnacle, once he’s latched onto you can never quite get him free.”

James opened his mouth in outrage as Dorcas exploded in peals of laughter, rolling around her seat. Sirius laughed along with her, deciding he quite liked the two girls, almost as much as he liked James. He had never really talked to anyone his own age before, and despite the fact that James, Marlene, and Dorcas came from a very different upbringing from his own, he was surprised at how easy it was to be around them. He decided, too, that he would quite like to be in the same house as them.

James, Marlene, Dorcas, and Sirius spent the rest of the train ride joking and laughing, talking longingly about what Hogwarts would be like, and gorging themselves on sweets when the trolley came around. Before they knew it, they were pulling into Hogsmeade station and the four of them, freshly changed into their school robes, were descending onto the platform.

James heard a loud, booming voice coming from somewhere down the platform, accompanied with a swinging lantern. “Firs’ years, firs’ years over here! C’mon, now!” James looked at the rest of the group, then began to push through the crowd, leading the way towards the voice. As they reached it, they found an already formed group of students their own age gathered around a very large man who was holding the lantern. James looked up at him, squinting to make out his features in the light. He was larger than any person James had ever seen in his life, and had long, tangled, brown hair and a beard to match. Despite his intimidating appearance at first glance, James thought he could make out a look of warmth and kindness in his small, krinkled, beetle-black eyes. Once the crowd of older students began to move away towards the school, and it seemed that no one else was going to join the group, the man gestured for them to follow him towards a steep downward path.

It was very dark, and James felt like his heart was in his throat from excitement as he followed the rest of the first years, trailing after the giant man. The whole group gasped as they passed around a bend and caught sight of a great castle on the hill.

“Yeah, that’s Hogwarts castle! We’ll be there soon.” The large man explained before continuing on. The path stopped abruptly in front of them at the edge of what James knew must be the Great Lake containing the Giant Squid. He was almost trembling with excitement at this point. There were many small boats at the bank, and James clambered into one, followed by Sirius, Marlene, and Dorcas. Once everyone was loaded into the boats, they began to propel themselves across the lake towards the castle of their own accord.

“This is amazing!” James whispered to Sirius next to him, not able to contain his excitement any longer. Sirius grinned back and nodded, trailing his hand in the water below him. “Watch out for the Giant Squid,” James said, jokingly. Sirius laughed slightly, but withdrew his hand. They soon arrived at a small, underground harbor, and climbed out of the boats onto the bank, now walking up a stone passageway until they reached the large, oak-front doors of Hogwarts.

The doors opened upon the large man’s knock to reveal a tall, stern-looking woman. “Thank you for bringing the first years, Hagrid. I will take them from here,” she said, nodding to the giant man. “My name is Professor McGonagall,” she said to the gathered students, before turning and leading them into an empty chamber off what must be the Great Hall, given the noise James could hear inside.

“Welcome to Hogwarts,” she said, walking swiftly ahead of them as they hurried to keep up. “We will soon begin the start-of-term feast, but before we do that, the Sorting will take place, where you will all be placed into a Hogwarts House. While you attend the school, your house will be like your family: you will eat with them, attend classes with the housemates in your year, sleep in your House’s dormitory, and spend your free time in the common room. In addition, every member of each house can gain and lose points for their own house, which, at the end of the year, are added up to determine who will win the house cup. You may gain points through lessons, Quidditch, and other achievements, while rule-breaking will lose you points, so remember to behave yourself. The four houses are Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin,” she said. She paused to look around at all of them, then continued. “I am going to check to see if the rest of the school is ready for you. I recommend you try to smarten yourselves up in the meantime, as the Sorting ceremony will take place in front of the whole school. Please wait quietly.”

Without another word, Professor McGonagall turned and disappeared out of the chamber. James attempted to smooth his hair slightly, though he knew it was no use; his hair would never lie flat, no matter how hard he or his parents tried. He looked around at Sirius, Marlene, and Dorcas. Sirius, he noted, looked completely petrified, his face white. On his other side, Dorcas had a look of anticipation and excitement on her face, which was mirrored on Marlene’s face, next to her. James felt like he was leaping out of his skin with excitement. _This is the moment_ , he thought, _the moment I’ve been waiting for my entire life._

Silence stretched among the first years in the minute or two that passed before Professor McGonagall was back. She returned, and told them to line up and follow her out of the chamber, back into the Entrance Hall, then through the doors to the Great Hall. James gasped at the grandeur of the hall, the candles floating unsupported above the four long house tables. His eyes scanned the silent faces staring up at the first years from each table as he lined up along with the rest of them, facing the hall.

James spotted what he knew to be the Sorting Hat, sitting innocently on a stool. As he watched, it opened its mouth and began to sing. It sang a song retelling the founding of Hogwarts, and described each of the four houses and the qualities they encompassed. Once the hat finished, Professor McGonagall, grasping a roll of parchment, began to read off a list of names. The first was George Abbott, who walked up to the hat and placed it on his head, clearly trying to keep calm. After a moment, the hat opened its mouth and called out, “HUFFLEPUFF!” George stood up, placing the hat back on the stool, and hurried towards the Hufflepuff table gratefully, which was applauding him.

“Black, Sirius!” McGonagall called out next, and Sirius stepped forward after a moment, looking as though he was about to pass out. James nudged his shoulder slightly as he passed him, trying to give him some encouragement. Sirius glanced at him, and managed a slight smile as he headed towards the hat. He placed the hat on his head, and sat on the stool. James saw that his hands appeared to be shaking slightly. _Gryffindor…_ James prayed silently, _Let him go to Gryffindor._ Sirius sat there, the hat on his head, for several moments longer than George Abbott, but finally, the hat opened its mouth and called out “GRYFFINDOR!”

James felt like joining in the clapping from the Gryffindor table, but refrained with difficulty. Unlike Abbott’s sorting, however, the hat’s decision for Sirius was met with a storm of angry muttering down at the Slytherin end of the hall along with the Gryffindor applause. Sirius cast a rather guilty look towards the Slytherin table before taking his seat at the Gryffindor table, an older student clapping him on the back. He looked quite a bit happier than he had moments ago, and James could see him visibly release a deep breath of relief.

James waited patiently as the hat called out other names, knowing it would be a while before it reached his. By the time it was his turn, there were only a few first years left in line. He had already watched eight other students be sorted into Gryffindor, including both Marlene and Dorcas, to his delight. He noticed the red-headed girl with her disapproving green-eyes had also been placed in Gryffindor. As McGonagall called his name, James stepped forward with confidence, sitting on the stool and placing the hat on his head, where it fell past his eyes.

A small voice, no doubt the hat’s, sounded in his ear. “Potter, eh? Intelligence, bravery, loyalty; I see them all in you. You seem quite set on where to go, however, and I quite agree with you…” The hat said, then, seconds later, bellowed to the whole hall, “GRYFFINDOR!”

James, beaming, pulled the hat off his head and put it back on the stool, practically skipping towards the applauding Gryffindor table, sitting down across from Sirius and next to the small, mousy-looking boy who had been sorted before him, whose last name was Pettigrew. He and Sirius beamed across the table at each other, but looked back up to watch the end of the sorting. After another couple of people, the greasy-haired boy from the compartment was called to be sorted, and as soon as the hat touched his head, it screamed “SLYTHERIN!” So he had gotten his wish, James thought bitterly as he watched the boy walk over to the applauding Slytherins and sit down.

Several more people were sorted, the last of which was “Vance, Emmeline,” who was the last Gryffindor. Finally the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, rose to his feet to address the hall, his arms spread wide in welcome.

“Welcome, everyone to another year at Hogwarts! I hope all of your summers were quite enjoyable, and you are ready for another year of learning. I will keep any further notices for the end of the feast. Now, without further ado, dig in!”

As he said it, the platters in front of them filled with food, and James’ face broke into a wide grin as, across each of the House tables, everyone began to serve themselves. James began to do the same, and soon his plate was filled with delicious looking food, which he began to eat with haste. He listened to the conversations going around him at first, then began to talk to the other students as his hunger abated slightly.

Marlene regaled them all loudly with an amusing story, which he, Sirius, Dorcas, and several other people laughed at, successfully breaking the ice. He met several of the other Gryffindor first years, including a olive-skinned, laughing-eyed girl named Hestia Jones, the dirty-blonde, calm and collected Emmeline Vance, the small, mousy, skittish boy beside him named Peter Pettigrew, and the shy, quiet, wavy-brown haired Remus Lupin. He noted that while there were six first-year Gryffindor girls, he would be sharing his dormitory with only three other Gryffindor boys. He liked Sirius already, and Remus, despite his shyness, seemed intelligent and calm. Peter was rather twitchy and nervous, but James was sure he would grow to enjoy his company, too.

After the feast, Dumbledore reminded the school of a number of rules which James mentally catalogued, his mind already subconsciously working on ways around them, and then the headmaster dismissed the students to their dormitories. James, feeling quite sleepy now, followed the rest of the Gryffindor first years as they trailed after a fifth-year prefect, who lead them up a number of staircases towards the Gryffindor common room. He noted the password to the Fat Lady portrait which guarded Gryffindor Tower (“Bowtruckle”), and then entered the Gryffindor common room, looking around in wonder at the circular room with its comfortable looking chairs and couches and crackling fire. He felt quite at home, as if he already knew this room from all his father’s descriptions of Gryffindor tower.

They said goodbye to the girls as they headed up the stairs towards the boys’ dormitory, stepping into a room with the label, “first years” hanging above the doorway. The room contained four four-poster beds with red velvet curtains, and James quickly found the one which his trunk was placed beside, which was nearest to the door on his left. Sirius had the one next to his, beside the window. Remus’ was on the other side of the window, and Peter’s was on the other side of the door, beside the door to the loo. James walked around the room once to investigate it slightly, opening the door to the loo to peer in there, too. His curiosity satisfied, he turned back to his bed and opened his trunk, rifling through his things and past his father’s invisibility cloak—which he was already itching to use to explore the castle—and grabbed his pajamas, changing into them quickly as the rest of the boys did the same.

“This is amazing, I can’t believe this is really happening,” James said, turning to Sirius after changing. Sirius grinned back at him. James looked around at Remus and Peter, too, and smiled at them both. “I know we’re all going to be great friends,” he said, assuredly. “I mean, we’ll be living together for the next seven years, how could we not be?”

Remus smiled back at him, rather nervously, James thought, but nevertheless tinged with the same anticipation and excitement that James felt himself. “I’m sure we will,” he said, his voice quiet but steady. Peter also looked tentative, but with a look of flattered surprise on his face to be included in James’ statement.

“Well, we’ll all have to get to know one another more tomorrow. Right now, I’m tired,” said Sirius, climbing onto his bed. “Goodnight,” he said, beginning to pull his curtains closed around him. The other boys echoed him, moving onto their own beds and pulling the drapes shut around them. James climbed under his covers, laying on his side and smiling to himself, the euphoria from the day lingering in his brain. Still grinning, he closed his eyes and allowed the tiredness take over his body, drifting into sleep.


	3. Marlene McKinnon, Mischief Maker

The first few months of Marlene’s first year at Hogwarts passed too quickly for her liking. It felt like they had only just arrived at the school when the students crowded back onto the Hogwarts Express to go home for the holidays, a long two weeks that Marlene spent squabbling with her six year old brother, Tyler, and sneaking off to hang out with Dorcas while Mr. and Mrs. Meadowes were over for the holidays.

“I don’t understand why you girls act like you haven’t seen each other in forever every time you’re together; you just spent three months sharing a dormitory!” Imogen McKinnon remarked exasperatedly one day. “I thought living together might finally make you sick one another.” Dorcas’ mother, Diana, laughed.

“You know they’ve always been this way, Imogen,” she said as she watched the girls scamper off to Marlene’s room.

Though Marlene and Dorcas knew they were not supposed to, they both took advantage of the fact that they lived in all-magical households so as to practice magic during the holidays. Before they had gone to Hogwarts, Dorcas and Marlene had been practicing magic from the age of five together, when they both started being able to do things that ordinary children couldn’t. As their powers developed together, they learned from one another and became adept at intentionally using their powers, especially when united in a common goal. When James joined their little group at the age of seven, he was able to partake in the fun to some extent, but he was never quite on their wavelength.

After learning magic with wands, however, wandless magic was slightly different. Marlene’s wand was made of aspen with dragon heartstring, while Dorcas’ was made of hazel with a unicorn hair core. After a long time of mostly performing magic only with their wands, each had settled into the style of magic that their different wands responded to best. Therefore, doing joint magic was slightly more difficult for the two, which they discovered when they went home for the first time in three months. They resolved to practice, however, which they had been doing most of the days of the holidays when they could convince their parents to let them spend time alone together. By the end of the break, they were both satisfied by how good they were getting at joint, wandless magic, but while it was a good diversion for the holidays, they were both glad to be going back to Hogwarts.

“Marley, do you like the other girls in our dorm?” Dorcas asked as they lay on Marlene’s bed one day, looking up at the ceiling, where they were making a paintbrush draw stars with glow in the dark paint.

“I like some of them,” Marlene said, concentrating on the paintbrush.

“Which ones?” Dorcas asked, rolling over on the bed to face her friend, the paintbrush falling to the ground as she lost concentration. Marlene rolled her eyes, but turned to answer her best friend.

“Emmeline’s great; it was good fun when we grabbed those school brooms to ride around, though I will be glad for when we can bring our own brooms,” she said. “I like Hestia and Mary, too. They’re nice and funny.”

“And Lily?” Dorcas asked, raising her eyebrows, a concerned look on her face. Marlene rolled her eyes, sighing and moving onto her back again.

“Why do you ask me questions if you already know the answers, Dee?” She asked. “You know I’m not a fan of Lily’s.”

“But I don’t understand _why_ ,” Dorcas said slightly pleadingly. “She’s very nice, if you would only give her a chance.”

“She’s stuck up, Dee!” Marley exclaimed, rolling to look into her best friend’s eyes earnestly again. “You _know_ she’s kind of a know-it-all, she’s so self-righteous in the way that she’s always telling James and Sirius off for dumb things, and I don’t like that Snape boy she’s always hanging around.”

“Okay, she can be a little bit uppity sometimes,” Dorcas conceded. “And you’re right, I don’t like Snape much either, he rubs me the wrong way, but other than that she’s very nice! She’s quite funny when you spend real time around her, too, she just never lets her guard down around you because she knows you don’t like her.”

“Oh, come on, she doesn’t like me either,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes once again. “She knows I get up to about as much mischief as James and Sirius, and she thinks I’m stubborn and immature.”

“Well, you _are_ stubborn and immature,” Dorcas said, rolling her eyes at her best friend and smiling. “That’s why you, James, and Sirius get along so well.”

“Hey, you take that back!” Marlene exclaimed, though she was grinning. “You’re friends with them, too, what does that say about you?”

“That I have a soft spot for immature prats?” Dorcas joked, laughing as Marlene tackled her, and they began to wrestle playfully on the bed.

When the New Year came, Dorcas and Marlene happily boarded the Hogwarts Express, sitting in the same compartment as James, Sirius, and their roommates, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Marlene liked Remus. He was a bit shy and guarded, but he had a calm and steady demeanor that set her at ease. Also, James and Sirius had told her that Remus was unexpectedly good at planning pranks, and even better at not getting caught, so Marlene couldn’t help but admire him for that. Peter she was not yet sure about: he was very nervous and sometimes a bit dim and ignorant for her liking, but she resolved not to write him off too quickly. James seemed to like him, so there had to be something good about him. Marlene was still looking.

“So, what did you all get up to over the holidays?” Marlene asked, grinning around at the boys.

“Nothing much out of the ordinary,” James replied, grinning. “My mum and dad got me some new Quidditch supplies. I wish I could bring my broom, though.”

“You could probably smuggle it in if you tried hard,” Dorcas replied, smiling. “Though it probably wouldn’t be worth the telling off you would get from Professor McGonagall if she caught you.”

James laughed. “McGonagall is going to love me next year when I can finally bring my broom and get on the house team,” he said rather arrogantly. “Everyone knows she’s obsessed with Gryffindor’s chances at the Quidditch cup.”

Remus let out a derisive laugh. “I don’t think being on the house team makes you exempt from McGonagall’s wrath,” he said. “You know Florence, that third year? She’s _constantly_ in detention, isn’t she, for getting into fights? And she’s one of the best players on the team.”

“Oh, yeah,” James said, his face falling slightly. Then he brightened. “Florence is great, isn’t she? I mean, not only a kickass Beater, but she’s also constantly hexing those Slytherin gits when they spout that blood status stuff.”

“She is pretty amazing,” Marlene said, smiling admiringly, too. “She told me she would teach me that jinx she used on Bulstrode before break, you know the one where he erupted in boils all over his body? It was spectacular.”

“Truly inspirational,” Dorcas snorted, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, what did the rest of you get up to for Christmas? How were your families?” She asked the other three boys.

“Mine were fine,” Peter responded, looking nervous, as he always did when talking to either of the girls. “Mum was busy with work a lot of the time, so I got to spend a lot of time with my younger brother and sister, so that was good.”

“That sounds nice,” Dorcas smiled at him, and he flushed slightly and looked down. She turned her eyes upon Remus, who shrugged, looking slightly disconcerted at being asked to divulge things about himself.

“Christmas was nice with my parents,” he said, shrugging. “Nothing special.”

“How’s your mum doing?” Dorcas asked, her voice sympathetic. Everyone in their year knew that Remus’ mother was ill often, which meant that he had to go home to visit her about once a month.

“She’s okay,” Remus said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “The same.”

“What about you, Sirius?” Marlene asked, noticing Remus’ discomfort and changing the subject. It became clear that Sirius was even more uncomfortable with the question than Remus had been, and he avoided her gaze, not being subtle at all.

“It was fine,” he muttered, and Marlene exchanged a glance James and Dorcas, all of them shrugging at the now awkward atmosphere of the compartment. Marlene knew Sirius didn’t talk about his family much: she didn’t know a lot about them other than the fact that they were part of the sacred twenty-eight and had always been in Slytherin. She knew that he had a older cousin, Narcissa Black, who was a fifth-year Slytherin, and who she had never seen Sirius interact with. She only really knew enough not to ask about his family, since he clammed up whenever they were mentioned.

James hurriedly changed the subject from the holidays to pranks that he would like to pull when they got back to school, and Marlene and the other boys jumped at the change of topic, their conversation quickly becoming much more lively. Dorcas laughed and shook her head exasperatedly at many of their ideas, but often commented on the potential hazards of some particularly risky ideas. Remus piped up sometimes, too, suggesting modifications that would not get them caught or killed. After they had passed half of their journey, Dorcas suggested that she and Marlene pop in to say hi to the other girls from their dormitory.

“Fine,” Marlene said, standing up. “But if Lily is sitting with that Snape boy, I’m not going in to say hi to her.” Dorcas rolled her eyes, but didn’t contradict her, sliding the compartment door open and waving goodbye to the boys, Marlene following her out. It didn’t take them long to find the other Gryffindor first year girls, who were all sitting in a compartment together, minus Lily, a couple doors down. They greeted Marlene and Dorcas enthusiastically when they entered, and the two girls sat down to catch up with them about their holidays.

“Mine was boring, nothing much to talk about,” Hestia Jones replied vivaciously, flicking her straight, dark hair over her shoulder. “But listen to Mary, she’s been telling us about what happened at Christmas at her house!”

“What happened, Mary?” Dorcas asked curiously, turning to the small, raven-haired witch. Mary Macdonald was a rather shy girl, the quietest out of any of their friends, but she had opened up much more as the term progressed and they had all gotten to know each other. She was Muggle-born, and lived with her mother and stepfather, who owned a grocery store in Cornwall, England.

“My dad turned up,” Mary said simply.

“Why is that weird? He lives with you, doesn’t he?” Dorcas asked, puzzled, then her eyes went wide. “Wait, you mean your—”

“My biological father, yes,” Mary said, a bitter half-smile on her lips. “The man who left me and my mother when I was four years old.”

“You’re kidding!” Marlene exclaimed, staring at Mary with avid interest on her face.

“Wish I was,” Mary responded, sighing. “He turns up, you know, on Christmas morning right in the middle of us opening presents. I have no idea how he found out where we live, but boy was he surprised to see my mum answering the door with a two month old baby in her arms.”

“That’s insane,” Marlene said, her eyes wide. “What did he want?”

“He claimed he wanted to rebuild his relationship with me,” Mary said, rolling her eyes. “Made a big show of giving me a Christmas gift, as if that would erase all of the years that he was gone. After I made it clear that as far as I’m concerned, Paul is my real father, my mum kicked him out, as she only let him in for my sake.”

“You’re not curious at all to why he left?” Dorcas asked, looking surprised. “Or want a relationship with him now?”

“It doesn’t _really_ matter why he left,” Mary said, sighing, her pale, heart-shaped face pinched into a scowl. “But my mum told me that he had a gambling problem back then. I doubt he really wanted a relationship with me at all, he just wanted money. Anyway, I’m happy with mum and my stepfather, he’s always treated me like a daughter anyways. And Clem. They’re my family.”

“Oh!” Dorcas exclaimed, delight flooding her face. “I forgot to ask about your little sister. Is she cute?”

“She’s adorable,” Mary said, smiling genuinely then. “Here, I’ll show you a picture.” She rummaged around in her bag and pulled out a Muggle polaroid, handing it across to Marlene and Dorcas (Emmeline and Hestia had clearly already seen it). It depicted a tiny baby with dark brown hair, just like Mary’s, and blue eyes, unlike Mary’s light brown ones. She was indeed extremely cute.

“And her name is Clementine, right?” Marlene asked, handing the picture back to Mary after she and Dorcas had both examined it closely, smiling at the baby.

“Yeah, but mostly everyone calls her Clem,” Mary said, smiling and putting the picture back into her bag. “She’s got my stepfather’s blue eyes, but the hair is from my mum. She’s a little angel, honestly. I thought I would be kept up most nights because babies are often like that, but she’s pretty quiet. Puked on me once, though.”

Marlene wrinkled her nose while the other girls laughed. After a moment, Dorcas asked about their missing roommate. “Do you know where Lily’s off to, then?”

“We saw her at the beginning of the train ride,” Mary said, exchanging a look with Hestia and Emmeline. “She stopped in to say hi quickly, but she was with that Snape boy, and he clearly didn’t want to hang around. Not that we would have wanted him to sit with us, anyway. I assume they’re sitting together somewhere around here.”

Marlene gave Dorcas an ‘I told you so’ look. “I figured as much,” she said to the other girls, rolling her eyes. “He makes my skin crawl; I have no idea why she hangs around him.”

“Me too,” Mary said, shaking her head and leaning forward conspiratorially. “You know, I heard from Miranda Ellerton that he and his Slytherin friends are always making jokes about Muggle-borns in Charms. You’d think that Lily, _being_ a Muggle-born…” She trailed off, shaking her head in puzzlement. The other girls shrugged, shaking their heads in bewilderment as well before getting onto lighter topics, like the other girls’ holidays and a discussion about the new spells Professor Flitwick had promised the first years they would be learning after they got back.

The rest of the train ride went remarkably quickly in the Gryffindor girls’ compartment as they talked and laughed together, all excited for the new term. It dawned bright and early the next morning, and Marlene greeted it with enthusiasm, along with the rest of the Gryffindors. Her classes were relatively the same in difficulty as the first term, but some of the spells that they were learning seemed slightly more complex than they had been before, which excited Marlene. She especially loved her Defense Against the Dark Arts class, though they were mostly learning theory to begin with. Still, she studied hard, drinking it all in and daydreaming about the day when she would be able to start learning real defensive spells.

Of course, one of her other favorite classes was flying practice with the Ravenclaws. Now, Marlene didn’t really _need_ flying instruction, as she had been flying for most of her life. She had first gotten a toy broomstick at the age of three, which she had flown around the yard, crashing into their little apple tree and breaking her collarbone. This hadn’t turned her off it, however, and she had gotten her first real broom at the age of seven, after begging her parents endlessly when she had seen that James had a broom of his own. She had promised them she would only fly at James’ or Dorcas’ houses so that no Muggles would spot her flying around, and had spent every available moment after that practicing flying with James and Dorcas. Dorcas hadn’t really taken to flying quite like Marlene and James had, but she still enjoyed it enough to go out and play with them a decent amount at the Potters’ little clearing on the hill.

No, the appeal of flying practice wasn’t the instruction, but the chance to fly, which was one of the only things Marlene greatly disliked about being at Hogwarts: the fact that she couldn’t take her broom with her. She was rather attached to her broom, and wished she could fly it around the grounds like she wanted. The urge had even gotten so strong that once, she, James, Sirius, and Emmeline had broken into the Quidditch storeroom where Madam Hooch stored the school brooms, taking them on a joy-ride around the grounds before Professor Sprout had spotted them from one of her greenhouses and ordered them to come down at once, giving them all detention for a week.

There was a bit of a thrill in stealing the brooms and doing something against the rules, but the school brooms were rather pathetic, and the punishment was sobering, too. Marlene wanted her _own_ broom, and she wanted to try out for the house team. She knew well enough that first years never got on the team, and she would have been too embarrassed to show up with a school broom, so she hadn’t bothered to try out this time. Next year, however, would be _her_ year. She preferred Seeking, and the current Gryffindor seeker was a 7th year, so the position would be wide open.

Part of Marlene’s plot to become the next Gryffindor Seeker was to cozy up to some of the players on the Gryffindor team that would still be there the following year. She didn’t have much access to the older players, as older students tended to ignore first years, but she had been able to have several conversations with Florence O’Connor, the third year Gryffindor Beater. She had long, curly red hair and piercing ice blue eyes, and, when she wasn’t getting in detention for fighting with bigoted Slytherins, hung around the Gryffindor common room by the fire, laughing with her friends. Marlene admired Florence greatly: not only was she an amazing Beater, she was confident, assertive, and swore like a sailor. Sometimes Marlene would just sit and stare at the older girl in awe from across the common room, wishing with all her heart to be exactly like her when she was older.

A perk of getting detention for the broom incident was that Florence had come over to Marlene in the common room one day, a grin on her face as she plopped down next to Marlene, who blushed profusely, not able to believe her eyes. “You’re one of those first years that stole the brooms, aren’t you?” She had asked. Marlene had just managed to stammer out an affirmative, telling Florence her name, to which Florence introduced herself, too (not that Marlene needed her to). Florence gave her some advice on getting onto the team the following year, and Marlene had told her how awesome she thought it was when she had hexed John Bulstrode for calling their housemate a Mudblood in the corridor the other day. Florence had laughed and told Marlene that the hex had earned her a week of detention and lost them house points, but that she would be happy to teach it to her sometime. She left, ruffling Marlene’s hair affectionately as she did so, leaving Marlene a blushing, stammering mess.

Since then, Florence had said hi to Marlene several times in the corridors, which made Marlene smile like a goon, and gave her bragging rights over James, who looked on jealously every time he saw them acknowledge each other. “I can’t believe that she talks to you but not me,” James said, several weeks into the new term, glaring at Marlene jealously. “I mean, Sirius, Emmeline, and I all took the brooms with you.”

“I guess she just thinks I’m cooler than you,” Marlene teased, a rush of pleasure going through her as she said the words. She _really_ wanted to be Florence’s friend, she realized. The older girl was just so cool, and the thought that she might think Marlene was cool, too, excited her.

“Oh, shut up,” James said, annoyance all over his face as he elbowed a laughing Marlene in the ribs. Florence O’Connor was not the only thing on Marlene’s mind in the second term of first year—though, honestly, she was quite a feature—she spent most of her time not in classes hanging around James and his friends, planning pranks. She grew to like Sirius even more than she had in the previous term. He was funny and rather reckless, which matched her own desire to cause mayhem and chaos perfectly. In fact, James complained sometimes that the two of them brought out the worst in one another, and that it shouldn’t be _him_ trying to reel in anyone, ever. In turn, they joked that he was just naturally a mother hen, and that he shouldn’t fight his nature.

Marlene, for her part, enjoyed the random pranks that caused mayhem in the castle equally to the targeted attacks on Slytherins when they said something nasty. Still, she knew that Sirius and James often had one target in mind: Severus Snape, Lily’s best friend, who they had disliked every since their first day at Hogwarts. He disliked them in equal measure, but at eleven, there wasn’t much either of them could do about their dislike of one another. Though Marlene disliked Snape almost as much as the two boys, she was very relieved when Remus had talked James out of challenging Snape to a duel: for one, they would certainly be caught, and for another, everyone in their year knew that Snape was fascinated by the Dark Arts. She worried about what kind of spells he would bring to a duel, which James could never compete with. Therefore, when Snape used a trip jinx on James or Sirius in the hallway, or said some sneering comment in a class, they responded in the only ways that were available to them: replacing Snape’s shampoo with stinksap, putting itching powder into his pajamas, or something similar, all with the help of James’ father’s trusty invisibility cloak.

Marlene found it quite amusing to see the effects of these various harmless pranks, as did many of their classmates, as no one in Gryffindor liked Snape much. The exception, of course, was Lily Evans. She had taken an immediate dislike to James and Sirius on their first day at Hogwarts, much like Snape had, and this had only been further reinforced by their behavior towards her best friend in the months that followed. Conveniently, though, she managed to always turn a blind eye to Snape’s actions towards James and Sirius. For this reason, Marlene thought Lily was a hypocrite, and avoided her most of the time, despite Dorcas’ continued insistence that if Marlene gave her a chance, Lily would surprise her. Marlene merely retorted that she didn’t like surprises.

Of course, Dorcas and Marlene were still best friends, even if Dorcas hung out more with the other Gryffindor girls than she did with the Gryffindor boys, like Marlene did. They still ended most nights in the dormitory in one of their beds, talking about their days with their arms around each other. Sometimes they practiced wandless magic at night, and once or twice they had used it in class to confuse the students around them or their professors. Together, they could do things that were often equal to what either of them could do solo with their wands, and it was very amusing to see Professor Flitwick or Slughorn look around for who was floating the quill at the front of the class when no one had their wands out.

Still, Dorcas preferred to be left out of most of the pranks that Marlene concocted with the boys, and they respected her wishes. That was how Marlene found herself alone with James and Sirius under the invisibility cloak on a Thursday afternoon in mid-April, on their way to the Slytherin common to try and change the drapes in there from green and silver to red and gold. Remus was not present because he was visiting his sick mum again at home, and Peter was behind on his homework, so he had stayed in the common room. Marlene had not been feeling very well all day, but when James and Sirius suggested the prank, she figured that this might be a good distraction from the pain in her stomach, and give her an opportunity to vent her irritation on some unsuspecting Slytherins.

However, the trip didn’t go quite as planned. They had only gotten to the bottom of the Grand Staircase, not even into the dungeons, when Marlene felt the strange sensation of something dripping down her leg. She threw the cloak off to examine it, as they weren’t technically doing anything wrong yet that they could be apprehended for, and found a trail of blood running all the way from the inside of her thigh to her foot, staining her white sock.

“What the hell?” Marlene exclaimed, looking in horror at her leg. James and Sirius appeared beside her, James holding the cloak and looking at her in puzzlement.

“Merlin, you’re bleeding!” James exclaimed, looking at her in horror, too. “Why are you bleeding? We haven’t even done anything dangerous or against the rules yet!”

“I don’t _know_!” Marlene said, equally distraught, examining her leg and trying to find the source of the blood. “I don’t know where it’s coming from; I don’t think I have a cut or anything!”

“You _must_ ,” Sirius said, looking confused as he stared at the line of blood. “People don’t just start bleeding for no reason.”

“Oh, really?” Marlene said, sarcastically, glaring up at him. “I had _no_ idea, Sirius!”

“We should get you to the Hospital Wing!” James said, taking control of the situation. He stuffed his invisibility cloak into his bag and they marched importantly over to the Hospital Wing together, Marlene still trying to check her leg for scratches as they went. When they arrived, the Hospital Wing was apparently empty, though there was a screen hiding a bed near the office. When she heard them arrive, Madam Pomfrey scurried out of her office to meet them. She looked a little wary when she saw who they were: James and Sirius had already been into the Hospital Wing several times before for mischief-related injuries, and they were not the easiest patients.

“What seems to be the problem, Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, Miss McKinnon?” She asked as she approached them. James gestured to Marlene.

“Marlene is bleeding and we don’t know where it’s coming from,” he announced importantly, Marlene holding out her leg to show Madam Pomfrey.

“I can’t find a cut or anything,” she said, even more anxiously than James. “Also, my stomach has been hurting all day. Is there something wrong with me?”

Madam Pomfrey took the three twelve-year olds in for a moment, a look of incredulity on her face. Then she sighed and shook her head exasperatedly. “This is why I keep telling Professor Dumbledore that we need a sexual education class,” she said, turning and bustling back into her office. When she returned seconds later, she presented Marlene with a box of pads and an explanation of reproduction and menstruation, which Marlene took in blushingly, James and Sirius standing beside her, their faces both flaming red as well.

After Marlene used the loo, cleaning up her leg and putting on a fresh pair of underwear (provided by Madam Pomfrey)—discarding her own ruined pair—and a pad, Madam Pomfrey gave her a pain-relief potion for her cramps, and they left the Hospital Wing together, none of them talking, Marlene feeling supremely embarrassed. When they reached the bottom of the Grand Staircase, Sirius let out a snort of laughter. Marlene glared at him, her cheeks flaming red.

“Shut up, Black!” She said, shoving him on the shoulder. He stumbled slightly, backing away from her but still laughing.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said finally, his laughter subsiding slightly as he grinned at her. “It’s just, we were all so worried. That’s what’s funny, not that periods are funny, just how worried we all were,” he said, clarifying quickly. Against her will, Marlene grinned as well, rolling her eyes. It had been rather funny, even though it had been highly embarrassing as well.

“Well, now that the crisis has been averted,” James said, grinning slightly as well. “Do you still want to go and prank the Slytherin common room?”

Marlene thought for a moment. “Yes,” she said finally, a smile spreading across her face again. “Let’s go.” James grinned back at her and threw the invisibility cloak over the three of them again. Without further ado, they scampered off toward the dungeons, debating in low voices what the Slytherin password might be that week.

Of course, when Marlene told the story of what had happened that day to Dorcas and the rest of their roommates that night, Dorcas had laughed so hard that she had cried, clutching her stomach as tears ran down her face. Marlene pouted slightly as the other girls laughed, too. _It’s not as if any of them have actually gotten their periods,_ she thought in annoyance. _They can’t talk._

“Didn’t your mum ever tell you about periods?” Hestia asked incredulously.

“I think it was mentioned,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes and blushing. “She might have given me a book about puberty or something, but I don’t think I ever read it.”

“Clearly,” Dorcas choked out, wiping away tears of mirth from her eyes.

“Hey, you better not tell her!” Marlene said threateningly to her best friend, pointing an accusing finger at her. “And not Tyler, either!”

“But it’s so _funny_ , Marley,” Dorcas pleaded teasingly, grinning widely. “I’m sure that they would love the story.”

“Don’t you dare!” Marlene exclaimed, her voice low and dangerous. Dorcas simply laughed again, so Marlene launched herself at her best friend, tackling her to the carpet, Dorcas still giggling.

As before, the rest of the year progressed too quickly for Marlene’s liking. Soon the exams were upon them, which Dorcas often reminded Marlene were very important for her future, forcing her grumbling friend to sit in the library with her to study. As it turned out, it was probably good that Marlene had studied a bit, but the exams were relatively easy nonetheless. They had a week after their exams when they didn’t have classes anymore, and just spent the time lounging around the grounds, enjoying the nice weather.

Too soon, it was time to board the train again. Marlene was surprised by how much she was going to miss all of the friends she had made in her first year. Of course, she was sure to see a lot of Dorcas and James over the summer, as she always did. Sirius, though, had been very vague when asked if he could come visit them over the summer, so Marlene presumed that for whatever reason that would not be happening, and she was definitely going to miss him. She had grown quite fond of the other girls in her dormitory, as well, other than Lily, and had promised to owl them. Remus and Peter, too, had become part of her everyday life while she was hanging out with James and Sirius, and she realized that she would miss them, as well. Even Peter, who still routinely annoyed her, had grown on her so that her annoyance was often mixed with fondness.

The train ride back to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters was boisterous. Instead of sitting in separate compartments this time, the Gryffindor first year girls and boys crowded into one compartment, all except for Lily, of course. If she had been there, she surely would have declined to sit with James and Sirius, but it didn’t matter, since she was already sitting with Severus Snape. So it was James, Sirius, Peter, Remus, Marlene, Dorcas, Emmeline, Hestia, and Mary who crowded into the compartment together.

Marlene was sure that when they were older this behavior would not fly, but as eleven and twelve year olds they could cram in side by side, their shoulders brushing. At one point, Sirius went to sit on the floor to play a game of Exploding Snap with James. Mostly, however, they talked and laughed, clinging to their last moments together before two whole months apart. Marlene was glad that they were all together, as she was tired of splitting her time between the Gryffindor girls and the Gryffindor boys. She was even more pleased when Florence O’Connor stopped by their apartment as she passed, poking her head in to tell Marlene that she hoped she had a good summer and winking at her. Marlene beamed in delight and wished her the same, much to James’ chagrin. She realized with a jolt of happiness that the next time she went to Hogwarts, she would be allowed to bring her broom with her, and resolved to practice hard over the summer so as to get on the Gryffindor team (and hopefully impress Florence).

When they all climbed out of the train onto the Platform, Marlene immediately spotted her mother’s blonde head through the crowd, standing next to a tall figure who looked like Dorcas’ father, Thomas Meadowes. She pointed them out to Dorcas, who nodded, clearly having seen them already, too. They both turned to bid their goodbyes to their friends. Marlene hugged all her roommates who were present, as well as all of the boys, too, smiling and telling James that she would see him soon. She caught Sirius last, giving him a big hug and grinning at him as she pulled back, slapping his back in a friendly way.

“Hang in there, okay?” She said, giving him a reassuring half-smile. For all her flaws, Marlene was not unobservant: she had seen the way that Sirius had been trying to conceal his trepidation about going home for the whole of the train ride by being extra boisterous. He looked a little taken-aback, but shot her a grateful smile anyway.

“Have a good summer,” he responded, before turning back to boys. Marlene turned to Dorcas, who by this time had finished saying her goodbyes as well, and the two girls grabbed their trunks, hauling them over to where their parents stood. Imogen greeted her daughter with a big hug, Thomas Meadowes doing the same with Dorcas. When she pulled back, Imogen smiled down at Marlene.

“I feel like you’ve grown since I saw you last,” she said, brushing her daughter’s hair back with her hand so it wasn’t in her face. Then, she turned to Mr. Meadowes. “Dinner at seven, then, Thomas?”

“Sounds good, Imogen,” Dorcas’ father said, giving her a smile. “We’ll see you soon.”

“I guess we won’t be apart for long,” Marlene said, hugging Dorcas goodbye anyway as her friend laughed. Then, she turned to grasp her mum’s arm, who turned on the spot, apparating them away from the platform, the crowds of students all around them, and the brilliantly red steam engine, from which Hogwarts pupils were still descending.


	4. The Question of Trust

As she descended from the Hogwarts Express at the end of her first year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans couldn’t help but drag her feet, looking back at the train regretfully as she jumped down onto the platform. The year had progressed rather too quickly for her liking, and it felt almost as if she had only just gotten onto the train on September 1st. Now she was leaving, and she would miss the castle, miss her classes, miss Gryffindor tower, and even miss some of her housemates.

Mostly, though, she was somewhat dreading going back to the Evans household, where her older sister, Petunia, was sure to give her just as much of a cold shoulder now as she had been giving her since she had discovered she was a witch. Lily had thought it couldn’t get any worse than the day of her departure from King's Cross in the fall, but Petunia had proved her wrong, behaving even more nastily towards Lily over the winter holidays than she had ever before. Try as their parents might to smooth relations between her two daughters, Lily had recognized her mother’s handwriting on the present that was supposed to be from Petunia to Lily, and it hurt immensely to think that Petunia hated her so much that she would refuse to even get her a Christmas gift.

Lily couldn’t imagine that Petunia would be any better over the summer, so she had been steeling herself during the last few weeks for the cold silence interspersed with vicious words that would surely be greeting her upon her return to their house in Cokeworth. The one bright spot, Lily thought, was that at least she could still see Severus over the summer frequently, even if there was not much else at home to remind her of Hogwarts. Not that her best friend was the best person to talk about her issues with Petunia with, though. He didn’t seem to understand why Lily let Petunia’s behavior get to her, saying that she would never understand magic and it was pointless to try to make her. Lily supposed that it was probably because he didn’t have any siblings.

In addition to Severus, Lily made a few friends at Hogwarts. The girls in her dorm, for the most part, seemed very nice. Dorcas Meadowes, in particular, was very friendly, and she had promised to write Lily over the summer. In addition, she often studied in the library with Mary Macdonald, who was rather quiet but nice, and Remus Lupin, who she cautiously liked, despite his friendship with James Potter and Sirius Black, who she thought were rather annoying. Hestia Jones and Emmeline Vance, too, were funny and down-to-earth, and while Lily didn’t know either of them very well, she enjoyed their company. It was only their last roommate, Marlene McKinnon, who Dorcas was inexplicably close to, who Lily didn’t particularly like.

Marlene and Lily had clashed early on in their first year when Marlene came back to their dormitory, laughing fit to burst and telling her dormmates about how James and Sirius had filled Apollyon Pringle, the old caretaker’s, desk drawer with frogspawn. Lily had not laughed, remarking that it was a rather juvenile and immature thing for them to do. Marlene had snapped back, and ever since, the two girls held a grudge against one another.

Dorcas had spent much of their first year going from one girl the other, making very obvious attempts to reconcile them with one another, but Lily didn’t feel the need to reconcile with Marlene, and clearly the other girl felt the same way about her. For her part, Lily thought that Marlene was rather immature, just like Sirius Black and James Potter, whom she spent most of her time around. While not in lessons, the three seemed hellbent on causing as much mayhem about the castle as they possibly could, doing ridiculous things like setting off dungbombs in the corridors, convincing Moaning Myrtle to flood the area around her bathroom, and changing the color of the drapes in the Slytherin common room to red and gold. In addition, Lily knew that James and Sirius in particular hated Severus, and targeted him in many of their pranks, which Lily thought was wholly unfair. She knew that Severus wasn’t always immediately friendly to people he didn’t know, but he swore to her that he had never done anything to make the Gryffindor boys dislike him so much, and Lily believed him. Just because he didn’t immediately worship the ground they walked upon didn’t mean they could be so awful to him all the time.

Still, Lily was not blind to the fact that most of her friends didn’t like Severus. She could see it in the glances they sent each other when Lily spoke about him, but the other girls in the dormitory weren’t vocal about their dislike of him, not like Marlene, who was quite determined to hint to Lily at every chance she had that she thought he was a bad person. Lily thought that Marlene was determined to dislike him based on his house, and the people he chose to spend time around when he was not with Lily, but that didn’t mean _he_ was bad. It wasn’t his fault if some of his housemates were a bit dodgy and _he_ wasn’t the person who chose his roommates. Marlene was just judgemental, but it bothered Lily that her other roommates seemed to also be set against her best friend, too.

Still, she would have two whole months back in Cokeworth to spend time with Severus, away from his questionable Slytherin friends and her judgemental Gryffindor roommates, and she was happy for the opportunity. She looked around the crowd of students for her parents. She wasn’t sure which of them would be meeting her at the platform, but she had her answer soon enough, as she spotted someone who looked like her father through the crowd. She made her way through the crowd towards the head of sandy blonde hair she had seen, and when she got closer and he turned, she realized that it was, in fact, Richard Evans, and bounded forward to hug her father excitedly.

“Let me look at you,” Richard said, laughing and releasing her from the big bear hug he had wrapped her in. He sighed, shaking his head as he smiled affectionately down at her. “Why do you _already_ look older since the last time I saw you? It’s only been a few months!”

Lily laughed. “That’s how growing works, I guess,” she said. “I am twelve now, after all!”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t be with you on your birthday,” her father said. “It’s still strange not to have you around the house all the time.”

“Well, I’m going to be back now,” Lily said, smiling up at her father. “You’ll just have to enjoy it while you can!”

Richard Evans laughed, then gestured for his daughter to follow him towards of the barrier back to King’s Cross station. “Come on, we should get going. We’ll have plenty of time to talk in the car.” He grasped one side of her trunk to help her carry it, and together they exited the platform, Lily giving it a last backwards glance before stepping through the barrier towards the Muggle world.

The drive from London back to Cokeworth was long but beautiful, passing through fields and trees instead of boring old highway for the most part. Lily used the time to catch up with her father, telling him about her term at Hogwarts while he regaled her with stories of home. When Lily asked how Petunia was, Richard told her that her sister seemed to be enjoying school, and even had a boyfriend. Richard seemed rather amused by this, as he told Lily that the extent of their dating was being dropped off at the movie theatre by their parents and awkwardly holding hands sometimes as they walked around the neighborhood.

“I suppose that’s just what ‘dating’ is like when you’re fourteen, though,” Lily’s father said, laughing. He gave his younger daughter a sideways glance. “ _You’re_ not going to get a boyfriend anytime soon, are you?”

Lily blushed red, uncomfortable with her father’s teasing. “No, of course not!” She exclaimed, avoiding his gaze. “Most of the boys at my school are annoying, anyway.”

“Other than Severus, right, you’re still friends with him?” Richard asked, his gaze on the road.

“Yes, but we’re just friends!” Lily exclaimed, flushing even more. She had had enough of Sirius Black and James Potter calling Severus her boyfriend to tease her, she didn’t need her father implying that they were dating as well.

“That’s not what I was suggesting, baby girl,” Richard said, chuckling slightly and glancing over at her. “I just wanted to know if you two were still close.”

“Well, we are,” Lily said, a bit embarrassed at her overreaction. “I wish we were in the same house.”

“Explain to me this whole different house thing again,” Richard said, looking puzzled. “Are you not supposed to have friends in different houses?”

“No, it’s not that you’re not _supposed_ to have friends in other houses,” Lily explained. “But you don’t spend as much with people in different houses as you do with people in your house, because you share a common room and sit with your housemates at meals. Also, it’s hard because Gryffindors don’t like Slytherins that much, typically, and vise versa.”

“Why’s that?” Richard asked, frowning.

“Well, the founders of the two houses didn’t see eye to eye,” Lily responded. “Salazar Slytherin thought only children who grew up in wizarding families should be let into Hogwarts, and Godric Gryffindor, along with the other founders, thought that everyone should be let into the school.”

“So this Salazar Slytherin,” Richard said, his brow furrowed as he continued to look ahead. “If he had gotten his way, you wouldn’t be able to attend Hogwarts at all, would you?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Lily said, sighing.

“And the Slytherins...do they still believe that people from non-magic families shouldn’t be able to go and learn magic?”

Lily hesitated. “Some of them do,” she admitted, finally. “There aren’t any Muggle-borns in Slytherin that I know of, since the founder didn’t want them in the house. A lot of the students in Slytherin come from old wizarding families that have very traditional views, and a lot of them look down on people who come from Muggle families or even people who come from all-wizarding families but don’t look down on Muggle-borns.”

Richard was silent for a few moments, and Lily waited nervously for his response. He sighed finally, and glanced over at her. “That’s...well, that’s awful, Lily,” he paused, trying to find words. “Do these students give you a hard time?”

“Sometimes,” she admitted, looking down at her hands in her lap. “I mean, not that often, and they don’t do much. Sometimes they sneer at me and whisper under their breath about me and some of my housemates.”

“Are some of your housemates also Muggle-born?” Richard asked, a look of concern on his face.

“One of my roommates, Mary, is,” Lily replied. “Emmeline and Hestia are half-bloods, Dorcas and Marlene are purebloods but they don’t care about blood status. None of the boys in my year are Muggle-born, but they’re all either half-bloods or purebloods but blood-traitors. Gryffindors are usually less bigoted about that kind of thing.”

“You just threw a lot of unfamiliar words at me,” Richard said, smiling slightly. “Pureblood, halfblood, blood-traitor, blood status, what do all those mean?”

“Blood status basically boils down to how many of your ancestors were wizards,” Lily explained. “Purebloods are wizards who don’t have any known non-magical ancestors. Half-bloods are everyone in between purebloods and Muggle-borns, so they have some Muggle ancestors and some wizarding ancestors, too. And purebloods are called blood-traitors when they’re not bigoted against Muggles and Muggle-borns.”

“Lily, this is worrying stuff,” Richard said seriously. “This whole quantifying ‘blood status’ thing, and it influencing your place in society...that’s the kind of bigotry that makes people see other people as less than human, and starts genocides.”

“I’m okay, though,” Lily said quickly, trying to reassure her father. This was exactly why she had never brought it up before: she didn’t want her parents to worry for her safety. “Mostly it’s not a thing I think about at Hogwarts except occasionally in classes with the Slytherins. No one else really treats me differently.”

“Is Severus friends with these Slytherins that treat you poorly?” Richard asked sharply. “What does he believe?”

“He doesn’t think that I’m any different because I come from a non-magical family,” Lily said defensively. She paused, and added, reluctantly: “But he does hang around them, sometimes.”

Richard raised his eyebrows and shot her a worried look before looking back at the road. They were only a few minutes away from home now. “And have you told him about how they treat you?”

“Not really,” Lily muttered bashfully.

“I think you should talk to him about it, honey,” her father said seriously. “He shouldn’t be friends with people who treat you like you’re not as good as than them because of your so-called ‘blood status.’”

There was silence for a moment, while Lily grappled with what her father was asking her to do. “I’ll try to talk to him about it,” Lily conceded finally.

“Okay,” Richard said, pulling into the driveway of their house. “I trust you.” He didn’t specify what he trusted her to do, exactly, but Lily thought she knew. Ever since she was younger, it was a constant refrain in her house from both her parents: _I trust you._ And she knew it was true, they did trust her and Petunia to do the right thing. Amelia and Richard Evans trusted that they had taught their girls the right sort of values, and trusted that their daughters would reflect on what their parents had taught them about right and wrong when they encountered problems in life. Lily sometimes wondered if her parents’ unconditional trust in her and her sister was misplaced, and worried about disappointing them. Still, even when she made a mistake and was scared to tell them about it, they met her with nothing but support and helped her rectify it instead of berating and punishing her. She was very grateful for them.

As Lily’s father turned the car off and Lily opened her door, stepping out onto the driveway, the front door of the Evans’ house opened, and Amelia Evans appeared in the doorway, beaming at her younger daughter. “Lily!” She exclaimed, hurrying out and enclosing her daughter in a warm hug. “I’ve missed you so much, dear.”

“I’ve missed you, too, mum,” Lily said, smiling into her mom’s shoulder. Amelia pulled back after a few moments, smiling as she took in her daughter’s appearance. “You’ve grown since you were last here!”

“That’s what dad said,” Lily replied, rolling her eyes. “But I don’t see it.”

Amelia laughed, and gestured for Lily to step inside. “Come on, dinner is ready just in time. Your father can get your trunk.”

Lily smiled and walked into her home, looking around the living room. There were a couple of new paintings on the wall, a usual occurrence in her home. Her mother often put up some of her recent paintings on the wall before getting tired of them after a couple of months and selling them in her studio. Usually they depicted flowers, fields, or forests, as these were her mother’s favorite subjects, rather than people. Still, the only paintings that remained permanent in their household were the portraits that Amelia had done of Lily and Petunia when they were five and seven, which hung in her parents’ bedroom.

Speaking of Petunia, as Lily entered the living room, her sister lifted her head to glance at her briefly from where she was lying on the couch, reading a magazine. While Lily’s appearance was colorful and contrasting, with her vibrant red hair and emerald eyes, Petunia’s looks were softer. She had sandy blonde hair, which she had inherited from their father, and light blue eyes, which were the same as their mother’s. Ever since Lily had been a little girl, she had always admired her older sister’s beauty, and now at fourteen, Petunia Evans was as pretty as ever, even with the cold look in her eyes as she regarded her younger sister.

“Hello,” Petunia said, looking her sister up and down with an unreadable expression on her face before turning back to her magazine, not moving from her spot on the couch.

Lily smiled at her older sister, feeling nervous. “Hi, Tuney,” she said. “I’ve missed you.”

“Mmhm,” Petunia said, not looking back up at her younger sister. Hurt blossomed in Lily’s chest as she looked at her older sister, who was still studiously ignoring her from the couch. She sighed and shook herself out of the now familiar sensation, moving past Petunia to help her father carry her heavy trunk up the stairs to her bedroom.

Dinner in the Evans household that night consisted of Lily’s favorite: her mum’s shepherd’s pie. Amelia Evans had even made trifle for dessert to celebrate Lily’s homecoming, and Lily was properly stuffed by the end of the evening, her mother and father’s loving company and jokes cheering her up a great deal and making up for Petunia’s stony silence. Hours later, it was finally time for bed, and Lily went upstairs, looking around her room fondly.

Having her own bedroom again after living for months with five other girls felt rather luxurious. Not sleepy yet, Lily began to unpack her trunk slowly, putting away things in their familiar places while the soft sound of The Beatles played from the small cassette player in the corner of her room. She had missed listening to Muggle music in her time at Hogwarts, as her cassette player didn’t work there.

After unpacking most of her things, Lily finally began to feel tired, and changed into her pyjamas, going down the hall to wash her face and brush her teeth. After she patted her skin dry, Lily examined the spots on her forehead critically for a moment before sighing and shrugging. After finishing in the bathroom, she headed back down the hall, glancing sideways at her sister’s closed door before walking to her own and shutting it behind her. She crawled under her covers, switching off the light on her bedside table and settling her head down on the pillow. It took her a little longer than usual to drift off to sleep. After a few minutes, she realized it was because the lack of Marlene’s usual soft snores in the background. She smiled to herself, rather amused, as she had always seen Marlene’s slight snoring as just another annoying thing about the girl. Now, she found she had trouble sleeping without it. Oh, the irony.

....

The first days of summer progressed in their usual manner. Lily got up, got ready, then either set about finding a book to read or went off to do something around Cokeworth. Cokeworth was not a very nice town; it was rather dirty and dreary, the buildings crowded together and casting shadows on the streets, blocking the sun. The roads were patchy and uneven, and the sidewalks were dirty and sometimes strewn with garbage that city workers were not paid enough to pick up.

The street that Lily and her family lived on, luckily for them, was one of the nicer ones in the big city. It was on the outskirts, not quite in the city, the river separating them from the rest of the inhabitants. This river, though it wasn’t the cleanest either, was one of Lily’s favorite places in Cokeworth to spend time at. The banks of the river held some of the rare greenery in Cokeworth, trees and grass untouched by city garbage for the most part. It was true that sometimes teenagers went there to smoke and drink and left their garbage behind them, but the spot that Lily had claimed as her own along the banks, which was only a dozen yards from the church and graveyard up the slope, was usually spared from the litter.

The place was shaded by trees and the ground was cushioned by a combination of grass and moss. In spring, daffodils grew by the water, and throughout spring and summer other wildflowers lined the little clearing, making it feel very magical to Lily. Though the river was too dirty to swim in, Lily spent hours in this little clearing, sometimes reading, sometimes napping, sometimes making flower crowns with the daisies there. The previous year, when Lily had met Severus, she had shown him this special place, swearing him to secrecy, and now the two spent much of their time there.

Often they sat in silence, reading. Lily liked to read a combination of wizarding books and Muggle ones. They ranged from fiction to nonfiction, history books, novels, biographies, textbooks, fairytales, and everything in between. Sometimes she came across something she didn’t understand in a wizarding book, and she asked Severus about it, him explaining the concept to her readily.

Severus, for his part, didn’t read much fiction, but preferred nonfiction. He also only read wizarding books. Sometimes he poured over books about potion-making, making little notes in the margins. Sometimes he read about Charms, drinking in books about spell-writing and advanced sorcery, though Lily reminded him they wouldn’t be able to do any of that stuff until at least fourth year. Sometimes he read books about Defense Against the Dark Arts, pouring over books about dark creatures and spells with fascination. Occasionally, he would bring books about the Dark Arts, which he justified to Lily by saying that it was good to know what you were up against. Still, the thought of what was in those books made her rather uncomfortable, which Severus seemed to sense, and he stopped bringing them.

It wasn’t until mid-July that Lily finally got up the courage to talk to him about the blood status issue which her father had encouraged her to bring up.

“Severus?” She asked one day, setting down her book and looking over at him where he was lying a yard away from her on the grass, absorbed in his Advanced Charms book.

“Hmm?” He said, not looking up at her. Lily fidgeted with her long hair, twirling the ends nervously.

“How well do you know the other Slytherins?” She asked, her heart beating rather fast. Severus looked up at her, his brow furrowed as he frowned at her.

“Why?” He asked, his eyes narrowed suspiciously as he stared at her. She shrugged, and he raised his eyebrows, but answered her nonetheless. “I don’t know most of them that well, after all, I spent most of my free time with you during the term.”

“But you spend some time around them, don’t you?” Lily asked anxiously, still toying with her hair. “When we’re not together?”

“Well, yes,” Severus said, starting to look rather annoyed. “What, am I supposed to spend all my time alone when I’m not with you? You spend some time with your housemates, too, don’t you?”

“Well, of course you shouldn’t be alone,” Lily said, giving him a guilty look. “I just...well, I’m not sure if I like some of your housemates. They’re not very nice to me.”

“You probably misinterpreted,” Severus insisted. “I mean, they’re not all very openly friendly like some of your Gryffindor friends, but they’re okay people.”

Lily plowed on, her face slightly flushed. She would say what she came here to say. She had promised her father. “I think they don’t like me because I’m Muggle-born.”

“You’re just being paranoid,” Severus responded, looking a bit defensive. “I know that the rest of the school doesn’t always like Slytherins, especially some of your Gryffindor friends, I would guess, but I thought you were better than that.”

“So you’ve never heard any of the people you hang around say anything against Muggle-borns?” Lily asked, her voice rather small.

“No, I haven’t, Lily,” Severus said, sighing and giving her a slight glare. “If you haven’t forgotten, I’m not a pureblood, either. Can’t you just trust my word, as your best friend, over those of your Gryffindor friends?”

“Of course I trust you, Sev, it’s just—” Lily started, her face flaming as she looked at him guiltily, feeling awful for bringing the conversation up.

“Then trust that I am a good judge of character, and leave it to me to pick who I spend my time with while you’re off with your Gryffindor housemates,” Severus interrupted, his voice holding cold finality as he turned back to his book. His jaw was clenched, and he didn’t look at her, even as she continued to stare at him, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. She felt deeply ashamed. Of course he had to make the most of his situation, as they weren’t in the same house. What, did she expect him not to ever talk to the people he lived with, had classes with, and ate meals with? Perhaps she was just being selfish, wanting him to just be her friend while she was friends with other people as well as him. Maybe he was right, and her roommates were just trying to get her to doubt him with their pointed comments about Slytherins. She resolved to be more vigilant in future.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. He didn’t respond, so she turned back to her own reading, but her stomach was in knots of regret and sadness for the rest of the day, and the two friends didn’t speak much before they went their separate ways around dinnertime. Lily trudged back to her house, still feeling rather heavy with guilt. She wondered what her father would think about the result of the conversation, but resolved not to tell him. He trusted her, after all. Maybe it was time for her to trust Severus.

....

The rest of the summer passed quickly for Lily, and soon enough she received another letter from Hogwarts detailing the things she would need for her second year at Hogwarts. She initially went to Severus to see if they could go together to Diagon Alley to get their things, but he told her that his mother was going to get them for him on her own, so Lily ended up going with only her mother to London in late August to get her new books and supplies for the coming year.

The trip went smoothly, and Amelia Evans was, as always, fascinated by the wizarding shops. They went to Gringotts first to exchange their pounds for wizarding gold, then set about going from shop to shop, gathering all the various things Lily would need for her second year. When they walked out of Flourish and Blotts, Lily spotted someone she knew across the street.

“Lily!” Dorcas Meadowes exclaimed from where she was standing outside Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor. Lily smiled as the other girl ran up to her, giving her a big hug. “It’s so nice to see you!” Dorcas exclaimed as she pulled back.

“It’s good to see you, too,” Lily said, smiling. “Are you getting your school supplies?”

“Yes, James and Marlene and I are all here getting them together,” Dorcas said, gesturing back to where she had been standing. Lily looked past her to see Marlene McKinnon and James Potter holding back and talking to one another. They hadn’t bothered to come over to greet her, but she wasn’t complaining.

“Mum, this is my friend and roommate, Dorcas Meadowes,” Lily said, remembering her manners. “Dorcas, this is my mum, Amelia.”

“It’s so nice to meet you, Dorcas,” Amelia said, smiling down at Dorcas’ beaming face. “Lily’s told me a great deal about you. I’ve even met your owl, Avellana, a couple of times as she comes with your letters. She’s very beautiful.”

“It’s so nice to meet you, Mrs. Evans,” Dorcas said, smiling up at the older woman. “I hope Avellana hasn’t messed anything up in your household. She can be a bit feisty sometimes.”

“She’s been perfectly behaved whenever I’ve seen her,” Amelia assured her.

“Would you like to have some ice cream with us?” Dorcas asked Lily, nodding to James and Marlene behind her. Lily glanced past her to where James and Marlene were standing, then back up at her mother.

“Thanks for offering, but it’s a long drive back to Cokeworth, so we should be going soon, actually,” she said, giving Dorcas an apologetic smile. Amelia didn’t argue, even though they had plenty of time before dinner, and Lily gave Dorcas one last hug before bidding her goodbye, telling her she would see her on the Hogwarts Express in no time. As Amelia and Lily turned away and Dorcas went back to Marlene and James, Lily could hear her scolding them slightly.

“Lily might have joined us if it weren’t for you two annoying sods,” Dorcas said faintly in the background. “You could have at least said hello!”

Lily smiled slightly as she heard Marlene and James hurry to retort back, defensiveness in both their voices, before she moved out of earshot. Thankfully, Lily’s mother didn’t comment on her refusal to join her classmates, and instead they walked in amicable silence away from the icecream shop as Amelia consulted Lily’s list.

“I think we’ve got everything,” she declared finally.

“Great! Should we go back through the Leaky Cauldron, then?” Lily asked her mother, hoisting one of her bookbags more firmly onto her shoulder.

“Not quite yet, I think,” Amelia said, smiling. “There’s one more shop I’d like to go into.” Lily looked at her mother, mystified, as she led her towards the Magical Menagerie. Her mother shot her a smile, opening the door and holding it for her daughter to enter. Lily walked into the shop, looking all around. Everywhere there were cages full of a variety of strange animals, from ordinary cats and dogs to what looked like multi-colored puff balls, which were making high pitched whistling sounds.

“What are we doing in here?” Lily asked her mother, confused even as she looked around the shop in interest.

“Well, your father and I had the idea around your birthday this year,” Amelia explained, smiling at her daughter. “that instead of getting you a lot of presents, we could get you a rather bigger gift over the summer before your second year.”

“Wait, you mean—” Lily asked, her eyes widening as she looked around the pet shop. “You mean that I can pick out a pet to bring with me to Hogwarts this year?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, dear,” Amelia said, beaming down at her daughter, pleased by her obvious excitement. “We thought of choosing one for you, but we decided it would be better for you to do it yourself.”

“Oh Merlin,” Lily exclaimed, jumping up and down excitedly and clapping her hands. “What on earth should I choose?”

“Well, you could get an owl like your friend Dorcas has,” Amelia suggested, turning to examine the cages around her.

“Hmmm,” Lily said, looking around critically as she thought. “But I can already use the school owls to use when I’m at Hogwarts. I think I would rather get a cat, if that’s alright!”

“That sounds lovely,” Amelia beamed. “I had a cat in my childhood, they’re wonderful companions. We just need to make sure it’s fixed.”

Lily dashed over to the area where the cats were, looking from feline to feline. They all looked rather friendly, but she was especially drawn to a little calico cat who pressed up against the cage, trying to rub against her hand. She looked up at her mother, who was standing beside her, smiling.

“Can I meet her?” Lily asked the proprietor of the shop, who smiled and nodded, opening the cage and allowing the little cat down to the floor. She allowed Lily to pet her, purring and rubbing against her. Amelia Evans allowed Lily to get acquainted for several minutes while she asked the shopkeeper questions about the cat, confirming that she was spayed, that she got along with most people, and the details of her care. After fifteen minutes, Lily was beaming with delight and carrying the cage containing the cat back to their car.

Amelia helped her daughter put her books and school supplies in the back of the car, then handed the cat’s cage to her after she sat down in the passenger seat. Once her mother started driving, Lily put the cage at her feet and allowed the cat to sit in her lap, which she submitted to quite easily. Amelia smiled to herself as she saw her daughter, out of the corner of her eye, stroking the feline, an adoring expression on her face.

“What do you think you’ll call her?” She asked after a while.

“I was thinking Callie,” Lily said, not looking up from her lap. “She feels like a Callie.”

“That’s a nice name,” Amelia said, smiling. In the car ride back to Cokeworth, Callie fell asleep in Lily’s lap while mother and daughter discussed the classes Lily was most looking forward to in the coming school year—Potions and Charms—and as Lily told her mother more about all the unusual features of the castle, which Amelia was fascinated with. Once they exhausted that topic, Lily told her mother about the different elective classes that she would have to choose between at the end of second year to start taking in third year, Amelia commenting on which ones seemed the most interesting to her. Of course, her mother was excited by the prospect of Care of Magical Creatures, as Lily had expected, and she quite agreed, but she thought all of them sounded fun.

Once they arrived back home, Richard had dinner prepared, but he spent ten minutes doting after Callie before they were all able to eat. Petunia had greeted the cat with a snort and said that animals were unhygienic, to which Lily rolled her eyes. She was getting a bit better at not letting her sister’s jibes get to her. After dinner, Lily went upstairs to pack her purchases securely into her trunk. There were already a few things in there, mostly her old books from last year which she still needed for her current classes, and her completed homework assignments for the summer. She sighed happily, taking in the open trunk, which Callie promptly jumped into, lying down among the books like it was her new home. Lily laughed and picked her up, laying Callie down on her bed instead and curling around her, petting her as the cat purred happily.

The presence of Callie was not only exciting, Lily was extremely relieved to know that she would have her as a companion during the following years at Hogwarts. Though she loved the castle, her classes, and her friends, it was still rather lonely sometimes, and difficult to be away from home. Lily really did like her housemates—some of them, at least—and valued the friendships that she building with Dorcas and some of the other girls, but Severus’ words from July had made her question if they were trying to turn her against him. She felt wary of them, now, and she had always felt rather an outsider among them, too, as they spent most of their time with one another, and she was often off with Severus. It wasn’t just a feeling, she was an outsider in their group, and it was she who did it to herself, or perhaps a combination of her and Severus. Still, it was Severus who told her that she was a witch, it was Severus who always said that she was a brilliant witch, it was Severus who knew her best and was always by her side. That meant that she should trust him more than them. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. What Snape is doing to Lily is gaslighting and not an acceptable way to treat your friends (or anyone).


	5. Lying Game

The morning of the 1st of September, 1972, Remus Lupin was awake at almost the crack of dawn, staring out his small bedroom window as the sun rose over the Welsh hills in the distance. Remus wasn’t usually a morning person, but this particular morning he had woken suddenly and been unable to fall back asleep when he realized that, in a few hours, he would see his friends again on the Hogwarts Express. His trunk was already packed, sitting at the foot of his bed, but he rose and got dressed, combing his hair and brushing his teeth. He looked into the mirror in the small bathroom that he and his parents shared and his own blue eyes stared back at him, unnaturally large in his thin face below his light brown, wavy hair.

Remus sometimes had trouble reconciling himself with his appearance. Even after all the years, he was still surprised by how mild he looked when he saw himself in a mirror, as if he had been expecting some trace of the wolf to be staring back at him. The only evidence that he was a werewolf on his body, however, were the scars. They littered his skin, some on his chest and back, a couple on his arms and legs, and, most prominently, the large bite mark on his upper thigh where the werewolf that bit him had dug in and clung on on that fateful night seven and a half years ago, when his entire life had changed.

The scars were all pale and would not be very noticeable to the casual observer, but Remus’ eyes automatically went to them whenever he looked at his own skin. Luckily, he rarely had to deal with open wounds for long after his transformations, as the many healing potions and spells his parents—and, in the last year, Madam Pomfrey as well—used on him made his cuts heal almost instantly. Some disappeared while others left scars, but it was easier to explain scars away to the rare person that noticed them than a still red, healing scratch or bite mark. This was good, too, because Remus’ whole existence at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry relied upon him explaining away many things, and the easier it was for him to do, the better.

Remus often felt anxious about the possibility that he would slip up in one of his lies, and that his classmates would find out about his condition, ruining his chance of keeping any friends and of attending school any longer. During the past year, he had made up several different excuses for his disappearances, mostly to his roommates, who would notice his absence when others wouldn’t. He sometimes told them that he had to visit his sick mother at home, and other times would say that he himself was ill, and had to stay in the Hospital Wing for the night. This excuse seemed relatively plausible, Remus thought, as he did always look a bit pale and peaky in the days leading up to, and following, the full moon. Still, his friends were smart and curious boys—one of the reasons he liked them—and he sometimes felt that they were suspicious of his tales.

Despite the pretense and the anxiety it caused him, Remus was ecstatic at the prospect of seeing his friends again, and to go back to Hogwarts. As a small child, before he had been bitten, his father had told him many tales of his times at Hogwarts, and Remus had always thought of the place with excitement. After he had been infected with lycanthropy, however, the idea of going to school with other wizards and witches his age seemed impossible, given that his family had to live far away from all other wizards to avoid them finding out about Remus’ secret. Neither Remus nor his parents had believed their eyes when Albus Dumbledore appeared on their doorstep a little less than year and a half ago, telling Remus and his shocked parents that he had been accepted at Hogwarts, and that he was there to discuss how to accommodate Remus at school.

All of these events had felt like miracles to Remus, but despite his luck at being able to attend wizarding school, he had nevertheless always assumed that he must stay alone and friendless throughout his time there, so as to avoid having others discovering his secret. Against his will, however, he had found himself making friends with the three other boys who shared his dormitory. At first, he had distanced himself from them, not joining in conversations completely and saying no to going on adventures with them. Eventually, though, they had worn him down. James, in particular, wouldn’t take no for an answer, pushing his way into Remus’ life and demanding that he allow himself to have friends who cared about him, were loyal to him, and protected him. Sirius, like Remus, was a bit more withdrawn at the start of the term, happy to join in adventures and mischief, but balking at the idea of actually letting any of them in for real.

Remus thought it was probably for this reason that Sirius and Remus had gained a way of understanding each other that neither James nor Peter had. It was as if, without speaking any of it out loud, they recognized something in each other that they had only previously seen in themselves. This feeling lingered long after James had wormed his way into both of their hearts, creating a close-knit group from four strangers. Sure, James and Sirius were best friends: they had similar personalities, tendencies, and would always be there for each other in situations that Remus would rather not be party to. Despite this, Remus felt no resentment towards either of them; their individual closeness didn’t take away from their group friendship, just in the way that his relationship with either of them, or with Peter, didn’t do so. Even though he had been reluctant to have close friends upon entering Hogwarts, he was now extremely grateful for his friends, and couldn’t imagine life without them.

The whole summer, Remus’ heart had ached missing them. Though he had exchanged several owls back and forth with all three, it wasn’t the same. Today, though, they would all be together again, and he could hardly wait. He exited the bathroom and walked down the stairs to the sitting room, thinking that one of his parents would probably be up by then. He was not disappointed, as he spotted his mother immediately, her back to him in the kitchen as she busied herself making tea. He cleared his throat slightly, not wanting to startle her, and said “Morning, mum.”

Hope Lupin turned at his voice, smiling to he her son standing at the bottom of the stairs. Hope resembled her son quite a bit, with the same wavy, light brown hair, thin face, and straight nose, but she had brown eyes, as Remus had inherited his blue ones from his father, Lyall. While Lyall Lupin was a pureblood wizard, Hope was a Muggle who he had encountered one day in Wales, while he was working on a project for his work on Non-Human Spiritous Apparitions. He had fallen in love with her, and she with him, and they had married and had Remus soon after.

Remus had always been closer to his mother than to his father. She was soft, gentle, and imaginative, and being around her lifted his spirits whenever he was feeling depressed about his lot in life. While he loved his father, he was not as sensitive as his mother, and tended towards pessimism, like Remus himself, meaning that he wasn’t always the best to go to when Remus needed cheering up.

“Good morning, cariad,” Hope said, smiling at her son as he walked over and sat down on the other side of the kitchen counter. “Are you excited to go back to Hogwarts?” She asked, pushing a mug of tea in front of him. She must have heard him get up, and prepared tea for him as well as for her. Remus took the mug in between his hands, warming them.

“I am,” he admitted, smiling. “Though I’ll be sad to leave you.”

“You will be fine,” Hope said, laying her hand on his cheek affectionately. “I’m sure your friends will be excited to see you again. I wish they had come over this summer, I’ve heard so much about them from you and would love to meet them someday.”

Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He didn’t much like the idea of having his friends over to his house. It wasn’t about the house itself. He knew it was modest, probably much smaller than where either James or Sirius had grown up, but he knew they wouldn’t care, and he loved it for what it was. No, it was more about the secrets that it held that bothered him. Physically, there was the cellar where he had spent every full moon from the age of six until he went to Hogwarts, and the last two he had endured over the summer.

More than this, however, was the fact that their house was in the middle of nowhere, as they had found the secluded spot after two years of moving around, trying to keep other people from finding out about Remus’ condition. Then there was the fact that his mother, whom he had said was ill on numerous occasions to excuse his absence on full moons, resided here, completely healthy. The place felt full of secrets, really, and Remus thought that bringing his friends here would cause them to become unleashed, all at once, like Pandora’s box.

All he said to his mother on the subject, however, was, “Of course you will,” and she didn’t press him. After drinking their tea, Remus helped his mother to prepare breakfast, and then they sat eating toast and scrambled eggs, Remus’ father joining them halfway through. After breakfast, they cleaned up the kitchen, and went to sit in the living room for a while, talking with each other about various subjects such as what books they were reading, what classes Remus was looking forward to at school, and the state of the garden. Remus knew that both he and his parents were trying to savor the last dregs of time that they had together before he went away again. He would truly miss them both, as he felt that he was closer to his parents than the average person his age, given all that they had been through and dealt with together.

Despite his excitement to go back to Hogwarts, it felt quite too soon when, thirty minutes before the train was scheduled to leave from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, his father told Remus that he should go upstairs to do one last check to see if he had left anything important. He scanned his room once upstairs, and, finding nothing of import that he hadn’t packed yet, grasped his heavy trunk and carried it back downstairs. Twenty minutes to eleven, he hugged his mother goodbye at the gate of their little cottage garden, his father next to him, carrying his trunk in one hand. After one last look, he placed his hand on his father’s arm, holding on tightly, and his father, as he always did, apparated them both to an empty alley next to King’s Cross Station in London.

This was always the way that Lyall Lupin chose to take his son to London, as it was a more than three hour drive from where they lived to King’s Cross, and it was rather impractical and inconvenient to schedule a Portkey from the Ministry. They walked together into the station, making their way towards the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Looking around surreptitiously, they walked casually towards the barrier, and, when the coast was clear, disappeared through it onto Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, where the Hogwarts Express was standing there belching steam, just as Remus remembered it. A wide smile broke across his face upon the sight of the platform with all the other students milling around it.

Lyall first helped Remus put his trunk into the luggage rack on the train, then they stepped back out onto the Platform to say their goodbyes. Lyall pulled his son into a hug, holding him to him tightly for long time. Remus knew it was always difficult for his father to let him go at times like these, as his instinct had always been to hold him close and protect him, especially after he had been bitten. Finally, after a minute or so, his father pulled back and smiled at him rather sadly. “You’ll take care of yourself, won’t you?” He said gruffly, brushing Remus’ hair out of his eyes with one hand. Remus smiled up at his father.

“Of course I will. I’ll write to you and mum often, as well.”

“Good,” Lyall said. “You can tell us all about how your classes are going, and whatever mischief those friends of yours have got you caught up in.” He smiled amusedly, not quite managing a reprimanding tone. Remus knew that both Hope and Lyall were extremely grateful for the rest of the boys, as they had always feared that Remus would be alone forever, just as Remus had.

“I’m sure they’ll come up with lots of hare-brained schemes that’ll make you laugh,” Remus said, laughing slightly while rolling his eyes.

“I’m sure I will be highly amused,” Lyall responded, smiling. “Now go find yourself a compartment, and have a good train ride. Remember that we love you.”

“I love you, too, dad,” Remus said, hugging him briefly again before getting back on the train. He waved at his father once through the window, and then turned his back on him to head down the corridor towards the compartment that he, Sirius, James, and Peter always shared. It was empty, as Remus had expected it to be—he generally turned up to everything earlier than the rest of his friends, and today was no different—and Remus sat by the window, looking out towards the platform, which was rapidly becoming more and more crowded. His father was nowhere to be seen, so clearly he had already disapparated. He scanned the platform, looking for people he recognized. He caught flashes of people he thought he knew, like the rosy cheeks and olive skin of Hestia Jones, the long raven-colored locks of Mary MacDonald, and the fair, freckly profile of Marlene McKinnon, but he didn’t see any of the rest of the his roommates.

After waiting for about five minutes, however, the compartment door slid open with a bang so loud that Remus was worried it might shatter, and suddenly Sirius Black had dashed into the compartment and lifted Remus from his seat in an enthusiastic and rib-cracking hug. When he finally released him, panting, Remus laughed as he sat back down, Sirius throwing himself down across from him. “And I thought that _I_ was excited to come back!”

“You would not _believe_ the shite I’ve had to deal with the past two months, Remus!” Sirius exclaimed loudly, a broad grin on his face. His hair was a bit longer than it had been last year, and Remus thought it rather suited him. “I was going _insane_ in that house, back with my family. Trust me, if I had had to stay even another week, I would have exploded!”

“I’m glad you’re away from there now,” Remus said, trying to hide his concern, as he knew that Sirius hated the idea of being pitied or worried over by his friends. He tried to brush it off with a joke, however. “I’m also glad that I’m considered better company than your family, though it is a low bar, I know.”

Sirius let out a laugh, and reached across to ruffle Remus’ hair, affectionately. “You know I missed you, Remus, even if I’m not looking forward to having you nag me about homework again this year.”

“Well, if you would just do it on your own—” Remus began, exasperatedly, but he broke off as the compartment door opened again, and James walked in, grinning at them both. Sirius leapt up again, and dashed over to give James a big hug, as well. Remus got to his feet, too, giving James a much gentler hug after Sirius finally let go.

“Alright, alright, I know you both missed me terribly, but let a man breathe!” James said, dramatically, throwing himself down on the seat beside Sirius and grinning at his two friends.

“You’re so full of it,” Sirius said, grinning at his best friend.

“Oh, so you _haven’t_ been pining after me for the last two months?” James asked innocently, putting a hand over his chest in mock hurt. “I’m crushed, mate.”

“Wow, it hasn’t even been two minutes and I’m already wondering why I missed you two,” Remus said, rolling his eyes and dodging the kick that Sirius aimed at him for his words.

“Clearly _Remus_ has been pining over you, James,” Sirius snorted, while James blew Remus a kiss. They bantered back and forth for several more minutes, until the last member of their group, Peter Pettigrew, arrived out of breath.

“You really cut it close, Pete,” James exclaimed, getting up to hug him, Remus and Sirius following, as the train began to move.

“Yeah, I nearly missed it,” Peter said, shaking his head and smiling slightly as he sat down next to Remus. “Slept in too late.”

“What happens if you miss the train, d’you reckon?” James asked, curiously. “I mean, do you think I would have to, like, get on my broom and fly to Hogwarts instead?”

“You wish,” Remus snorted. “That would break a couple of Wizarding Laws, including the fact that someone could see you and then the Statute of Secrecy would be at risk.”

“Not if I wore my invisibility cloak,” James argued.

“You wouldn’t be able to keep it on while you were flying, and it wouldn’t conceal the underside of your broom,” Sirius pointed out. “You would have to perform a disillusionment charm, and we haven’t learned those yet.”

“Not to mention it would be underage magic if you did it outside of Hogwarts,” Remus said, rolling his eyes again. “No, I think you would just have to get someone to side-along apparate you—or get a Portkey—to Hogsmeade.”

“That’s so boring, though,” James pouted.

“Please don’t purposefully miss the train to try and fly to Hogwarts one year, James,” Remus sighed, exasperatedly. “You would be kicked out for sure.”

“His mum would never let him, anyway,” Sirius said, smirking.

“Oi, I could get away with it if I wanted to!” James exclaimed, glaring at Sirius.

“Wanna bet?” Sirius said, leaning forward.

“No, you do not,” Remus said, fixing them both with a quelling look. James huffed in annoyance, while Sirius grinned across at Remus, amusement all over his face.

“I kind of missed you looking after us, making sure we don’t get ourselves killed, Remus,” he said. Remus only rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t quite hold back a smile, as he couldn’t deny that he had missed it, too.

....

The first two weeks of term passed quite predictably for Remus. They all settled back into their rhythms in the dorm, in classes, and in spending time with their friends. James and Marlene both succeeded in getting on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, James as a Chaser and Marlene as the Seeker, which they were both ecstatic about. Classes were more difficult, but Remus enjoyed the higher level magic they were learning, as it was often more interesting than the things he had learned before. He felt quite at home in the castle, with little of the out-of-place, alienated feeling he had experienced the previous year after arriving. This, Remus assumed, was due to the fact that he already had friends at the beginning of this year. He was closest to James, Sirius, and Peter, of course, but they also hung out a great deal with Marlene and Dorcas as a group, and Remus liked them both quite a bit, as well.

He sometimes studied in the library with Lily Evans and Mary MacDonald, as well, as Sirius and James generally refused to work in there, preferring to do their homework in the noisy common room, which Remus could not stand. He wouldn’t claim to know either Lily or Mary very well, and knew Lily was rather wary of him due to her dislike of James and Sirius, but she was an intelligent and kind person to spend time with on occasion. Mary was quiet, but the occasional witty or observant remark she would make at the most unexpected moments led Remus to like her quite a bit, even if he _didn’t_ know her well.

All to soon, the first full moon of the year approached, and Remus had to decide what excuse he was going to come up with to explain his absence this time, something he dreaded every month. Two days before the moon was full, he finally decided to tell his friends that his mum was ill again and that he had to visit her.

The night before the full moon, in the second year boy’s dormitory, he mustered the courage to make his announcement. “Uh,” Remus said, clearing his throat slightly. “I got a letter this morning from my dad. My mum’s ill again, so I have to go and see her tomorrow.”

Silence greeted his words, as James, Sirius, and Peter stared up at him, doing nothing to decrease Remus’ anxiety. Finally, James spoke. “I’m sorry to hear that, mate,” he said, carefully. He stood up and approached Remus, pulling him into a hug. Peter muttered his own condolences, looking slightly awkward, as if he didn’t know what to say. Sirius, on the other hand, looked suspicious.

“But you just saw her two weeks ago, surely she doesn’t need you to see her again right now,” he said, narrowing his eyes at his roommate. Remus swallowed nervously, his cheeks flushing under Sirius’ piercing gaze.

“Sirius!” James hissed reproachfully. “Don’t be insensitive.”

“Sorry,” Sirius said, ducking his head and looking slightly ashamed of himself. “I hope your mum feels better soon.” Remus nodded, relieved that the crisis was averted, though still a little flushed.

....

The evening after the full moon ended, Remus returned to the dormitory, responding to his friends’ inquiries about his mother’s health with short, non-specific answers and vague shrugs and avoiding their eyes, just as he always did. He caught Sirius looking at him through narrowed eyes again before he quickly turned away.

The next morning, when he sat down in Defense Against the Dark Arts and reached into his bag to get his books, Remus winced slightly, his shoulder protesting. He had dislocated it during the full moon, and though Madam Pomfrey had set it back into place and healed it, it still ached a bit. To his surprise, he saw another pair of hands reach into his book back and grab his textbook, notebook, and quill, placing it on his desk for him. He looked up to see Sirius, who gave him a slight smile. “What did you do to your shoulder?” He asked, his voice mild, but his eyes piercing Remus, just as they had when he had asked him why he had to go home. Remus flushed slightly, cursing himself for this traitorous reflex.

“Nothing much,” he said hastily. “I think I just slept on it wrong last night or something.” Sirius did not respond, only took out his own books and looked up to the front of the class, to where Professor Fawley began his lecture on the disarming spell. Remus was not fully able to pay attention during the class due to his nagging worry about the suspicious look Sirius kept giving him. He concluded that would just have to step up his lying game from then on.

However, this resolution was hard to keep, as, throughout the next two months, Sirius continued to ask these sort of random, prying questions, which often felt too close to uncovering Remus’ lies for comfort. Not only did Sirius question him about his excuses for leaving at each full moon—Remus had resolved to say he was ill, instead of visiting home, but this didn’t seem to dampen Sirius’ curiosity in the slightest—he commented on Remus’ soreness, tiredness, and injuries, which Remus always had after each full moon. With each question Sirius asked, or piercing look the other boy gave him, Remus’ anxiety level increased. He worried, too, that it wasn’t only Sirius who was suspicious about his excuses, and that James and Peter were just too polite to voice them, as Sirius did.

Remus was panicking; he had no idea what to do. He didn’t want to write home to his parents with his concerns, as he knew that his father would panic as well and want to take him out of Hogwarts, and Remus couldn’t do that. However, if the boys in his dormitory found out, what if he had no choice? What if they told the whole school, and Professor Dumbledore was forced by Ministry and pressure from concerned parents to expel him? At night, Remus would lie awake thinking about this possibility, resulting in him having dark circles under his eyes all the time, not merely around the full moon. He was haunted by worry, and, recklessly, he wished that his roommates would just confront him with their suspicions already, as the suspense was torturing him.

In late November, his wish came true. Remus returned to the dorm late one night, having been in the library, which he had begun to spend more and more time in over the course of the last two months, trying to avoid his roommates. However, instead of coming back to find them asleep, as he usually did, Remus opened the door to find them all waiting up for him, sitting on their respective beds and talking in low voices. As he appeared, they stopped talking and stared at him. Remus tried to act casual, setting his books down on his bedside table, but his heart was beating like a drum in his chest, his throat constricted.

“Hi,” James said, a little awkwardly.

“Hi,” Remus responded, hoping that his voice sounded relatively normal. At least it didn’t come out in a squeak.

“You haven’t been around much over the last couple of weeks,” James said, looking at Remus with concern in his eyes as Remus pretended to search for something in his book bag.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been busy studying, I guess,” Remus said, not looking up at them. He heard, but did not see, Sirius stand up from where he was sitting on his bed, and braced himself for whatever Sirius was about to do.

“Cut the shit, Remus,” Sirius said, frustration evident in his voice. Sirius was the only one out of the four of them that really swore yet, and Remus assumed he had picked up the habit over the summer to annoy his family. Remus abandoned his pretense of looking for something in his bag and stood up, facing Sirius warily, as the other boy continued. “We know perfectly well that you’ve been avoiding us, and it’s because you know exactly what we want to talk to you about now!”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” Remus said, feebly trying to deflect Sirius’ harsh tone and piercing glare. James stood, too, his gaze much gentler than Sirius’, looking imploringly at Remus.

“Remus, you don’t have to lie,” he said. “We all know that Sirius hasn’t been exactly subtle in his prying these last few months. You’re smart enough to know exactly what we’re talking about.”

Remus met Sirius’ eyes for the first time in weeks, then turned his gaze to both James and Peter in turn. Of course he knew, of course he knew what they were going to talk to him about. He had known for weeks that this conversation was inevitable, but now that it was happening it felt like something which had been closing in on him for the last year had finally caught up to him. He was not ready to lose his friends. He looked up at James, desperately meeting his eyes, almost pleading with him. “What do you want me to say? You need me to say it out loud, do you? What can that possibly do for you?”

James looked back at him, his eyes sad. “Remus, we’re not trying to make you do anything. It’s just...we’re your friends. We want you to talk to us.”

Remus looked back at Sirius, whose grey eyes had softened slightly. Their eyes locked, and Remus knew that Sirius understood him, in this moment. He understood that Remus needed someone to say it out loud, before he did, so that it wouldn’t be an unspoken, frightening thing hanging in the silence between them. Therefore, Sirius obliged him.

“We know that you’re a werewolf,” Sirius said, and the words seemed to echo in Remus’ brain. “I’ve suspected ever since the end of last term, but by the start of this year, I was sure of it. I did some research, and shared my suspicions with James and Peter.”

There was a ringing silence after Sirius’ words, which felt deafening and overwhelming to Remus. He felt small, looking at them as they stood there, staring at him. Finally, he choked out a single word. “And?”

“What do you mean?” James said, confused, looking at Remus in concern. “And what?”

“What are you going to do?” Remus asked, his voice sounding small and young. “Are you going to tell everyone? Get me kicked out?”

A moment of shocked silence followed his question, then all three of them started to talk, stopped, and interrupted each other. Finally, James spoke above the others. “Merlin, Remus, no! Why in the world would we do that?”

“Because I’m a monster,” Remus said, his voice barely a whisper as he gazed down at the floor, rather than look them in their eyes. “I can’t blame you if you don’t want to live with me or see me ever again.”

Another shocked silence followed, and this time, Sirius broke it. “Don’t be ridiculous, Remus,” he said, gruffly. Remus looked up at him, and saw that Sirius was fixing him with a very strange, almost pained look on his face. “You’re about the least monstrous person I know. You’re compulsively on time to every class, your essays are always longer than they ought to be, you fold your clothes as soon as you take them off, and you refuse to get into any fights and scold us whenever we jinx anyone, even if they deserved it. What’s more, you’re our best friend! I don’t care if you’re a werewolf, you’re still the same Remus who’s always looking out for me, no matter what.”

“Of course we don’t think you’re a monster!” James said, looking quite shocked.

“We would never tell anyone about you being a werewolf,” Peter added, from where he was still sitting behind James and Sirius, on his bed, looking on with wide eyes.

“So,” Remus said, feeling quite like his world had been turned upside down, as this was not at all the reaction that he had expected. “Let me get this straight: you don’t care at all that once a month, I turn into a vicious wolf that would try and kill every single one of you if you came across me?”

“Oh, now you’re just being dramatic,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “Sorry to break it to you, Remus, but even if you transformed into a bloody Hungarian Horntail once a month, I would still have trouble being scared of you. I’ve seen you fold your socks.”

“Dramatic!” Remus exclaimed loudly, pacing and staring at Sirius in horror. “You’re being ridiculous! I am quite literally a dangerous dark creature, and you’re treating the whole thing like it’s a joke!”

“Of course we know it’s not a joke, Remus,” James said softly, looking at his friend cautiously. “But I for one refuse to hate you for something you can’t control, even if that’s how you feel about yourself.”

Remus sagged at his words, stopping mid-pace, going to sit down on the edge of his own bed, and burying his head in his hands. Against his will, he felt tears begin to slide down his face. Someone else sank onto the mattress beside him, and felt a hand on the back of his kneck, pulling him into the other boy’s shoulder. He knew that it was Sirius because his longer hair was tickling the back of Remus’ neck as Remus cried into his shoulder, the other boy’s arms around him. After a long time, he pulled away from Sirius and looked back up to see James standing in front of them, looking helpless, and Peter hovering a little bit behind him. Remus wiped his eyes, sniffing slightly.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice still thick with tears. “It’s just, I’ve been terrified at the prospect of anyone finding out about what I am ever since I was bitten; my parents told me that I had to hide it at all costs. For the last two months, I’ve known that you guys must be figuring it out, and it’s like I’ve been teetering at a precipice...I was terrified that I would be expelled, or that my father would force me to come home even if I wasn’t. I never imagined this.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, looking very guilty as Remus turned his gaze onto him. “I’m really sorry for being so...well, nosy and obvious about it. I didn’t realize how much anxiety I was causing you.”

“S’all right,” Remus said, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his sweater, and ducking his head so he didn’t have to look at them. A long pause followed, during which Remus could tell James, Sirius, and Peter were exchanging glances, silently communicating between themselves. It was James who finally voiced the question that was on all of their minds.

“Remus, can I ask...when did you become a werewolf?” He looked a bit frightened as Remus looked up at him, so he backtracked hastily. “I mean, you don’t have to tell us anything if you don’t want to, I just wondered…” He trailed off, looking a bit sheepish. Remus paused for a long moment, collecting himself and thinking about James’ question. He had never told anyone his secret ever before, so he had never relayed this story before, either. He realized for the first time in his life that he wanted to tell it. He had been bursting with the weight of the secrets he carried with him for too many years.

“I was four years old,” Remus said, casting his eyes to the floor so that he wouldn’t have to see with their reactions to his words. He didn’t think he could deal with their pity, or their shock. “Almost five, really. A werewolf broke through my window when I was sleeping one night, and bit me. My father fought it off before it could kill me, and brought me to St. Mungo’s.”

“You were only four, and you _survived_?” James said, his voice only a shocked whisper. Remus nodded at the carpet.

“I’m not sure why, though it was partly due to the speed at which my father got me to the hospital to get treated. If he hadn’t, I would have died,” his voice was flat, concealing the emotion beneath it. “Lucky they treated me, as well. Another Healer, not one of the ones who saved my life, told my father afterward that it would probably be kinder to have let me die than to have me live like this.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Sirius said, his voice almost a growl in his anger. “You’re still a human being, and you were a child at that time! How could they even suggest that they let you die?”

Remus shrugged. “It’s how a lot of people feel about my kind,” he said, then paused, choosing his next words carefully. “And sometimes a part of me does wish I had died, during my transformations.”

“Are they very painful?” Peter squeaked out, sounding terrified on Remus’ behalf.

“Well, I break every bone in my body when I turn into a wolf,” Remus said, wryly, looking up, “So yes, they are quite agonizing. I almost died during some of my early transformations, as well, being so young.”

Sirius grimaced in sympathy, and James and Peter looked shocked. After a pause, James blurted out, “I’m glad you didn’t die, Remus. I’m glad you’re here with us.”

“Thank you, James,” Remus said, sounding a bit tired.

“So...where do you transform? How do you keep safe?” Sirius asked, curiously.

“When I’m home I transform in a locked cellar near our house,” Remus said, looking down at his hands. “When I’m here at Hogwarts, Madam Pomfrey brings me to the Shrieking Shack to transform every full moon, and then I stay in the Hospital Wing to recover afterwards.”

“The Shrieking Shack?” James said, sounding confused. “Why there?”

“Well, it was created for me, actually,” said Remus, looking around at them. “There’s a secret passageway from under the Whomping Willow that leads to the house. The tree was planted at the entrance of it to keep anyone from going down there, but there’s a knot on the trunk that freezes the tree so I can go down there to transform away from anyone I can hurt.”

“But isn’t that house supposed to be haunted?” Peter asked, his voice high with fear. Remus cracked his first smile in a long time.

“Haunted by me, I guess,” he said, laughing slightly. “The sounds that come from the house are the sounds of my transformation. Professor Dumbledore just encouraged the rumor that it was haunted as a cover.” He sobered, slightly. “It’s the only way that I’m able to attend Hogwarts, with all these arrangements. Even then, it’s a risk, and I owe a lot to Dumbledore. No previous Headmaster would have ever let me come here at all.”

“Well, it would have been downright stupid of them to keep you from coming here,” James stated firmly. “You’re one of the smartest, most hard-working students in our year. You deserve to be here just as much as any of us, if not more.”

“Yes, well, I’m glad I can be here with you all,” Remus said, smiling slightly.

“This means you can’t disappear on us anymore, then,” Sirius exclaimed, raising his eyebrows pointedly at Remus from beside him on the bed, though his gaze was still rather soft. “We all care about you, and so you’re not allowed to say that you’re a monster anymore, either!”

“Fine,” Remus said, a smile breaking onto his face rather reluctantly, as he looked around at them. “It will be nice to not have to lie to you all anymore.”

“You were a pretty terrible liar, anyway,” James admitted, grinning. Remus rolled his eyes, but smiled as James pulled him up into a tight hug, his care and concern evident in the gesture. Peter hugged him, too, and so did Sirius, for the second time that evening.

As he went to sleep that night, Remus felt at peace for the first time in months. He still couldn’t quite believe what had just happened, he almost pinched himself to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. He knew he couldn’t tell his father that his friends knew his secret, it would stress him out too much, but it hardly mattered anymore. Now, his parents were not the only people in the world who knew his secret, which meant he could finally trust his friends with the whole of him, as he had never been able to before. It was an extremely freeing feeling.

Remus continued to be surprised, over the next few weeks, of how well the rest of the boys handled knowing and keeping his secret. After two weeks, James started referring to Remus’ lycanthropy as his “furry little problem,” which made the rest of them roar with laughter whenever he said it, and lightened Remus’ mood considerably around the next full moon. A week after that, when Sirius hurried over to where he, James, and Peter were studying in an empty part of the library and placed several books in front of him, introducing the idea of becoming Animagi to keep Remus company, Remus was filled with nothing but awe and gratitude towards his friends for their loyalty to him. He could barely speak due to how overcome he was with emotion, but when they asked him if he liked the idea, he nodded fervently, tears filling his eyes in gratitude.

Remus had not thought it possible, at the beginning of his time at Hogwarts, that he would ever have friends. However, as he watched them now, pouring over books about the process of becoming Animagi, he realized that from the first moment where they all gathered in their dormitory after the welcoming feast, this had been inevitable. No matter how hard he tried to push them away, and despite his own fear that they would abandon him when they learned the truth, they refused to relent, refused to let him down, and refused to let him worm away from them. Despite his fear of being seen and loved, he had not been able to prevent them from loving him, or prevent himself from loving them back. In one part of his brain, he knew that allowing them to know what he was and trusting them with the secret was reckless, as his father would tell him if he ever found out, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to care, just then.


	6. A Black Family Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: abuse, violence

Christmas at Grimmauld Place was not the celebratory event that Sirius had learned in his time at Hogwarts was custom for most families. Unlike his other classmates, Sirius’ Christmases did not include presents, a Christmas tree, decorations, or anything that could be considered ‘merriment.’ Instead, Christmas Day at Grimmauld Place meant getting dressed up in stiff, high-collared black dress robes and sitting around the long dining room table with his extended family. Usually this meant all of his uncles, aunts, and cousins, but this year, his Aunt Lucretia and Ignatious Prewett were away on holiday, and his Uncle Alphard had politely declined the invitation to Christmas dinner for one reason or another, so it was just Sirius’ and his Uncle Cygnus’ family.

Sirius only had three cousins: Bellatrix was twenty, and had graduated Hogwarts several years previously, while Andromeda was eighteen, and had graduated the previous year, and Narcissa was sixteen, and in her sixth year at Hogwarts. Sirius saw Narcissa sometimes in the corridors, but they almost never acknowledged each other. Sirius knew that Narcissa would, on occasion, report on his behavior and the people he interacted with to his mother, who would send him angry letters in response.

He distinctly remembered seeing Narcissa’s face, cold and disapproving, as he walked towards the Gryffindor table after being sorted on his very first night at Hogwarts. Her eyes bored into his own, unforgiving, until he looked away from her. He had been ecstatic about being sorted into Gryffindor—anywhere but Slytherin would have done, but he had always admired Gryffindors when he read about the house in books—though this excitement was somewhat tainted with fear. He had laid awake for more than an hour on that first night, looking up at the top of his four-poster bed, thinking about what his parents’ reactions would be upon hearing the news. He was not too surprised, therefore, upon receiving an angry letter the very next day in his mother’s hand, knowing that Narcissa must have been all too happy to inform her about the events of the previous night.

The only person he liked in his family was his middle cousin, Andromeda, who he had never been very close with when he still lived at home, but had spoken with more in depth on several occasions during his first year at Hogwarts. She had made him understand many things that he had not been able to comprehend about their before then, including the fact that resistance to their family was not only possible, but relatively common. At least one witch or wizard in every generation of their family tree that had resisted their family’s teachings, she had said. Her support had helped Sirius gather up the bravery he required to stand up to his mother and father, bravery that he had dearly needed to deal with their wrath after he had been sorted into Gryffindor.

Unfortunately, he knew that he was unlikely to get the chance to speak to Andromeda at Christmas dinner, as he was rarely allowed to speak at all during family dinners at all unless spoken to by an adult, a descriptor that still didn’t seem to apply to Andy, despite the fact that she was over the age of seventeen.

Therefore, Sirius approached Christmas with a feeling of dread in his stomach, as he did every year. He wished he had taken up James’ offer to spend Christmas with the Potters, but he knew that his parents might murder him if he did so, and he would have felt guilty leaving Regulus to deal with them alone. So, yet again, he found himself sitting at the dining room table in Grimmauld Place on Christmas Day, passing platters of food to his cousins on either side of him.

Upon sitting down for dinner, Andromeda had slipped her hand briefly into his own, squeezing reassuringly. He looked up to meet her grey eyes, so like his own, the dread he felt reflected in her own wide orbs. He smiled gratefully at her as she removed her hand. Later, he would wonder whether this gesture had been a small, personal goodbye, or perhaps an apology for leaving him behind.

The conversation was formal and stiff, as it always was. Sirius tuned it out for the most part, as he knew if he concentrated on what his parents were discussing with his aunt and uncle, he would become too angered too quickly. Instead, he focused on eating his food and tried not to listen to what was being said. It was only after the food had been cleared away that the conversation turned to a subject that Sirius couldn’t quite tune out.

Cygnus was telling his mother and father about Bellatrix’s betrothal to Rodolphus Lestrange, the wedding which would take place the following summer. Sirius felt sick in realizing that he would have to attend the event, but this was nothing compared to his reaction to the words that came out of his mother’s mouth next.

“Of course, Orion and I should think about who Sirius will marry soon.”

“Excuse me? I’m marrying someone, now?” Sirius said, his voice cracking from disuse, as he had not spoken all evening. Walburga Black shot him a glare for his unauthorized words and open defiance.

“Yes, you will be, someday. Though what self-respecting pureblood family will let you marry one of their daughters now is another matter.” Walburga said, throwing him a disgusted look. Before Sirius could retort, Cygnus broke back into the conversation as if Sirius had not spoken.

“You have plenty of time to find a suitable match, Walburga. Druella and I haven’t decided on Andromeda’s match as of yet, though we will have to do that soon as well.”

Sirius looked over to Andy imploringly, hoping she would speak up to defend herself like he had. He didn’t want to be alone in his indignation. To his surprise, Andy had gritted her teeth and her whole body was tensed, her eyes glaring down at the table as if she was steeling herself for something. When she spoke, and her voice was loud and forceful in a way that Sirius had never heard from her, especially not around their family. “That won’t be necessary,” she said, her eyes flicking up towards towards her parents.

It seemed to take a few moments for the adults to take in what she had said. Finally, Cygnus responded to her statement. “And what is that supposed to mean, Andromeda?” His voice was soft and careful but nevertheless contained a certain stiffness, as if he was trying to contain his anger. Andromeda looked straight into her father’s eyes, and Sirius envied her bravery in that moment.

“It means that I am an adult, and I can make my own decisions in regards to whom I marry.”

“Andy!” Narcissa exclaimed, looking up in surprise and fear at her older sister, her ice blue eyes imploring her to be silent. A cruel look had come onto Cygnus Black’s face, and he sneered at his middle daughter across the table.

“You are not an independent adult until you are married to whatever man I choose, Andromeda Black, and then your actions will still be dictated by your husband’s family customs, as well as our own.”

Andromeda held his furious gaze steadily. “I am an independent adult already, father, and I have already chosen the man I want to marry for myself.” Cygnus Black slammed his hands onto the table, making the whole thing shake.

“And who would that be?” He practically roared across the table at Andromeda, who, by some miracle, still looked calm. Sirius wondered at his cousin’s strength in that moment, when he himself felt terrified. _It’s a wonder she wasn’t put into Gryffindor,_ he thought to himself.

“His name is Ted Tonks. We are engaged.” Andromeda’s statement was met with dead silence. Druella, Andromeda’s mother had clapped her hands over her mouth, looking shocked and frightened.

“What’s his blood status?” Cygnus demanded, practically frothing at the mouth now.

“He’s Muggle-born,” Andromeda said, calmly. Druella let out a small squeak of horror from behind her hands, and Bellatrix leapt to her feet, growling in anger, and strode over to Andromeda, pulling her up with a tight grasp on her sister’s arm.

“How dare you dishonor our family?” Bellatrix growled, shaking her sister slightly. “How long has this—this disgusting dalliance been going on?”

Andromeda wrenched her arm out of her sister’s grasp, staring her down angrily. The two sisters were practically the same height, and Andromeda refused to be intimidated by her older sister. Sirius marveled at how similar they looked, yet the crazed look on Bellatrix’s face was one that Sirius knew would never mar Andromeda’s kinder features. Sirius stood, too, his chair legs scraping back on the carpet, wondering whether he should intervene on his cousin’s behalf.

“We’ve been dating since my sixth year,” Andromeda spat back at her older sister. Cygnus made a soft, threatening noise in his throat as he gazed furiously at his middle daughter. Druella uncovered her face, looking imploringly at her daughter.

“It’s not too late to end this dreadful mistake, Andromeda. You can still come back to our family; leave this Muggle behind!”

Andromeda gazed at her mother, hurt in her gaze. She paused before answering, and when she did, her words were slow, deliberate, and full of finality. “Yes, it is,” she said, looking directly at her mother. “I love him, and I’m carrying our child.”

The silence after her words was broken, literally, with the sound of glass shattering as Cygnus rose to his feet and threw his crystal goblet across the room, where it shattered on the wall above Andromeda’s head. Andromeda flinched for the first time, turning her gaze to her father in shock.

“HOW DARE YOU DISHONOR ME LIKE THIS?!” Cygnus Black roared across the table at his daughter as his wife began to cry into her napkin. Walburga stood as well, and put her hand on her brother’s shoulder, guiding him back down into his seat. Bellatrix Black turned to her sister again, fury in her gaze. She looked rather unhinged, her dark hair almost crackling with her anger, too.

“You blood traitor slut, you spit on the very name of Black!” She shrieked. With that, Andromeda exploded.

“I don’t care, Bellatrix! I don’t care what you call me; I love Ted and I’m going to marry him, the name of Black be damned! I hate everything this family stands for, and I’ve never had the courage to say so before, but now it doesn’t matter what I say, does it? I hate it all! I will love whomever I choose to love, blood status never meant a thing to me anyway!” Andromeda screamed back at her sister, matching her temper. Bellatrix snarled in fury, and drew her wand from her robes in a flourish. Shock crossed Andromeda’s face, and she took several steps back from her sister, looking from Bellatrix’s wand to her livid face. “You wouldn’t…” She said, trailing off, her eyes fearful. Bellatrix let out an insane laugh.

“Wouldn’t what, sister? You think I care about either you or the half-blood scum inside of you now?” She asked, derisively. Andromeda looked terrified for the first time in the evening, much more scared of Bellatrix’s insanity than their father’s earlier rage. Sirius was frozen in place, wanting to block Andromeda from Bellatrix’s curse but not sure if he would get there in time, especially given that his feet didn’t seem to want to move.

The next few seconds seemed to happen in slow motion. As Bellatrix raised her wand, a curse forming on her lips, Narcissa lept up from her chair and darted in front of Andromeda, her arms outstretched behind her to protect her middle sister’s rigid form. Bellatrix stared at her youngest sister, rage on her face. “How dare you, Cissy? How dare you protect this blood traitor and her half-blood child? Step away before I hurt you, too!”

“Bella, she’s our sister,” Narcissa choked out, her voice shaking as she stood there. Sirius had never seen his cousin’s rigid façade fall before, had never seen her shown even an inch of compassion, but clearly she still cared enough to risk herself for Andromeda, no matter what she had done. Andromeda stood behind her, frozen, her eyes wide in what Sirius thought must be residual shock that her older sister would go so far to curse her.

“She stopped being my blood as soon as she told me that she was marrying Mudblooded scum!” Bellatrix screeched, beside herself with rage. Narcissa’s face faltered, and Sirius knew she was only seconds away from moving away from Andromeda, exposing her to Bellatrix’s curses.

“Run, Andy,” Sirius said, his voice sounding hoarse and rather unlike his own. Andromeda turned her head to look at him, they met eyes for a split second of understanding, and then she turned and ran across the room towards the door, just disappearing down the corridor to the front door as Bellatrix screamed “ _Crucio_!” pointing her wand towards Andromeda’s fleeing form and hitting the wall instead. Sirius heard Andy’s running steps retreat down the corridor, and even as Bellatrix strode to the doorway to take aim again, the front door swung open and slammed shut, and Andromeda was gone.

Bellatrix turned to Sirius next, walking over to him, grabbing the collar of his shirt, and shaking him threateningly. “Of course the other blood traitor of the family helps my worthless sister. Tell me, why haven’t we thrown you out yet, little Gryffindor?” She taunted him, towering over his thirteen year old frame.

“Like I was going to stand here and let you commit murder,” Sirius growled at her, sounding braver than he felt. Bellatrix spat on his face then released him, moving away only enough so that she could deliver a sharp backhanded blow on his cheek moments later with almost enough force to send him to his knees, though he managed to stay standing. Sirius glanced up to see her move away, and immediately met Regulus’ scared eyes from his place at the table. Sirius looked away quickly, trying to push away the bile gathering in his throat as he thought of the look of fear in Andromeda’s eyes, so like Regulus’, just before she ran from the house.

Bellatrix strode over to Narcissa, anger still evident on her face. “And you—how could you protect her? Have you forgotten what comes with the name of Black?”

“I’m sorry,” Narcissa said, her eyes on the floor between her and her oldest sister. “I haven’t forgotten.”

“I hope not,” Bellatrix spat at her, beginning to pace around the room again. Cygnus Black rose to his feet once again, looking grave.

“Clearly Andromeda is no longer a part of our family, that much has been made clear,” he said, beckoning to his wife, Narcissa, and Bellatrix. “Excuse us, Walburga, Orion; we had better go home and deal with this betrayal within our household.”

“Of course, Cygnus,” Walburga said, bowing her head, “You shouldn’t feel responsible for Andromeda’s betrayal, however. Some children are simply born rotten, after all,” she said, throwing a disgusted look towards Sirius as she said it. Cygnus nodded gravely, and the family made their way towards the doorway together. After a moment, Sirius heard the front door open and close, just as it had minutes earlier as Andromeda fled, never to return.

As the front door swung shut, Walburga turned towards Sirius, her features suddenly contorted with fury. “How dare you interfere in my brother’s family business!” She screeched, advancing towards him, her eyes dangerous. Sirius glared back at her defiantly.

“Well, they were having a family argument in the middle of our dinner party, so I would say I was already involved,” Sirius pointed out, anger still in his voice, knowing full well that his sarcasm would cost him dearly. Sure enough, Walburga raised her wand, and Sirius was struck with the first Cruciatus Curse of his life. It was pain like he had never experienced before, and Sirius considered himself rather well versed in pain, having been struck by his mother and whipped by his father his whole life. This was like nothing he could have ever imagined up to this point, however. It was like every nerve in his body was on fire, a fire which was burning up his insides. He fell to the floor, and, when the curse was removed, stayed there, his muscles feeling leaden and immovable.

Over his head, he heard his father murmur to his mother, “Come along, Walburga, let’s retire for the evening,” then the sound of footsteps making their way up the stairs. He closed his eyes, relief washing through him as they left, thinking that he might just sleep here, as he felt as if there was no incentive he could give to make his muscles move at all. Suddenly, he heard hurried but soft footsteps making their way towards him, and he wondered vaguely if his mother had decided to come back to torture him some more.

It wasn’t her, though: it was Regulus, crouching by his head. “Sirius,” his eleven year old brother whispered, sounding terrified, “Are you alright?” The question was so ridiculous that Sirius almost laughed. He didn’t, however, as he felt if he tried, he might pass out.

“Not really,” Sirius groaned, even getting the words out feeling almost too difficult for him to manage.

“Let me help you up,” Regulus said, keeping his voice low. Sirius felt his brother’s thin arm slip under his armpit, then Regulus was attempting to prop him up. Sirius tried to help as much as he could, and soon, Sirius was draped over Regulus’ shoulder and the smaller boy was lifting him to his feet. Sirius swayed slightly once he was standing, but his legs cooperated enough for Regulus to direct him out of the room towards the staircase. The stairs were a bigger challenge, and it took Regulus more than ten minutes to get Sirius up them to his fourth floor bedroom and through the door. Regulus released him, finally, so that he flopped down, face up across his bed, exhausted. Regulus was panting heavily as he bent down to slide Sirius’ shoes off him, and then stood up to regard him, helplessly, as Sirius lay on his bed.

“What else should I do, Sirius? Should I get Kreacher?” Regulus asked, his voice high and worried.

“No, don’t get him,” Sirius said, despising the thought of the old house elf croaking insults at him while he was in this state. “I’m fine, Regulus.”

“You don’t look fine, Sirius,” Regulus said, his voice quavering. “What if—”

“I’ll be okay after I sleep. Don’t worry about me, just...could you help me get under my covers?” Sirius asked, reluctantly. He wished he didn’t have to be this helpless in front of his brother, who was clearly terrified for him, but there was no helping it; he couldn’t move by himself. Regulus shifted Sirius’ body to pull the covers out from under him and then threw them over his limp body. As if struck by a sudden idea, he grabbed the glass next to Sirius’ bed and left the room, returning moments later with it filled with cold water from the tap in the loo, and lifted it to Sirius’ lips, helping him take several long gulps.

“Let me know if you need anything else. Wake me up if you need help in the night.” Regulus said, sounding scared and helpless.

“Thanks, Reg,” Sirius murmured, feeling his eyelids drooping already, his body still full of aches from the aftermath of the curse. He heard his brother place the glass on his side table then blow out the candle and leave the room, closing the door behind him.

Sirius fell asleep immediately but his dreams were troubled, and he woke up in a cold sweat more than once in the night. The next morning, he was able to move again, but his whole body still ached, and he was still exhausted. He limped down to breakfast and stiffened to see both his parents sitting at the table eating, Regulus next to them. He sat down, saying nothing to either of them, but glanced up to meet Regulus’ eyes. Sirius nodded slightly, hoping to communicate to his brother that he was alright to make Regulus look less anxious. He ate in complete silence, then left the room swiftly to go back up to his bedroom.

As he got up to the second floor, he smelled the vague smell of burning coming from the drawing room, and ducked his head into it to investigate the source. It came from the direction of the tapestry of the Black family tree, and when he drew closer to examine it, he realized that there was a new burn mark on it, over the place where Andromeda’s name had been, between her those of her sisters. A chill went through Sirius that had nothing to do with the draftiness of the old house as he gazed at the burn mark, then over at his name beside Regulus’. It was only a matter of time, he thought, until the same fate befell him.

He left the drawing room and made his way up the remaining stairs to his room, then collapsed back onto his bed, drawing his blankets back over him. He wondered whether he should owl James and ask him if he could stay at his house for the remainder of the holidays, but decided against it. James would surely say yes, but then Sirius would have to explain why he couldn’t stay at his own home anymore, and he didn’t want to tell any of his friends what his mother had done to him the previous night. He didn’t think he could deal with their pity or their anger at the moment. He also knew that James would see right through whatever excuses Sirius could come up with, so he resolved to stay where he was. He only had another week left, after all, and hopefully his parents would continue to ignore him for the rest of it just as soundly as they had done this morning.

Upon making this decision, Sirius rolled back over and closed his eyes once again, letting go of consciousness in favor of more sleep, which his body was clearly desperate for. That afternoon, Regulus woke him, carrying a bowl of soup and bread, and forced him to eat and drink more water before letting him fall back asleep.

Sirius wasn’t quite sure, in later years, how he had gotten through the following days. They blurred together in his head in a monotony of boredom tinged with fear as he lay in his bed, staring around at the walls—but not really seeing them—and occasionally getting up to go to the bathroom. Even as Sirius began to feel back to normal again, he let Regulus bring him food up to his bedroom, avoiding the rest of the household. For some reason, his presence had not been requested at any other of the pureblood holiday parties that usually took place around this time. He wondered vaguely if Orion and Walburga just didn’t want him there, or if none of their family were going, due to Andromeda’s recent desertion. However, Sirius didn’t ask, and Regulus didn’t mention it, either.

It was only on the last day of the holidays that Walburga and Orion demanded his presence at dinner again, where they spent most of the time ignoring him and sometimes exchanging the stiff word. Sirius was full of relief as he hugged his brother goodbye the next morning, his only regret leaving Regulus all alone, once again, in this large and threatening house with his parents. Despite the guilt, he knew that this would be the last Christmas he spent at home. In future, he would stay at Hogwarts or go to James’, his parents’ rage be damned. Nothing could be worse than this.

Kreacher side-along apparated him to Kings Cross Station without a word, and the first real smile in a week split across Sirius’ face as he walked through the barrier onto Platform 9 ¾ to greet his friends again. As they all sat down in their familiar compartment on the red steam engine, James turned, grinning, to the rest of him, and asked a predictable question, “How were all of your holidays?” Remus and Peter both described seeing their families briefly, talking about the gifts they had gotten and being back in their homes. When James turned his gaze onto Sirius, Sirius shrugged noncommittally.

“It was fine, nothing special,” he said, a slight, half-smirk playing across his face accompanying his lie. The others seemed to take his statement at face value, and James began to talk about his holidays as well, Sirius only half-listening. After a moment, he felt someone’s gaze on him, and looked across the compartment to see Remus’ narrowed eyes regarding him suspiciously. Sirius quickly looked away, putting his feet up on the empty seat next to him and beginning to fiddle with the armrest. By the time he looked back up, Remus had turned his gaze away, and, to Sirius’ relief, the other boy did not ask any further questions as the train sped back towards Hogwarts.


	7. The Animagi Project

When they returned from winter holidays, James, Sirius, and Peter were determined to begin working on fulfilling their ambition to become Animagi. They weren’t quite sure where to start, as the only books they had found that mentioned Animagi in the library never went into detail about how to achieve the transformation, and the subject of human transfiguration wouldn’t be covered in class until N.E.W.T. level. Still, they were certain that if they did manage the transformation, they would be able to keep Remus company during full moons based on the research Sirius had done before the break, so they were quite determined.

“This is useless!” Sirius exclaimed one day, as the three boys sat in the library pouring over promising looking books, which all ended up only having one or two sentences on Animagi. “We’re never going to find anything practical in these.”

“You’re right,” James said, closing the book he had been squinting at for thirty minutes with a snap and leaning back in his chair, ruffling his hair frustratedly. “None of these are any help at all.”

“They probably don’t want any students trying it, since it’s supposed to be dangerous,” Peter said, leaning back from the book he had been trying to concentrate on. “If there are any books on how to become an Animagus, they’re probably either locked in the restricted section or in McGonagall’s office.”

James leaned forward, slamming the front two legs of his chair back on the floor loudly, earning them an admonitory look from Madam Pince, which he ignored as he looked from Sirius to Peter excitedly, his glasses glinting in the sun from the great windows. “That’s an idea,” he said slowly, beginning to grin.

“What’s an idea?” Peter asked, raising his eyebrows as he peered at James. Then his meaning dawned on him. “You’re not seriously suggesting that we break into McGonagall’s office, are you? Do you know how dead we’d be if she caught us?” Peter asked incredulously, a horrified look on his face.

“Oh, come on, Pete,” Sirius said, grinning, too. “This is the first brainwave we’ve had in a while. And you’re right, they would never make the information readily available to us, it is probably locked away somewhere.”

“If it makes you feel better, we can do the Restricted Section first,” James offered, smiling and lowering his voice so that Madam Pince would not hear them. “Anyway, Pete, it’s much easier than most of the stuff we get up to. I have the cloak, then we can split up and search. Piece of cake.”

“Remus won’t like it,” Peter pointed out, raising his eyebrows as he looked from James to Sirius. They both rolled their eyes.

“What Remus doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Sirius said. “Anyway, we’re doing this for him.”

“ _And_ you want to be able to turn into an animal,” James teased, laughing when Sirius shoved him. “But mostly for Remus, yes,” James amended, grinning.

“Fine, I’ll help,” Peter conceded. “But breaking into McGonagall’s office has got to be a last resort, I don’t feel like being skinned alive anytime soon.”

“I actually think Pringle catching us in the Restricted Section would be worse than McGonagall, if we’re being technical,” James pointed out, looking thoughtful. Peter groaned.

“ _That’s_ not helping,” he said, while Sirius and James exchanged amused glances. Nevertheless, Peter found himself sneaking out of the boys dormitory with James and Sirius after Remus had fallen asleep under James’ invisibility cloak. They crept down the staircase and out of the portrait hole quietly, the Fat Lady calling after them in confusion, demanding to know who was there. They didn’t answer her, however, moving as quickly towards the library as they could without being heard.

When they reached it, they noted that all the lights were out, and that Madam Pince’s desk was vacant. Smiling to each other triumphantly under the cloak, they moved forward, stepping over the rope that separated the restricted books from the rest. Peter smirked, thinking how ridiculous it was that that was the height of the security surrounding the section. Surely there had been other students, just like them, who had snuck in a time or two before. There weren’t even protective enchantments as far as Peter could see.

James drew the cloak off of them, bundling it up in his arms as he lit his wand deftly. “Okay, let’s split up and search. If any title looks likely, grab it. We can bring them back later if we need to, but the sooner we get in and out, the better.”

Peter and Sirius both nodded, lighting their wands, too, and they moved off through the shelves, scanning the spines. Every few moments, Peter looked up from his search, straining his ears to hear if someone was coming, but all he heard were his friends’ quiet footsteps and the soft rustle of their movements between the shelves. He turned back to the shelves, continuing his search. After ten whole minutes, during which Peter was feeling more and more hopeless that they would find anything, thinking that they might have to break into Professor McGonagall’s office, after all, James made a soft sound of triumph from two shelves over.

“Hey, come here! I found something,” he said in a stage whisper, and Peter hurried over to him, Sirius joining them at the same time. James was holding a thin tome in his hands, the cover dusty and old-looking. As he held it up, Peter saw the illustration on the cover, which depicted a witch, half-transfigured between her normal form and a dragon. The title read: _Animagi Transformations, A Practical Guide._

“This is it! This is exactly what we need,” Sirius said in an excited whisper, grinning down at the book. Just then, they heard a sound from the door that shouldn’t have been there, and James dropped the book with a thump as he started in surprise. It fell onto Peter’s foot, and he yelped, grabbing onto Sirius’ shoulder to steady himself, which caused Sirius to step back into a bookshelf, letting out a swear word as he knocked another couple of books to the floor. Peter cursed his reflex: for some reason, Sirius had been unusually jumpy since the holidays, and started whenever anyone even brushed against him unexpectedly. Every one of these sounds echoed in the darkness, loud in the empty library. The three boys looked at each other with wide, scared eyes, and quickly extinguished their wand lights in unison, James grabbing the book off the floor quickly before throwing the invisibility cloak back over the three of them.

As they snuck around the shelves, stepping back over the rope that separated the restricted section from the rest of the library, they noticed the shadow of a stooped man against the wall behind the shelves at the far side of the library. It was Pringle for sure, the old, vicious caretaker who took an indecent amount of joy in dolling out extreme punishments to students caught in wrongdoing. Luckily, he was looking the other way, and James, Sirius, and Peter hurried out the door, breaking into a run under the invisibility cloak once they thought they were out of earshot from the library.

They ran the whole way up to the Gryffindor common room, where James finally pulled the cloak off to give the password to the very disapproving Fat Lady portrait, who swung open to admit them nonetheless. Luckily for them, the Fat Lady never snitched on wayward students, though she often gave them tellings off almost as bad as those of Professor McGonagall.

They strode into the common room, sending each other relieved looks as they still worked to catch their breath. At first glance, the common room looked deserted, so the three boys stopped to catch away their breath.

“That was close,” James said, grinning. Peter shook his head disbelievingly, his heart still beating out of his chest. He knew that James and Sirius both loved on the thrill of doing risky things and nearly getting caught, but they just made him anxious. He wiped his brow, looking around the room absentmindedly. He froze as he saw a figure rise from a chair, his mind going blank with terror. He nudged Sirius and James, and they followed his gaze, both freezing, too. The figure turned around, and they realized it was Remus.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows at them as he moved nearer, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Fuck, Remus, you scared the shit out of us,” Sirius laughed, huffing out a sigh of relief at the sight of his friend. Remus didn’t smile, his eyebrows moving further up his forehead as he gave Sirius a stern look.

“You didn’t really think you were being stealthy, did you? I heard you leave the dormitory.”

“We tried not to wake you,” Peter said, looking at Remus guiltily.

“Oh please, one of you knocked Caspian’s empty cage over on your way out,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. Caspian was Sirius’ barn owl, who was spending the night in the Owlery. James shot an annoyed look at Sirius, who tried to look innocent. Remus narrowed his eyes at James. “What’s that you’re holding?”

“Oh, fine, you might as well know,” James said, shaking his head and holding the book out to Remus. Remus took it and looked down at the cover, then back up at them.

“Where’d you get this? I thought you said you couldn’t find any books specifically about turning into Animagi in the library.”

“Well, as it turned out, we weren’t looking in the right place,” Sirius said, smiling shiftily at Remus.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Remus said, shoving the book back towards James, who took it with a smile. “You broke into the Restricted Section?”

“It’s really not as hard as it sounds,” Sirius said cockily.

“It’s a wonder you weren’t caught,” Remus remarked, trying to keep the look of annoyance on his face though Peter could tell he was trying to suppress a grin.

“We almost were, by Pringle,” Peter admitted. “Thank Merlin for James’ invisibility cloak, or we’d be hanging from our ankles in the dungeon right now.”

“Well, let’s hope that no one realizes what book you took,” Remus said. “I expect McGonagall would be quite keen to figure out who was messing around with the Animagus transformation, since it’s so dangerous.”

“You say that almost as if you disapprove,” Sirius said, pouting at Remus. “Come on, Remus, you don’t have to pretend to be all scolding. It’s only us here.” Remus stared at Sirius for a moment, then broke into a grin, shaking his head amusedly.

“All right, I won’t pretend, then,” he said. “Come on up to bed, though. McGonagall already suspects us four for most of what goes wrong around the castle. If you look extra tired tomorrow morning, it’ll be obvious that you were out of bed.”

James, Sirius, and Peter all grinned at one another before following Remus back up the boys’ staircase to their dorm.

....

The acquisition of the book helped them considerably, and they spend the following few weeks passing it between them to read. After the three had all skimmed it, they decided that the first step was the acquisition of the ingredients for the potion that they needed to drink to start the process. Unfortunately, that meant stealing from Professor Slughorn’s private stores. This time, they devised a scheme that would occur during daylight hours, as they knew that Slughorn would have his office and store cupboard locked up tightly after curfew.

“There are so many things that could go wrong with this plan,” Remus said as they made their way down to the dungeons one Friday afternoon in February.

“You’re the one who planned it!” Sirius said, rolling his eyes at his overly anxious friend.

“I know, and it’s still extremely risky,” Remus exclaimed. “Usually it’s only your dunderheaded plans that have the potential to get us caught, but—”

“Hey, I take offense to that!” Sirius interrupted. “James is equally bad at planning as me. Anyway, you have nothing to worry about. It’s not you that’ll get caught if it goes awry. It’s Pete, or possibly James and me.”

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Remus asked Peter. Peter smiled, nodding.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be careful,” he assured his friend.

“Pete’s the best one for the job, anyway,” James insisted. “He’s sneaky, and Sirius and I are much more suited to causing a diversion.”

“So I guess I’ll just be sitting around, waiting to see if you get caught,” Remus said.

“If you wanted to have a more active role, you should have said,” Sirius said, smirking at Remus. “But you’re always the one that the professors least suspect, so you’re best where you are in the plan.”

Remus didn’t respond, but peeled off from the group, making his way over to the statue that he had promised to wait beside. James, Sirius, and Peter walked down a few more corridors before James pulled out his invisibility cloak from his bag, handing it to Peter, who slipped it on. Sirius and Peter walked together towards Slughorn’s office while James hurried past them, off to start the diversion further down the corridor.

Sirius knocked on the door, and when Slughorn appeared he immediately began to rant and rave about something he had run into down the corridor. Slughorn looked wary for a minute, but when they all heard the sounds of an explosion in the distance, reluctantly followed Sirius towards it, allowing Peter to slip, invisible, into his office. He hurried over to the potions cabinet, opening it and slipping inside, looking around for what they needed and slipping a few glass vials out of his bag, measuring out ingredients roughly and pouring them into the containers.

He had some difficulty getting to the mandrake leaves, which were on a higher shelf, but he eventually used _Wingardium leviosa_ to get the vial down, all the time conscious of his rapid heartbeat and the clock ticking on the wall behind him. Finally, he had gathered everything and he shoved the vials back into his bag, slipping out of the cupboard, closing the door carefully behind him, and dashing out of the office. When he reached the open corridor, he looked both ways, relieved to find it deserted. He figured that the distraction was still in progress, as he caught the smell of something burning from the direction that James, Sirius, and Slughorn had all went off to, and grinned to himself slightly before taking off the other way.

He ran into Remus, still standing beside the statue, trying to look casual, after only a minute. Still under the cloak, he passed the little vials to Remus, who shoved them into his bag. They had figured that if the four were all caught, Remus would be the least likely to be asked to turn over his belongings, so the ingredients would be safest with him. It seemed that there had been little need for this precaution, however, as the other two boys were thoroughly occupying Slughorn’s attention with whatever they had decided to to as a diversion. Peter had not asked what it was going to be, as it was usually better not to know.

Remus began to walk away up the corridor, keeping his walk slow and casual, and Peter followed him after a second, turning left instead of right at a split in the corridor to take the long way back to the Gryffindor common room, ensuring that if either he or Remus was caught or questioned, they were on their own. Teachers always seemed more suspicious of the four when they were together, which was funny because they were almost always in a group, and when they were without one another it was more likely that they were orchestrating some plan that involved splitting up.

When Peter reached the bottom of the Grand Staircase, he ducked into an alcove and removed the Invisibility Cloak, shoving it in his bag and making his way back up the stairs. He was far enough from the scene of the crime so that if he were spotted, he was unlikely to be detained. Even if he was, however, it was Remus who had the evidence, and he was sure to have reached the dormitory by then.

Sure enough, when Peter entered the Gryffindor common room, Remus was there, sitting at a table with a sheet of parchment in front of him and a quill in his hand, his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks open next to him. Peter immediately went over to him and sat down, giving him a small, crafty smile. “I got away easily, how about you?” He asked in a whisper. Remus smirked and nodded.

“No trouble at all. James and Sirius obviously pulled off their distraction well,” he said. “I stashed the ingredients upstairs when I got in, but I came back down here since I thought it was a good idea to be somewhere with witnesses, in case James and Sirius get caught.”

Peter laughed. “Good thinking,” he said. “Honestly, they might get caught, though I doubt they’ll get in as much trouble as I would have if they knew we were actually stealing. I heard an explosion.”

“That’s why I never ask for details,” Remus said, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. “Plausible deniability, and also I don’t want to have to deal with the ridiculousness of whatever they came up with.”

“Talking about us, were you?” Asked a voice behind them, and Remus and Peter turned to see a grinning Sirius and James. James’ face was a bit sooty, but they were both beaming with a familiar delight, which Peter recognized as their post-prank satisfaction.

“You got away alright?” Peter asked, unable to keep the note of disbelief from his voice. Sirius smirked, sitting down across from them, James at his side.

“Hardly,” he said, still looking satisfied with himself. “Jamie here decided to set off a filibuster firework, which bounced off the walls of the corridor before escaping into a classroom and blowing up all over the desks. Of course, Slughorn knew I was involved, though I think he just thought that it was a prank gone wrong, not a distraction. We both got detention, we have to clean the classroom tomorrow night. Still, it was funny.”

“It was pretty spectacular,” James said reminiscently, smirking, too. “You should have seen the mess it made. I didn’t know those fireworks could do that.”

“I see you got a bit singed in the process, too,” Remus said, grinning at James’ grubby appearance.

“Oh, yeah, it kind of blew up in my face,” James said, shrugging it off. “No missing limbs or injuries, though, so I count it as a successful mission. You got the stuff, right?” He asked, turning to Peter. Peter smiled and nodded.

“It was easy, in and out. Remus already put them upstairs.”

“Good,” James said, looking pleased. “Now we just have to figure out how in Merlin’s name we’re going to keep those leaves in our mouths for a whole month. I mean, how do we eat?”

“Oh, I’ve got that covered,” Sirius said, giving them a mischievous smile. “My family’s quite fond of putting sticking charms on things that they don’t want their descendants taking down, you know. That’s why we’ve still got that lurid painting of my great-great-great Aunt Elladora hanging in the hall; everyone hated her but she made it so that no one can ever take it down.” He looked rather amused thinking about it.

“But, uh, Sirius?” Peter said, raising his eyebrows doubtfully. “We don’t want them there forever. Just a month.”

“Oh, sticking charms aren’t all permanent,” Sirius assured him, snapping out of his reverie. “There are temporary ones, too, and I’m quite good at them, if I do say so myself, so I can fix them to the roofs of our mouths, and voila! Easy.”

James looked doubtful, too. “No offense to your spell-casting skills or anything,” he said, his tone of voice already verging on offense. “But I don’t particularly want your wand anywhere near my mouth.”

Sirius laughed. “Well, it’s that way or you don’t eat for a whole month, Jamie,” he said cheerfully. “The choice is yours.”

In the end, both James and Peter reluctantly agreed to let Sirius stick their leaves to the roofs of their mouths. Sirius “accidentally” cast the charm so that James’ lips stuck together at first, so that James was left making angry noises at Sirius for a few minutes while Sirius laughed uncontrollably. Finally he unstuck James’ lips and fixed the leaf in his mouth, doing the same for himself and Peter. The leaves tasted bad, and Peter knew that they would likely ruin the taste of food for a little while, but it was a necessary evil.

The month passed relatively quickly, and they all felt a feeling of great accomplishment when it was time to take the leaves out again to make the potion. It was exciting, the feeling that they were doing something big, something important, something advanced, and yes, something that they were not supposed to be doing. Peter was caught up in the exhilarating feeling, which James and Sirius were very vocal about, too. With their conviction in their own powers and confidence in their abilities, Peter felt rather bolstered as well. He knew that he was not as much of a natural at magic as his friends, but he also knew that they believed that he, as well as they, could do the transformation, and it was that belief that spurred him on.

Peter had felt rather out of place and confused as to why he had been included in the group when he first arrived at Hogwarts, a feeling which dogged him throughout the whole of his first year. Sirius and James were both popular and charismatic, and Remus was intelligent and crafty, but what was he? He had never viewed himself as exceptional in any way, just a boy who people’s eyes often seemed to pass right over. He was average, and he thought at first that James’ insistence that he hang around with the other boys would fade once he found other, better friends, and that it was due to the convenience of sharing the dorm. However, James and the rest of them continued to want him around, and after a while, Peter realized that they actually liked him. With them, he didn’t feel average at all. Instead, they spurred him to greater heights, helping him with his classes and including him in their exclusive little group, making feel special for the first time in his life.

Still, it wasn’t until they had all learned about Remus’ lycanthropy that Peter had felt like he was solidly part the group. It seemed to reaffirm the bond that the four young wizards shared: the secret was a pact between them which no one else was included in, not even Marlene or Dorcas. The Animagi project was just another step to make them more united, so Peter was completely on board, even if it scared him sometimes. As long as his friends were around him, Peter felt brave.

The weeks flew by as the boys worked tirelessly towards their goal, as well as going to classes, and, in James’ case, Quidditch practice. Disappointingly, Gryffindor lost to Ravenclaw by an inch in the final game as a bludger came out of nowhere just as Marlene was about to catch the Snitch, knocking her off her broom and allowing Natalie Wood, the seventh year Ravenclaw Seeker, to catch the Snitch instead. The atmosphere was dismal in the common room that night, though due to the combined talent of the Gryffindor Chasers, Ravenclaw had only beaten them by sixty points, meaning that Gryffindor would still be in second place for the cup. When the boys had gone to visit Marlene in the Hospital Wing, she didn’t seem too run down about it, or perhaps she just hid it well. She had broken her arm in the fall and had several scrapes and bruises, which she appeared rather proud of.

When summer came, Peter was sad to say goodbye to his friends as he descended from the Hogwarts Express, but happy to be reunited with his mother on the platform. She hugged him tightly, beaming down at him before they set off, walking out of Kings Cross Station towards his mother’s friend’s house, where they used their fireplace to floo home, as his mother wasn’t fond of apparition.

“Peter!” Exclaimed a little voice as he stepped out of the fireplace fifteen minutes later, and he felt his younger sister’s arms around him even before he could get his bearings. He grinned and hugged her back, lifting her up from the ground and spinning her around.

“Nora! I’ve missed you,” he said, putting his seven year old sister back down just as his brother, Jack came catapulting into the room as well, running into his older brother’s arms.

“Was everything alright when I was gone?” Peter’s mother asked, hanging up her bag on the wall as she dusted the ash off her dress.

“Yes!” Nora answered importantly, standing up straight and looking proud. “I kept an eye on Jack.”

“I don’t need anyone keeping an eye on me,” the five year old Jack insisted, looking indignant, but Nora ignored him, jumping up and down in excitement as she turned her gaze back on her older brother.

“Peter, look what I can do,” she said excitedly, turning her gaze to the potted plant on the table, which began to bloom under her gaze. Peter smiled and congratulated her, causing Nora to beam in delight and Jack to pout angrily.

“Don’t worry, Jack, you’ll be able to do stuff like that soon,” Peter reassured his younger brother. Nora smirked.

“Unless you turn out to be a Squib,” she said casually, and Peter could tell it wasn’t the first time she had teased him this way.

“I am not going to be a Squib!” Jack exclaimed, his face going red with anger. Nora laughed mockingly, causing Jack to launch himself at her so that Peter had to pull them apart. He could already tell that it was going to be a long summer.


	8. Scars and Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mentions of abuse

The first day of third year dawned bright and early on the first of September, 1973. James got up earlier even that he usually did, as he could hardly wait for his parents to bring him to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. He was unbearably excited to see his friends again and catch up with all of them. Of course, James had seen Sirius more recently than the others: Sirius had come over to stay at his house for a week in mid-July before going back to his parents. Still, it had been more than a month now since he had seen his best friend, and James always worried about Sirius when he was at Grimmauld Place. His friend had always been vague on the subject of his family life, but James didn’t like the look on his face whenever he talked about his parents. It unsettled him, not knowing and not being able to help.

James was excited to see more than just Sirius, however. Remus Lupin, though he wrote James often, never really visited over the summer, nor did he invite his friends over to his house. James never knew why, but he supposed that being secretive and self-contained was kind of Remus’ thing, even after the three other Gryffindor boys in his dormitory had learned about his “furry little problem” the previous year. Even during the second term of the previous year, when James felt like he understood his friend much better than he had ever done before they learned his secret, it was only Sirius who it seemed like ever _really_ knew what was going through Remus’ mind at any given moment. Sometimes James wondered if the two could read each other’s thoughts. It was a bit unsettling.

Peter had invited Sirius and James over to his house in Bradford while Sirius was staying with James’ parents. They had met his mother, a very nice but very frazzled witch who worked multiple jobs to support her three children, their father having died when Peter was eight. Peter’s two younger siblings, Nora and Jack, were both very sweet, and James was astounded to see the way Peter turned into a reliable, responsible older sibling at the drop of a hat when it was needed. Not that he would have expected any less of his friend, but there was a rather stark difference between this and the timid yet mischievous person he was at school. James felt as if the visit helped him understand Peter in a way that he had never done before. Still, his friend was not a very consistent correspondent, and so James hadn’t heard much from him since then.

He had, of course, seen quite a lot of Dorcas and Marlene over the summer, as always. They had played a lot of Quidditch, he and Marlene determined to keep their skills sharp for the next Quidditch season at Hogwarts. They did other things, too, like swim at the pond up the hill from his house, chase each other around the countryside, stargaze at night, and talk about nothing and everything. Still, by the end of the summer, while they were not sick of one another per se, they were definitely looking forward to having some other people to hang around with.

James whiled away the hours before he could go to King’s Cross by first eating breakfast, brushing his teeth, and getting dressed, then fussing around in his room, unpacking things from his trunk then repacking them. He ran up the hill with his broom to fly around the little enclosure above his house for a bit to help his restlessness. By the time he returned to the house, it was time to leave, and he was still beside himself with excitement, the flying not having helped much.

Euphemia and Fleamont were used to their only son’s hyperactive nature, and they only shook their heads in exasperation and affection before apparating with him to King’s Cross. He raced ahead of them towards the barrier, running through it with barely a look to either side to see if any Muggles were looking. Finally, he was back on the Platform, surrounded by other Hogwarts students who were running around, putting their things on the Hogwarts Express and greeting friends. It was noisy and chaotic, and James loved every minute of it.

The first person he saw from Gryffindor was Florence O’Connor, one of the 5th year Beaters on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, her curly red hair standing out a mile. “Hey, Florey!” He called out, grinning at her. She turned around to see who it was, caught sight of him, and practically bounced over to him in excitement.

“James!” She greeted him, giving him a hug. He tried not to look too pleased as she pulled back. “Ready to win the cup this year?”

“Completely,” James said, smirking. “Marley and I have been practicing all summer together.”

“Oh!” Florence exclaimed, in her usual abrupt way. “Did you hear that Fiona quit?”

“Quit? Why?” James asked, shocked. _Why on earth would anyone quit playing Quidditch?_ he thought to himself.

“She didn’t get enough O.W.L.s, apparently, and her parents said she needed to spend more time studying,” Florence said, shrugging but smiling in an amused sort of way. “I’m sure we’ll find someone good to replace her, though.”

“I should let my friend Emmeline know,” James said, his eyes lighting up. “She’s always wanted to be Keeper, but figured she’d have to wait for her chance until after Fiona left.”

“Well, I hope she’d better be good,” Florence said, a sparkle of laughter in her eyes. “You know Sam won’t care that she’s your friend. He’s a hardass, but he’s a good captain.”

“She’s good, alright. And I have no complaints about Sam,” James said, grinning. “I get up at the crack of dawn anyway.”

“Morning people,” Florence humphed, rolling her eyes. “Well, I gotta go find Marcus, but see you around, James!”

“Bye, Florey!” James called after her, her mass of curls already disappearing into the crowd. He laughed to himself as he turned back to look around for his parents, who were only a few steps behind him. He pushed his trolley over to them.

“Friend of yours?” Fleamont asked, a slight, amused smile playing across his face.

“She’s my teammate,” James said, grinning. “Florence; I told you about her, right? A one-woman wrecking ball, but one hell of a Beater.”

“Well, do you need help getting your things on the train?” Euphemia asked, and James allowed his parents to help him hoist his trunk up into the luggage rack before stepping back onto the platform to say goodbye to them.

“As we tell you every year, but you never listen: please try and stay out of trouble, dear,” Euphemia said after both of the Potters had hugged their son. James smiled.

“Love you, mum, dad,” was his only response. They waved goodbye, and James climbed onto the steam engine, making his way towards the compartment he and his friends always sat in for the train rides to Hogwarts. He was not surprised to see, when he looked through the glass door, that Remus was already sitting there, reading a book. Remus was usually the first to get on the train, followed by either Sirius or James, then Peter always arriving just in the nick of time.

He slid the door open and leaned in the doorway, grinning as Remus looked up to look at him. “Did you miss me?” He asked cockily, a wide grin splitting his face. Remus rolled his eyes and stood up, striding over to hug James. James saw that Remus had grown an inch or two over the summer, making him about the same height as James now. They released each other after a moment, laughing, James sitting down across from Remus next to the window.

“So, how was your summer?” James asked.

“It was good,” Remus responded, smiling pleasantly. “My parents and I took a couple of road trips around Wales and a bit of western England, seeing the sights and visiting old ruins and things. Mostly, though, I just stayed at home and read.”

“Sounds fun,” James said, not very convincingly, and Remus smirked at him. Staying at home and reading for the whole summer was definitely _not_ James’ idea of fun. Of course, he read sometimes, and he enjoyed it when he did, but he was always restless. Either he would get absorbed in a book for hours on end, or he wouldn’t be able to read for more than fifteen minutes.

“What did you do?” Remus asked James.

“Well, Sirius came over for a week in mid-July, and we went to see Pete then, but you know that,” James said. “It was fun, I wish he could have stayed for longer, but I don’t think his parents wanted him to. He was vague about the whole thing, but I don’t get the sense that he has much choice in his house.” Remus nodded, his brow furrowed in concern. 

“Anyway,” James continued. “I spent the rest of the summer just doing regular things, you know. Hung out with Dee and Marley a bunch, played a lot of Quidditch, went to see a couple of games, and just hung around the countryside. I’m glad to be going back to Hogwarts, though. I would have been bored out of my brains if the holidays were any longer.”

Remus laughed, but before he could reply, the door of the compartment slid open again to reveal Peter there, smiling at the two of them. They both looked at him in surprise. “What, surprised to see me on time?” Peter said amusedly.

“Yes,” Remus and James both said in unison, grinning at the third boy before standing up to hug him, James slapping him on the back enthusiastically.

“It’s good to see you, Pete!” James said, smiling. “I’m actually more surprised that you’re here before Sirius. You’re throwing off our whole order!”

“He’s not here yet?” Peter asked, surprised. “I figured he might have just gone to the loo or something.”

“Nope, haven’t seen him,” Remus said.

“Well, he better get here soon,” Peter said. “I’m not _that_ early, you know. The first warning whistle already sounded.” The boys all shrugged, and began to catch up with Peter on what he had done for his summer, too. When they heard the last whistle warning, however, they glanced around at each other, all of them feeling uneasy. It was unlike Sirius to be this close to missing the train, as he usually got there solidly on time, glad to finally be away from his family. Remus and James peered out of the window towards the quickly emptying platform, trying to catch sight of their friend. There was no sign of him, however, and the platform was full of only parents by this time. The train gave a lurch, and they were moving away from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.

“Has he missed it? What do you think’s kept him?” Peter asked anxiously. James and Remus looked at each other nervously, as well, as the train gathered speed, rounding the corner so that they lost sight of the platform.

“I don’t know, but I have a bad feeling,” James said, his expression dark. It was only after ten minutes of unsettled conversation before they finally saw Sirius. He slid their compartment door open, an annoyed look on his face, but smiled when he saw them.

“You all look so anxious, it can’t have been for me, can it?” He joked as he closed the door behind him. James jumped up, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Where were you, mate?” He asked after finally letting Sirius go, sitting back down but still looking troubled. “We were worried that you had missed the train.” Sirius hugged the other two boys in greeting, too, before sitting down next to James, across from Peter and Remus.

“I was earlier than usual, actually,” he said. “My mum came to see Regulus off, something she has _never_ done for me,” he said, bitterly. “Not that I care,” he added, unconvincingly.

“I forgot that your brother was starting this year,” Remus said. “Is he excited?”

“Hard to tell with Reg,” Sirius snorted, looking very annoyed. “He’s talked about it some, but whenever he’s in public he’s like my mother’s little robot, so he keeps his overt emotions to a minimum.”

“But that doesn’t explain where you’ve been,” James said, looking puzzled.

“I was with Regulus,” Sirius said obviously. “And my dear cousin Narcissa convinced him to sit in a compartment with her and her Slytherin friends, including her _boyfriend_. I spent about fifteen minutes trying to subtly convince him to leave that lot. I thought he would see how shallow and awful they all are, but then again, we spend all our time around people like that at home, so no dice. Finally, I asked him flat out if he would come sit with me in our compartment—I was tired of the looks from all those snakes—and he refused, so here I am.”

“That blows,” James said sympathetically. “If only we could show him how much better company we all are.” This elicited a slight grin from Sirius, but his face fell back into its earlier brooding state after a moment.

“So, how was your summer?” Remus asked, trying to change the subject from Regulus, as it was obviously a touchy topic for Sirius. Unfortunately, Sirius’ face only darkened further.

“Bloody awful,” Sirius said. “Other than staying with James for that one week, that is. My parents, especially my mum, seemed to be trying to reinforce all the pureblood ideals in Regulus extra hard this summer. It was like they were cramming before an exam, but the exam is the Sorting Ceremony, and they’re trying as hard as they can to make sure Reg gets Slytherin and becomes a perfect little pureblood, unlike me.”

“That’s shit,” James said, looking angry. “How’s Regulus with all of it?”

“He doesn’t say much about it to me,” Sirius said, sounding a bit regretful. “Of course, I’ve made my stance on it pretty clear, and he remains neutral. The thing is, Regulus is more loyal to the family than I am. The Sorting Hat was torn for me between Slytherin and Gryffindor, and I wanted Gryffindor, so I got Gryffindor. If that was a choice for Reg, though, I doubt he would make the same decision.”

The boys in the compartment were silent just then. Sirius had never told any of them this fact about his Sorting before. James didn’t know that you could choose which house to be in, if the hat was conflicted, but then again, it made sense: the choice might reveal who you really were, and what you really valued. It made sense for Sirius, too, then, as James would be lying if he never saw his friend be ambitious, cunning, and self-serving at times. The thing was, Sirius saw those as flaws within himself, and he wanted to be brave, to be selfless, to protect the helpless, and James knew that was who he truly was.

“It will be alright,” Remus said, looking Sirius in the eye steadily. “Whatever happens, it will be alright, Sirius. Not everyone in Slytherin goes down the wrong path. Look at your other cousin, Andromeda, right?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Sirius said, looking a little hopeful as he thought of Andy. “Andy turned out okay. Reg could, too.”

“Of course he will,” Peter said, trying to look encouraging. Sirius gave him a slight smile, and James felt a bit reassured, thinking that Sirius’ dark mood couldn’t last for the whole train ride. He resolved to change the subject to something that would brighten Sirius even more.

“Aren’t you looking forward to going into Hogsmeade this year? More freedom, and all that, _and_ Zonko’s should be amazing!” Unfortunately, James’ words, far from having the desired effect, made Sirius’ face darken once more. “What is it?” James asked, confused at how this topic could make Sirius even more moody than he already was.

“I can’t go to Hogsmeade, my parents refused to sign my form,” Sirius said, scowling. “Apparently I don’t deserve privileges like going into the village, as I would only further disgrace them with the company I keep there. Their words, not mine.”

They were all silent for a few moments, James, Remus, and Peter exchanging worried glances, out of Sirius’ view. Finally, James spoke, though he looked quite at a loss of how to make the situation better. Every one of his attempts to cheer his best friend up so far had gone amiss.

“Sirius, I’m sure that if you talked to McGonagall, or something…”

Sirius looked up at him, a sarcastic look on his face. “You really think McGonagall would let me go, James? She’s all about the rules.”

“What about Dumbledore, then?” Peter asked, looking sad and desperate. Sirius laughed.

“I don’t even know if I’d be able to get to Dumbledore to ask him about it. Have any of you ever spoken to him, except for when we get into deep trouble because of a prank? I guess I could pull something that would get me sent to his office, but I doubt that that would do me any favors when it came to getting to go into the village.”

James looked around at Remus, desperately. If anyone had a solution to this issue, it would be Remus, as he was always the mastermind behind their best laid out plans, the ones that didn’t result in them getting detention, at least. Remus was silent, however, looking at Sirius with an unreadable expression on his face. James sighed and turned back to Sirius, trying to find comforting words to reassure him.

“Sirius, I’m sure we can—”

“Oh, give it here,” Remus said, interrupting James in the middle of his sentence. All three of the other boys looked around at him, taken aback, confused looks on their faces.

“Remus, what—” Sirius began to ask, his brow furrowed. Remus rolled his eyes.

“Give me your form, Sirius; do you still have it?”

Sirius looked even more confused, but pulled out the blank form out of his back pocket and handed it over. Remus produced a quill and ink out of his bag, and leaned down to scribble on the parchment quickly. He handed it back to Sirius, and James and Peter both leaned forward to examine it with him. There, in rapidly drying ink, was the cursive signature which read ‘Orion Black.’ Remus had managed to disguise his own handwriting, so it wasn’t obviously written by him. They all looked up at Remus, who had tucked away his quill and ink by then, and was looking back at them, a slight, self-satisfied smile on his face.

“Well,” he asked impatiently after a moment. “Do you think it’s passable, Sirius?”

“I mean,” Sirius said, sounding quite dumbfounded by what had just happened, “it doesn’t look much like my father’s signature.”

“And have any of the teachers ever seen his signature before?” Remus asked, testily.

“No, I suppose not,” Sirius admitted. A few seconds passed, when they were all still shocked at what their friend had just done. Then James broke into raucous laughter, shoving Remus’ shoulder playfully.

“Way to go, Remus! Always coming through with the most brilliant ideas that don’t even occur to the rest of us,” he said, still laughing as Remus broke into a grin.

“I’m not sure they’re that brilliant, the rest of you are just slightly moronic sometimes,” he said. Sirius was still gaping at Remus as Peter and James rolled around laughing. Remus looked across at Sirius, raising his eyebrows. “Close your mouth, Sirius, you’ll catch flies,” he said, a smile in his voice. Sirius closed it, but still stared at Remus as though he’d never seen him before.

“Thank you,” he said after a moment, his voice uncharacteristically sincere, “Really, thank you, Remus.”

Remus smiled across at him, his cheeks tinged almost imperceptibly pink, “Of course, Sirius,” he said, “I couldn’t exactly leave you to mope around the castle while we all went to the village. You might get yourself killed without any of us to stop you from doing something unqualifiedly insane.”

Sirius just smiled, weakly, as James and Peter continued to go on about the genius in Remus’ stealthy rule-breaking tendencies. Looking across at Remus, who he saw was still slightly red in the face, Sirius felt incredibly grateful for his friend. Affection surged through him as he realized how much he had missed Remus. _Next time we’re on break,_ he thought, _I’ll have to talk to him about coming over to visit while I’m at James’_. Not seeing Remus for two months was rather unbearable.

That evening at the Sorting Ceremony, as Sirius had expected, Regulus was sorted into Slytherin. What was surprising yet encouraging to him was how long Regulus sat with the Sorting Hat on his head—longer than Sirius had by far—before it shouted out its decision. He wondered where the Hat was thinking about sending him other than Slytherin, but knowing his younger brother, he would likely never find out. He watched Regulus as he sat down at the cheering Slytherin table next to his cousin, Narcissa, who had a satisfied smile on her face. As if Regulus could sense Sirius’ gaze on him, he turned and met his older brother’s eyes, giving him a small, apologetic smile. Sirius smiled back genuinely. He wasn’t going to be like his family; he wasn’t going to abandon Regulus based on the house he had been sorted into.

....

Their first week of third year classes was rather chaotic, as it involved all of the Gryffindor third years having to find new classrooms and adjust to their new classes. Most of them were taking two extra classes this year, except for Dorcas, Lily, and James, who had selected three electives apiece. Each of them were excited about their different classes, though they were rather overwhelmed by the new materials nonetheless.

Still, it wasn’t any of the new classes that resulted in the most interesting thing that had happened that week. Instead, it was Professor Underwood, that year’s new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, who brought the most commotion to their first week of classes.

The Gryffindors had D.A.D.A. during the period before lunch on Tuesday, and they were all grumbling at the fact that they still had to take it with the Slytherins as they entered the classroom. Professor Underwood, a short, rather funny looking man with a prominent chin, was already seated at his desk when they arrived. He waited for the whole class to arrive and sit down before he stood up from his desk and addressed them.

“You needn’t take out your books and notes for this class,” he started, his voice rather high and squeaky. “We will be having our first lesson as a practical Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. It is customary to begin third year instruction for Defense with a lesson on boggarts. Can anyone here tell me what a boggart is?”

Both Lily and Dorcas raised their hands into the air first, and Professor Underwood pointed to Dorcas. “A boggart is a shapeshifter that takes the form of whatever scares the person facing it the most,” she said promptly, and Professor Underwood nodded, giving her a small smile.

“Correct, five points to Gryffindor,” he said, and Dorcas beamed happily. “Yes, a boggart takes the form of our worst fears. This means that the only way to defeat a boggart is to overcome this fear by transforming it into something amusing. There is also an advantage to being in a larger group when facing a boggart, as it can become confused, not knowing whose worst fear to transform into. That is why it is always best to have company when dealing with a boggart. If a wizard gets cocky and thinks they can deal with one on their own, it can sometimes result in extreme cases where the boggart literally scares them to death before it can be banished.”

The class seemed to collectively inhale a sharp breath, staring at Professor Underwood in horror. He merely smiled at them. “Not to worry, there is a simple spell that is used to banish a boggart. The incantation is _Riddikulus_ , and when you cast it, you must imagine a way to make your fear amusing as it appears in front of you. Then, the real way to kill a boggart is with laughter, which will cause it to explode.”

Emmeline raised her hand, and Professor Underwood nodded to her. “Professor, what does a boggart look like when it’s not transformed into someone’s fear?”

Professor Underwood smiled, looking pleased at her question. “Excellent question! The truth is that no known person has ever seen a boggart in its natural state, and we do not even know if it has a natural state. Academics have proposed that if someone were to use some kind of x-ray vision to view a boggart from far away, they might be able to catch a glimpse of it untransformed, but as far as I know, this theory has never been tested.”

Professor Underwood paused for a moment, looking around the classroom for other questions, but when no one else raised their hands, he clapped his hands together. “Well, as I said, this is a practical lesson, and so I have a boggart here for us to practice the spell on!” He retreated behind his desk and grabbed something, walking out from behind it carrying a briefcase, which he set down on the floor on its side. “You see, boggarts prefer dark, enclosed spaces, which is why this briefcase is ideal for containing it for practice. Now, I want you all to think for a moment and try to conjure up an idea of what scares you most, then think of how to make it amusing.”

There was silence in the classroom as everyone searched their mind, many faces screwed up in concentration as they thought. Remus didn’t have to search long to find his answer. He was terrified of himself, the monster he became every month. Still, perhaps that wasn’t it. Maybe he was afraid of the moon instead, which had the power to strip him of control and make him into that monster. He wasn’t sure which one was his greatest fear, but he knew that he shouldn’t risk the possibility of either appearing in a classroom in front of his classmates. If the werewolf version of himself appeared, he could explain that away easily enough. People would believe that his greatest fear was werewolves. If the full moon appeared, however...whose biggest fear was the full moon, other than a werewolf?

“What do you think yours will be?” Remus heard James whisper to Sirius, behind him.

“I have literally no idea,” Sirius murmured back, leaning back in his chair casually. “I figure I’ll just wing it.”

James murmured in agreement, and soon Professor Underwood was beckoning them to stand up and using his wand to move the desks away so that there was a clear area for them to practice. They lined up, the four boys ending up, much to James’ and Sirius’ disappointment, near the back, though Remus was grateful for it. He was hoping that class time would run out before he had to face the boggart.

During the next fifteen minutes, they watched as their classmates faced up with their worst fears one by one. They were various: some mundane, some magical. Dorcas faced up with a chimera, Marlene a giant scorpion, Mary an immense, crackling fire. Lily’s Boggart managed to transform so it seemed like she was standing on the edge of an immense cliff, and she screamed before managing to transform it into a large trampoline. She explained sheepishly, later, that she was deathly afraid of heights. Finally, the Gryffindor boys were at the front of the line, and Remus was starting to feel anxious. What if he actually had to face it?

It was Peter’s turn first, and a set of writhing snakes appeared before him, and he struggled, his face red at first, before casting the spell to turn them into severed ropes, which fell lifeless to the ground. James was next, and he stepped forward confidently, his wand outstretched, but he was not prepared for what came next. On the floor in front of him appeared two dead bodies. One was a woman whose bronze skin very nearly matched James’, her eyes closed and a trickle of blood running from her hairline to her jaw. The other was a tall man with pale, lined skin, his hazel eyes wide and empty.

Dorcas clapped her hands over her mouth, staring at James in horror, and Marlene went white. James only stood stock still, staring at them, the expression on his face frozen. From their resemblance to James, Remus guessed that they were his parents, though he had never met them. The whole class seemed to be holding its breath as everyone’s gaze was fixed on James, waiting to see what he would do.

After a long moment where James just stared at the two bodies, he raised his wand again, and practically whispered the incantation. The bodies transformed into two fashion dummies, lying abandoned on the ground, their limbs at ridiculous angles. No one laughed, however. It wasn’t funny, not while they were all remembering what the dummies had just been. James didn’t speak, just stared at them, then blinked a few times and moved, silently, over to the rest of the students who had already cast the spell. Remus saw Dorcas envelop him into a hug, Marlene rubbing his back comfortingly. Only once James turned back around to watch did Sirius step forward, and the dummies on the ground disappeared with a loud crack.

In their place was another person, but this woman—with her tall frame and proud, haughty face—was very much alive. She was dressed in long, formal robes with a high collar, and her dark brown hair was done up in a tight bun. It wasn’t the look of hatred and madness on her face, nor her drawn wand, which made Remus stop in his tracks, however: it was the high cheekbones and grey eyes which he knew so well. He glanced at Sirius to confirm his resemblance to the woman, and was shocked to see that Sirius’ grey eyes, identical to those of woman standing in front of him, were full of a blank terror Remus had never seen in them before. 

Sirius’ mother raised her wand, her mouth forming a wild, deadly smile as she gazed down at her son, ready to perform a curse. Remus looked frantically from Sirius to his mother, forgetting in that moment that she couldn’t actually cast the curse, forgetting everything. Sirius didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t lift his wand. He seemed to become smaller, hunching almost imperceptibly. Remus knew then that Sirius didn’t have it in him to move, to cast a spell, or to even lift his wand.

It was the look on Sirius’ face, the complete submission to his fate, which made Remus step in front of his friend. He forgot his earlier caution, his fear of his classmates seeing his boggart; it all went out of his mind when he saw Sirius’ face. As he stepped in front of Sirius, the form of Walburga Black disappeared, replaced by a full moon hanging in the classroom at Remus’ eye level. He thought of the first thing that came to mind, raised his wand, and cried, “ _Riddikulus!_ ” The full moon fell to the ground as a ball, which bounced several times before rolling off into a corner. 

Remus let out a slight, mirthless laugh, which was echoed after a moment by Professor Underwood, and some of their classmates. It wasn’t true laughter, not really, but as there had been several chuckles before in the process of getting rid of other students’ boggarts, it did the trick. The ball in the corner disappeared into many tiny wisps of smoke, and was gone. There was silence in the classroom, and Remus turned to look at Sirius, who was still staring ahead of him, his face frozen.

When the bell rang a moment later, Professor Underwood dismissed the class, and everyone gathered up their bags and leaving, everyone except Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Dorcas, and Marlene. James, though obviously still shaken from his own boggart, walked over to Sirius and put a hand on his shoulder. After a second, Sirius broke out of his stupor, looking at James. “Come on, mate,” James said, his voice sounding tired but strong. “Let’s get out of here. Get some lunch.”

They gathered up their things and left the classroom in silence, all descending the staircase to lunch. It wasn’t until they had sat down at the Gryffindor table, Dorcas and Marlene alongside them—obviously figuring that their need was greater than the other Gryffindor girls’— that someone spoke.

“Was that your mum, Sirius?” Peter piped up, his voice small and scared, as if he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be asking the question at all. Sirius looked up from his empty plate and met Peter’s gaze, nodding slightly but saying nothing. James sighed, and then began to pile food onto his friend’s plate. When he was finished, he handed him his fork and knife, raising his eyebrows at him insistently, and Sirius took them, beginning to eat automatically. Dorcas attempted to make some small talk during lunch, trying to cheer people up, which worked to a certain degree, though not fully. 

When they finished lunch and walked together to their next class, Charms, Dorcas asked Remus lightly: “Your boggart looked a bit like a crystal ball. What’s that about?”

Remus had barely given a thought to the fact that the whole class had seen his boggart turn into the full moon since the class ended, his mind so occupied with Sirius’ predicament. Still, he was very relieved to hear that it hadn’t been obvious that it was the moon. He let out a forced laugh. “Well, I guess we’re all afraid of the future, aren’t we?”

Dorcas smiled in return, and let the subject drop.

....

It wasn’t until the afternoon when they finally got the opportunity to Sirius about what happened in Defense Against the Dark Arts, as they had Charms and double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs after lunch. At least the Hufflepuffs hadn’t been witness to what had happened, as Remus guessed that the Slytherins were likely to be gossipping about it already. He wondered if it would get back to Sirius’ younger brother, Regulus, in Slytherin. He guessed there was nothing any of them could do about it if it did.

After Herbology, the Gryffindor third years headed back to Gryffindor tower in a pack, and the girls and boys went up their separate staircases, eager to change their clothes and wash the earth off of their faces and arms. Once they had changed, Remus glanced over at James, who had sat on the side of his bed, his head in his hands.

“Hey, James,” Remus said, going over to put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You alright, mate?”

James sighed and looked up at Remus, his face flushed. “I honestly don’t know,” he admitted, shaking his head. “Seeing my parents like that...I don’t know how to get over that.”

“I’m not sure if there’s an easy way to get over it,” Remus said, rubbing his shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way. “At least you know it wasn’t real.”

“Yeah,” James said, nodding and exhaling a deep breath. “Yeah, it wasn’t real.” He said it as if he was trying to convince himself, and was silent for several moments. “But it’s not me I want to talk about right now,” he said finally, lifting his gaze to look to the other side of the room, where Sirius was standing, fidgeting with his shirt collar, a preoccupied look on his face.

When Sirius noticed James, Sirius, and Peter all looking at him his hands fell to his sides, a defensive look onto his face. “What?”

“You know what,” James said, his voice sounding tired as he stared at his best friend, concern apparent on his face. Sirius looked back at him in silence for a moment, but when he finally opened his mouth to speak he was interrupted by a knock on the door. They all turned in surprise to see the door open, revealing Dorcas and Marlene.

“We wanted to see if you guys were okay,” Dorcas said, raising her eyebrows as she took in the scene before going over to sit down beside James on his four-poster bed. Marlene closed the door behind her before making her way into the room, crossing her arms and looking from James to Sirius.

“Getting right down to it, are we?” She asked, her eyes flicking between the two boys, taking in their serious expressions.

“I’m not sure why we have to talk about this,” Sirius said, avoiding all of their gazes and looking annoyed as he fidgeted with his sleeve. “I’m not asking any of you about your boggarts, am I?”

“Well, if you want to know, I turned over a rock in the field behind Dorcas’ house when I was four, found a nest of scorpions, and got stung multiple times,” Marlene said frankly. “And Dorcas had nightmares about chimeras for weeks after her father read us a children’s book about them when we were six.”

Sirius glared at her and Marlene gave him an innocent smile, continuing on doggedly. “I don’t think that’s really the point, though,” she said, the smile fading from her face. “The point is that...well, we’re are here staring at you strangely right now because none of us are sure how to say that we’re concerned about you, because while I think that lesson was difficult for all of us in different ways, the fact that your biggest fear is your _mother_ is both shocking and worrying for us and we want to make sure that you’re alright.” Marlene said all of this rather quickly, all the time gazing at Sirius with an uncharacteristically serious look in her eyes, her eyes searching his face.

Sirius continued to glare at her as she said it, but rolled his eyes when he finished. “Well, that seemed rather easy for you to say,” he remarked. He sighed, looking around at all of them briefly before looking up at the ceiling, shaking his head. His hands were clenched into fists, his movements restless. He seemed like he was steeling himself for something. When he looked back down, he met Remus’ eyes first, holding the eye contact for a few seconds, as if he was trying to draw strength from Remus’ gaze. He sighed again, turning his gaze to Dorcas, James, and Marlene, who were still staring at him from next to James’ bed.

“Well, I guess there’s not much point in lying to you lot,” he said. “You already know that my family isn’t the best from how I talk about them, and you’ve had the decency not to ask for details until now, and I’m sure you’ve all been curious.”

“It didn’t seem right to ask,” James said, shrugging. “Not until now, at least.”

“I didn’t want you to ask,” Sirius said honestly. “I didn’t want to have to answer, or see the looks on your faces when I did. But I guess the jig is up now, so you might as well know.”

Pausing for a second, he took a deep breath, then, in one swift movement, pulled his shirt over his head, turning his back to the group. For a moment, Remus was extremely confused. His brain seemed to go blank for a second as he saw Sirius’ exposed skin, then he focused, and saw what he was used to looking for only on his own skin: the crisscrossing of many thin, white scars. They covered Sirius’ back, some thick and some thin, numerous in some areas and faint and far inbetween in others. The most prominent one stretched up from Sirius spine to his left shoulder, raised and still slightly pink against his pale skin.

Remus was used to seeing scars on himself: they littered his body, souvenirs from old full moons. Most were faint, some scratches, some bite marks. He was not used to seeing scars on other people, however, and had never noticed them on Sirius. Of course, it wasn’t as if he watched his friend change, but he realized then that Sirius, like Remus himself, had always taken care to change his clothes behind his bed or with his four poster curtains closed, shielded from view at least partially. Still, Remus had never imagined that Sirius did it for the same reason that he did.

Bile rose in his throat as he watched Sirius pull his shirt over his head again, turning back to them, not quite able to look any of them in the eyes. His eyes fixed on one of the corners of James’ four poster bed as he spoke, addressing his next words to it. “As long as I can remember, my parents have enforced the rules in our house physically. If I do something I shouldn’t—speak out of turn, challenge my parents, make a mess, get into books or heirlooms that I’m not supposed to touch—my father uses his belt on me.”

There was a long silence. Remus felt sick as he stared at Sirius, imagining someone doing that to him as a child. Not even as a child...the most prominent scar looked relatively new, and Sirius hadn’t used the past tense when he spoke about his punishments.

“But it was your mother who was the boggart,” James said, staring at his friend in utter horror, sounding as if every word had been dragged out of him without his consent.

“My mother is the crazy one, even if it is my father who is usually the enforcer,” Sirius said, looking up to meet James’ eyes briefly before looking down at the ground. “My father’s violent, but controlled. If my mother catches me doing something wrong, she’ll scream at me for hours, and throw me around the room for good measure, even if all I did was leave my clothes on the floor. This,” he said, lifting his shirt again to show a thin scar under the right side of his ribcage, “is from when she threw me against the corner of an antique coffee table in my cousin’s house after I knocked over a vase of flowers. It made a deep cut, and wouldn’t stop bleeding for hours, even after Kreacher—our house elf—put on two layers of dittany.”

“Merlin, Sirius,” Marlene said, her eyes wide and her hands lowering from where they were covering her mouth in shock. “I—fuck, I don’t know what to say.”

Sirius looked at her with steely grey eyes, seeing her but not seeing her, as he continued. “I guess my boggart is my mother because I’m scared of what she’ll do to me when the time comes that my father doesn’t hold her back.” This part was a lie, of course. Sirius already knew what Walburga would do to him when Orion didn’t bother to hold her back, and it wasn’t pretty. No, he wasn’t scared of the prospect of what she could do to him when unrestrained; he was scared of the curse itself, which caused so much pain it verged on madness. He sometimes woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares about it, his body aching as though it had been real. 

The first time Walburga Black had struck him with the Cruciatus Curse had not been the last; he had suffered it twice more during the summer, but he wasn’t about to tell his friends any of that. The looks of horror on his friend’s faces now were already bad enough...he couldn’t deal with their reactions to the news that he had been crucified by his mother before. It wasn’t as if they would be able to do anything about it, anyway. They would only encourage him to speak to a professor, or perhaps Dorcas would tell her Auror mother to step in. Still, the Ministry would never send Aurors into the house of a family as prestigious as the Blacks, and even if they did, Sirius wasn’t sure that was what he wanted.

The only thing that Sirius clung to when he was dealing with his parents was the pretense that nothing they did could affect him, not anymore. He didn’t flinch when his father’s belt struck his back, he didn’t cry out when his mother hit him. When she used the Cruciatus Curse on him it was rather different, he had not yet been able to stop himself from crying out in pain with that particular tactic, but at least he was now able to get back on his feet and still glare at her after the fact. His spirit, he told himself, would not break, and he didn’t want to give his mother the satisfaction of knowing how much he feared her.

“What can I do, Sirius?” James asked finally, after the silence stretched too long. “Please let me help. I know that my parents would take you in in a heartbeat if you wanted to live with me during breaks.”

Sirius sighed and met his best friend’s desperate hazel eyes, shaking his head. “No, James, I can’t, I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve survived thirteen years. Hell, I didn’t even know it wasn’t normal until I was about nine. Anyway, if I leave I’ll be disowned, and I won’t be able to protect my brother from it all anymore.”

“Regulus...is he—do they do this to him, too?” Peter asked, looking sickened by the thought. Remus, too, felt a wave of illness overtake him, too, at the thought of the small eleven-year old boy who he had seen in the corridors, and looked so much like Sirius. He was so young. Then again, so was Sirius, and according to him, this had been happening to him ever since he had been a small child.

“Like I said, I protect him,” Sirius said shortly, looking down at the ground again.

“I’m so sorry, Sirius,” Remus said finally. Sirius nodded at the floor, not meeting Remus’ gaze. He didn’t know why, but he especially didn’t want to see Remus’ pity. He knew that Remus had always hated to see him leave for the holidays after what he had heard Sirius say about his family; he had always acted protectively around Sirius in these moments. Still, he didn’t want Remus to see him as some kind of kicked dog, someone broken and twisted irrevocably by his traumas.

It was Dorcas who ended up asking Sirius if she could hug him, and, once he nodded, wrapped her arms around him gently. Her hair smelled like something sweet, perhaps honey or vanilla, and that day’s pair of her strange earrings, which were in the shape of chess pieces, rubbed against his cheek as she hugged him. He was glad for her comfort, and her warmth, which made his body feel less strange and numb. Before pulling back, she whispered in his ear, “If you ever need anything, want me to do anything to help you, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. All you have to do is ask. Please know that.”

He nodded to her as she drew back from him, and managed a smile. “I know you all want to help,” he said, addressing the whole group now. “But please don’t say anything, not unless I ask you to. Please.”

They all agreed in the end, some more reluctantly than others, and Sirius was grateful. The day had shaken all of them, and they ended up laying on the floor of the boys’ dormitory, telling each other stories about their lives. Sirius shared some other things about his childhood, too, which he had never done before. His friends stared at him in surprise and admiration as he told them about sneaking out of his home to explore Muggle London, about reading books from the local library, going to parks, and learning about the world outside his little bubble. He met their surprised stares with a grin.

“What, you thought I was just born knowing that the stuff my parents told me was wrong? That’s not something you can just _know_ is wrong, not if you grew up with it being drilled into you as me and Reg did,” he said, thinking of his brother among the Slytherins sadly. “You have to unlearn it; you need to have a source of information that contradicts what you’ve believed all of your life. Otherwise, you’re stuck believing the wrong thing for your whole life. I’m not exceptional, I just happened upon the information and changed my views accordingly.”

“You did a bit more than happen upon the information, mate,” James said, smiling at him. “You were brave enough to go out there and get it, to demand the truth.” Sirius merely smiled.

They went down to dinner together that evening, then retired to the common room afterwards to do some of their schoolwork that they had neglected in the afternoon. When the darkness deepened outside the windows so that they could no longer make out the grounds, Sirius finally packed up his things and went to get ready for bed in the dormitory. Remus, who had gone up to bed earlier, was lying in his bed reading a book, but he looked up when Sirius entered. Sirius shot him a cautious smile before changing into his pyjamas and going into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he came back into the dormitory, Remus hoisted himself out of bed and stood up, his eyes on Sirius. Sirius looked at him, rather confused, unsure of what was Remus was doing. Remus, for his part, wasn’t quite sure himself.

“I want to show you something,” he said abruptly, gazing at Sirius rather awkwardly. Sirius raised his eyebrows questioningly, but made his way over to Remus, stopping a couple of feet away from his bed. Remus glanced behind Sirius to make sure the door was closed, and then pulled his shirt over his head, just as Sirius had done, hours earlier, in front of the three boys as well as Dorcas and Marlene.

The first thing Sirius registered was how thin Remus was. Sure, the other boy was a bit taller than Sirius, but both James and Sirius were stockier than Remus, who was rather lanky. Even with his thinness, Remus was far from frail, and Sirius thought that he looked strong, but perhaps this also stemmed from the fact that he knew Remus could take any of the other boys in a fight if he wanted to (which he usually didn’t). After noticing all these things, however, Sirius realized that this was not what Remus had taken off his shirt to show him. It took him a moment to focus on the other boy’s skin, which, like Sirius’, was painted with scars. Sirius’ eyes widened as his eyes traced down Remus’ form, taking in the scratches and bite marks scattered across the exposed skin like a map of memories.

He looked up to meet Remus’ eyes, and saw the raw vulnerability he had been feeling hours ago reflected back at him in their blue depths. Remus took a deep breath, and opened his mouth to speak. “I know it’s not the same,” he started, still staring in Sirius’ grey eyes. “But the first thing I thought when I saw your back was that I wasn’t used to seeing that many scars on someone other than me, wasn’t used to having to look for them on anyone else’s skin but my own. I don’t know why, but in some small way, seeing them on you made me feel less alone. And so I thought that maybe, if I showed you mine...it might make some small part of you feel less alone, too. Because you aren’t. Alone, I mean. You’ll always have me, and all of us.”

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say, he just stared at Remus in awe. He felt as if he was seeing this other boy for the first time, and Remus was right: he saw a part of himself in the other boy’s scarred body. The scars weren’t just scars, they were a symbol of the pain they had both endured, in one form or another. And, yes, it did make Sirius feel less alone, but it was more than that. Perhaps this was the reason that he had always felt like Remus could read him like a book in a way that no one else could; perhaps it was the shared pain that they recognized in each other that made them uniquely suited to understand and comfort one another.

Now, when Sirius looked into Remus’ eyes, he didn’t see pity there, only understanding. After several moments of them just staring at one another, Remus began to flush, the heat creeping down his neck to his chest. Before he could move to put his shirt back on, however, Sirius stepped forward and hugged him. They stayed like that, holding each other, Remus’ bare chest against Sirius’ t-shirt, until they heard footsteps outside the door, and Remus hastily pulled away to put on his shirt again, flushing slightly as James and Peter stepped into the room, talking cheerfully. As they moved away from each other, however, Sirius gave Remus a grateful smile and said, “Thank you.” Remus smiled back, and Sirius knew he understood. Neither of them would ever be alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy coming out day!


	9. Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: some internalized homophobia

It became abundantly clear by the middle of Dorcas’ third year at Hogwarts that puberty had reached every third year to some extent. For the boys, it was only the beginning, as they began to slowly get taller and look more their age. For most of the girls, however, it had accelerated from the slow and steady pace that it had been at before to a rapidity that caught them all off guard. 

Some developments they were pleased with, feeling very “adult” as they grew taller, began to have more curves, and got their periods (which they all soon learned were not as exciting as they had earlier believed, despite Marlene’s warnings). Emmeline Vance’s hair had darkened and developed a pronounced wave, and Marlene’s blonde hair began to frizz and curl, as well.

Other things were much less exciting: namely the pimples that had decided to set up shop on all of their faces. Mary got the worst of it, and she lamented the painful red cysts that had formed on her cheeks and forehead. Still, all of the girls in the dormitory had to deal with it on different levels, and each of them hated their spots with a fiery passion, though they found solace in their collective struggle.

Another unpleasant side-effect of their maturation was that both the girls’ and the boys’ emotions were on edge more often than not, both their tempers and tears closer to the surface than ever before. Some dealt with it better than others. Much to the Gryffindor third years’ chagrin, however, Sirius and Lily, who had the hottest tempers out of any of the rest of the group, had started taking out their anger on one another. Dorcas, who was the only person who was relatively close friends with both, was exasperated and perplexed with the situation. She had absolutely no idea how to intervene, or if she even dared to.

It had all started in early December, with what both Lily and Sirius would affectionately refer to as ‘The Slime Incident’ in later years. Sirius had planned what he thought was a very amusing prank, where a bucket of lime green slime would be overturned on the head of a random person entering the library on one Friday afternoon. 

Unfortunately, it had been Lily who ended up covered from head to foot in the goo when she went in to get a book after her Ancient Runes class, and, quickly deducing that Sirius was behind it, strode over to him and began to scream as he laughed. Of course, he promptly stopped laughing when she hit him with a stinging jinx. 

His prank, along with her jinx and the disruption of the quiet library, had landed them in a double detention together, where they had presumably proceeded to thoroughly verbally abuse one another for two hours. Ever since then, the two had been at each other’s throats, exchanging passive aggressive comments in classes as well as having shouting matches in the corridors and common room whenever they were particularly pissed off.

James, who Dorcas knew Lily disliked, but with not quite the same fervor as she did Sirius, seemed wearied by the whole thing. Of course, he agreed with Sirius that Lily needed to remove the stick that was lodged up her arse, but he also wished that his best friend would just leave her alone so that the two could go back to being troublemakers without her interference. Dorcas knew that he had made this point several times to Sirius, but Sirius was like a dog with a bone with Lily: he didn’t back down from a challenge, and he refused to let her have the last word. Marlene was no help at all, as her opinion of Lily hadn’t improved much from first year, and she enjoyed watching Sirius take Lily down a peg at times.

Lily was quite impossible to reason with, as well. She insisted that he always started it, which was perhaps _technically_ true, but it was also a fact that Lily used the mildest excuses to snipe at Sirius, so in Dorcas’ opinion, her friend was not innocent in any sense of the word. If Dorcas attempted to point out Sirius’ good qualities, suggesting that the two were similar in some ways and perhaps they could find some common ground, Lily would only go off on a rant, and therefore Dorcas gave up quickly. It was tiring to listen to them argue all the time, but soon all of the Gryffindor third years got used to it and it faded into the background. Dorcas, for one, had bigger things on her mind.

When she was not hauling herself from class to class, working through her coursework, and trying to keep Sirius and Lily from killing one another, Dorcas’ head was a haze of confusing thoughts, her heart full of perplexing feelings. Now, Dorcas considered herself a rather smart witch. She was one of the best in her year, and excelled in all of her subjects. She was organized, efficient, and thoughtful in her work. There was rarely a problem that she couldn’t eventually find a solution to.

Nevertheless, Dorcas thought she had found such a problem now, one that no amount of intellect and organization would fix. With all the changes that she and her classmates were going through as they entered their early teens, she was surrounded with young witches and wizards succumbing to their first flutters of attraction towards one another. Crushes were popping up left and right, and now that they were all old enough to recognize them for what they were, some students even started “dating,” a term which loosely meant talking to each other a couple of times blushingly, perhaps holding hands in the corridors, and sharing their first fumbling, closed-lip kisses. Indeed, James was currently “dating” Sarah Flemming, a cute Hufflepuff girl with a round, friendly face and baby blue eyes, who wore her hair in two blonde pigtails.

But none of this was what was bothering Dorcas. She didn’t care about her friends’ crushes, the way that the girls in her dormitory had started to talk about boys, or the silly little notes that Sarah Flemming passed James in Charms with hearts on them. No, she was happy for her friends, but she was also troubled, because she found that there was a new barrier separating her and the rest of them. This wall had to do with the fact that the new interest Dorcas had in some of her peers was not in boys, but in girls. Dorcas had tried, she had _really_ tried, to find out what made her roommates so interested in boys these das. She had studied them, trying to single out their attractive qualities, but it would always end with her getting bored, or observing them doing something disgusting like picking their nose or burping loudly, and then she would wrinkle her nose, looking away.

At first Dorcas had thought she was just a late bloomer. One day in February when they were walking around the grounds together, Mary had admitted to Dorcas that she wasn’t quite sure what all the fuss was about, herself, but that she supposed she would figure it out eventually. Dorcas thought she must be the same until the day that she had become inexplicably fascinated with the way that Iris Liu’s long, shiny black hair reflected the firelight as they were tending to salamanders in Care of Magical Creatures, her dark eyes twinkling mesmerizingly. Dorcas’ stomach had given a slight lurch, her breath catching as Iris tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, and Dorcas _knew_ what that meant, even if she didn’t want to know it.

Dorcas tried not to think about it, that moment when her brain had lost all rational thought at the sight of Iris tucking her hair behind her ear. She absorbed herself in her studies, but when she wasn’t studying, when she was lying awake at night, she thought about the other girl’s silky skin and soft, dark hair, her laugh, and her look of concentration as she bent over the fire in Care of Magical Creatures, prodding it with a stick to keep it from going out. Iris was a very nice girl, Dorcas reasoned. She was a Hufflepuff who came from a wizarding family, but was nothing but accepting of others’ blood statuses. She was funny and non-judgemental, and for a short time, Dorcas tried to convince herself that she just admired the other girl. She gave that up quickly, however, as her thoughts continued to stray towards Iris at inopportune moments. It was a useless pretense, and Dorcas refused to lie to herself. 

After more thinking, she realized that she did indeed _like_ Iris a bit; she couldn’t deny it. Still, it was only a slight crush, and she thought that maybe it would go away if she just avoided the other girl. Guilt in her heart, she partnered with Hestia instead in their next Care of Magical Creatures lesson, hoping that she wouldn’t offend the Iris, but needing to keep her distance from her. The strategy worked, at least in part. She stopped thinking of Iris so much over the next few weeks, and began to feel less anxious over the whole issue, better able to concentrate on her schoolwork and her friends. Still, the thought of boys didn’t make her swoon, either.

Dorcas had noticed recently, due to Hestia Jones’ hints, that Peter Pettigrew seemed to have a bit of a crush on her. The Latina girl had nudged her one day in Charms, stifling a giggle, and whispered in her ear: “You have an admirer.” Dorcas had followed Hestia’s gaze over to where Peter was sitting alongside James. The small, mousy boy blushed, caught in the act of staring at Dorcas, and turned his gaze back to the front of the class, his ears slightly red. Dorcas looked at Hestia in dismay.

“You think Peter has a crush on me?”

“Of course!” The other girl exclaimed, sounding surprised, as if Dorcas should have known that already. “Haven’t you seen him looking at you these last couple of weeks?” Dorcas shook her head. She had been utterly clueless about this, too busy with her own confused thoughts and feelings to notice. “Well, he has been staring at you an awful lot,” Hestia explained. “It’s okay, you know, if you don’t feel the same way. Peter’s nice, but I’m sure he’ll get over it if you don’t encourage him.”

“He _is_ nice,” Dorcas agreed. “But I just think of him as a friend.”

She was a bit flattered by the attention, but she had never even _contemplated_ thinking about Peter in that way before. He was sweet, and a good friend to James, Sirius, and Remus, but that was the extent of her thoughts about him. 

Later, Dorcas gazed at her own reflection in the mirror of the girl’s dormitory that evening, studying her own features. She had come up with the hypothesis that Peter liked her for a few reasons: she knew that she was pretty, she had been told that enough by her parents, relatives, and friends. She had soft brown skin with a few freckles across her nose and cheeks, dark brown eyes, high cheekbones, and tightly curled brown hair which she had grown out over the years so it fell just past her shoulders now. Dorcas did not have any siblings, and neither did either of her parents, Thomas and Diana Meadowes, and she was therefore adored by each set of grandparents, the heir to all of their love. Between all of them, she had no shortage of people who continually praised her looks, and therefore she was not insecure about them.

The second reason that Dorcas supposed Peter liked her was the fact that Dorcas was outgoing, popular, and confident. She knew many people, had lots of friends, and was nice to almost everyone, except those who hurt the people that she loved. Her nature as a social butterfly was very similar to James, but she was missing his natural affinity for mischief making.

The third and final reason she supposed that Peter liked her was a simple matter of proximity: she was around often. Both she and Marlene hung out in the Gryffindor boy’s dormitory often, as they had been close friends with James before starting at Hogwarts, and had since then developed friendships with all the boys in his dorm, in addition to him. Marlene, however, was too loud and brash for the timid Peter, so naturally he had developed a crush on Dorcas instead.

It made sense, but the problem was that she did not have feelings for Peter in return, and she did not want to lead him on in any way. Therefore, the next day she sought out James after Arithmancy, a class that Peter was not in with them.

“Hey, Jamie,” Dorcas called out to him as he walked ahead with Sirius, causing him to turn to look at her curiously.

“What’s up, Dee?” James asked, ruffling his hair as he waited for her to catch up, waving Sirius along ahead of him.

“Does Peter have a crush on me?” Dorcas asked without preamble as she fell into step beside him. James smirked at her sideways.

“He’s been a bit obvious about it, hasn’t he? I’m surprised you haven’t brought it up to me before.”

“You knew and you didn’t tell me?” Dorcas demanded indignantly.

“Of course I didn’t tell you,” James said, looking offended. “He’s my mate, isn’t he? I wasn’t going to just tell you that he liked you. Principles.”

“Oh, fine, I get that,” Dorcas said, rolling her eyes. “Nevermind. The thing is, please don’t encourage him, alright? With his feelings for me, I mean. He’s very nice, there’s nothing wrong with him or anything, it’s just that I don’t think of him that way.”

“Sure,” James said carelessly. “I never actively encouraged him to ask you out or anything like that, though Sirius did suggest it for laughs one day. But I get it. Sometimes you just don’t like someone that way. It is what it is.”

“Yeah,” Dorcas said, suppressing a sigh. What James didn’t know was how much Dorcas would give to have feelings for any boy. Perhaps if she did, she would feel less confused. But, then again, Dorcas reasoned, having feelings for a boy wouldn’t make the memory of how her heart had quickened upon seeing Iris Liu tuck her shiny black hair behind her ear that day in Care of Magical Creatures go away. “How’s Sarah?”

“Oh, she kind of dumped me,” James said, ruffling his hair sheepishly. “She said I was blowing her off too much to hang out with the boys. Also, I accidentally set her Ancient Runes homework on fire.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Dorcas said absentmindedly, then turned to stare at him. “Wait—you _set fire_ to her homework?”

“ _Accidentally,_ ” James emphasized, but grinning slightly. “It’s okay, though. Having a girlfriend is a bit too much time commitment for me right now. Maybe in a year or two.”

“Maybe in a year or two you’ll be a better boyfriend,” Dorcas said, rolling her eyes. James laughed.

“It ended okay, though,” James said. “She’s really nice, you know? Hopefully we can still be friendly.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to, if it ended alright,” Dorcas assured him. “I mean, we’re only thirteen, aren’t we? It’s not that deep.”

“True,” James replied, smiling. “So, if you don’t like Pete, who have you got your eye on, Dee? Don’t tell me it’s _me_.”

His voice was teasing, but Dorcas shoved him slightly, making a disgusted face. “ _That’s_ never happening, Jamie,” she said. “Merlin, you’re too cocky for your own good sometimes. It would be like having feelings for a brother.”

James laughed. “Good, glad we’re on the same page on that,” he said, carelessly ruffling his hair again. They continued to chat amicably as they made their way back to the Gryffindor common room, James either not noticing or not commenting on the fact that she had never answered his question.

Dorcas had a moment where she was on the verge of telling James about everything she had been thinking about for the last few weeks, about Iris Liu and her moment of realization, about not having feelings for any of the boys that her roommates commented were cute. She almost opened her mouth to start, but then he was laughing about something that had happened in Transfiguration on Monday. Before she knew it, they arrived at the Fat Lady portrait, and she had missed her chance.

Part of Dorcas really wanted to tell her friends about how she was questioning her sexuality, but another part told her to stay silent forever. She had no idea what their reactions would be, and while she thought that James at least would be accepting of it, she was scared that it would change things, nevertheless. It would make her different from everyone else she knew, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to be different in such a way. What if people started treating her like an outsider?

Over the next few weeks, these fears dogged Dorcas, though she had not thought specifically about Iris in a while. Her biggest fear was of things changing, both within herself and with the people that she cared about, once they knew this fact about her. Therefore, Dorcas told no one, but her world changed around her despite her efforts.

The first signs of the change emerged in mid-April, when, after weeks of pushing thoughts of her sexuality out of her head, Dorcas was confronted with a situation that made it impossible to ignore. It was as if her mind, frustrated with her constant efforts to suppress her attraction to girls, had decided to get her back in a way that she could not ignore. It found her weakness, picked it open like a half-healed scab, and, with a triumphant ‘ha!’, schemed up the key to Dorcas’ downfall. Of course, she knew that if she told James or Lily any of this, they would say she was being dramatic, and maybe she was. At the moment, however, Dorcas hated whatever sinister force had cast its spell on her, causing her to fall into the trap that, if she was honest with herself, she had been dreading from the moment that she realized she liked girls.

It’s an old cliché, really, falling for your best friend. At least, that’s what Dorcas thought derisively when she first realized what was happening to her. _Not only am I in a situation with no possible happy ending,_ she thought, _I’m also a cliché._

It was hard to pinpoint exactly what caused her feelings, or when they emerged, but Dorcas thought it had something to do with the constant closeness of the two girls ever since they were toddlers. Therefore, it was by no means uncommon to see Marlene or Dorcas climbing into the other’s bed to cuddle at the end of a day, even as they were now thirteen, or Marlene slinging her arm over Dorcas’ shoulder, affectionately pulling her close as they walked together through the halls of Hogwarts. 

Even disregarding the platonic physical intimacy they shared, there was also the feeling of emotional and mental closeness. Because of their long friendship, even with the vast differences between Marlene’s and Dorcas’ personalities, it often felt like they were of one mind, which was no more apparent than when they did wandless magic together. For Dorcas, at those times it felt as if their thoughts were brushing up against one another and overlapping, their minds joining in one purpose.

Thinking of it now made her shiver, and she wrapped her cloak around her tighter, standing at the edge of the Great Lake in the gathering darkness. It was a Friday evening after a long week in which Dorcas’ professors seemed intent on making her suffer with piles of homework. She supposed she had rather brought it upon herself by taking all but one of the possible elective classes that started in third year, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret her choice. Along with all the usual classes, she had elected to take Muggle Studies, Arithmancy, and Care of Magical Creatures, and she loved them all quite a lot. She might have taken Divination, too, if it was being offered, but currently there was no Divination teacher at Hogwarts. Still, the classes she was taking were a lot of work, and her situation was made harder with all the other things on her mind. At least she didn’t have Quidditch practice, too, unlike some of her friends.

Speaking of Quidditch practice...Dorcas heard the soft footfalls behind her, and even before she turned, she knew it was Marlene, as Marlene often took the long way back to the dormitory after Quidditch practice, walking around the castle before going in. Marlene’s wavy blonde hair was damp, as she had clearly just showered in the locker rooms after the Gryffindor practice. Sam Thomas, the seventh year Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, didn’t usually hold practices on Friday evenings, but Marlene had told her that Florence O’Connor and Marcus Ellerton, the fifth year Beaters, had been put in detention during their usual practice time for starting a fight, so Sam had reluctantly rescheduled.

It was amusing, Marlene told her, to see Sam react to the younger team members’ antics. Sam, the only seventh year on the the Gryffindor team, was something of an older brother to the rest of his teammates, and, unfortunately for him, this often meant that he had to deal with the fallout of their poor decision making. Emmeline Vance, Dorcas’ roommate and friend, had been made Gryffindor Keeper at the beginning of the year, and she was not a big problem for Sam, both in that her performance as Keeper was exemplary, and that she wasn’t much of a troublemaker. James and Marlene, on the other hand, like Florence and Marcus, were only still on the team because of their brilliance in their respective Quidditch positions, as they all created a lot of issues for their Captain. Sam sometimes said they were more trouble than they were worth, but Marley and James insisted that he loved them, and Dorcas believed it.

“Why are you out here? I saw you as I was leaving practice,” Marlene said as she drew nearer to her best friend. Marlene’s blue eyes sparkled in the faint light of the setting sun, her cheeks pink from the wind and the walk over to the lake. She was wearing a red hoodie, zipped up to her neck, along with a pair of jeans and sneakers. If Dorcas had been dressed in her outfit, she knew she would be far too cold, but Marlene ran warmer than she did.

“I just fancied a walk to clear my head,” Dorcas said truthfully, giving her friend a slight smile. Marlene didn’t need to know that she was the reason why Dorcas needed to clear her head.

“Well, come back up to the castle with me,” Marlene said, smiling mischievously. “James said we should celebrate the end of a truly soul-crushing week, what with all those essays we had to do.”

“Oh, and what did James have in mind for this celebration?” Dorcas asked, raising her eyebrows doubtfully at her friend. Marlene laughed and linked her arm with Dorcas’, the two girls heading back up to the castle together.

“No idea, but I’m sure we’ll find out soon,” she said cheerfully.

They found out exactly what James intended when they got back to the Gryffindor common room. It was loud and boisterous, with Gryffindors of every age excited at the prospect of the weekend ahead of them. Dorcas, led by Marlene, made her way over to where James sat, laughing with Sirius in the corner. When he spotted Marlene and Dorcas, he straightened up, grinning at their approach.

“There you two are!” He exclaimed. “I was wondering where you got off to, Marley.”

“I had to fetch this one from the grounds,” Marlene said, nodding to Dorcas before flopping down and smirking across at Sirius and James. Dorcas rolled her eyes and sat down next to her.

“Marley tells me that you have some idea on how to celebrate the end of the week,” Dorcas said. James smirked.

“That I do,” he said, the look on his face mischievous in a way that Dorcas knew rarely boded well. “I was wondering if you could help, actually. It would be nice to get the girls to hang out, too.”

“Hang out and do what?” Dorcas asked suspiciously. “I’m not sure I want to be the one to convince them if it’s only going to get us all in trouble, James.”

“Oh, come on, it’s not _that_ kind of idea,” James replied, laughing. “I just thought we could have some fun. Sirius and I nicked some butterbeer from the kitchens, and I thought we could have a little party in our dorm, play some games, you know?”

“Okay, that does sound fun,” Dorcas admitted, smiling. “Just promise me that no one will get injured over the course of the night, and I’ll persuade them to come.”

“Cross my heart,” James said, grinning at her and mockingly crossing his heart. Dorcas smiled.

“Okay,” she said, standing and looking around the common room for her roommates.

“Why didn’t you ask me?” Marlene asked, looking at James with an offended look on her face. “They’re my roommates, too, you know.”

“Hey, you’re the one I ask when I need someone scared,” James said, smiling at her. “Dee’s who I ask when I want someone persuaded. She’s more of a people person.”

“I’m a people person!” Marlene said, scowling and shoving him. “Plenty of people like me.”

“Yeah, but you’re not very _friendly_ ,” Sirius piped up, grinning at her, too. Marlene shoved him as well, but Dorcas ignored them as she set off to where Hestia was sitting with Emmeline and Mary, the three girls laughing together.

“Hey, Dee!” Hestia exclaimed in a friendly way as she walked over to them and sat down.

“Hey,” Dorcas replied, smiling. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing much,” Emmeline replied, smiling pleasantly, her fingers playing absentmindedly with the Star of David pendant which hung around her neck. “I was just telling them about Sam’s griping at practice about Marcus and Florey. He’s always asking what he did to deserve being stuck with all of us hellions.”

Dorcas laughed. “He doesn’t really mean it, though, does he?” She asked, casting a glance over to Sam Thomas, who was sitting by the fire with his seventh year friends, smiling.

“Oh, no,” Emmeline said, smiling over to him as well. “He adores Marcus and Florey, really, and the rest of us, too. He doesn’t like to admit it, but I think his life would be much more boring without everyone to look after. Anyway, Marcus and Florence have both been on the team since their second year, so he’s been like a big brother to them for a while.”

“It seems like he quite likes looking after them,” Mary said, smiling. “I mean, it’s not _really_ his job to look after his teammates outside of the pitch, as Captain, is it? But he does it anyway.”

“He goes above and beyond,” Emmeline said, smiling. “He’s a great Captain.”

“Well, anyway,” Dorcas said, clapping her hands together. “I was sent over here to ask if you all would join the boys, Marlene, and I in the boys’ dormitory. James and Sirius got butterbeer, and suggested we play some games and let off a little steam after the hard week we all had.”

“I’ve never been in the boy’s dormitory before,” Hestia said, looking interested.

“Nobody’s going to get blown up, though, are they?” Emmeline asked, raising her eyebrows and smiling jokingly. “The boys don’t have the best track record.”

“James promised me that no one would be injured over the course of the evening,” Dorcas assured them, smiling, too.

“That sounds fun, then!” Hestia exclaimed, smiling excitedly.

“Okay,” Emmeline agreed. Dorcas turned to Mary.

“Mary?”

The shorter girl hesitated for a second, then nodded. “Okay, sure, I’ll come.”

“Great!” Dorcas exclaimed excitedly. “Is Lily around?”

“She’s up in the dormitory reading, I think,” Mary said. “But do you really think that she will agree to go? She’s not the biggest fan of James, and she _hates_ Sirius.”

Dorcas shrugged, standing up to go and convince her red-haired friend. “It’s worth a try, and she likes Remus and doesn’t mind Peter. That’s a fifty percent chance in my book.”

Surprisingly, however, Lily did agree to accompany Dorcas to the boys’ dormitory. Dorcas thought that her friend seemed rather lonely when she wasn’t around Severus Snape. She liked the other girl immensely, but she sometimes got the feeling that Lily didn’t quite trust her, or the other girls in their dormitory. Of course, she knew that Lily didn’t like Marlene, but Marlene often hung around the Gryffindor boys, and even when she was gone, Lily wouldn’t always hang out with the other girls. 

That evening, for instance, she had been sitting upstairs with a book in her lap instead of with Emmeline, Hestia, and Mary, talking and joking by the fire. Sure, she talked with them in lessons, sat with them at mealtimes, and joined them in discussions in the dormitory, but she had put up a wall between her and truly being close with any of them. Dorcas couldn’t explain it, but it saddened her, and she was glad that Lily had accepted the invitation to hang out with the Gryffindor third years that evening.

Dorcas and Lily went down to the common room to find the rest of the girls, then headed up with them to the boys’ dormitory, knocking on the door that had a sign saying “Third Years” over it. Someone inside (likely James) yelled that they could come in, and Dorcas opened the door to find Marlene, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter already lounging on the ground there. It was cleaner than the last time she had been up there, so she supposed that they had made a bit of an effort to tidy up for the impromptu gathering.

“Hey,” Dorcas said, smiling and entering, sitting down on the ground next to James, who was lying on his stomach, concentrating hard as he placed a card on the card house he was building. Dorcas supposed he was using Exploding Snap cards, and was proved right when the card exploded, causing James to move back hastily as the rest of the cards fell to the ground, a couple more of them blowing up. Luckily, none of the explosions reached James’ face, and he turned to the door, smiling and sitting up to greet the newcomers.

“Hi, come on in,” he said in a friendly way, looking to Emmeline, Hestia, Mary, and Lily who were all still hovering at the doorway uncertainly. Hestia didn’t need to be told twice, closing the door behind them all and immediately taking a seat next to Marlene. Emmeline went to sit by Sirius, Mary next to Remus, and Lily sat between Dorcas and Peter, completing their little circle. Dorcas noticed that Lily looked slightly nervous, but doubted that anyone else had.

“Want a butterbeer?” Sirius asked Emmeline, and she nodded, smiling. He passed her one, and James began to pass the rest of the drinks around, too. Dorcas opened hers, taking a sip, and smiled at the delicious taste, wiping a bit of foam off her upper lip. They sat around, talking and laughing for a little while. Emmeline did a very convincing impression of Sam Thomas, which had them all in stitches, especially after James broke in to imitate Florey firing back. Their butterbeers didn’t last as long as they might have hoped, but Sirius was soon passing around sweets they had also gotten from the kitchens. Sirius handed Remus a chocolate eclair, grinning at him knowingly, and Remus took it with a slight eye roll, but looked pleased.

The conversation quickly turned to games they could play. “Wizards Chess is no good for a group of people,” Emmeline said. “If only I had brought Monopoly, that would have been fun!”

“What’s Monopoly?” James asked, looking intrigued.

“You see, this is the kind of thing that they _should_ teach in Muggle Studies!” Hestia exclaimed, laughing. “It’s only the best game in the world, James!”

“It’s a board game,” Lily explained, piping up for the first time that evening. “You get fake money and stuff and you have to buy property as you roll the dice to move around the board.”

“When you get properties of the same color, you can build houses on them and collect rent when other people land on them,” Mary continued, smiling. “The goal is to get other people to lose all their money on your properties, and whoever is left last wins.”

“Sounds fun,” Sirius said, grinning.

“It can get quite competitive at times,” Emmeline admitted. “But it is good fun.”

“But we don’t have the board, so we can’t play that,” Hestia pointed out. “We have to find something else.”

“What about Truth or Dare?” Sirius suggested, a mischievous look on his face. Dorcas laughed slightly, rolling her eyes. Of course Sirius would suggest that game, he lived for the drama and would likely only pick Dare for himself. The other Gryffindors put up little resistance, some of them rolling their eyes like Dorcas and protesting slightly, but it was clear that they were all excited at the prospect.

James went first, of course, and Emmeline, sitting across from him, asked him: “Truth or Dare?” James, as Dorcas knew he would, picked Dare, and the group brainstormed together for a moment.

“Ok, ok,” Emmeline finally said, putting her hand up to quieten them. “James, I dare you to serenade someone in this room in the most ridiculous way that you possibly can think of.”

James laughed, and looked around the circle. His eyes landed on Remus, and he grinned, making Remus sigh in exasperation. Dramatically, James lifted himself to his feet and made his way over to Remus, pretending he was holding a microphone in his hand as he began to sing “Love Me Do” by The Beatles, making dramatic hand gestures and facial expressions as he serenaded Remus, who began to laugh. The whole group was in hysterics by the time he finished, bowing and resuming his seat. Even Lily was laughing, looking much more at ease than she had earlier. Maybe she liked the fact that James had sang a Beatles song, Dorcas thought. She knew Lily was a fan, as she sometimes slept in an oversized band t-shirt with their band name on it.

They proceeded around the circle, moving from the perpetual ‘dare’ choosers—James and Marlene—to Hestia, Remus, Mary, and Emmeline, who all picked ‘truth.’ The truth questions were pretty standard of young people their age: _Who is your crush? Have you kissed anyone yet? What’s a secret you’ve never told anyone before?_ Hestia asked Emmeline who she thought was the most attractive professor at the school was, which started a round of laughter. Emmeline giggled herself into silence before thinking, then answering that she thought it was probably Professor Cyprus, who taught Astronomy, because he was the youngest of all of their professors.

When the circle got all the way back around to Dorcas, she decided, uncharacteristically, on ‘dare.’ She would usually pick ‘truth,’ but she felt a bit wary about what her friends might ask her, and didn’t want to have to lie if it went in a dangerous direction. They all considered her for a moment, trying to think up a good dare that hadn’t already been used, but it was Hestia who finally piped up.

“I dare you to kiss someone in this room,” she said, smiling mischievously. Everyone in the room sat up straighter, then. They had yet to go down this particular path with dares, but it was an intriguing one. Only two members of the group had kissed people before: James and Hestia. There was an air of slight excitement and nervousness. Dorcas swallowed nervously, her cheeks suddenly feeling very hot.

“What—” she cleared her throat, which felt dry even as her palms began to sweat. “Who do I kiss?”

“Up to you,” Hestia said, smirking widely across at her friend. Dorcas’ eyes widened, her heart beating fast as she looked around at the group, who were all looking expectantly back at her, eager for her decision. Peter was blushing, too, not meeting her eyes when they passed over him, and she remembered about Peter’s crush on her.

Dorcas’ breath seemed to catch in her throat as her eyes flitted around her gathered housemates, making it feel hard to inhale and exhale. Of course, Dorcas knew who she would have _liked_ to kiss, but that was precisely why she _couldn’t_ pick Marlene. Even if she could play it off as a joke, say she was most comfortable kissing her friend because of their closeness, it would mean something different to Dorcas than it would to Marlene, and she couldn’t have that. She couldn’t give herself false hope, or allow herself to kiss Marlene in a game when she really wanted it to be real. It would be a stupid decision, she knew. Why, then, was she so tempted to make it?

“I can’t just _pick_ who to kiss,” Dorcas protested, her voice catching nervously as she tried to look at anyone but Marlene. As she looked around at them, she knew there was no right answer. She couldn’t kiss a girl, it would bring up awkward questions and speculations that she had already decided she wasn’t ready for, but kissing any of the boys would make the whole group think that she _liked_ them, and she couldn’t stand that prospect, either. Of course, she supposed, that embarrassment she could endure as long as they didn’t like her back, so Peter was out of the options. It would be cruel, too, to kiss him when when she had no feelings for him, and Dorcas wouldn’t do that. But between Remus, James, and Sirius, there was no easy choice, either. She didn’t _want_ to kiss any of them!

Just then, Mary shifted forward, her movement catching Dorcas’ eye. Mary had been observing Dorcas in her quiet way, and she seemed to have seen Dorcas’ blind panic at the prospect of having to choose who to kiss. “This is ridiculous,” Mary said, letting out a slight laugh. Grabbing her empty butterbeer bottle, she placed it down in the middle of the circle, then leaned back. “If this game is going to go down that road, we might as well transition to another one.”

“Spin the Bottle?” Hestia asked, her face lighting up with delight at the prospect, effectively taking the attention off of Dorcas. Mary nodded, smirking slightly, an expression Dorcas had never seen on her face before.

A murmur of interest went around the group, some looking excited, some looking apprehensive. Most of them readily agreed, sitting up or rearranging their positions so that they could observe the people around them better.

“Fine,” Lily conceded, not quite suppressing her amused smile. “As long as I don’t have to kiss _him_ ,” she added, pointing her finger at Sirius. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Trust me, I have no desire to kiss you, either,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“Okay,” Mary said, clearly trying to head off a fight before it happened. “If either of your bottles land on the other one, you get to spin again. Happy?”

“Yes,” Sirius and Lily said in unison, but both of them leaned forward, making it clear that they were both just as interested in the game as the others.

“Since it was Dorcas’ dare, she can spin first,” Mary said diplomatically, gesturing to the bottle. “Whoever it lands on, she has to kiss.” Everyone nodded in agreement, and Dorcas looked around slightly nervously before leaning forward on her knees to give the bottle a good spin. It was better, though, to kiss whoever the bottle landed on rather than having to pick the person herself. The bottle spun in a full circle several times before slowing, everyone’s gazes intent on it as it spun to a stop, pointing squarely at Sirius.

Dorcas swallowed nervously, then shrugged at Sirius, a rueful expression on her face. He grinned back, sending her a joking wink. “Pucker up, Meadowes,” he said, before lifting himself up onto his knees and scooting to the middle of the circle. For a split-second, they met each other’s gazes awkwardly, but Dorcas reminded herself that _it’s just Sirius_ , and she rolled her eyes, smiling, before leaning forward to press a quick kiss to his lips.

His lips were soft and warm, not dry or chapped, which she was grateful for, but when Dorcas pulled back, she registered that she had felt very little as his lips pressed to hers. It was a strange feeling, pressing one’s lips to someone else’s, getting that close to another person’s face, but other than that strange feeling of closeness, the brief pressure on her lips didn’t make much of an impression on Dorcas. She wasn’t sure if this should upset her or not, the lack of feeling, but she resolved not to think too hard about it. Sirius sent her a little smirk, then moved back to where he had been sitting, and she did the same. All things considered, it could have been worse, Dorcas thought. She might have even chosen Sirius to kiss out of the three boys, as he wasn’t one to take things very seriously (no pun intended).

“Who’s next?” Dorcas asked, smiling pleasantly around the circle, ready for everyone’s eyes to leave her.

Hestia shrugged, grinning widely at her. “Pick a direction,” she said. Dorcas considered for a moment, then pointed toward her right, at Lily. At least her friend would get it out of the way, she reasoned. James, on her left, pouted slightly, but looked on eagerly as Lily shrugged, leaning forward to spin the bottle. After a few seconds, it slowed to a stop, the top pointing at none other than James himself. James let out a laugh, and Lily rolled her eyes, but turned to face him. James, a cocky expression on his face, briefly ruffled his hair with one hand before moving forward and kissing her confidently.

Dorcas noted that the kiss was a bit longer than her and Sirius’, but she was unsure if it just looked like James knew what he was doing more because of his confidence, or because he had already had his first kiss with Sarah. Either way, when the two parted, James sent Lily a careless wink, and she rolled her eyes, but her cheeks were slightly flushed nonetheless, as she resumed her spot beside Dorcas. Next was Peter, and his bottle landed on Hestia, who smiled at him and moved to the center of the circle to kiss him. He blushed hard as he leaned forward to peck her lips, even his ears going red. Sirius let out a little whistle as they moved apart, and everyone laughed. After that, the ice was sufficiently broken, and the group cheered each pair on as they moved into the circle.

Sirius, next, spun and landed on Marlene, and Dorcas knew a heavy pang of jealousy as she watched Marley lean forward to kiss Sirius, her frizzy blonde hair falling into her face like a curtain separating their two lips from Dorcas’ gaze. As she gazed on enviously, she noticed Remus’ expression of slight resignation from across the circle. When the two pulled apart, Dorcas thought she might have imagined it, as Remus’ face went back to his normal expression of casual interest, but she could have sworn there was still something off in his blue eyes.

Next up, Emmeline was the first to land on someone of her same gender, as her bottle landed on Hestia. There was an outbreak of laughter, and Emmeline raised her eyebrows to Hestia, who scooted forward, grinning widely at her friend. Emmeline rolled her eyes, but complied as well, and, uncharacteristically, gave Hestia a large, joking wink after they separated, leading to more laughter.

Around the circle they went, and Dorcas watched as Remus kissed Mary, then Mary kissed Lily. She was called back into the circle again when it was Hestia’s turn to spin the bottle, and it landed on her. Dorcas tried not to blush as Hestia’s lips met hers. Hestia’s lips were soft and tasted of cherries, which Dorcas assumed must be the flavor of her lip balm. Close to the other girl, she smelled the sweet smell of her shampoo and what might be perfume, a smell that she was used to around the dormitory, but had never been this close to before. She only realized that she had closed her eyes when Hestia pulled back, and they fluttered open again. Hestia smiled brightly back at her, her cheeks rosy, and Dorcas returned the smile as sincerely as she could.

She barely felt any jealousy when she saw Marlene kiss Peter next, so preoccupied as she was in her thoughts about her kiss with Hestia. (She did manage to register the irony, though, of seeing Marlene, who Dorcas had a crush on, kiss Peter, who had a crush on Dorcas himself.) Still, it was merely a blip on her radar as she searched her mind, trying to figure out how she had felt about her second kiss.

It was neat, she thought, that she got to compare the effects of kissing a girl and a boy so close together. The results, she thought, were quite clear. She had liked her kiss with Hestia. She didn’t like Hestia as more than a friend, she knew, but she had rather enjoyed the kiss, if she let herself think about it. It was sweet, it made her heart beat faster (in a good way), and it felt natural for her. The kiss with Sirius had been alright, but it hadn’t made her feel anything. Comparably to Hestia, though, she considered Sirius a good friend. The only real thing that could have made a difference in how she felt about the kiss was their genders.

What this meant, Dorcas thought as she watched James laughingly tell Peter to pucker up as his bottle spun to land on his friend, was unable to be refuted at this point. Dorcas liked girls. And, really, was it so bad? Girls were pretty, they smelled good, and some of them wore sweet-tasting chapstick like Hestia. They had soft skin and silky hair, and their eyes twinkled beautifully in the light of a fire, or the sun. Then she looked over to Marlene, who was laughing and cheering as Peter turned beet red, drawing back from James, who had a wide smirk on his face, and Dorcas remembered that Marlene was her best friend. _Yes_ , she thought sadly, _it really is that bad_ . _It really is that bad if I have to watch her and want her and never be able to show it._


	10. Selfish

The frosty dawns of March and April melted into the dewy mornings of May, where the grass on the Hogwarts grounds sparkled with drops of water. Given her way, however, Emmeline would not have been awake to see the dew, beautiful as it was in the morning light. Unlike some of her dormmates, Emmeline Vance was decidedly not a morning person, and she was very displeased each time that Marlene McKinnon was forced to rouse her. The sun was barely even up above the trees of the Forbidden Forest when Marlene prodded Em, who groaned and rolled over onto her stomach, trying to hide her face.

“Five more minutes,” she said groggily. Marlene huffed out a quiet laugh, then Em felt her pillow being pulled out from under her head. She sat up, rubbing her eyes and glaring at her roommate.

“Seriously, Marley?”

“Keep your voice down,” Marlene said, a smile on her face as she held Emmeline’s pillow up and out of the other girl’s reach. “And yes, seriously, you have to get ready for Quidditch practice.”

“Ughh,” Emmeline said, frowning and slipping out of bed, Marlene throwing her pillow back down. Emmeline winced as she put her feet down on the floor, the hardwood cold under her bare skin. Marlene grinned, then turned back towards her own bed, pouring herself some water with the jug that was on her bedside table.

“You’d better get ready quickly,” Marlene said quietly as she sipped her water, checking her watch. “We have to be down at the Quidditch Pitch in fifteen minutes.”

“Why didn’t you wake me sooner, then?” Emmeline grumbled.

“And be treated to your cheery morning attitude for longer than I needed to? No thanks.”

“Shut _uuup_ ,” Mary grumbled blearily from her own bed, the curtains still drawn around it. Emmeline managed a small smile as she went into the bathroom. Mary was even less of a morning person than Emmeline, if such a thing were possible. Seven minutes later, Emmeline had dressed, brushed her teeth, and thrown her long hair into a messy ponytail. Her hair had changed greatly since the beginning of puberty, darkening from her childhood dirty blonde to a light brown, and becoming wavy and frizzy. She still wasn’t sure quite what to do with it, so she tied it out of her face most of the time.

Marlene, who had fidgeted impatiently near the door of their dormitory while Emmeline was getting ready, led the way down the dormitory staircase eagerly. In the common room, they found James waiting for them. He grinned at the sight of them, and they set off at a brisk pace together.

“We’re cutting it close,” James remarked. “I already saw Florey, Marcus, and Chris head towards the pitch.”

“Not Sam?” Marlene asked.

“Knowing Sam, he’s probably been there all night,” James joked.

“Yeah, well, Em’s a horror in the mornings,” Marlene said cheerfully. “I didn’t want to wake her any sooner than I had to.”

“I’m better than Mary,” Emmeline grumbled. “We’re lucky she didn’t chuck something at us for talking. Anyway, not everyone can be freakish morning people like the two of you.”

James laughed. “Trust me, I am the only morning person in my dormitory, too,” he said. “If I tried to get Remus up before at least eight, I’m convinced he would conspire to murder me in my sleep the following night.”

“He could do it, too,” Marlene said, grinning. “Smother you with your pillow or something.”

“Maybe he’d force feed me whatever it is he managed to brew in Potions on Tuesday,” James said, shuddering. Emmeline cracked a smile, thinking of the ominously gurgling, murky brown concoction that Remus had come up with in their last Potions lesson, which had emitted rank fumes until Slughorn vanished it, to the relief of all.

“Maybe I’ll force feed that to Sam for making us have Quidditch practice at six thirty in the morning,” Emmeline said, though she was smiling slightly. They all laughed, and headed finally into the changing room next to the pitch, where all of the rest of their teammates were waiting. Quickly, Emmeline headed to her locker and pulled on her Quidditch jersey, which spelled out her name on the back in gold lettering. She turned to face Sam Thomas, who had begun to give them his usual pre-practice tactical talk.

Sam was tall, taller than any of the rest of his teammates, which made sense, because he was also older than any of them. He stood at about 6’2”, and had dark brown skin and curly, dark brown hair which formed an afro on his head.

“So, we all know that Hufflepuff beat Slytherin in their match on Saturday,” Sam started. “That’s good news for us, since we beat both teams when we played them earlier this year, but Ravenclaw also beat both, so we have to train hard for our match against them in two weeks. I think we should focus on offensive ploys for the Chasers, as we know that Ravenclaw is best at defensive tactics. Emmeline, you should practice your double eight loop around the goalposts, as the Ravenclaw Chasers pass very quickly to each other, which can be tricky. Marlene, practice rolls, but for heaven’s sake, hang on this time. We don’t need another Hospital Wing visit.”

All of this was said in a slightly less than his usual verve, and as he grasped his broom and led them out onto the pitch, Emmeline saw that his shoulders were slightly slumped. Throughout the practice, she watched Sam, noting how utterly deflated he looked. Of course, he still played just as well as he usually did, and gave his teammates tips to improve their playing. Still, when James made a risky move that left him hanging one-handed from his broom, Sam barely even told him off, just helped him back onto his broom and retrieved the Quaffle from the ground, resuming play.

Emmeline knew she couldn’t ask him directly what was wrong. When practice was over at eight, they all returned to the locker rooms to shower and change, and Emmeline saw that Sam had been accosted by Florence, though he was clearly trying to shake her off. Sighing, Emmeline left the locker room to go up to breakfast, leaving the rest of the team still getting ready. She knew that Marlene and James always took longer than her, so she would catch up with them later at breakfast. First, she dropped off her Quidditch bag in her dormitory, then headed down to the Great Hall, where Hestia and Mary were already eating.

“How was practice?” Mary asked as Emmeline sat down.

“It was good,” Emmeline said, pulling a jug of pumpkin juice towards her and pouring herself a glass. “Sam was a bit off, though.”

“Why?” Hestia asked, only looking mildly curious. Emmeline knew that neither Hestia nor Mary liked Quidditch quite as much as Em did. Hestia, who had grown up with two wizarding parents, had both gone to games and listened to them on her radio from a young age, but while she enjoyed watching Quidditch, she had little interest in playing it. Mary, who was Muggle-born, had never heard of Quidditch until coming to Hogwarts, and though she liked the flying lessons in first year and taking the occasional joy-ride on Emmeline’s broom, she was rather confused by all the rules. Both girls supported Emmeline avidly, however, turning up to every game with painted faces and cheering enthusiastically for her, which Emmeline appreciated a great deal.

“I’m not sure,” Emmeline said, beginning to serve herself eggs and toast. “He’s always a bit grouchy, that’s just Sam. But it’s usually in a joking way because he has to tell Florence and the others off so much. Today he just seemed a bit deflated. He barely even scolded James for a ridiculous maneuver he did that left him hanging off his broom one-handed.”

“Talking about Sam?” James asked just then, sliding into the spot on the bench beside Emmeline, his hair still damp from the showers. Marlene followed him, sitting next to Hestia.

“I was just saying he seemed off this morning,” Emmeline responded. “What do you think that’s about?”

“Florey told Marlene,” James said, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “That Sam’s pining for some Muggle girl back home, and that’s why he’s brooding today.”

“He doesn’t seem broody,” Emmeline said, glancing down the table towards Sam, who had just gone to sit with his seventh year friends. “He seems sad.”

“Yeah, he’s not himself,” James agreed rather carelessly, beginning to serve himself breakfast, “I hoped that stunt with the broom might snap him out of it. I know he always likes giving us a good telling-off.”

“Oh, don’t act like you did that on purpose,” Marlene said, giving James a mocking look. “That was just your usual idiocy.”

Before James could retort, Emmeline turned to Marlene, intent on the earlier topic of conversation. “So what did Florence tell you about Sam?”

“She didn’t say much,” Marlene said, shrugging and pulling a platter of food towards her. “Just that he fancies a girl back home but he can’t tell her he’s magical so he’s all twisted up inside about it.”

“That sucks,” Emmeline said, looking sympathetically down to Sam. Marlene nodded, beginning to shovel food into her mouth.

“Florey told him he should just ask her out and tell her he’s a wizard if he’s going to tear himself up about it,” Marlene continued, her voice somewhat muffled by food. She swallowed a large mouthful and rolled her eyes. “But you know Sam, he’s a stickler for the rules.”

“The Statute of Secrecy isn’t just some dumb school rule, Marlene,” Emmeline said, giving her friend an incredulous look.

“Yes, _mum_ ,” Marlene said sarcastically. “But he’s known this girl forever, apparently. How can you keep a secret from someone for that long, anyway?”

“Sometimes keeping things from people is better for them,” Mary piped up. “None of my Muggle friends back home know I’m a witch, and I know that telling them wouldn’t be in their best interest.”

“Still, it must be hard to keep it from them,” Emmeline said, looking at Mary.

Mary shrugged. “Not very, to be honest. My life is pretty non-magical when I’m home for the holidays anyway, since we can’t do magic outside of school. It’ll be harder when I get out of school and get a job, though, I bet. Boarding school Muggles understand, but not wizarding jobs. Maybe that’s why Sam’s thinking more about it now. He’s about to graduate.”

“Yeah, I guess people are used to talking about their jobs with their friends,” Hestia said contemplatively. “I’d get suspicious if someone refused to give details on what they do.”

“Poor Sam,” Emmeline said, casting another glance towards her Quidditch Captain at the end of the Gryffindor table.

“Oh, I know that look,” Hestia said, scrutinizing her friend suspiciously. “No meddling, Em. There’s nothing you can do.”

“I’m not going to meddle,” Emmeline said, turning back to her friends and giving Hestia an offended look. “But I _wish_ there was something I could do. He just looks so sad.”

“You’re compulsive,” Hestia said, pointing her spoon at Emmeline accusingly. “You can’t always solve other people’s issues.”

“Shut up,” Emmeline said, rolling her eyes. “I’m not compulsive.”

“Oh, really?” Marlene said, grinning. “Then why are you always the first person to offer anyone your notes when they miss class?”

“Because it’s a nice thing to do, Marlene,” Emmeline said, raising her eyebrows. “What’s wrong with—”

“ _And_ you tidy up my corner of the room when I’m not looking,” Marlene said, her smile growing wider.

“I just thought that you might need some—”

“ _And_ you’re always trying to get involved in other people’s fights,” Hestia broke in, exchanging a smirk.

“When have I—”

“Evans literally almost cursed you the other day when you got between her and Sirius,” James said, grinning slightly at what he clearly considered an amusing memory.

“And now you’re sitting, worrying over our poor, pining Quidditch Captain instead of eating your breakfast,” Marlene said, a satisfied look on her face.

“So what?” Emmeline said, a mutinous look on her face. “I like to take care of other people, what’s wrong with that?”

“The problem is you forget to take care of yourself, Em,” Hestia said, smiling slightly at the look of mild outrage on her friend’s face as her food lay abandoned on her plate. “Have you forgotten that we’re teenagers? We’re supposed to be selfish, that’s the whole teen thing.”

“Being selfish isn’t a good thing, Tia.”

“Sometimes you have to be selfish, Em,” Hestia said, shaking her head incredulously. “In fact, being completely selfless is neither natural nor good for you.”

“She’s got a point,” James broke in, smiling. “You can’t live your life if you’re always thinking about other people all the time.”

“I take care of myself,” Emmeline said, crossing her arms. “And I don’t just think about others all the time.”

“Prove it,” Hestia said, smiling. “Go two weeks without your compulsive selfless acts.”

“I’m not going to stop doing nice things for people,” Emmeline said, her eyes widening. “You can’t seriously be asking—”

“We’ll all enforce it,” Hestia said, grinning mischievously. She turned to the rest of the group. “If anyone sees her being compulsive, stop her by any means you deem necessary.”

“Oh Merlin,” Emmeline said, looking at Hestia in horror. “Don’t tell them that. You do realize who you’re talking to, right?” She said, gesturing towards Marlene and James, who had identical evil grins on their faces.

“Well, maybe they’ll motivative you,” Hestia said, grinning in what Emmeline considered an entirely unnecessarily crafty manner. Emmeline groaned, shook her head, and turned her attention back to her breakfast. The eggs lay cold upon her plate, and she sighed before digging into them, knowing that the bell was likely to ring soon, and she had to eat something before History of Magic.

....

Over the course of the next few weeks, Hestia, James, and Marlene annoyed Emmeline by preventing her random acts of selflessness. They did this by getting in her way every time she tried to do something which they termed “compulsive.”

When she tried to clean the other girls’ areas in the dormitory, Marlene would shoo her away, making her sit on her bed as she watched Marlene do it herself, Emmeline’s right eye twitching slightly as Marlene stuffed random pages of her notes haphazardly into the drawer of her night table. When Mary came down with a cold and missed Astronomy one week, Hestia had stepped in front of Emmeline when she tried to offer Mary her notes, presenting the other girl with her own.

“Oh come on, she doesn’t want your notes, Tia,” Emmeline said indignantly. “Your handwriting sucks.”

“I made an extra effort to make it neat this time,” Hestia said, smiling satisfiedly at the offended look on Emmeline’s face as she gazed down at the notes, which were indeed much neater than normal. “And I know that you like to go over your Astronomy notes on Thursday afternoons, which you would not be able to do if Mary had them, now would you?”

Emmeline glared at her friend mutinously, indignant at her extremely inconvenient act of consideration. Mary shrugged and laughed, taking Hestia’s notes from her outstretched hand.

“Thanks, Tia,” she said. “I’m staying out of this.”

Mary was one of the only people staying out of it, however. Hestia had recruited both Dorcas and Lily to her cause, and now whenever someone asked for anything in the dorm, Emmeline was met with a chorus of “You stay there,” before she could even move to get up.

Emmeline resentfully kept her silence now. It was true that she was busy as they came up to exam time, as well as the end of the Quidditch season, and their last game against Ravenclaw looming. She practiced harder than ever, and tried to be grateful to her friends for taking up the slack. Still, the change nagged at her mind.

She was used to taking care of people, and she liked it. She had done so ever since her dad had gotten sick, when she had been seven years old. Emmeline’s father, Charlie Vance, was a Muggle, who had married her witch mother in 1958, three years after his last marriage ended in divorce. Emmeline had an older half-brother, Benjamin, from that previous marriage. Naturally this meant he was a Muggle, but knew the truth about the magic in the family. He was ten years older than she was.

Emmeline’s father was a whole eight years older than her mother, Esther, and had had more health problems associated with his advancing age. When she was seven, he had been diagnosed with liver cancer, and had to have a transplant. With her mother in the hospital all the time, Emmeline had become used to taking care of her younger brother, Noah, sometimes with the help of Benjamin, sometimes without. In the years since then, she had not been able to break the habit of constantly looking after others. Now, however, her friends were demanding that she stop prioritizing others’ wellbeing above her own, and she was fighting them tooth and nail.

....

In the last week of May, the final game of the season, Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor, was finally upon them, and, as usual, excitement was high among the Gryffindors. As with her last two games, Emmeline’s nerves began to build up at the beginning of the week, and climaxed on the morning of the game. It was sunny and clear, not a cloud to be seen in the sky, which would be good for visibility for both teams.

After she got ready to go down to breakfast, Emmeline stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror for a very long time, her own dark brown eyes staring back at her, looking larger in her face than usual. Her hand went to the pendant around her neck, a Star of David which her mother had gifted to her at her bat mitzvah the previous summer. Finally, she took a deep breath and left the bathroom, grabbing her broom and hoisting it over her shoulder, walking down to the Great Hall. 

The hall was full and buzzing with noise by the time she got there, the members of different houses dashing across the hall to talk to their friends about the upcoming match. When Emmeline went over to join Mary and Hestia, Miranda Ellerton was sitting talking with them. Miranda was a short, Black girl from Ravenclaw who was one of Mary’s friends, and sometimes sat with them in lessons. She was very nice, especially talented at Transfiguration, and even managed to stay awake during History of Magic, which was a practically superhuman feat, according to the Gryffindor third years.

“Hey, Em,” Miranda greeted her in a friendly way, giving her a smile. Emmeline smiled back and sat down across from her.

“Hey, Miranda,” she greeted the Ravenclaw girl. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Miranda said, smiling. “Excited for the match. Good luck, by the way. Of course, I’m supporting Ravenclaw, so don’t tell anyone I said that.”

Emmeline laughed a little. “Is that what you told Marcus?” Marcus Ellerton, one of the Gryffindor team’s Beaters, was Miranda’s older brother.

Miranda laughed, sweeping her long dark hair, which was braided into cornrows, behind her left shoulder. “I told Marcus that I promised Cassie Philips ten galleons if she knocked Marcus off his broom today, actually,” she said, giving the rest of the girls a mischievous smile. Mary and Hestia laughed, while Emmeline gave Miranda an amused smile.

“I’m sure he’ll be on his guard, then,” Hestia joked, and Miranda smiled, standing up from the table.

“I should go. Don’t want to be seen fraternizing with the enemy for too long,” she said, giving them a wink before turning to go sit with her friends at the Ravenclaw table.

“How are you feeling?” Mary asked, giving Emmeline a sympathetic look when Miranda was gone. Emmeline shrugged, pulling a bowl of porridge towards her.

“I’m alright,” she lied, her stomach churning slightly.

“You’re going to do great,” Hestia reassured her, giving her arm a slight squeeze. “You’re always nervous, and you always do great anyway, remember?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Emmeline said, giving them a small smile. She glanced down at her porridge, then took up her spoon. No matter how repellant eating sounded at the moment, she needed to have something in her stomach before going out onto the pitch. The oatmeal tasted like glue in her mouth, however, despite the abundance of cinnamon she always put in it. After she was finished, she gulped down pumpkin juice to try to dissipate the rather slimy feeling in her throat.

Much sooner than she had anticipated, Sam stood up at the end of the table, looking down it at his team. “Time to get to the locker rooms,” he said, his voice carrying down towards them. Emmeline’s teammates stood, and she followed them, giving a last smile—which ended up as more of a grimace—to Mary and Hestia, who gave her reassuring smiles in return and wished her luck.

Emmeline trailed at the back of the group of Gryffindor team players, all dressed in their red and gold Quidditch uniforms as they headed down to the pitch. Florence was talking boisterously to Marcus, Marlene and James listening in eagerly and breaking into the conversation one and a while to comment excitedly. Christopher Campbell, their third Chaser, who was a fifth year just like Marcus and Florence, walked quietly alongside Emmeline at the back. Sam, at the front of their little procession, was also quiet, his eyes trained steadily on the corridor in front of him as they headed down to the pitch.

Arriving in the locker rooms, the team pulled their Quidditch robes from their lockers and put them on over their uniforms, grabbing bats and gloves, chatting with one another or readying themselves in silence, as Emmeline was. They all stopped when Sam cleared his throat, however, and turned to listen to his pre-match speech. This one was short and sweet.

“We all know what we have to do today,” Sam began, looking around at each one of them with intensity in his gaze, his eyes locking on each of theirs in turn. “We’re here to play our hardest, to try our best, and to either win or go down with one hell of a fight. I know all of you are ready, I know you all have it in you. I’m proud of everyone on this team, and I’m confident that whatever happens out there, there will be nothing that I would have done differently in the last few weeks. Now let’s go out there and show them that Gryffindors play to win!”

The team yelled in appreciation, and began to gather their last equipment, moving out to through the doors towards the pitch. Emmeline, her heart beating fast and her head suddenly feeling a bit light, put her hand out to brace herself on the locker, then slid down to sit on one of the benches.

“Em,” Marlene’s voice said, seemingly from far away, “you okay?” Emmeline didn’t reply, just closed her eyes, her breathing coming out quickly. She thought she heard some of her other teammates make noises of concern, but a voice broke over all of them.

“You lot go wait outside the door, I’ll take care of her.”

A moment later, Emmeline felt a weight drop onto the bench beside her, and a warm hand on her shoulder. She opened her eyes and looked up to see Sam sitting next to her, looking down at her in concern. She closed her eyes again, looking away from him and trying to slow her breathing.

“I’ll be okay in a moment,” she said weakly, trying to reassure herself as much as him.

“I know you will be,” Sam said, his voice soft and steady. There was a short pause, then Emmeline spoke again, the words rushing out of her almost against her will.

“I’m just nervous,” she said quickly, her heart beating faster as she thought about it. “I’m afraid of letting everyone down.”

There was a moment of silence where Emmeline cursed herself for saying anything. This was her Captain, her seventh year Quidditch Captain who she had never said anything to that didn’t relate to Quidditch before. She should have kept her thoughts to herself. Then, he spoke.

“I know what you mean,” Sam said. His voice was quiet, thoughtful, and Emmeline opened her eyes to look at him curiously as he spoke. The expression on his face was conflicted, his brow furrowed slightly. “I used to get nervous before games a lot, too, you know. It’s hard to feel like you have a responsibility to other people, to your teammates, to your house, to play well. It’s a lot of pressure. It got worse when I became Captain, too.”

“Really?” Emmeline asked, startled out of her panic slightly, her eyes focused on his face. He met her eyes and smiled slightly, nodding.

“Really,” he said. “But you know what changed it for me?” She shook her head, her dark brown eyes trained on his lighter brown pair.

“I realized that I don’t play for my teammates, or for Gryffindor,” he said. “I play Quidditch because I love it. I play it for me.”

She stared at him, and he smiled at the startled look on her face. “You’re a great Keeper, Emmeline, the best I tried out. I didn’t let you on the team because you’re James’ or Marlene’s friend; I let you on because you are the best. You know that, don’t you?”

Emmeline let out a small, nervous laugh. “I guess so.”

“I’m guessing, though, that you didn’t try out for the team because you thought you owed it to someone else, or to your housemates. You tried out because you wanted to be on the team because you loved Quidditch and you wanted to play. Am I right?”

“Yeah, I suppose you are,” Emmeline admitted. Already her breath seemed to be slowing, the weight on her chest lifting.

“Well, that’s true for all of the rest of us out there as well. We’re playing for Gryffindor, yes, but mostly we’re playing for ourselves, and we’re playing because we love the game. And if we win, that’s great, and if we don’t, we had a hell of a time trying, anyway. So when you go out there, don’t play for anyone but yourself. Don’t do it for us, do it because you love it. Otherwise it’s not worth it. Okay?”

“Okay,” Emmeline said, taking a deep breath and feeling relieved, as she realized that her heart rate, too, had returned to nearly normal. Sam gave her a warm smile and stood up, holding out his hand to her. She took it, letting him pull her to her feet before following him towards the door, opening it to join their teammates who were waiting for them.

“You okay?” James asked, looking slightly concerned beside Marlene. Emmeline gave them a smile, feeling more confident all of a sudden than she had ever felt before another Quidditch match.

“Yeah, I’m good now,” Emmeline said, shouldering her broom and following her teammates as they all walked out onto the pitch.

....

The Gryffindor victory over Ravenclaw that day was not easily won. It involved several fouls, James breaking his wrist, and Christopher almost knocking the Ravenclaw Keeper off his broom with the force of the Quaffle as he launched it towards the goal posts.

It turned out that Miranda might really have been serious about her promise to Cassie Philips, as the 4th year Ravenclaw Beater did indeed almost knock Marcus off his broom midway through the match with a clever hit to one of the Bludgers. Still, he hung on, and Florence retaliated by hitting her next Bludger back at Cassie, causing her to roll in the air to avoid it.

Emmeline’s newfound confidence after her talk with Sam followed her as she took to the air. The Ravenclaw Chasers worked together like a well-oiled machine, tossing the Quaffle back and forth as they approached her at the Gryffindor goalposts. Still, Emmeline prevailed over them, letting in only five goals in total so that the final score, when Marlene pulled out of a sharp dive inches from the ground with the Snitch clasped in her hand, was two hundred and forty points to fifty, securing the Quidditch cup for Gryffindor.

When the Gryffindor team raced into the stands to collect the Quidditch Cup, Sam held it out to his teammates, and they all reached to touch whatever corner of the cup they could get their hands on, lifting it into the air collectively, every one of them beaming with delight at their victory.

Much to the disappointment of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, especially Florence, James, and Marlene, they were not allowed to bring the cup to the common room for their victory party, but handed it off to Professor McGonagall. Still, they rallied quickly and led the procession back to the locker rooms, eager to shower and change before the Gryffindor victory party. Marlene took James to go get his wrist healed by Madam Pomfrey, though he had put on a brave face up until that point, insisting that it didn’t hurt that much. 

Emmeline took her time, letting the others leave ahead of her, knowing that the party was likely to last all night anyway. When Emmeline finally left the locker rooms, clean and wearing the change of clothes from her locker, she found Mary and Hestia waiting for her outside. They both squealed in delight at the sight of her, drawing her into a three person hug.

“You played so well!” Mary exclaimed as she drew back, beaming at Emmeline. Emmeline smiled.

“Thanks,” she said, beginning to walk in the direction the Gryffindor common room, her two friends at her side. “I liked your guys’ signs from the crowd.”

Mary and Hestia exchanged mischievous smiles. They had spent the previous evening—while Emmeline was tossing and turning in her bed after saying goodnight early, saying she needed a good night’s sleep for the match—constructing large, sparkling signs that read “Go Gryffindor Go!” and “Emmeline is our Queen” (the latter of which sported a large drawing of Em wearing a crown and hovering in front of the Gryffindor goalposts). Emmeline had been slightly embarrassed by this sign, but rather pleased as well.

So as not to show favoritism to one housemate over the others, Dorcas had joined them, making a sign which she could flip around, one side reading “Potter for Prime Minister,” while the other was a large drawing of Marlene on her broom, speeding towards the Snitch with the words “Marlene for the Win.”

“It’s lucky that Mary is such a good artist,” Hestia commented. “I mostly did coloring.”

“Lucky I brought my pencils and things with me,” Mary said, shaking her head in amusement. “I can’t believe wizards still use _quills_ for everything. I mean, I get we’re a wizarding school, but is it really worth making our lives so much more difficult just for the aesthetic?”

Emmeline and Hestia laughed. “Dorcas cast some spells to make the pictures move and sparkle and things,” Hestia continued. “We thought it turned out rather nicely.”

“They were certainly very noticeable,” Emmeline said, smiling. Hestia and Mary laughed. “But really, thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No problem,” Mary said, smiling.

When the three girls finally reached the common room, the celebrations were already in full swing. There was food on a large table by the fire, which Emmeline eagerly headed towards, feeling famished after playing for so long. Before she could reach for it, however, Sam appeared in front of her, a harried look on his face.

“Don’t eat the chocolate eclairs,” he warned. “Someone put something in them that made Christopher’s ears turn into kumquats. I think it was James.”

“Didn’t James have to get his wrist fixed in the Hospital Wing?” Emmeline asked, smiling slightly and picking up a custard cream instead.

“Yeah, but it took all of five seconds for Madam Pomfrey to heal it, and then they went to the kitchens to get all of this food.” Sam said distractedly, vanishing the offending pastries.

“Well, thanks for the tip,” Emmeline said, smiling. “I guess I’ll leave you to try to keep order.”

Sam laughed. “That is my unofficial job description, I suppose,” he said.

Emmeline smiled at him. “Try to have some fun, too, though,” she said. “We won, after all. You deserve it.”

“Thanks, Emmeline,” Sam said. “I’ll try, when I’m not trying to keep my underage teammates from getting too drunk on firewhiskey.” He headed off into the crowd, and Emmeline smiled to herself. She shoved the custard cream into her mouth, then headed up the girl’s dormitory staircase towards her room. She wanted to put her Quidditch bag down and change into something a bit more suitable for the party, rather than her Quidditch sweats.

She found Hestia there, looking like she had just finished changing, too. Hestia looked up in surprise. “You’re not ditching your own party already, are you?” She asked. Emmeline laughed, and shook her head.

“Just came to change.”

“Oh, well, good,” Hestia replied. “You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labors.”

Emmeline smiled to herself, then turned her back on her friend, moving to grab some clothes from her dresser and change into them while Hestia was turned away from her. When she turned back around, her friend was tucking away her Gryffindor sweater in a drawer, which she had worn to the game.

“You looked pretty confident when you got out onto the pitch,” Hestia remarked casually. “I was surprised, since you looked like you were about to puke when I last saw you at breakfast.”

“Yeah, well, Sam gave me a bit of a pep talk,” Emmeline said. “It was really helpful.”

“Oh?” Hestia asked casually, glancing at her friend.

“He told me that I had to just go out there and play for me, and not for anyone else,” Emmeline said, avoiding her friend’s gaze, knowing the “I told you so” look on Hestia’s face even out of the corner of her eye.

“That’s good advice,” Hestia said, a slight smile playing across her lips. Emmeline laughed slightly, moving to fold her clothes on her bed. Then she straightened back up, turning to look at her friend again. There was a pause as she tried to find the words.

“Thanks, Tia,” Emmeline said finally, giving her friend a small smile. “For making me focus on myself for once, these last few weeks. I think I needed it.”

“Of course,” Hestia said. “I was a little worried I was pushing you too hard, to be honest. You seemed pretty annoyed.”

“I was,” Emmeline said, smiling amusedly. “I didn’t want to listen to you, because, well...taking care of other people is easy for me. It’s where I’m most comfortable,” Emmeline admitted, shrugging and looking down sheepishly.

“I know it is,” Hestia said, giving Emmeline a kind smile. “But sometimes what’s most comfortable isn’t the best thing. It’s good to be good at taking care of other people, but it’s also good to be good at taking care of yourself, you know?”

“I guess I’m learning that, now,” Emmeline said, smiling. As Hestia stood up and moved over to her mirror, hooking a pair of hoop earrings into her earlobes, Emmeline realized that perhaps her friend had been taking care of her all along, too, without her even realizing it.


	11. To Build A Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: allusions to/mentions of abuse, implication of homophobic slur

The summer of 1974 was both dryer and hotter than was usual for London, but within the dark and desolate house on Grimmauld Place, it was still as cold as ever. It was unclear whether this was something about the insulation of the old house, which had been lived in by many generations of Blacks, or if it had to do with its magic. Either way, even on the fourth floor of the place, where Regulus and Sirius had their bedrooms, it was cool all day. Sirius joked to Regulus one day when their parents weren’t around that the frigidity of the house was due to the frigidity of the people who lived in it. Regulus had laughed despite himself.

The cold wasn’t uncomfortable, however, and in some ways it quite reminded Regulus of the Slytherin dormitories. For Regulus, going home for the summer wasn’t the happiest event. He now thought he understood why Sirius always seemed far away since he had returned home for the first time from Hogwarts. Hogwarts castle, with its delicious feasts, crackling fires, and picturesque grounds, felt much more inviting than this gloomy house. Regulus, too, couldn’t help his yearning for the place that felt just as much like home as their house in London, if not more.

Regulus’ first year at Hogwarts hadn’t been exactly what he had expected. Of course, he had heard many tales from his older brother about the famed school ever since Sirius had first returned home for Christmas during his first year. Then, Regulus had been ten, and he had eagerly drank in all of Sirius’ memories and stories, amazed at the colorful world which Sirius had so eagerly described.

Sirius had told him all about the grounds, ghosts, hidden passageways, his classes, and the adventures he went on. Going to Hogwarts himself, Regulus suspected that his own life there was not quite as exciting as Sirius’ stories led him to believe his older brother’s was. He wasn’t sure if this was because of Sirius’ natural talent for dramatics in storytelling, or something else, but he had a suspicion that it was the latter. 

Regulus learned quickly in his first year at Hogwarts, when he observed his brother with the other Gryffindors, that Sirius’ friends were loyal to him, and he marveled at how happy his older brother looked when he was around them. Regulus also knew that by the end of his first year, he had not made the kind of friends that Sirius had. He was moderately friendly with some of the boys in his dormitory, but didn’t know that much about them. Some of them he found, quite frankly, repulsive.

Luckily for him, Narcissa had taken Regulus under her wing. In her capacity as not only a seventh year, but also the Head Girl, this had made quite the difference in Regulus’ life at Hogwarts. While the other Slytherins would sometimes mutter about Sirius, shooting Regulus contemptuous looks, they never dared to say anything outright to him about his brother with Narcissa around. Even if she wasn’t nearby, everyone knew that whatever they did or said would circle back to her in the end. So they kept their silence, and Regulus was glad of it.

He had been surprised at how friendly and accepting his older cousin had been of him, since they had barely ever spoken to each other personally before, and because she was six years older than him. Sirius had always scoffed to Regulus after family events that Narcissa needed a stick removed from her arse, as she moved around like a robot and sat so straight in her chair she must have an iron post for a spine.

Within the safety of the Slytherin common room, however, Narcissa was different. She lounged on the couches, laughing with her friends and her boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy. She spoke to Regulus with familiarity, asking him to sit with her sometimes and giving him advice for his classes. They never talked about Sirius, or her older sister, Andromeda. Still, she didn’t give him lectures about how to be a good pureblood, either, so he was happy to skirt the topic of their family in general.

Even with Narcissa’s protection, however, Regulus longed for what Sirius had: true friends. Whenever Sirius told stories about Hogwarts, both before Regulus had joined him there and after, he knew that Sirius was being careful, was holding things back. He never introduced Regulus to his friends, and Regulus only knew their faces by sight, and their names from overhearing other students talking about them.

Regulus had become exceptionally good, over his lifetime living with his brother, at detecting when Sirius was lying. Of course, Sirius hadn’t lied much—at least not to Regulus—when they had been younger, but in the last few years before Sirius had gone to Hogwarts, Sirius’ lies had begun to pile up.

At first, Regulus wasn’t suspicious of Sirius’ periodic disappearances. Their house was large, and he never looked too hard to find Sirius when he went missing. It was an old habit of Regulus’, really. Those hours after Sirius was punished by their father or mother, Sirius would hide, and Regulus knew well enough by the age of five that in these moments, his older brother wanted to be left alone. If Regulus looked hard, he knew that he would eventually walk in on Sirius in an abandoned cupboard, in the small gap between the last bookshelf and the wall in the library, sitting on a window seat behind thick curtains in the drawing room, or somewhere similar. But he didn’t look, because he knew that Sirius liked to be left to his own thoughts, and to approach him at these times would only cause him to lash out like a wounded dog.

Still, Sirius began to go missing more and more in the last two years before he left for Hogwarts, and Regulus grew accordingly more and more suspicious. Throwing caution to the winds, he began to search the house thoroughly for his brother after a few months of him going missing multiple times a week. Regulus tried to do this discreetly, always abandoning his search if his parents or Kreacher asked what he was doing, but after a few weeks of this, Regulus had come to the startling conclusion that Sirius was actually leaving the house when he would disappear at these times.

_ Why _ Sirius was leaving the house on his own was a mystery that Regulus had never been able to unravel, and for some reason, he balked at the idea of asking his older brother about his excursions. Clearly, Sirius was both determined to keep exploring London—if that indeed was what he was doing—on his own, and to keep it a secret from all of the inhabitants of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. Regulus felt that confronting his brother about it might disrupt some delicate balance within his brother, and it was obvious to him that Sirius’ adventures were making him happy, so he held his tongue. Nevertheless, he felt more than a little hurt that Sirius didn’t trust him enough to tell him about what he was doing.

Therefore, Regulus knew more than his brother wanted him to, both about his escapades in their childhood, and what he got up to at school. Even since Sirius’ first night at Hogwarts, when their mother had received a letter from Narcissa telling her that Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor House, Regulus had been privy to all of his brother’s actions at school in the form of angry narrations from their mother. Indeed, Narcissa had continued to send her aunt updates on Sirius’ behavior throughout his first year, reporting that Sirius had become best friends with a blood traitor and two half-bloods, as well as consorting with multiple Muggle-borns in his year.

Regulus wondered if Sirius imagined that he had not heard about his antics through their parents, that they had kept it from him. If this was the case, he was sorely mistaken. With every new letter, Regulus was treated to not only a bout of screaming profanity from his mother, but also a stern lecture from his father about how to behave properly when he finally arrived at Hogwarts.

When Regulus himself had started Hogwarts, he had been overwhelmingly relieved that he would no longer have to endure his parents’ reactions to whatever Sirius was doing. However, he also knew that he would have to behave himself, doing all the right things, if he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of the admonishments that Sirius got whenever he returned home for the holidays.

Sirius had always been the one who got the most punishments out of the two boys in their childhood, but the level of punishment had increased drastically since Sirius had returned home from his first year at Hogwarts. All of the pent-up rage Walburga Black had been harbouring against her eldest son in the months when he was gone were released in deafening screaming matches, among other things. The difference was also in the fact that Sirius, for the first time that Regulus could remember, was beginning to answer back when their mother taunted him.

If approaching Sirius while he was licking his wounds after a punishment was to risk being snapped at by a wounded animal, talking back to Walburga when she was exploding with rage was like stabbing a sword into a sleeping dragon. Watching Sirius yell back at their mother, Regulus felt his breath catch in his throat, his heartbeat increase as he looked frantically from one to the other, wishing his brother would just  _ shut up _ before he got hurt. The part of Sirius’ brain that held any self-preservation instinct, however, seemed to have been turned off ever since he had been sorted into Gryffindor. Regulus wondered dryly sometimes, when he felt irrationally angry with his brother, lying alone in his bed at night in the big house—which felt empty without Sirius—whether this was courage or just plain stupidity.

Of course, Sirius and Walburga finally reached the peak of their conflict during Christmas dinner almost two years previously. Regulus didn’t like to think about that night, about almost carrying his older brother—then thirteen—up the stairs to his bedroom, about Sirius collapsing onto his bed, looking as lifeless as a doll. Regulus had been just eleven then.

Now Regulus was twelve, and he was still waiting for the moment when he would stop being terrified for his older brother when they were home together.

Sirius was his usual cheery self with Regulus so far that summer. When Sirius had sought out Regulus on Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, after they had both descended the Hogwarts Express, he had ruffled Regulus’ short hair affectionately and said, “How does it feel to belong to the house that finished last in the Quidditch Cup this year, Reg?”

Regulus had rolled his eyes and pulled away from his brother. “We only finished third in the House Cup, though.”

“Ah, technicalities,” Sirius had said, smirking teasingly down at his brother. Sirius’ hair had grown considerably over his time at Hogwarts, having been barely trimmed in his whole three years. It drove their mother crazy, which Regulus supposed was part of the draw for Sirius. “I’m sure Cissy’s disappointed that her initiative as Head Girl didn’t bolster Slytherin House’s success this year. Usually your house does much better.”

Regulus had only rolled his eyes again, not responding to Sirius’ teasing as they turned to find Kreacher waiting to take them back to Grimmauld Place.

Still, Sirius’ joking and cheerful manner around Regulus had become decidedly more forced as they had progressed into the summer, and he made very little attempt to stay civil around their parents. Even as Sirius had gotten better at taking what their mother now routinely threw at him, Regulus felt as if he was watching something crack within his brother, something essential that he didn’t think could ever be fixed. Sometimes, Regulus wanted to break down and beg his brother to keep his mouth shut, if not for his own safety, then so that Regulus could stop waking up from nightmares full of flashes of light and screaming. He knew Sirius would never back down, though, so he didn’t try.

One day in early August, the two Black brothers were sitting in Sirius’ room, Regulus watching as Sirius fasten several hangings to the wall which one of his friends had sent him by owl the previous day.

“You’re really serious about his?” Regulus asked him doubtfully as Sirius held up a Gryffindor banner over his bed, trying to see where the best place for it would be.

“I’m always serious, Reg,” Sirius said, turning to give his younger brother a wink and a smile.

“But mum will kill you,” Regulus said, his voice apprehensive. Sirius let out a short, mirthless laugh, and pulled his wand from his pocket, casting a quick sticking charm so that the banner fastened itself to the wall. (Sirius was rather cavalier about using magic outside of school within the Black house, as he had pointed out to Regulus that it couldn’t be detected as long as they were around an adult witch or wizard.) Sirius stepped down from the bed, grabbing another poster from the floor.

“She hasn’t killed me yet,” Sirius said, unrolling the poster and examining it critically. “Anyway, I’ve been a Gryffindor for three years now. At some point, mother will have to get used to it.”

He turned the poster around to show Regulus, whose eyes widened. “Please tell me you’re joking.” Sirius laughed again, with a little more sincere humor in his voice this time.

“Not a fan of Bowie, Reg?”

Regulus stared at him, shaking his head in amazement. “I’ve never listened to any Muggle music, Sirius, you know that.”

“Well, lucky for you, one of my friends gave me a cassette player for Christmas,” Sirius said, striding over to his trunk and pulling out an unfamiliar rectangular object, putting what Regulus assumed was a tape into it, and pressing play. The soft sound of music began to drift out of it, and Regulus listened as he watched Sirius move around his room, looking for a place to put up his Ziggy Stardust poster. When the first song finished, Sirius turned to Regulus, raising his eyebrows.

“So?”

“It was good, I guess,” Regulus admitted. He looked down at the ground, picking up the corner of another poster and turning it over. He snorted, rolling his eyes as he saw that it depicted a stationary, Muggle picture of a bikini-clad girl. He wasn’t even going to bother commenting on that one.

The movement of the poster had revealed a smaller photograph beneath it, however, and Regulus bent from his chair to pick it up curiously. The photograph was of four boys, standing arm in arm, laughing at the camera. The photograph had been taken in front of the lake on the grounds, Regulus realized. Of course, he recognized Sirius immediately. The other boys were relatively easy to identify, too, because he had seen his older brother with them so many times at meals, in the corridors, and out on the grounds.

To Sirius’ left was James Potter, Sirius’ best friend. He had medium brown skin and untidy black hair, the camera flash reflecting off his slightly crooked glasses, his grin wide. James, Regulus knew, was the son of Fleamont Potter, who had invented some famous hair potion, and Euphemia Potter, another famous potioneer. His family was very rich and pureblooded, but they were all blood traitors, from what his mother had said. 

On James’ other side was Remus Lupin, who had light brown hair and blue eyes, his smile happy but more tentative than the two boys in the middle. Regulus didn’t know much about Remus other than that he was rather quieter than James and Sirius, and was a half-blood. In Regulus’ second week at Hogwarts, he had bumped head-on into Remus in the corridor outside of the library when Remus had had his head buried in a book, not looking where he was going. Looking up after they had collided briefly, Remus apologized quickly, but his words faltered slightly as he looked into Regulus’ eyes, a look of slight shock on his face. 

Regulus, feeling uncomfortable, had muttered an apology himself and then ducked around him into the library. He thought he had seem something more than shock in the older boy’s gaze, and he hadn’t liked it. Was it pity? Regulus had heard the story of Sirius’ boggart from the Slytherins in Sirius’ year in the first week of classes, and he hated the idea that this boy, who Regulus knew nothing about, knew what happened in his house, to his brother.  _ Had Sirius told his friends about what had been happening ever since the Christmas of his second year? _ Regulus wondered. He didn’t ask Sirius. He didn’t want to think about it.

On Sirius’ right, there was a small, plump boy with short blonde hair, by the name of Peter Pettigrew. Regulus knew even less about this boy than the other two, as even when he overheard the other Slytherins muttering about Sirius and his friends, they rarely mentioned Pettigrew at all.

“Can you hand me that—” Sirius said, turning, then breaking off as he caught sight of Regulus looking down at the picture in his hands. “Oh,” Sirius said, looking shifty all of a sudden. Then he composed himself again. “Could you hand me that poster from the floor?”

Regulus did, and Sirius went back to hanging it up on his wall. Regulus was silent for another moment, then he spoke. “You know, you never talk about your friends,” he said, looking at Sirius, who had his back to him as he charmed the poster of the Muggle girl to his wall. Sirius’ arm twitched slightly in response to Regulus’ question, but he didn’t turn around.

“Well, you’ve never asked me about them,” came Sirius’ careful reply, and Regulus sighed in frustration.

“Maybe I’m asking now,” Regulus said. He realized, then, how desperate he was for answers about the people his older brother spend his time around, even if he had been reluctant to ask before.

Sirius turned, fixing his younger brother with a hesitant look. “What do you want to know, then?”

“I don’t know,” Regulus said, shrugging. “Anything. James Potter, he’s the one you spent a week with last summer, right? And Christmas?”

Sirius frowned. “How do you know about Christmas? I told mum I was spending it at Hogwarts.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I saw you on the platform, Sirius. I didn’t tell our parents about it, though, don’t worry.”

Sirius smiled slightly. “Yeah, I spent Christmas with James’ family, as well as that week last summer.” He pauses slightly, then gave his brother another piercing look. “Have you been keeping tabs on me, Reg?”

“You don’t tell me much,” Regulus replied, a little defensively. “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hear things from other people, you know.”

“From mum?”

“Narcissa used to send her letters about what you were up to, yes,” Regulus admitted. “And from some of the other Slytherins.”

“What did they tell you about me?” Sirius said, stiffening. Regulus hesitated, looking at his brother. He decided against saying anything about the boggart.

“They don’t say much  _ to _ me,” he said. “I overhear bits and pieces, not much. Just about who you hang around with and stuff. They call you a blood traitor.”

“And what do you think? Do you think I’m a blood traitor?”

“Well, you’re friends with an awful lot of them,” Regulus pointed out. His voice was neutral, and he looked at his older brother curiously, wanting to understand.

Sirius sighed. “Those terms mean nothing, Reg, you know?” He said, running a hand through his long hair. “Blood traitor, half-blood, pureblood…” He didn’t say the last one, but Regulus could sense it hanging in the air, had heard it so many times from his mother’s and father’s mouths, and from the other Slytherins.

“I’m not sure how to explain to you all the stuff that I’ve found out when I’m not in this house,” he said. “But it’s all bullshit, Reg. The pureblood crap, it doesn’t make us better than anyone else.”

Regulus stared at Sirius, thinking of how much he sounded like Andromeda right before she had run from their house, never to return. “I  _ don’t _ understand, Sirius,” he said finally. “I’m sorry, but I don’t get it. I don’t know where you were going all those years when you were leaving the house, I don’t know what you were doing, and you never told me. And now you won’t even try to explain this, so I’m not sure how I can ever understand it.”

Sirius stared at him for a moment, then walked over and pulled out his desk chair, straddling it to face Regulus so that the two boys were almost at eye level, though Sirius was still a few inches taller, even sitting down. “You knew about that?” He asked after a moment, his voice low. Regulus nodded slowly.

“Look, this is just the kind of thing I’m talking about,” he started, feeling angry now. “You treat me like I can never understand things, like I don’t notice things, but I  _ do _ , Sirius. I’m not stupid, and I’m not just some little kid that you have to hide the hard stuff from because I can’t handle it. I’ve been handling the hard stuff for years, whether you want to acknowledge it or not.”

The two brothers stared at each other for another moment, and Regulus felt a bit of satisfaction seeing the startled look in Sirius’ eyes. There was something else behind it, however, and when Sirius spoke, Regulus realized that it was hurt. “Not like I have,” Sirius said quietly, his voice reproachful. “You do understand that I’ve been trying to protect you all these years, right?”

Regulus looked down, breaking their eye contact, feeling slightly ashamed of himself. Of course he knew. He had known since they were children. But still… “Maybe you should think about protecting yourself for once,” he said, looking back up to look at his older brother. “If you didn’t always pick a fight—”

Sirius groaned, leaning back slightly and shaking his head. “You don’t get it, Reg, I can’t just shut my mouth. Sometimes I think I can, but…” He sighed, running a hand through his hair again. Regulus wondered if this was a habit he had picked up from his friend, James, since his friend’s hair was always so messy.

“Look, maybe you won the genetic lottery with our family or something,” Sirius said, giving Regulus a wry smile. “But for me, it just feels impossible not to rise to the bait. I got my temper from mum, I guess. And they’re my friends, Regulus. Do you get that? When our parents are talking about blood traitors, half-bloods, and Muggle-borns, those are my friends they’re cussing out.”

This, for the first time, gave Regulus pause. He had never thought about this before, never realized that as soon as Sirius had gone to Hogwarts, their parents’ tirades had become personal to him. “Okay, well tell me about your friends, then,” he demanded, petulantly.

“Well, they’re quite bonkers, really,” he said, smiling genuinely for the first time in a while. “But brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. James is my best mate, and he’s absolutely hilarious. Arrogant little berk, of course, but he’d die for any one of his friends. And kill for us, too, probably, but that would take a bit more. His parents are great, too. Euphemia and Fleamont Potter. They actually cook for themselves, you know, no house elves in their house. Euphemia makes this amazing dahl soup...I never realized how few spices English people use in their cooking before I went to their house. Didn’t know how much I was missing out before then.”

Regulus looked down at the picture in his hands. James laughed at the camera, his arm around Sirius. Regulus saw the casual arrogance in his stance, but also the carefree smile on his face. He wondered what it would like to be James Potter, with his two adoring parents and loving family. He pushed the thought out of his head quickly, his eyes going to the light brown-haired boy in the picture, whose blue eyes looked steadily back at him from the photograph.

“What about Remus Lupin?” He asked, looking up at his brother. 

“Remus is great,” Sirius started, a smile breaking across his face again as he thought about his friend, the look in his eyes far away. “Total bookworm, remembers every single thing he reads, and he’s great at pretending to be all rule-following for the teachers, but when it comes down to it he’s the mastermind behind all of our best pranks and things. Sarcastic little shit, too. He’s, well…” A strange expression flickered across Sirius’ face at that moment, barely there long enough for Regulus to register it. Still, he knew, in that moment, that Sirius was about to hold something back again.

“He’s a really amazing person,” Sirius finished rather lamely. Regulus narrowed his eyes at Sirius, but didn’t ask him to elaborate. He remembered the look Remus had given him, and the thought occurred to him that maybe the older boy had been startled by the resemblance between him and his older brother, which he had been told before was striking. Everyone in the family had the same grey eyes, of course, but he and Sirius had the same nose, the same mouth, the same cheekbones... Obviously, Remus and Sirius were close. Suddenly, Regulus didn’t seem to mind the thought that Remus might know what was going on in the house as much as before.

Sirius continued. “Then there’s Pete. I didn’t take to him right away, to be honest, in first year, but he got over his twitchiness around us after a bit, and he’s actually quite clever, and funny. Good at sneaking around, and always on board to cause some mischief. Marlene and Dorcas both knew James from before Hogwarts, and they hang around a lot, too. Marley’s hilarious, and reckless sometimes, to be honest...Stubborn and competitive as hell, that one, so she’s got herself in a few more scrapes than she should because of that. Dorcas is probably the smartest person I’ve ever met in my life, she’s basically top of everything, as well as being one of the friendliest people you’ll ever meet. Dee kind of calms Marley down a lot of times, but if Dee is angry, well...I envy anyone who’s in her way. I dunno, Reg...they’re all amazing, y’know? I feel lucky to have them.”

He looked at Regulus, happiness shining in his grey eyes as he talked about his friends, and in that moment, Regulus felt more distant from his brother than he had ever done in his whole life. He had asked about Sirius’ friends to feel closer to him, but now he saw it: Sirius had a new family. A family who made him happy, who gave him Christmas and birthday presents, who thought like him and fought for what he believed in because they believed in it, too.

“Are you going to stay with James for part of the summer again?” Regulus asked, his heart sinking into his stomach.

“Yeah, he invited me,” Sirius said. “I reckon I can get mum and dad to let me go a few weeks before the end of the summer, maybe. They’re already so sick of me, it shouldn’t be hard.”

Regulus nodded, trying to swallow the emotion welling up in his throat. Part of him wanted to beg his brother to stay with him, but another part of him wished Sirius could just leave right then.  _ He’s already gone _ , a small voice said in the back of Regulus’ head, and he tried to push it away.  _ He’s been gone for years _ , the voice insisted. Regulus shoved it away again, and tried to smile at his brother.

“That will be nice, I guess,” he said, trying to look happy for him. Sirius grinned back.

“Yeah, it will,” he said, and Regulus knew that his brain was already there, at James Potter’s house, eating food cooked by his loving parents who had probably never said a harsh word to him ever, and being with his friends.

_ At least when he’s gone you won’t have to worry about him _ , the small voice said in his head again when he got ready for bed that night. Regulus sighed, realizing the voice was right. Sirius was probably better off with the Potters, and with all of his other new friends, where he was safe. He climbed under his covers, turning onto his side pulling his pillow over his ear and pressing down. He was used to doing this, after all these nights.  _ I definitely won’t miss the screaming _ , he thought to himself as he began to drift off to sleep.

....

Walburga Black had thrown a fit when she had seen Sirius’ new decorations for his room. While the Gryffindor banner might have been bad enough, she went absolutely nuts when she saw the pictures of Muggle girls on his wall. Their father, Orion, however, had been much angrier in response to Sirius’ Bowie poster. He had called Sirius a word that Regulus had never heard before, and disappeared with him into the drawing room for even longer than usual.

After that, their parents seemed almost relieved at Sirius’ request the spend the last three weeks of the summer with his friend, James. Sirius had sent his owl, Caspian, to tell James that he could come sooner than expected, and the next day Sirius left by floo powder for the Potter house.

The house felt very empty again without Sirius in it, but Regulus was used to this by now. He had spent many lonely months without Sirius after he had gone to Hogwarts, and had long since figured out some ways to quench the feeling of emptiness. Sometimes he wandered the big house aimlessly, other times he read in the library, or talked with Kreacher as he cleaned. He knew Sirius didn’t like the elf much, probably because Kreacher had learned to hate Sirius from Walburga’s rants about him when he was gone, but Kreacher had always been good to Regulus.

These days, when all of these things failed to make Regulus feel less alone, he would go into Sirius’ room and lie on his brother’s bed and just stare around at the walls. Sirius had managed to cover almost all of the wallpaper with his banners and posters, all of which were stuck there with a permanent sticking charm, something which their mother found out when she tried to remove them after Sirius had left. This had caused another fit, of course, and Orion Black had had to step in to prevent her from setting everything in the room on fire.

As Regulus gazed around at the wall hangings, he wished that he could see through them and understand what was going on in his older brother’s head. The posters remained stationary and lifeless, however, yielding no answers. The only thing that moved in the room, other than Regulus, was the small picture of Sirius and his friends, which he had pasted next to his bed. Sometimes, Regulus would roll onto his side and gaze at it, thinking about how he had never seen Sirius that happy in this house, and wondering if he was laughing with James Potter right then, safe away from Grimmauld Place.

The three weeks went very slowly for Regulus, but he still felt almost surprised when September 1st was upon him and he was set to return to Hogwarts. This year, his father brought him to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, giving him a gruff goodbye before Regulus boarded the train back to Hogwarts.

When the train began to move, Regulus walked down the corridors, searching for someone he knew to sit with. He caught sight of Sirius sitting with with Gryffindor roommates, a broad smile on his face as he gazed at Remus Lupin, who seemed to be telling an animated story, holding up something that was blocked from Regulus’ view for the other boys to see. Regulus sighed and moved past their compartment quickly.

Eventually, Regulus found himself seated in a compartment with some of his Slytherin roommates, including Barty Crouch Jr., Amycus Carrow, and John Selwyn. Regulus had always liked Barty a bit more than his other roommates, while he found John tolerable, if a bit dim, and Amycus positively repellant.

Clearly, Amycus felt the same way at him. As soon as Regulus entered their compartment, both Amycus and his twin sister Alecto, who was sitting with them as well, fixed him with identical glares. It took a while for Regulus to become annoyed with the persistent staring, but eventually he snapped at Amycus.

“What are you looking at, Carrow?”

“Nothing,” Amycus sneered. “I heard your parents finally gave your blood-traitor brother the boot this summer.”

“You heard wrong, then,” Regulus said, glaring back at the shorter boy.

“It’s only a matter of time, though, isn’t it?” Amycus asked, his sneer becoming even more pronounced. “If he’s always associating with blood-traitors and mudbloods. Reckon it runs in your family, though, doesn’t it? Didn’t your older cousin shack up with a mudblood?”

“Piss off,” Regulus muttered, looking away from Amycus. Alecto let out a sinister little giggle, but neither twin said anything more about the subject.

Soon, Regulus realized that his confrontation with Amycus was not the last of the sort he would have to endure over the course of the year. What he had not anticipated—though he supposed he should have—was that now that Narcissa had graduated, the other Slytherins had no reason to keep their nasty thoughts about Sirius to themselves anymore.

So, at the beginning of his second year, Regulus was barraged with taunts about his older brother from his fellow Slytherins. It was not just his roommates, either, it was every single Slytherin who had been the butt of a Gryffindor joke or prank who wanted a go at him. It didn’t matter that Regulus was a Black; Slytherin House was full of prominent pureblooded names, and they were all content to use Regulus as an outlet for their disdain and anger.

Soon, Regulus had exhausted the limits of what he could take. There were only so many times he could tell them to “piss off,” and he felt even more isolated than when he had been all alone in Grimmauld Place.

He changed his tactics.

When older Slytherins called out to him in the common room, saying, “Hey, Black, I heard your brother is about to get blasted off the family tree,” he started to turn and look them dead in the eyes with an arrogant, detached smirk on his face, shooting back: “Serves him right for the scum he hangs around these days.”

If in the dormitory, Amycus or John sneered, “Your brother and his blood traitor and half-blood friends need to learn their place, they’re not fit to wipe dirt off my shoes,” Regulus grit his teeth and forced a cold laugh, saying, “You’re telling me, I’m the one who had to spend most of the summer with that blood-traitor.”

At the Slytherin table at mealtimes, when Snape or another 4th year Slytherin would make a sly comment about Sirius and his friends, Regulus would scowl and nod, saying “He doesn’t even deserve the name of Black, I’m embarrassed to call him my brother.”

These tactics seemed to work, as, for the first time since the first of September, the other Slytherins seemed to lose interest in taunting him. Some older students even began to acknowledge him in the corridors, or nod to him as he passed in the common room. By this, Regulus concluded that he had passed some sort of unspoken test, and that the Slytherins had finally decided that he was one of them, and began to treat him accordingly.

Nevertheless, at night, lying in his four-poster bed with his curtains drawn around him, Regulus would stare up at the ceiling, echoes of his words playing over in his head.  _ Did I really say all those things? _ He asked himself, feeling both revolted and scared.

Another small voice would pipe up, then, reminding him,  _ You’re just surviving. He’s got it good for himself, Sirius, with his Gryffindor friends. He doesn’t know what you have to go through. You don’t owe him anything _ .

Regulus wasn’t sure if he really believed it. As he rolled over on his side in his bed, he drew the pillow over his head in habit, then stopped himself. The screaming was in his own head this time, and he couldn’t drown it out, or make it go away.

Still, as he stared over at the Gryffindor table the next morning, looking at Sirius, who was laughing with James Potter and Marlene McKinnon, he tried to convince himself again that he was doing the right thing. Sirius would never know about the measures he had gone to fit in in Slytherin House, anyway, so what did it matter? Still, the little voice in his head begged, over and over again:  _ Please forgive me, Sirius. Please don’t hate me for trying to survive. _


	12. Between Worlds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Biden won!!! So excited to have a president who is not Trump, and not actively trying to take away my and other people's rights 24/7. Anyway, it's been a stressful week, so I hope you enjoy the chapter!

The first of September at the beginning of Mary’s fourth year at Hogwarts was bright and cold, King’s Cross crowded with commuters. Paul Macdonald, Mary’s stepfather, had driven her the long distance from their home in Cornwall all the way to London the previous day, and they had stayed in the Leaky Cauldron overnight before he brought her to King’s Cross station in the morning.

Mary was happy to be going back to Hogwarts, and to see all of her friends, but she would miss her little world in Cornwall. In Cornwall, Mary was nothing but a girl, and she had Muggle friends who she did simple, fun things with, which had nothing to do with magic, and everything to do with being a teenager. She would miss the simplicity of her identity in the Muggle world.

In the wizarding world, Mary was sometimes exhausted by the politics of it all. She had never thought, when she discovered that she was a witch, that her life in the wizarding world would be so complicated. From the moment that she had arrived at Hogwarts, she was made aware of her blood status on an almost daily basis. These instances ranged from pureblood elitists sneering at her in the corridors and in classes, to people giving her back-handed compliments about being good at subjects “for a Muggle-born.”

Still, Mary endured it. She wished, however, that she had more people to talk to about it. The only other Muggle-born that she was friends with was Lily, and she was reluctant to broach the topic with Lily, given her friendship with Snape. Of course, all of her friends would defend Mary if a pureblooded student decided to have a go at her, but, not being Muggle-borns themselves, they didn’t truly understand.

Mary tried to push these thoughts out of her mind as she approached the barrier dividing the Muggle world from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, however. Paul looked over at her, giving her a small, nervous smile as he met her eyes.

“I always hate this part,” he admitted, laughing slightly. Mary smiled back.

“It’s okay, dad,” she replied, offering him her hand. “We can go together.” Paul smiled gratefully and took her small hand in his larger one, and, looking around furtively first, they walked towards the apparently solid barrier, passing through it onto Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.

Mary blinked rapidly as she took in the sight of the platform, bustling with activity, in front of her. Quickly, she steered them away from the barrier so that if anyone came through behind them, they would not get hit, then stopped for a moment just to take in the sight of all the students coming back for another year at Hogwarts. A wide smile broke across her face, and she turned to beam at her step-father, who smiled back enthusiastically.

“Shall we get your trunk onto the train, then?” He asked, putting an affectionate hand on her shoulder. She nodded vigorously, smiling widely up at him, and together they pushed her trolley through the crowd to a door of the train. Once they had lifted her heavy trunk into the luggage compartment, they stood back from the train, and Mary looked around to the milling crowd.

“Looking for your friends?” Paul asked.

“Yeah, I was just thinking that if I saw one of them I’d—” Mary began, then broke off, catching sight of a head of sleek, dark brown hair. “Tia!” She exclaimed, running towards the other girl.

Hestia Jones turned around, looking for the person who had called her name curiously, then caught sight of Mary bounding towards her. Her face broke into a wide smile, her cheeks rosy as always and her eyes dancing with their usual mirth. She spread her arms wide, and Mary ran into them, the two girls clinging to one another, laughing in delight.

Hestia had grown an inch or two over the summer, while Mary stayed as short as ever, so their hug was slightly more awkward than usual. Mary barely cleared five feet tall, and her doctor at home told her that she would likely not grow much more, a fact which she was rather put out about. All the other girls in her dormitory were taller than her, though her Ravenclaw friend, Miranda, was about her same height.

Indeed, when Hestia and Mary broke apart, Hestia grinned down at her, remarking jokingly, “Did you get  _ shorter _ ?”

“You got taller,” Mary said, frowning and crossing her arms. Hestia laughed, running a careless hand through her silky hair.

“If you think  _ I’ve  _ gotten tall, just wait until you see Marley,” she said, looking around for their friend. “I spotted her a few minutes ago, or at least I  _ think _ it was her. I thought us girls were supposed to get tall steadily over time, but I swear she shot up another couple of inches over the summer.”

“Great, that’s all I need,” Mary said, though she was grinning. “ _ More  _ short jokes from Marley.”

“Where are your parents?” Hestia asked, looking behind her. “Mine just left.”

“My step-dad brought me,” Mary said. “He’s back there, if you want to meet him, I thought I could introduce you two.”

“That would be amazing!” Hestia said, bouncing excitedly, her dark eyes twinkling. “I’ve heard so many great things about Paul, I’d love to meet him.”

Mary smiled, and led Hestia back towards Paul, who was waiting patiently, his hands stuck in the pockets of his blue jeans, watching the two girls from afar. Paul, too, towered over Mary and her mother, Elizabeth, who was also short. Mary wondered if Clem would be taller than her when she was older. At present, she not yet three years old, and not even three feet tall, so there would be a while to go before than would happen, luckily.

“Dad, this is my friend Hestia,” Mary said, nodding to Hestia, who beamed up at Paul. “Hestia, this is my step-dad, Paul.”

“It’s so nice to meet you,” Hestia gushed, sticking out her hand to shake Paul’s, who responded in kind, smiling warmly down at her.

“You too,” he said in his deep, reassuring voice. “Mary’s told me so much about you. I’m glad she’s found friends like you at school.”

“Have you seen any of the others around?” Mary asked Hestia. Hestia looked around, too, and both girls searched the crowd for a minute, but it was only when a figure came flying out of the barrier into Platform Nine and Three-Quarters did their search prove fruitful.

Emmeline Vance, looking harried, was followed closely by a tall, blonde-haired man and dark-haired woman, who must be her parents. Mary and Hestia immediately called out to her, waving her over, and she turned to them, the anxious look on her face fading into a smile as she registered who they were.

“Em!” Hestia exclaimed as she ran towards them, and Emmeline smiled, her long hair streaming behind her, catching them both in a hug at the same time. Mary was a little bit squashed into both of their chests, but she didn’t complain, laughing slightly as Em released them. Emmeline had not grown much over the summer, luckily, as she had already been the tallest in their dormitory at the end of the previous year, though from Hestia’s report, Marlene might overtake her this year. Still, her appearance had changed slightly, as her hair had lightened slightly with the summer sun, and become much less frizzy than it had been the previous year, her waves smooth and pronounced.

“I missed you both so much!” Emmeline exclaimed, smiling at them both.

“We missed  _ you _ ,” Hestia exclaimed, almost bouncing with her excitement.

“Do you want to meet my dad?” Mary asked, nodding over to Paul, who was still standing there, looking around in a bemused way.

“Paul’s here?” Emmeline asked, her eyes widening in surprise and her smile widening. “I’d love to meet him. You can meet my parents, too.” She gestured behind her, beckoning her parents forward.

“Hello, girls,” the dark haired witch said, smiling down at them. “You must be Mary and Hestia, I recognize you from Emmeline’s pictures.”

“This is my mum, Esther,” Emmeline said, nodding to her, smiling. “And my dad, Charlie.”

“It’s so nice to meet you both,” Hestia said, shaking both of their hands, Mary following suit, nodding and smiling in greeting. Emmeline’s father looked quite a bit older than her mother, and both looked very friendly. Mary could see Emmeline in Esther’s brown eyes and the shape of her face, but there was something about Charlie’s steady smile that was familiar, as well, the expression on his face reminding her of the one Emmeline had given her many times. He and his daughter shared the same air of calm that Mary had always loved about her friend, which seemed to seep from her and reach out to everyone in the vicinity when it was needed the most.

“This is my dad, Paul,” Mary said, as he walked up behind them. He smiled at Emmeline’s parents, sticking out a friendly hand. They smiled back, too, accepting his gesture. “Dad, this is Emmeline, and her parents, Charlie and Esther Vance.”

“No Noah?” Hestia asked Emmeline, referring to her younger brother. Emmeline laughed and shook her head, but her mother answered for her.

“Noah’s a bit much to look after, especially in this chaos,” she said, smiling. “I’d worry about him getting lost.”

“My older brother, Benjamin, is looking after him,” Emmeline explained.

“We can get your trunk onto the train, dear,” Esther said to Emmeline, putting a hand on her shoulder briefly. “You catch up with your friends while we do that, and we’ll come back to say goodbye.”

“Thanks, mum, dad,” Emmeline said, smiling and then turning back to Hestia, Mary, and Paul. “Do you have a long trip back, Mr. Macdonald?” She asked Paul, politely. Paul smiled at her.

“Please, call me Paul, Emmeline. It’s quite a drive, though, yeah,” he said. “But nothing I haven’t done before. It’ll be duller than the drive over, though, without my Mare with me.”

Mary smiled at him regretfully. “Hope you won’t get too bored, dad.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about me,” he said, smiling down at her. “I’ve got my tapes, and the radio. I can always listen to infomercials if I get too bored. Just you wait, you’ll get a letter from your mum complaining to you about me humming jingles all day long in a couple of days.”

Mary laughed. “I look forward to it.”

“Are both of your parents magical?” Paul asked Hestia and Emmeline.

“My mum is, but my dad isn’t,” Emmeline explained.

“My parents both are, but they’re both Muggle-borns, like Mary,” Hestia said brightly. “They met at Hogwarts.”

“That’s interesting,” Paul said. “I say, I sometimes can’t believe Mary is really a witch, and she learnt all of this stuff. Your wizarding world is constantly confusing me, I say to Mary all the time, it must be tough to learn a whole new culture so quickly, but she seems to manage so easily.”

“My dad fancies himself a sociologist,” Mary said, smiling affectionately at him. Paul shook his head and grinned down at her.

“What’s a sociologist?” Hestia asked curiously, but before Mary, Emmeline, or Paul could answer, the Vances were back to say goodbye, and the first whistle sounded on the platform, warning that the train would be departing in five minutes.

Hestia headed onto the train to find them a compartment while Mary and Emmeline stayed on the platform to say goodbye to their respective parents. Mary smiled, turning to Paul, and he smiled rather sadly back down at her. She leaned up to wrap her arms around him, and he hugged her back, lifting her off her feet slightly. They clung onto each other for a while like that, and then Paul finally set her down, and they stood back.

“You’ll take care of yourself?” Paul asked.

Mary nodded, smiling. “I will, and I’ll send you lots of updates on everything. You’ll write to me, too? Send me pictures of Clem?”

“Of course we will,” he responded, smiling. “We always do. I’ll miss you, Mare bear.”

“I’ll miss you, too, dad,” Mary said, giving him a last hug, before climbing onto the train, waving to him briefly out of the window, and turning her back on him to find Hestia. Emmeline got on the train a moment later, and they both set out in search of their friend through the packed corridors. It didn’t take long, as Hestia had not actually found them a compartment, but was standing chatting in the corridor with an older Hufflepuff girl, Alice Fortescue.

“Hey, Alice,” Mary said, smiling. Alice had tutored her briefly in Ancient Runes the previous year, and was one of the nicest people she had ever met. “Good summer?”

“It was great!” Alice exclaimed beaming. “It’s so nice to see you again, Mary!”

“It’s really nice to see you, too,” Mary replied, grinning back.

“You got prefect!” Emmeline exclaimed, pointing to the girl’s silver badge gleaming on her robes. Alice smiled brightly.

“Yes, I was so surprised, but pleased of course,” she said, running a hand over her badge humbly. Mary smiled. It made sense that Alice would be surprised, as she was so down-to-earth, but she couldn’t think of anyone who deserved the position more than the fifth year Hufflepuff girl. “It will be a lot of work, though. The patrols and all that.”

“True,” Mary said. “I bet you’ll manage, though.”

“I’ll have to,” Alice said, smiling brightly. “Well, I should go find the prefect’s carriage. See you later!”

“See you, Alice!” The three Gryffindor girls said, waving goodbye as she headed down the corridor.

“Have you heard anything about who the new Gryffindor prefects are?” Emmeline asked Hestia, as they walked in the opposite direction, looking for an empty compartment.

“I think someone said Frank Longbottom and Gracie Peakes,” Hestia said. “They should be good. Frank’s nice, and Gracie’s a bit quiet, but she seems fine, too.”

“Is that Sirius?” Emmeline asked suddenly, pointing ahead of them down the corridor. They all looked to the boy, who was just entering a compartment, and Mary shook her head after a moment of studying him.

“No, it’s his younger brother, Regulus, I think,” she said. They looked quite similar from behind, but Regulus was shorter than Sirius. “They do look very alike, though, it’s eerie.”

“ _ There’s  _ Sirius!” Hestia exclaimed, pointing into a compartment to their left. She was right; inside the compartment sat James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. “Let’s say hi!” Hestia said, smiling and pushing the door open. As the door slid open, all three girls standing in the doorway, the boys started, looking up guiltily. Mary narrowed her eyes at them.

“Hello, boys,” Emmeline said, a laugh in her voice. “Why do you all look like we walked in on you doing something illegal?”

Mary looked to Remus, who she knew the best, and found that his skin was flushed with embarrassment, his blue eyes standing out bright against his red face. His hands fumbled at the catch of his bag, clearly trying to shove something out of sight, but he wasn’t fast enough. Mary gasped, striding over and grabbing it in her hands.

“Remus, is this  _ pot _ ?” She asked, laughing slightly and staring at him in surprise. Remus flushed ever darker red. The rest of the boys were all blushing, too, but none as much as Remus.

“No, of course n—” he said, trying to grab it back. Mary brought the bag to her nose, inhaling, and laughed, handing it back to him.

“It  _ is _ ,” she interrupted, crossing her arms and grinning at him in amusement. “I know what pot smells like, Remus.”

“Pot as in….?” Hestia asked from the door, her eyebrows raised, a look of confusion and surprise on her face.

“Cannabis, marijuana, weed,” Emmeline said, her eyebrows also raised in surprised, but a look of casual amusement on her face as she crossed her arms, too, staring around the compartment at the boys.

“How do  _ you _ know what pot smells like, then?” Remus asked defensively, snatching it from her and stowing in in his bag again. Now it was Mary’s turn to blush slightly.

“My Muggle friends introduced it to me over the summer,” she admitted. “I didn’t know wizards smoked it.”

“Not a lot of them do, I don’t think,” Sirius said, smirking slightly over at Remus, who was still blushing. “So, good summer, Mary?” She got the impression Sirius was trying to change the subject to shield Remus from further embarrassment.

Mary smiled at him. “Yeah, it was good. Yours?” Then she winced internally, wondering if that was an insensitive question to ask. After all, they had all seen his boggart the previous year… 

Sirius just grinned back, however, lounging in his seat carelessly. “Not bad, not bad,” he said carelessly. “Spent the last three weeks with Jamie, here.”

“That sounds nice,” Mary said politely, smiling at James, too, who grinned back at her.

“Hey, there you all are!” Another voice from the doorway said, and Mary turned to find Marlene, who had appeared suddenly between where Hestia and Emmeline, with Dorcas a little bit behind her. Hestia had been correct, Marlene had grown a lot over the summer, now surpassing Emmeline by a good two inches. A wide, familiar smile split her fair, freckled face as she gazed at Mary.

“Have you gotten shorter, Mac?” She asked lightheartedly, a grin in her voice. Mary rolled her eyes, and made her way over to Marlene, hugging her.

“Everyone can shove the comments about my height,” she said, her voice slightly muffled by her hug. “Just because you all got taller over the summer and I didn’t…”

“Only teasing,” Marlene said, pulling back and smiling down at her. “Anyway, what are you all doing, hovering? Sit down, why don’t you!”

They all hastened to do so. It was a tight fit, but they managed it. In the commotion of them all greeting one another and trying to see where everyone would be sitting, the topic of Remus’ marijuana was forgotten, or at least abandoned. Mary didn’t bring it up, at least, because she wanted to spare Remus any embarrassment that further questions might bring, though she was burning with curiosity about where he had gotten it. She had never pegged Remus as a stoner type.

Soon enough, after they all caught up on their summers, Emmeline brought up Quidditch. “Do either of you know who got Captain?” She asked James and Marlene.

“Florey did,” Marlene said, grinning excitedly. “She wrote me over the summer to tell me when we all got our Hogwarts letters!”

“Really? Wow,” Emmeline said, smiling in a slightly surprised manner. “I mean, she’s an amazing Quidditch player, but I was kind of expecting Chris, since he’s less of a troublemaker.”

“I think Sam might have put a good word in for Florey,” Marlene said. “I mean, she was kind of his protégé, even though she caused him a lot of trouble, too. I think she’ll be a good leader.”

“Maybe she’ll set practice for a bit later in the morning,” Emmeline said, hopefully. James and Marlene laughed.

Mary smiled, then turned to Dorcas. She didn’t have much interest in Quidditch talk. “Looking forward to the year?” She asked her friend. Dorcas smiled.

“Yeah, I suppose I am,” she said. “The summer was good, but I missed having classes. I’ll probably be eating my words once we get into the second week, though.”

Mary laughed. “I know what you mean. It will be nice, though, to catch up with everyone. Have you seen Lily?”

“No, not yet,” Dorcas replied. “I wrote to her a bit over the summer, though, sounds like she had a good one. Her family went to Scotland for a bit, she told me. Sounded interesting.”

“Maybe I’ll hear about it later,” Mary said, though she doubted it. She continued to chat with Dorcas as the train sped into the countryside, the day passing pleasantly in the noisy, crowded compartment as they moved towards Hogwarts. Mary had missed this, the feeling of magic all around her, the air almost crackling with it as she sat with her friends. Yes, this was the thing she had missed most about Hogwarts, and the reason she was looking forward to going back, despite the challenges.

....

The first few weeks of term passed without event. Dorcas had been right in saying that the novelty of being back at school would wear off quickly, and Mary felt it, as though she was enjoying her classes, she tired quickly of all the work they had been given.

She settled back into her usual routine, however. She went to classes, mealtimes, and then spent hours completing her homework in the library after class before retiring to the common room or dormitory. In the library she was usually accompanied, as ever, by Lily and Remus, her two classmates who preferred its quiet atmosphere the most. Others sometimes joined the trio, but Emmeline preferred to study in the dormitory, and Dorcas out in the grounds, or in odd abandoned places in the castle, while the rest often studied in the common room.

When she was not studying, Mary spent her time with her friends, or exploring the grounds on her own. She enjoyed exploring, walking around the lake at dusk, at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, or around the Quidditch pitch. They seemed endless, and while some part of her yearned to go into the Forbidden Forest and explore further, perhaps finding some of the magical creatures that lived in there, she resisted the urge. While the prospect fascinated her, it also scared her a bit, and she may be brave, but she was not reckless.  _ I’m not Marlene _ , Mary thought with a smile.

In truth, Mary sometimes explored the grounds alone to escape the people around her. She had always been an introvert, but even more recently she had felt the need to escape from other people her age. Since the previous year, a startling change had come over her classmates, one which still confused Mary. Seemingly out of the blue, they had all begun to talk non-stop about all things romantic.

Now, it seemed like every other conversation she had with her roommates was about boys. Even Miranda, who Mary had sometimes sought refuge with the previous year to avoid this sort of talk, had not been able to resist telling Mary about her crushes this year. “I know you’re not the biggest fan of this sort of talk,” Miranda had said to Mary one day, smiling at her. “That’s why I tried not to bring it up much last year. But you  _ must _ like someone by now, mustn’t you? It’s perfectly normal for people our age!”

Mary sighed, her hand tracing over the bark of a tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Miranda was right, of course, it  _ was _ perfectly normal for people their age. So why did it bother Mary so much when others talked about it? She couldn’t help but feel a sense of wrongness in herself, of shame. Why  _ hadn’t _ she had a crush on someone by then?

It was true that Mary could sort of tell when someone was attractive or not, based on comparing them to people on the cover of  _ Witch Weekly  _ or Muggle magazines, or listening to the other girls in her dormitory talk, but someone’s objective attractiveness, or lack thereof, never made Mary feel anything. When she was drawn to people, it was because they were nice, interesting, funny, or smart, not because they were attractive, and then she only wanted to be their friend.

The previous year, she had admitted her feelings to Dorcas on the topic, and Dorcas had seemed to relate, but the other girl had never spoken to her about it since. She didn’t talk about boys, either, though, so sometimes Mary sought refuge with her. Still, she thought as she trekked up back to the castle, she didn’t want to devalue her friends’ interest in romance. It was important to them, so it was important to her for them to be happy. But really, did they  _ have _ to talk about it so much?

As Mary re-entered the Gryffindor common room fifteen minutes later, she joined Hestia, Emmeline, and Dorcas in the corner.

“It’s downright annoying,” Emmeline was saying, though a slight, amused smile played across her face.

“What is?” Mary asked, sitting down and setting her back down beside her. Emmeline smiled at her.

“Marlene has a crush on Chris,” she said, referring to one of the sixth year chasers from the Gryffindor Quidditch team. “She thinks she’s being sly about it, but it’s obvious to James and I,  _ and _ probably the rest of the team. Marley being Marley, she’s not shy around him or anything like you’d expect, she’s even  _ more _ obnoxious, trying to impress him or whatever.”

“Oh,” Mary said, sighing internally. “That does sound annoying.”

Dorcas was not looking at the rest of them, but bent over her book. Hestia looked at her. “Has she said anything to you, Dee?”

“Hmm?” Dorcas hummed, looking up slightly, but Mary could tell she had been listening.

“About her crush on Christopher,” Hestia elaborated. Dorcas shrugged.

“She hasn’t flat out told me she has a crush on him,” she said. “But like you said, it is a bit obvious.”

“ _ Thank _ you,” Emmeline said, rolling her eyes slightly. “I swear, it’s not like he’s ever going to  _ date _ her. He’s a sixth year, for Merlin’s sake.”

Dorcas made a small, noncommittal noise in her throat, turning back to her book. “At least it gets her off the topic of Florence for five minutes,” she said casually, though Mary thought she saw a flash of pain in her friend’s downturned eyes, which she couldn’t explain. “I get enough Florence talk from both Marley and James combined, ever since first year.”

“Well, James has always had a crush on her,” Hestia said, laughing. “It’s obvious.”

“Marlene?” Mary asked, confused.

“No, of course not!” Hestia exclaimed. “Florence!”

“Oh,” Mary said. She glanced at Dorcas again, whose eyes were glued back on her Arithmancy book. Looking back up at Emmeline, she changed the subject. “Want a game of chess?”

....

As the days shortened, and they moved into November, their workload increased even more, and Mary was glad for any burst of light in the midst of the never-ending piles of essays she had to complete. More often than not, these bright spots came in the form of letters from home, especially those which contained polaroid pictures of her little sister, Clementine, grinning toothily at the camera, sometimes accompanied by Paul or her mother. She treasured these photographs and reminders of home, used them as bookmarks for her textbooks and stuck them in her bag that she hauled from lesson to lesson.

Over the course of the past two months, Mary could see another, darker change happening amongst the students. Reports had come out in the papers recently of a new dark wizard at large who was proclaiming himself against Muggles and Muggle-born wizards. The wizard, who called himself Lord Voldemort, was stirring up the wizarding world in a way that Mary had never seen before in her few short years at Hogwarts.

Students whispered in the hallways, falling silent when teachers walked by. There was a sense of barely contained excitement about the castle. If she had asked anyone, Mary was sure that they would deny it, but some of her classmates seemed fascinated with the intrigue of what was happening in the wizarding world, looking on in awe like it was some kind of film being acted out before their eyes.

Of course, none of her roommates acted this way, and Mary was somewhat surprised by, but respected the way that both James Potter and Sirius Black showed nothing but disgust in regards to the whole topic, snapping at anyone who brought up the events with any tone close to interest. Remus, of course, took it all very seriously, but this did not surprise Mary in the least. In fact, she had had several conversations with him about the topic, as they studied in the library together.

“Lily stays away more now than she used to,” Mary had pointed out one day, looking up from her books.

“Yeah, I suppose she hasn’t joined us much in the last few weeks,” Remus replied, looking up at her across the table. They were seated in an abandoned corner of the library, far away from Madam Pince’s chair, so that she could not yell at them for talking.

“I think it’s about Snape,” Mary said in a low voice, peering across at Remus, trying to gauge his reaction. “She thinks if she spends more time with him, he’ll spend less time with his Slytherin friends, and he’ll listen to them less, especially with everything that’s going on.”   


Remus looked up to meet her eyes. “Do you think that will work?” He asked, quietly. Mary liked this about Remus: he always seemed calm and steady, even, or perhaps especially, when a difficult subject or situation arose. Mary shrugged at him, meeting his eyes candidly.

“No, not really,” she said. “I’ve never thought he was a very nice person, but he’s gotten worse over the years. All the Slytherins have, really, and he says those slurs and sneers just as much as the rest of them.”

“Yes, he does,” Remus said, a look of disgust going across his face. Mary thought this was rather unusual, to see Remus express open dislike for someone else. She studied him thoughtfully.

“Snape isn’t very nice to you either, is he?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. “I mean, I already know he’s awful to me.”

Remus met her eyes, his blue ones searching her brown ones for a second, then sighed. “No, he isn’t very nice to me, not at all.”

“Is it because you hang around Sirius and James, and he hates them, d’you think?”

“I think that’s part of it,” Remus said, glancing down at his parchment for a second, breaking their eye contact. “It’s complicated, I guess. Snape hates James and Sirius, of course, partially because he’s jealous of them. They come from prominent pureblood families, and are some of the best in the class without trying too hard. With me, well, we’re both half-bloods. I think he resents that despite that fact, I’m well-liked, when he’s not. That’s at least a part of it.”

Mary nodded. She paused for a moment, looking down at her parchment again, then looked back at Remus. She could tell Remus, she thought. She trusted him. “I hate him,” she said, quietly. “Snape, I mean. But not just him, all of them. They’re awful to me.”

Remus nodded, meeting her eyes again. “I know,” he said. “Me too.”

“Have you noticed that they’ve been getting worse, recently?” Mary asked. “Ever since Voldemort has been in the paper, they keep whispering to each other and they’re even more vicious than ever.”

“I’ve noticed, yes,” Remus said, frowning slightly, in a way that Mary now knew to mean that he was thinking hard. “A lot of people around here seem different, lately, too.”

“They treat it like it’s a spectacle,” Mary said, disgustedly. “It’s people lives.”

Remus sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly. “People our age aren’t always the most sensitive, are they?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow in tired amusement, meeting her eyes. She let out a slight snort of laughter. She wasn’t quite sure why she was laughing, but it was rather ridiculous, and, after a moment, Remus began to laugh a bit as well. They tried to muffle the sound, so as not to attract Madam Pince, who would skin them alive.

“It’s not funny, really,” Remus said after a moment, after they stopped. “It’s fucking atrocious, isn’t it? But it’s a bit ridiculous, too.”

“It is,” Mary said, grinning slightly at his swearing. He had been doing it more and more lately, and she found it rather freeing to hear him swear, and it reminded her of some of her friends back home. It seemed out of place to the Remus she had thought she had known before, but then again, she had not really known him as well as she had this year. Perhaps this was just Remus, she thought, and the real Remus smoked pot, and swore, and she had just never discovered it before Lily had left them alone for longer. “It _is_ fucking atrocious,” she said, mimicking him slightly, and he grinned at her.

The two looked at each other for another moment before Mary blushed slightly, and turned back to her essay. Remus returned to his own, as well, a slight smile playing across his face. As Mary glanced up to look at him once or twice while they were both working, she noticed something for the first time:

It was an usual feeling, a warmth in her stomach which she couldn’t quite place. In that moment, she realized that she thought Remus was rather good-looking. He had a nice smile, and his blue eyes were also rather beautiful.

It was strange, she thought, that this realization should hit her now. She had never, not in her memory at least, thought of anyone else in that way before, something which had made her feel isolated from her friends all this and the previous year.

But in that moment, looking at Remus, she thought she might understand it for the first time. Over the course of the last few months, she had grown closer to Remus, with Lily being gone so much more, they had been studying together a great deal. She had talked to him more than she had before, and now she really thought that she had begun to  _ know _ him, even with his rather private nature.

What she had discovered, in the past few months, was that she liked Remus. He was a good person, funny, sarcastic, and likeable. She had already known that he was intelligent, of course. Her wariness towards him because of his association with the boisterous and troublemaking boys in his dormitory, had melted away slowly over time, and now she thought of him as a friend, perhaps even a close friend.

The warm feeling in her stomach grew, and she smiled slightly, trying to banish the warmth from her cheeks, and turning back to her essay. She would figure out what it all meant later, she thought.


	13. Birthdays and Fights

Sirius’ fifteenth birthday fell on a Sunday in the boys’ fourth year. This was rather unfortunate for Remus, given that he liked to sleep late on Sundays, but Sirius’ birthday was the only day that Sirius ever woke up early on.

Remus was awoken the morning of November 3rd by a pillow being thrown at him, which flew neatly through the gap in his hangings and hit him in the stomach. Groaning and rubbing his eyes, Remus pushed himself onto his elbows just in time for the light to hit him in the face as his curtains were pulled back, revealing the grinning face of Sirius Black.

“Up and at ‘em, Remus,” Sirius said, grinning and pulling Remus’ cover back. Remus shivered slightly in the cold air. It was early November after all, and he only slept in a t-shirt and pants.

He rolled his eyes and swung his legs out of bed, running a hand through his wavy, bed hair as he did so. “Happy birthday,” he said, leaning over to look at the clock on his bedside table. “It’s fucking seven AM.”

“Charming as ever,” Sirius said, beaming at Remus. Remus knew that Sirius liked to hear him swear, given he always made jokes about it. The way Sirius told it, it was proof that he was corrupting Remus, which was probably true, if Remus was honest with himself. “Needed to get an early start to my fifteenth year, didn’t I?”

“If you say so,” Remus said, yawning. “Let me wake up a bit, then I swear I’ll be more excited about your birthday.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m not offended,” Sirius said, grinning. “You’re a lot more cheery than you usually are in the mornings. James actually refused to be in the dorm when I woke you up, as he said that if you decided to commit murder, he could claim plausible deniability.”

“Nice to know that James would defend me if I murdered you,” Remus said, standing and stretching. His body had become rather lanky over the past two summers, and though he and James still stood at the same height, and were both growing slowly and steadily, Remus felt as if his body was all elbows and knees, awkward and ungraceful. Sometimes he thought he looked like a puppy with paws too big for the rest of its body, bumping into things.

“Well, he also said that you might be less likely to kill me than him,” Sirius said, his voice mild. “But perhaps that’s just because it’s my birthday.”

Remus snorted, casting a sarcastic look at Sirius, behind him, as he rummaged around in his wardrobe for clothes to throw on. “Don’t go around with the impression that I have a soft spot for you, Sirius,” he said. “I would be just as likely to murder you as James any other day of the year if you woke me up this early.”

Sirius let out a bark of a laugh. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t getting presumptuous,” he said, a teasing note in his voice. Remus rolled his eyes, grabbed his clothes, and headed to the bathroom, Sirius moving over to prod Peter awake in the same abrupt fashion as he had woken Remus.

In the bathroom, Remus pulled on his clothes: an oversized sweater, pants, trousers, and wool socks—his usual—then brushed his teeth and used the loo. He splashed some water on his face for good measure, and when he reappeared, he felt slightly more awake. Peter was now awake, too, dressing blearily as Sirius bounced on the balls of his feet.

“What are we doing today?” Remus asked, smiling slightly at Sirius’ obvious excitement.

“I want to go for a fly around the grounds first,” Sirius said, grinning. “Then, I dunno. Make it up as we go, I guess?”

“We could go into Hogsmeade,” Peter suggested, his head emerging from the neck of his sweatshirt. “Since we found that one-eyed witch passageway last week.”

“Good idea, Pete!” Sirius said, clapping him on the back. “Let’s go meet James in the common room. Marley might be up, too, we can ask her to join.”

When they went down the common room, they did indeed find Marlene McKinnon sitting beside James next to the fire, the room deserted but for them. They both rose when they heard them coming, and turning to greet them. Marlene smiled and moved to give Sirius a hug, slapping him on the back affectionately.

“Happy birthday, arsehole!” She exclaimed cheerfully, and he grinned back at her.

“Fifteen,” James said, grinning, as they all turned to walk out of the portrait hole. “How does it feel?”

“Mature,” Sirius said, concealing a smile. “I am now wise beyond my years, don’t you forget that. When I was your age—”

“Oi, can it, you do this every year,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. Sirius shot him a smile and promptly shut up.

They had a very enjoyable morning, taking turns flying on Marlene’s, James’, and Emmeline’s brooms, the latter of which Marlene assured them would be fine to borrow. Remus mostly watched, as he wasn’t much of a flier, but he liked seeing the look of pure joy on Sirius’ face as he rocketed around with James, Marlene, and Peter.

After the others were thoroughly flied-out, they put the brooms back into the locker rooms and headed up to breakfast, all a bit sweaty.

The other Gryffindor girls wished Sirius a happy birthday at breakfast, even Lily, who said it a bit stiffly. After they had eaten, the boys said goodbye to Dorcas and Marlene, who were planning to go out and hang around the grounds for the day. They were purposefully vague about what their plans were, as they considered their trip into Hogsmeade almost a sacred mission just for the four of them.

At the beginning of the semester, they had begun the rather ambitious project of mapping out the school. Given the amount of time they had all spent sneaking around the castle both before and after dark in their more than three years there, they knew it quite well, but the project had spurred them to get to know it even better, leading them to find several new secret passages such as the one to Honeydukes cellar.

Now, they made sure the coast was clear before James pulled out his wand and whispered “Dissendium,” tapping the one-eyed witch’s hump. It opened at once, and, one by one, they climbed into it. Sirius went last, and Remus had to scramble away from the slide quickly so that Sirius would not hit him in the back as he slid down it.

As soon as they were all in the passageway, the light disappeared from the one-eyed witch’s hump, indicating that it had closed by itself, and they set off. It took a good thirty minutes for them to reach Honeydukes, and after Sirius looked through the crack of the trapdoor and confirmed no one was in the cellar, they climbed out. There was a scuffle when James threw the cloak over them so they could sneak past the shopkeepers, as it was much harder for them all to fit than it had been when they were eleven.

“Remus, bend your knees, you’re too tall!” Sirius hissed, nudging him. Remus prodded him back in the ribs.

“I  _ am _ , it’s James who’s not doing it.”

“I was just getting my bearings, come on,” James said, amusement in his voice, and they set off up the stairs.

On a Sunday morning, the shop was relatively busy with witches and wizards, so their feet went unnoticed, and, soon enough, they exited the crowded store and pulled off the cloak in the sunlight outside.

“So, lads, what shall we do?” James asked, straightening up and rumpling his hair, light glinting off his glasses as he grinned around at them.

“What do you want to do?” Remus said, turning to Sirius and raising his eyebrows.

Sirius grinned brilliantly back at him. “Let’s go to the Hog’s Head. See if I can get the barman to give me some firewhiskey.”

“Oh, come on,” Peter said, rolling his eyes. “It’s like nine AM and you’re fifteen. He’s never going to—”

“Don’t know until we’ve tried, Pete!” Sirius said, grinning and clapping the smaller boy on the back before racing off in the other direction. 

Peter was right in the end; the barman took one look at them and told them to leave his bar, which Sirius did with a pout on his face. Still, they settled in the Three Broomsticks with little fuss, and sat happily around with their butterbeers for an hour, laughing and talking. Sirius and James even tried to charm Rosmerta, too, into give them some kind of alcoholic drink, to which she laughed so hard she almost fell off her stool behind the bar. She consented to talk with them for several more minutes, however, and they joked back and forth with grins on their faces.

When they left the Three Broomsticks, they went to Zonko’s Joke Shop. When they got bored of the village, Sirius suggested that they explore the hillside past the stile at the end of the road, so they climbed up the boulders there. They stopped at the mouth of a cave, and Remus clutched at a stitch in his side as James and Sirius peered inside curiously. Looking up across the village, Remus caught sight of the far away shack, lonely on the opposite hill, and his muscles tensed slightly.

A hand on his back startled him, and he turned to see Sirius standing there, looking at him with his piercing grey eyes. “Soon we’ll be there with you, you know,” he said steadily.

Remus smiled slightly, trying to brush off the moment of dread as he thought about the next full moon. “I know you will,” he said. Truthfully, he wasn’t as confident as he pretended. After all, it had been two years and the three boys had made almost no progress on becoming Animagi thus far.

“We  _ will  _ do it,” Sirius said, as though he was reading Remus’ mind. “Or die trying,” he added, a note of slight amusement in his voice, but Remus wondered how serious he really was.

“I believe you,” Remus said, smiling back at him. “I’d never doubt the power of your will, Sirius.”

“Good, you’d better not,” Sirius said. “Now, let’s get back to the castle. I’m feeling like going and getting Dorcas to convince the other girls to hang out in our dorm this evening. Maybe we can play games or something.”

“Sounds good.”

"Who knows, maybe Evans will be busy with Snivellus, even,” Sirius remarked as they began to descend the hill. “It is my birthday, after all. Miracles can happen.”

James and Peter laughed, while Remus only rolled his eyes. It was Sirius’ birthday, after all. He was not in the mood to rebuke him for his jibe at Lily at the moment. As they crept back down into the Honeydukes cellar, Remus saw Sirius slip some candies into his pocket from the storeroom. He raised his eyebrows, and Sirius grinned.

“It’s a special occasion.”

“You could have just bought them upstairs.”

“Oh, hush, you two,” James broke in, rummaging in his pockets and setting down a galleon on the top of one of the boxes, which Remus knew would pay for what Sirius had taken many times over. “Look, there, no stealing necessary. Let’s go.”

They talked the whole time as they walked back through the tunnel to Hogwarts, wondering what the girls would have been up to, speculating at what kind of games they should play, and talking about the map. “There must be tons of other secret passageways to find,” James said. “I mean, we know about this one and the one under the Whomping Willow, obviously, but there have to be more.”

"We have three more years to find them,” Remus pointed out. “I’m sure we will.”

“And we’ll leave the map for future mischief makers!” Sirius exclaimed, his brilliant white smile visible even in the darkness.

When they finally reached the slide and climbed out, one my one, closing the hump behind them, they were greeted with the sound of footsteps, and in a second, Professor McGonagall rounded the corner and stopped dead, staring at them suspiciously.

They shuffled their feet slightly, trying to wipe the looks of guilt off of their faces as they stood in a suspicious line with their backs to the statue.

“What are you marauders doing around here?” McGonagall asked in her sharp, Scottish accent. “You aren’t trying to blow up this statue, I hope? Or charm it to say foul words, like you did with all the portraits on the sixth floor in September?”

“Allegedly,” Sirius broke in, a winning smile on his face. “You can’t prove that was us, Professor.”

She stared down at him over the tops of her square spectacles, and exasperated look on her face. “Well, you’d better get off to dinner. I shall wait to see if you have planned some trouble, and punish you then.”

“Thanks, Professor,” James said, smiling at her cheekily. They walked past her towards the Great Hall, but turned when she said over her shoulder:

“Oh, and Mr. Black, happy birthday.”

“Thank you, Professor,” Sirius said, flashing her a wide smile, which she returned with a small one, then walked off.

“Told you she loves me,” Sirius said, and James shoved him.

“I’m better at Transfiguration, she loves me more.”

“Not a chance, Potter!”

“What’s a marauder, anyway?” Peter asked, confused.

“Someone who steals or plunders a place, like a pirate,” Sirius responded promptly, and when Remus stared at him in surprise, he shrugged. “What? I read!”

“It has a nice ring to it,” James said, grinning. “The marauders.”

“Oh, don’t tell me we’re giving ourselves a group name, now,” Remus joked. “I’m already embarrassed enough to be your guys’ friend, I’m not sure if I can handle much more.”

They all laughed, and Sirius ruffled Remus’ hair affectionately, causing him to duck out of his reach. Sirius chased him all the way to dinner, and when they got there, they were all panting and laughing.

Miraculously, that evening, Sirius got his wish, as Lily was nowhere to be found. Remus suspected that she had had no desire to celebrate Sirius’ birthday with him and made herself scarce, and he was very grateful, especially after Hestia cheerfully produced the game of Monopoly which she had brought from home. Remus had never played before, but he soon realized that it was a very good thing that Lily was not present, as he suspected if she had been, she and Sirius would have turned the board over in a row at some point.

James and Peter lost spectacularly, as neither could quite get the hang of the fake Muggle money, but Sirius caught on rather quickly, and ended the game in a heated battle between him and Dorcas. Dorcas won, and she let out a loud cheer and got up to do a little victory dance when he finally landed on her Boardwalk hotel, while Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Fifteen must feel old,” Mary said, unwrapping a candy that they had brought back from Honeydukes and popping it into her mouth while looking at Sirius. “It’s crazy, I only just turned fourteen in August.”

“Oh, don’t get him started,” Remus joked, giving Sirius a pointed look as he grinned at Mary. Sirius ignored him.

“For some reason, it does feel a lot older than fourteen,” he told her. “But I guess that’s true with every year.”

“Some years just  _ feel _ older than others,” Hestia broke in, nodding. “Like, thirteen was a big deal, because then you’re a teenager instead of a preteen. And seventeen is obviously a huge deal because then we can use magic outside of school.”

“What’s fifteen, then? Just the midpoint between those,” Marlene said, smirking at Sirius. He threw an empty candy wrapper at her, which lost any sense of its destination midway through the air and floated to the ground. Marlene laughed at his poor attempt.

“You just wait until you turn fifteen, McKinnon,” he said, his voice dripping with satisfaction as he smirked at her. “In  _ five whole months. _ ”

“Oh, shut up,” Marlene retorted, still grinning.

“Your birthday’s in March, isn’t it, Remus?” Mary asked.

“Yeah, it is,” Remus said, smiling at her.

“You’re the next one to turn fifteen after me,” Sirius said. “Merlin, you’re all so much younger than me. Why on earth do I hang around you?”

“No,” Dorcas broke in. “It’s Lily who’s next. Her birthday is at the end of January.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, as if to say that he wasn’t counting Lily, but didn’t respond.

....

The work that professors assigned increased steadily the further they got into November, and Remus began to spend longer hours working in the library with Mary, as Lily had been absent from their study sessions more than usual. Remus didn’t really mind, but he worried about her sometimes, spending so much time with Severus Snape.

Mary, Remus began to notice, seemed to have developed a crush on him. Granted, he knew he wasn’t the best at judging these kind of things, but the longer they spent together the more convinced he was that he was right. She was subtle, but he occasionally looked up to find her eyes on him for a little too long before she looked away, blushing, and she had begun to seek him out more and more to spend time together even when they were not studying.

Remus felt very awkward about the whole thing. He really liked Mary as a friend—in fact, he had begun to like her more and more the longer they spent together, as she became less shy around him—but as something more? He couldn’t picture it.

Mary was nice-looking, sure. She was short, with a heart-shaped face and pretty, light brown eyes, her curves beginning to be more pronounced than they had in previous years. Still, none of those observations made him feel anything for her. He could easily see someone else liking her, but not him. Even if he did, at some point, develop feelings for her or anyone, what was the point?

Remus had given this subject a great deal of thought the previous year, when all of his classmates seemed to become obsessed with dating, and James had gotten his first girlfriend. He came to the conclusion that it was all well and good for them to have fun with it, but that he would likely never date. It was too dangerous, what with trying to keep his secret from people. What if the girl he dated found out, and told everyone?  _ No _ , he thought to himself,  _ it’s better not to risk it _ .

But then what should he do about Mary? Out of desperation, even knowing that they would tease him, he went to the rest of his roommates one afternoon after classes for advice.

“I think Mary fancies me,” he admitted. James almost got whiplash as he turned his head so quickly to look at him, then laughed, while Remus saw Sirius, out of the corner of his eye, bump his head on his bed frame as he straightened up too quickly.

“Macdonald? So  _ that’s _ why you’ve been spending so much time with her in the library.” James guffawed. “Remus, you’ve been holding out on us!”

“No, I—” Remus flushed, shaking his head vigorously. “I don’t fancy  _ her _ , we’ve just been studying a lot together lately, and I get the feeling she likes  _ me _ .”

“Oh,” James said, looking a little disappointed. “Well, do you  _ really _ not fancy her, like you wouldn’t want to date her, or do you just sorta not fancy her, like you would say yes if she asked you out?”

“The former, I guess,” Remus admitted. “I mean, Mary’s nice, she’s cool, and all of that, but I just wouldn’t….I wouldn’t go there, you know? We’re friends, isn’t that enough?”

“Obviously not for her if she fancies you,” Sirius muttered. Remus looked at him, but Sirius was not looking at him, as he appeared to be searching his trunk for something.

“Well, just tell her you don’t have feelings for her, or something,” James suggested. “I mean, can’t be that hard? Mind you, I’ve only ever been dumped, I’ve never had to let someone down or whatever.”

“Maybe I should just leave it alone, let her get over it on her own?” Remus asked anxiously.

“Oh, no,” Sirius said, looking up finally, his voice rather sharp. “Don’t do the Remus disappearing thing. You always do that, it’s way worse for people than if you just talked to them.”

There was a bit of silence where Remus stared at Sirius in surprise and a little hurt, then James broke it. “Come on, Sirius, don’t be an arsehole.”

“You agree with me, though, don’t you?” Sirius shot back. “He should just talk to her.” He addressed his next words to Remus. “If you don’t, she’s just gonna ask you to Hogsmeade or something, and you’ll have to say no then, so—”

“Okay, okay, I get the point,” Remus said, still feeling a bit hurt by Sirius’ words. Sirius shrugged, then went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. James shot a glare towards the closed door before turning back to Remus.

“Sorry,” he said. “He’s an arse.”

“I guess,” Remus said. “It’s true, though, isn’t it? That I disappear when I don’t want to talk about things.”

“I mean, you did in second year when we found out you were a werewolf,” James said, shrugging. “I don’t know if you’ve done it since. Don’t worry, though, he’ll get over whatever mood he’s in. Maybe he’ll take it out on Evans.”

“That’ll be fun,” Peter said, rolling his eyes slightly from his bed. “Sometimes I think Sirius could do with being a little less direct about  _ his _ feelings.” Remus sighed, slumping back on his own bed and ignoring Sirius when he came out of the bathroom.

The mysterious ice between the two boys lasted longer than Remus would have expected. Though he tried to act naturally with Sirius at breakfast on Wednesday morning, in Charms, Remus still made a point to sit next to Peter instead of Sirius, as he wasn’t sure if he wanted to deal with any remaining temper tantrums the other boy had left in him. It was useless, though, as upon entering the classroom, Professor Flitwick asked them to stand up and get out their wands, clearing the desks away to the sides of the room, as they were to practice banishing.

It was an enjoyable lesson, as they practiced with large, square cushions which they tried to banish neatly into the cupboard. However, James lost control of his cushion completely at one point, knocking it into Lily and causing her to fall over, then rise to her feet and send her cushion back at him. He was knocked back, as well, but didn’t fall. Instead, he stumbled into Sirius’ back, who fell over onto Remus, the two of them going down in a jumble of limbs. Sirius’ forehead bumped into Remus’ cheek, and for a moment, Remus felt Sirius’ warm breath on his neck as his back hit the ground, knocking the wind out of him.

For a split-second, Remus’ blue eyes locked on Sirius’ grey ones, Sirius staring right back at him. As Remus looked up at him, he realized that he had never been so close to his friend’s face before, and his eyes traced along Sirius’ sharp jawline, noting slightly bitterly how smooth his skin was, as he alone among the boys had escaped the curse of pimples. It was only a moment, but for some reason, it felt like an eternity. In another second, however, the bubble around them broke, and Sirius began to laugh, while Remus lay, still stunned, underneath him, looking at Sirius’ silky black hair, which was currently in his eyes. Soon, the other boy was already getting off of him, laughing and offering him a hand up.

“Thanks for that, Evans,” he shot as he turned away, Remus brushing off his robes, feeling a bit shaken. Lily crossed her arms over her chest and quirked an eyebrow at him threateningly.

“Sorry about that,  _ Remus _ ,” she said, smiling challenging at Sirius as she said it. Remus gave her a smile that he hoped looked genuine, though he worried it looked like more of a pained grimace.

“No problem.” He went back to trying to banish his cushion, pushing the incident to the back of his mind. In the corridor after class, he walked away absentmindedly, not truly paying attention to where he was going until Mary caught up to him, clutching her books to her chest.

“Hey, Remus,” she said brightly. “Do you want to come study in the library?”

“Oh, I dunno,” Remus said, glancing at her sideways, feeling uncomfortable. “I’m not sure, I might go back to the dormitory. I’m kind of tired.”

“Oh,” Mary said, looking a bit disappointed. “That’s fine. No worries.”

“Sorry,” he said, feeling quite sorry, indeed, not just for her, but for himself. Why was his life so complicated at the moment? And why couldn’t he muster up the courage to just tell her straight out that he didn’t like her, instead of, in Sirius’ words, doing the “Remus disappearing thing?”

The other boys had disappeared in the time it took for him to talk to Mary, so he headed up to the Gryffindor common room on his own while she departed for the library. When he reached the safety of his dormitory, he collapsed back on his bed with a sigh, his head full of churning thoughts. The door of the bathroom opened, and Sirius walked out, stopping dead when he saw Remus. Remus didn’t sit up, but locked eyes with Sirius, a moment of awkwardness falling between them, like a delayed reaction from what had happened in class, or perhaps it was just the residual tension about the Mary thing.

“We went ahead of you because we saw you talking to Macdonald,” Sirius said, breaking the eye contact and going over to his bed, grabbing a glass of water on the bedside table and taking a sip, looking away from Remus. “Thought you might be figuring stuff out.”

“Oh, yeah…” Remus said, feeling guilt wash over him again. Sirius turned and fixed him with a suspicious look.

“You didn’t talk to her, did you?” He accused Remus. “You just brushed her off.”

“It’s none of your business, Sirius,” Remus muttered, glaring at him, feeling defensive under Sirius’ accusatory glare. “I don’t know why you’re being like this.”

“I just think you shouldn’t jerk people around,” Sirius said, his jaw clenched as he set the glass of water down on the bedside table a bit harder than he had intended.

“I’m going to talk to her,” Remus said. “I just haven’t yet, okay?”

“Okay, then,” Sirius said, snorting incredulously. “You do that, Remus.” He turned on his heel and walked towards the door.

“Fuck you, Sirius!” Remus shouted, sitting up, his defensiveness melting away to pure rage. “Maybe you’re always ready to be direct or for a confrontation, but it’s not always that easy for me. Just lay off, okay? For fuck’s sake!”

Sirius turned, his grey eyes steel. “If you think it’s easy for me to talk about my fucking feelings, you obviously don’t know me as well as you think you do,” he shot back. “Did you forget where I come from?”

“No, I didn’t,” Remus said, leaping up from his bed and striding across the room, closer to Sirius. “Did you fucking forget what  _ I  _ had to deal with growing up? Did you even stop to think about the fact that I had it drilled into me from the age of four that I had to keep my whole fucking life a secret?”

“You didn’t have to keep your whole life a secret, just the fact that you’re a werewolf,” Sirius snorted, his eyes meeting Remus’. “You added the rest on yourself, and so you’ve become the most bloody secretive berk in the world.”

In that moment, staring at Sirius, Remus wanted to shove him, to punch him, to somehow make him shut his frustratingly perfect lips and wipe the smirk off his face. “Fuck you, Black,” he retorted, glowering down at the slightly shorter boy.

“Fuck you right back, Lupin,” Sirius retorted, matching his tone. They glowered at each other for a second, and then Remus heard a smashing sound behind him, and turned in surprise to find that the water glass that Sirius had been drinking out of only a minute before had shattered into a thousand tiny shards which now lay on the floor around his bed like sparkling drops of water on the floor. He swore, and turned back to Sirius, only to find the door to the dormitory swinging shut behind him. He was gone.

“That fucking bastard,” Remus muttered to himself as he tiptoed around the broken glass to grab his wand from his bag, waving it to clean up the mess. Glancing up at the calendar next to his bed, he noted that the full moon was only a couple of days away. Perhaps that was why his feelings were so on edge the past two days. Still, Sirius had no such excuse. Remus collapsed back onto his bed, fuming and thinking of more cutting remarks he should have said to Sirius.

....

That month’s full moon was worse than usual, Remus thought, as he woke up in the Shrieking Shack with a long, deep slash across his chest. He winced, looking down on it oozing blood. It would definitely scar.

“Remus, may I come in?” Madam Pomfrey said from the door, and Remus inched his to the bed, grabbing the threadbare blanked to cover his lower half, before saying:

“Yes, come in.”

Madam Pomfrey entered the room, tutting as she caught sight of the wound on his chest. “Oh dear, that looks nasty,” she said, making her way towards him and crouching down. She pulled out a vial of potion from her bag and dabbed it onto the cut, which stung and smoked as it cleaned the wound. Then she jabbed at it with her wand, and the cut scabbed over immediately, new skin stretching across it so that it was tender, but not open.

“I expect that will scar a bit,” Madam Pomfrey said. “But it should be fine, healing wise. Now, drink this.” She handed him a green potion, which Remus knew was a blood-replenishing potion, and he drank it down without complaint, though it tasted awful. “Let’s get you back to the castle.”

She turned her back while he put his clothes back on, then they walked, side by side, back across the grounds as the sun just started to peek over the horizon.

“Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?” Madam Pomfrey asked as they reached the entrance hall, surveying him up and down.

“No, I’m okay now,” Remus insisted. “I haven’t got class until 11:30, anyway.”

Madam Pomfrey tutted under her breath, giving him a motherly look. “Okay, dear, but try and get some rest, and if you are not feeling well, do not even think about attending class, you hear me?”

Remus smiled tiredly at her. “I won’t, thanks, Madam Pomfrey.”

She bustled off, and he made his slow progression up the staircase. When he reached the Gryffindor common room, he was out of breath, but relieved to find it empty. Early risers like Marlene and James were the bane of his existence on full moon days, as he hated having to act natural walking past them in the mornings.

When he reached his dormitory, he collapsed on his bed face first, but rolled over when a twinge of pain went through his chest, and fell fast asleep.

He woke a few hours later abruptly. When he opened his eyes, he thought it was the sunlight that woke him, until he saw the figure beside his bed. As his eyes adjusted, he realized that it was Sirius. He tried to sit up, and the other boy looked to him, noticing that he was awake for the first time, and leaned forward to put a hand on his shoulder, pushing him gently back down.

“Hey, Remus,” Sirius said, looking at him with a tentative, apologetic look on his face. “Rough night?”

Remus sighed. The two hadn’t spoken for the past few days before the full moon, but he didn’t have the energy to be mad at Sirius right now. “It was a bit,” he admitted. “I’m going to have another big scar.”

Sirius nodded, then held something out to Remus, which he realized was a freshly rolled spliff. “Thought you might want this, you know, for the pain?”

“Where’d you learn to roll this?” Remus asked, looking at Sirius in surprise, but taking it nevertheless. Sirius shrugged.

“I’ve watched you do it the last couple of times,” he said, obviously trying to sound nonchalant. “It took a couple of tries, but I thought it might be helpful not to have to do it yourself.”

“Well, thanks….” Remus said, feeling at a loss. He grabbed his wand from the bedside table, and lit the end deftly, putting it to his lips and inhaling. They sat in silence for a few minutes as Remus smoked and Sirius watched him. Remus thought it should feel weird, being observed like this, but for some reason, it didn’t.

When Remus was done, he felt pleasantly fuzzy-headed, the pain receding slightly from his chest, and the aches and pains ebbing. Sirius was still looking at him, fascinatedly. “Does it really help?” He asked curiously.

“Yeah, it does a bit,” Remus said. “It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it’s better. I haven’t told Madam Pomfrey about it, though, I’m not sure she would approve. But my parents were the ones who suggested it, so it’s not like she could really forbid me from doing it.”

“Hmm,” Sirius said. Remus looked up to meet his eyes again, and they looked at each other for a moment before both attempting to speak. “Sorry,” Sirius said. “You go.”

“What are you doing here, Sirius?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows at his friend.

“James told me to pull my head out of my arse and say I’m sorry, because he’s sick of us not speaking to one another” Sirius said, looking down at his hands, which were clasped in his lap before looking back up to meet Remus’ eyes. “So here I am, saying I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, Remus. I was a complete arse.”

“You were,” Remus said, looking at Sirius steadily. “Are you going to be that way again anytime soon?”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Sirius said, laughing slightly. “Look, your business is your business. I shouldn’t have gone off on you like I did.”

“Well, I asked for your advice,” Remus said, smiling slightly. “I just hoped you would give it in a bit more understanding way.”

“I’ll work on that, in future,” Sirius said, smiling. “I also brought you this, hoping it might make you more likely to forgive me,” he said, pulling out a bar of Honeydukes chocolate from the pocket of his jacket and holding it out to Remus. Remus grinned at him and took it, breaking off a piece and putting it in his mouth. Sirius grinned back at him. “Forgiven, then?”

“You’re forgiven,” Remus conceded. “But only because you brought me chocolate.”

That day, after Ancient Runes, Mary fell into step beside Remus as they walked to lunch, beginning to chat with him about the class. Remus steeled himself internally, then stopped.

“Mary, can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked, looking down at her. She paused as well, looking at him curiously, but followed him away from the crowd, letting Lily, Emmeline, and Hestia go on ahead of them.

“What is it, Remus?” She asked when they were in a little alcove by a window. Remus ran his hand through his hair nervously.

“Mary, I—” he broke off, sighing slightly. He met her light brown eyes, which looked apprehensive. “You know I really like being your friend, right?”

Mary looked up at him, a small, sad expression coming onto her heart-shaped face. “It’s okay, Remus,” she broke in before he could continue his awkward progress. She wore a slight, melancholy, half-smile, and looked up at him in understanding. “You don’t need to say anything, really. I understand, and it’s okay. I’ll be okay.”

“Really?” Remus asked, feeling lost for words as he gazed down at her. She laughed, slightly.

“Of course I will,” she said, then nodded back to the corridor, indicating that they should still walk together to lunch. “Come on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I wrote this chapter much later than I usually do, since I'm so busy with school, so I had less time to edit than usual. Hope you liked it, anyway!


	14. Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs

When they were in fourth year, the newly dubbed Marauders had made barely any further progress on becoming Animagi as when they had started the whole process. They knew the process would be long when they started during the spring term of second year, but had never imagined  _ how _ long. Unfortunately, Sirius Black was not known for his patience.

“I don’t understand it,” Sirius said under his breath, frustratedly, as he walked with James back to their dorm from their last class of the day. It was Friday, and they had made it their custom to work on their Animagi transformations after classes on Friday, so James and Sirius were walking back to their room to get started while Remus and Peter were going down to the kitchen to get snacks. “We’ve done everything! We held those disgusting leaves in our mouths for a whole month—that was fun—we made that potion, we drank it, we recite the incantation every goddam morning. It’s been two bloody years, I want to be able to transform into an animal already!”

“We knew it would take a long time when we started,” James said, more level-headed than Sirius. “Anyway, it’s probably taking longer because we’re not fully qualified wizards, as well. Our magic isn’t as powerful.”

“Speak for yourself,” Sirius snorted arrogantly. “Meanwhile, Remus still has to transform every bloody month without us.”

James shot a worried glance at his friend. He knew it distressed all of them to see Remus struggling in the days surrounding his transformations, and to see his pain after transforming. Sirius was the most vocal about his frustration with Remus’ situation, however, though he mostly hid this from Remus himself, instead expressing it to James and Peter. “I know, mate. But you know that even when we can keep Remus company during his transformations, it’ll still be difficult for him, we can’t change that.”

“I know,” Sirius said rather despondently. “But it will be better.”

“That’s why we haven’t given up,” James said, clapping Sirius on the back as they approached the portrait hole. James paused to give the Fat Lady the password before entering the common room. They found it full, as it was a Friday afternoon after all; all the Gryffindors were extra boisterous with their relief at the arrival of the weekend. They paused to chat with Dorcas and Marlene in the common room on their way up to their dorm, knowing that Remus and Peter would still be a while longer.

“Dorcas Meadowes, are you aware that you have dragons attached to your earlobes?” Sirius said, grinning at Dorcas as he perched on the edge of her armchair. Dorcas grinned back at him.

“You like them?” She asked, fingering the small moving Chinese fireball models that were attached to her earrings. “I charmed them to move from a spell I found in our Charms text.”

“They’re absolutely terrifying,” Sirius said, grinning with delight as he extended his hand to examine them closely. “I should get my ears pierced so I can get a pair.”

James and Marlene laughed, and Sirius drew back his hand as one of the dragons opened its jaws to breathe out a small burst of flame, grazing his fingers. Dorcas laughed at him. “Yeah, they do that, too, sometimes.”

“Your taste in jewelry is astounding to me, Dee,” Marlene laughed.

“As if you know the first thing about jewelry, Marley,” Dorcas shot back. “You don’t even have your ears pierced.”

“No,” Marlene admitted, smiling. “But none of the rest of the girls in our dormitory wear the strange things you do. I swear, you’d put anything on a hook and wear it as an earring.”

“Hey, Mary loves my earrings!” Dorcas defended. “She’s borrowed some of them before, and I made her those little Hippogriff earrings that she wears.”

“I’d let you pierce my ears if you made me some,” Sirius said, an excited expression on his face. Dorcas raised her eyebrows at him in disbelief.

“I am not piercing your ears, Sirius,” she said incredulously. “You have to get them professionally done for it to be safe.”

“I’ll pierce them,” Marlene said, smirking. “Can’t be that hard, can it? We always have Madam Pomfrey if something goes  _ too _ wrong.”

James grasped Sirius’ arm, rolling his eyes and pulling him up. “Okay, I’m taking you away before you two make any concrete plans that will result in Sirius permanently mutilating himself,” he said, dragging him off as he opened his mouth to respond excitedly. Sirius mouthed ‘talk later’ to Marlene as James dragged him up to the dormitory while Dorcas shook her head in exasperation, watching them go.

James released Sirius as they bounded up the boy’s dormitory stairs together, throwing open the door with a bang and slamming it behind them as ran in, excited to begin their Animagi work. James began to pace, muttering the incantation  _ Amato Animo Animato Animagus  _ under his breath, his face screwed up in concentration. Sirius flopped down on his bed, repeating the incantation to himself under his breath, too, while trying to imagine what his Animagus form would be. He knew he would have no way of knowing until he actually transformed, but sometimes when he was practicing the incantation, he felt that visualizing himself changing into an animal helped motivate him.

After ten minutes of this, he looked up at his best friend, who was now just standing in the middle of the room in the space between all of their beds, his eyes closed as his lips moved, forming the words of the incantation, though no sound came out. Sirius knew that James now in the state of concentration he sometimes got into when he worked on particularly interesting projects, usually for Transfiguration, where he would lose track of time. Sirius admired James’ ability to focus on things this intently, as he himself was so easily distracted most times.

Sirius knew where his own strengths lay, however: while James’ magic was based off of his ability to focus completely on a the essence of a spell and will it into being and Remus’ magic revolved around bringing theory to life with hard work and persistence, Sirius’ spellwork relied heavily upon his emotions. His wand was a natural extension of his arm, and his magic was highly intuitive, which often meant that he mastered spells before the rest of them, but also meant that if he didn’t control his temper, he was much more liable to explode things, even without a wand.

This was part of the reason that Sirius was having trouble with controlling his impatience over the length of time it was taking to become an Animagus. He usually mastered magic quickly, and without too much effort or reading. The Animagus transformation, however, relied on knowing the theory, and was full of different steps and conditions to actually achieving the transformation. Sirius couldn’t just feel his way into it, and he resented this fact. Bored with reciting the incantation over and over again, Sirius rolled off his bed and walked over to his trunk, thinking that he might review the book about becoming an Animagus that the boys were using for reference, which they had stolen form the restricted section of the library in their second year. He began to toss things out of the mess of his trunk, looking for the book. Just then, he heard James move from behind him, but ignored the sound.

“Sirius, we have a problem,” James said from behind him loudly.

“Yeah, what’s up, mate?” Sirius responded distractedly, still rifling though his trunk while he looked for the book.

“...it’s a really big problem,” James said again, more urgency in his voice, which sounded strange and choked. Sirius snorted and stood up straight, moving to turn around.

“If this is your way of making a filthy joke, I think—whoa,” he finished, taken aback. James was standing in the middle of the dormitory, stock still, not daring to move. His eyes were wide and shocked, and from his head sprouted what were unmistakably a set of large, branching antlers. Sirius began to laugh, clutching his stomach with the force of his mirth. He tried to stop, but every time he looked back up at James, his eyes wide with terror, antlers rising almost to the ceiling, it set him off again.

“Sirius, this is not funny!” James exclaimed anxiously. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Sirius’ stomach ached with his peels of uncontrollable laughter, but he worked hard to stop as he registered the anxiety in his best friend’s voice, though he still couldn’t quite keep a straight face. “What do you mean, what are you going to do? This is great, James!”

“How is this great, Sirius?” James demanded, his voice high with indignation and fear. “I can’t go walking around with antlers!”

“No, but you do realize what this means, don’t you?” Sirius demanded excitedly. “You’re getting closer to transforming into your an Animagus form!”

“And in the meantime, I’m stuck with antlers? I don’t think you grasp the seriousness of this issue, mate; I still have to go to classes!” James said, sounding more distressed by the second.

“Hey, I always grasp the Sirius-ness of things,” Sirius said, smirking, to which James made a move as if to walk forward and throttle him, but was impeded by the four poster beds around him, which kept his antlers trapped, setting Sirius off again into laughter. 

Just then, the dormitory door swung open and Remus and Peter walked in, talking, their bags bulging with food from the kitchens. The door swung shut behind them at the same moment that Remus stopped speaking mid-sentence as he caught sight of James, standing in the middle of their dorm room, a frustrated and scared look on his face, antlers protruding from his head. Sirius was still in fits of mirth, now rolling around on the floor.

“What the fuck happened?” Remus asked, hurrying forward towards James but stopping as he realized he had absolutely no idea what to do to help.

“We were just starting to work on the Animagi theory and incantations and things, and then—” James gestured helplessly to his head. Sirius stopped laughing long enough to choke out:

“James is turning into a fucking moose!”

“My Animagus form will  _ not _ be a moose, Sirius, shut up,” James retorted, though his voice held a note of panic. “You don’t even know what a moose looks like.”

“Hey, you’re the one with antlers!” Sirius said, still chuckling.

“How do I get rid of them?” James demanded shrilly, looking between Remus and Peter while ignoring Sirius. Sirius leapt to his feet, grinning, and began to rifle through his trunk again, finally pulling out the book he had been looking for before. He opened it and skimmed through the pages until he found what he was looking for.

“It says here that partial transformations are common during the process of becoming an Animagus,” Sirius said, looking up at James and quirking an eyebrow arrogantly. “Told you.”

Remus snorted impatiently and grabbed the book out of Sirius’ hands, reading further down the page. He lifted his head to look at James, who was looking at his desperately. “It sounds like transforming back and forth between your partial Animagus form is part of the process of learning to transform back and forth between your full Animagus form and human form. The theory should be the same, you just have to concentrate hard on transforming back.”

“And what if I can’t?” James asked, his voice rising further in panic.

“Calm down, James,” Remus said, his voice low and soothing. “Just focus.”

“ _ Just focus?! Just focus? _ ” James exclaimed indignantly. “It took me two whole years of concentrating to get antlers, Remus! How long is it going to take me to get rid of them?”

“If you panic, you’ll never get rid of them,” Sirius said, moving forward to lay a comforting hand on James’ shoulder while concealing his grin. “Breathe, mate.”

“You know, Sirius is right,” Peter said, trying to cheer James up. “It’s pretty impressive that you got them to appear in the first place; that means you’re the furthest along than any of us.”

“Now  _ that  _ bothers me,” Sirius pouted.

“It makes sense,” Remus said mildly, ignoring Sirius and sitting down on his bed to regard the three of them. “James is the best at Transfiguration out of any of us.”

Sirius huffed in annoyance, and Remus grinned over at him teasingly, to which Sirius responded with a scowl, but then brightened, getting an idea. “What if we turned this into a competition?” He proposed excitedly. “Let’s see if James can get rid of his prongs before either Peter or I can do a partial transformation of our own. We can just stay up here for the night; we have enough food to forego dinner.”

“That sounds like a recipe for disaster,” James said huffily, crossing his arms over his chest, though he looked rather more content now that Peter and Remus had stroked his ego.

“Sounds to me like you think you can’t beat me,” Sirius said challengingly, grinning at James. James turned to Peter and Remus for help.

“Don’t look at me; I think it’s a good idea,” Remus said, smiling slightly. “You have to get rid of your antlers at some point, and the sooner you all learn to turn into animals the better it is for me.”

“Pete?” James asked, but the small mousy boy just shrugged.

“I’m down,” Peter said. “I doubt I’ll do it before either you or Sirius, since I’m not as good at Transfiguration as you two, but it’d be cool to have some progress after all this time.”

James tried to shake his head in disbelief, but his antlers scraped against Peter’s bed posts, the sound grating all of their eyes. Sirius laughed again, and James rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said finally. “But if anyone ends up with wings or something permanently you can’t blame me.”

“I don’t think it can get much worse than your antlers,” Sirius retorted, walking over to grab the book back from Remus with a flourish. Remus rolled his eyes and reached across his bed to grab a bag out of his bedside table drawer.

“Oi, what are you doing?” James exclaimed as he saw the bag. “Don’t you usually save that for the full moon pain and stuff?”

“Usually,” Remus smirked, “But I think I need to be high for this experience. Anyway, what else am I going to do? You may recall that  _ I’ve _ been able to transform into an animal since the age of four.”

“I figured you’d be doing your homework or something, like the studious student you are,” James said, frowning.

“I’ve finished everything I need to do this weekend,” Remus said, now rolling a joint. Sirius laughed.

“I think even James sometimes forgets that you aren’t the innocent bystander to our mischief that you pretend to be in front of the rest of the school,” he said, shooting Remus an admiring grin. Remus chuckled slightly, but didn’t look up.

Two hours later they all sat on the floor in a circle. James had successfully managed to will away the antlers after an hour of deep concentration, at almost the exact moment when Sirius fell over because his feet had changed into  _ paws _ . Half an hour later, Peter had, much to his own surprise, grown a long, bald tail from his backside. Now he lay on his stomach on the ground, trying to concentrate hard enough so that he could make it disappear again. Though Sirius was trying to do the same, he was doing so with a bit less effort, as he was too busy laughing at Remus’ behavior with James.

Remus was lying on his back, holding his hands above his face and examining them with interest, his eyes slightly bloodshot. Sirius stopped laughing long enough crawl forward and lean over Remus’ face so that he was upside-down in the other boy’s view. “You doing alright, Remus?” He asked, smiling. Remus moved his left hand up to touch Sirius’ face slightly before drawing away. He smiled vaguely.

“My body feels very strange,” he said, giggling slightly. Sirius grinned down at him.

“So does mine, but for a very different reason,” he said. Remus pushed himself up suddenly, Sirius drawing back so as not to get hit by him. Remus regarded Sirius with incredulous amusement in his eyes.

“I can’t believe that you have paws!” Remus exclaimed, shaking his head. “How does that  _ feel _ ?”

“Very strange,” Sirius said, smiling as he moved back to lean against James’ four poster bed again.

“You have  _ pads _ on the bottom of your feet,” Remus said, almost to himself. “Padfoot.”

“Hey, that’s what we should call you from now on!” James laughed. “Especially if you can’t figure out how to get rid of them.”

“You’re going to use a nickname for me that Remus came up with while he was high?” Sirius asked in disbelief.

“Sure,  _ Padfoot _ , I think it’s quite catchy,” James smirked.

“Well then you’re Prongs, since you have antlers,” Sirius said, smirking back. James screwed up his face for a minute, then the antlers popped back onto his head, making Sirius swear and scoot away from him rapidly to avoid being speared. James opened his eyes, smiling in satisfaction.

“See, not so hard, right?” He asked in amusement. Remus stared at the antlers in awe, looking as if James had just blown his mind.

“You know you have to make them go away  _ again _ , now, right?” Sirius asked testily, feeling quite outshone by this display. James grinned, not at all panicked anymore, and screwed up his face again in concentration. It took slightly longer than it had taken for them to appear, but in under a minute, they were gone again.

“I guess it’s like riding a bike,” he said, smiling at the scowl on Sirius’ face. Sirius glared at him, then narrowed his eyes. James knew that look: there was really nothing that motivated Sirius like a slight on his ego. After a couple minutes of silence where Sirius had closed his eyes and screwed up his face in concentration, just like James had done, his feet transformed back to normal again. Sirius whooped in celebration, holding up a foot to show James, who jerked away, looking disgusted. 

“Please don’t stick your feet in my face, Sirius,” he said, rolling his eyes at Peter, who had a rather constipated look on his face in his attempts to get rid of his tail. Peter was usually the slowest at magic out of all of them, and achieved spells after lessons with all of their encouragement, mastering them after much gradual practice. He was better at subjects like Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, and Potions, which required less wandwork than Transfiguration, Charms, or Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Sirius laughed, then turned back to Remus. “Any brilliant ideas for Peter’s nickname, Remus?” He said, gesturing over to where Peter was struggling.

“Wormtail,” Remus muttered quietly, laughing to himself. “Because he has a tail, and it’s a worm...wait, that’s not right. He’s a worm...no. Bugger.” Sirius let out another bark of laughter, smiling at Peter.

“How about it, Wormtail?”

“I don’t care  _ what _ you call me, as long as I’m not stuck with this thing forever,” Peter said anxiously, staring at his long tail as it flicked around above his head.

“Well then, what should we call Remus?” Sirius asked, turning to James. James screwed up his face in concentration for a moment.

“I dunno...something werewolfy,” he said carelessly.

“Well, he’s already called Wolf Wolf, son of Wolf and Howell,” Sirius said, laughing. “I’m not sure it gets more werewolfy than that.”

“I’m a cosmic joke,” Remus giggled to himself.

“I’ll think of something,” Sirius said, shaking his head and gazing at Remus affectionately.

By the time the sun set and the day surrendered to night, Peter had finally gotten rid of his tail, and Remus was beginning to act a bit more normally, much to Sirius’ disappointment. Sirius had even managed to change his feet back and forth once more, just to prove to James that he was just as good at it as he was. Emblazoned by their success, they were sure that transforming into their full animal forms would soon follow, and, tired, they all went to sleep.

The next day, James jokingly called Sirius ‘Padfoot’ during Transfiguration, and Sirius retorted by calling James ‘Prongs.’ Within a couple of days, they had started calling each other their nicknames even without a joking tone of voice, though they all still found it rather funny that Remus had come up two out of the three nicknames while he was stoned out of his mind. After a week, Remus had been startled when Sirius said to him at breakfast, “Can you pass the potatoes, Moony?”

“What did you call me?” Remus asked, confused, as he handed Sirius the platter. Sirius grinned at him.

“Oh, I came up with it last night, thought it was rather fetching,” he smirked as the other two boys leaned closer to listen. “What do you think, Moony?” Sirius asked, testing out the name again. Remus narrowed his eyes at him, thinking it over. He supposed it wasn’t  _ too _ obvious, and he had to admit that he very much wanted to be included in fun of nicknames.

“I suppose it’ll do,” he said, not managing to conceal his slight smile as he looked across the table at Sirius. Sirius smirked back, then began to shovel his breakfast into his mouth in a rather undignified fashion, but Remus barely noticed.  _ Moony _ … He repeated the name again in his head, and his smile grew. His sense of belonging to the group grew even stronger with the name. The nicknames represented his secret, and all of theirs, linked together, and suddenly he felt better than he ever had in his life about being a werewolf.


	15. Growing Pains

Fourth year ended in a blur, but the exhilaration of the Marauders finally achieving partial Animagi transformations lasted them until the end of term, and caused them to practice with even more fervor, determined to achieve full transformations before long. Still, the year was up before this occurred, and they all went their separate ways at the beginning of the summer, promising to keep in touch.

As per usual, James was left to spend time with Marlene and Dorcas for the first five weeks of the summer before Sirius came to stay with him at the beginning of August. The time passed quickly, and soon enough, it was August 1st, and Sirius arrived on the Potters’ doorstep with his trunk, a wide grin on his face.

“Sirius!” James exclaimed, running out to meet his friend, and they hugged, laughing.

“All right, calm down,” Sirius said after he drew back. “I’m here for a month, don’t get too excited all at once.”

“You’re so full of it, Padfoot,” James laughed, and helped him haul his trunk inside, where Euphemia and Fleamont Potter were waiting.

“Sirius,” Euphemia said, getting up from her armchair in the living room and walking over to wrap him in a warm hug. “We are so pleased to see you. I hope the beginning of your summer was alright?”

“Thanks for letting me stay again, Mrs. Potter,” Sirius said, smiling at her as he pulled away. “The first part of my summer was fine.”

“How many times must I insist that you call me Euphemia, dear?” James’ mother asked, beaming at him. “You look like you’ve grown a bit even since we last saw you off the Hogwarts Express!”

Sirius grinned back sheepishly. “Yeah, I think I have a bit,” he said, flushing embarrassedly at her motherly tone.

“You’re still shorter than me,” James said, smirking down at his friend. Sirius rolled his eyes and elbowed James in the ribs, causing him to wince, though it did not wipe the smile off of his face.

“It’s very nice to see you again, son,” Fleamont said, approaching as well and clasping Sirius’ shoulder briefly.

“It’s so nice to see you both again, too,” Sirius replied. “I hope James hasn’t been driving you up the wall too much.”

James aimed a kick at him, and Sirius dodged out of the way, shooting him a smirk. Euphemia laughed. “He’s been keeping busy,” she said, glancing up at her son. He was now several inches taller than her, though not quite as tall as his father, yet. “Marlene and Dorcas have been over quite a lot, too, as always. I’m sure you will be happy to see them again, Sirius.”

“Are they coming over today?” Sirius asked hopefully, looking at James.

“They were planning to, yeah,” James replied. “Probably in the afternoon.”

“I guess that means we’ll have to feed all of you starving teenagers for dinner, then,” Euphemia said. James grinned at her hopefully.

“If it’s not too much trouble,” he said. “They were thinking of staying for a while.”

“Of course not,” Euphemia said, smiling. “Now, you go get Sirius settled and catch up.”

James nodded, and the two boys grabbed the heavy trunk and carried it up the stairs between them to the guest bedroom which Sirius now occupied for several weeks every summer.

“Merlin am I looking forward to your parents’ cooking,” Sirius said as he flopped down upon the bed, smiling. “Kreacher’s cooking is good, but nothing compares to the food I eat here.”

“Yeah, well, mum was shocked when she found out you had never tasted curry before last summer,” James said, sitting down on the rug. “Now she thinks she has to cook all her best recipes to give you a proper food education or something.”

“I’m an eager student, then.”

“Do you ever go outside when you’re in London?” James asked, peering at his friend. “You look paler than Nearly Headless Nick.”

“My outdoor privileges were revoked,” Sirius said, snorting. “Not that I had much of any to begin with, mind you, but my mum caught me sneaking back in in the first week of summer, so she set Kreacher to tail me and make sure I didn’t leave after that.”

“Merlin, Sirius, where were you even going?” James asked, concern written all over his face.

“Nowhere, everywhere,” Sirius said, an ironic half smile on his handsome face. “You know, the usual. I think I went to a park and just walked around Muggle London for a bit that day. I just needed a break from the house; it was suffocating me. Little good that did me when I was stuck in it for another four weeks, though.”

“Well, you’re out now,” James said encouragingly. “And I spend barely any time inside over the summer, here, you know that, so you’ll be sick of the outdoors by the time we go back to Hogwarts, I expect.”

“Not likely,” Sirius said. “I don’t think there’s enough fresh air in the world to get me tired of it, not after the last few weeks.”

“Was it awful?” James asked after a pause, his hazel eyes fixed on Sirius’ face. Sirius turned to look at him, his grey eyes meeting James’, and he sighed.

“It was a bit,” Sirius admitted. “But I don’t want to dwell on it, now. I just want to enjoy not being there, and breathe.”

“Sounds like a plan,” James said, smiling gently at him, and Sirius returned the smile tentatively. James began to help Sirius unpack his things, chatting as they did so. In thirty minutes time, the room felt more like home than Sirius’ room in Grimmauld Place ever had. This year, he had even brought a few posters to put up on his walls.

“Where in the world did you get this?” James asked incredulously as he held up Sirius’ new Queen poster. Sirius beamed at him, taking the poster from him and pinning it up on the wall.

“Found it in Muggle London in the first week of the holidays,” he said. “I managed to hide it from my mother all this time, which is good, so I could bring it here.”

“Did you  _ pay _ for it?” James asked, narrowing his eyes at his friend. Sirius gave James an amused look, raising his eyebrows and smirking.

“Give me some credit.”

“So that’d be a no, then.”

“It’s not like I have any Muggle money, Prongs,” Sirius defended. “Anyway, I didn’t shoplift. I managed to charm the attendant into giving it to me for free.”

James snorted. “Sure you did.”

“Hey, don’t underestimate my charms,” Sirius said. “You’d be surprised.”

“You’ve got about as much charm as a flobberworm, Padfoot,” James shot back, and Sirius grabbed him in a headlock, rubbing a fist on his already untidy hair as they tussled together.

“Come on, I’m hungry,” James said finally, pushing Sirius away from him and opening the door to head downstairs to the kitchen. They made themselves sandwiches, then went outside to eat them at the fire pit. It was a sunny day, and after they were finished eating, they sat in the sun, Sirius with his head tilted back, eyes closed and a slight, genuine smile on his face. James gazed as his friend affectionately, but with a touch of concern.

Sirius’ skin looked so pale that he was almost sparkling in the sun, and he had prominent, purple, under eye circles, as if he hadn’t slept in days. Still, he was there, with James and his parents, not in London anymore, and if Sirius said he didn’t want to talk about it, James wouldn’t force him.

Just then, Sirius looked up at James, smiling. “Can we go flying today?”

“Sure!” James exclaimed. “I’m sure Dorcas would be happy to lend you her broom, or you can fly my old one if she wants to join us when they come over.”

“Great,” Sirius said. “D’you think Moony will come over at some point this summer?”

“I haven’t asked him,” James said. “But it would be nice to see him.”

“I’ll write to him,” Sirius said. “The full moon is in a week or so, so he could come over after that, maybe. Wormtail, too.”

“I saw Pete a couple of weeks back,” James said. “I’m sure he’d be pleased to see you, too.”

“Oh, I almost forgot to ask,” Sirius said, sitting up a little straighter. “Have you had any more luck with your Animagus transformation since the end of term?”

“I haven’t gotten any further than the antlers,” James admitted. “You?”

“Me neither, no more than the paws,” Sirius sighed. “I don’t know if there’s more partial transformation, or if we go straight from where we are now to full animal forms.”

“I don’t think we’ll know until it happens,” James said. “I for one would rather just be able to transform fully. I don’t want to have to deal with hooves on my feet or something.”

Sirius let out a bark of laughter. “ _ That  _ would be hard to explain to your parents.”

“My dad would be so angry if he found out what we’re trying to do,” James said, looking sheepish. “Mum, too. They’d say it was too risky.”

“It is risky,” Sirius said, looking at James with a steady determination in his eyes. “But it’s worth it for Moony.”

“For Moony,” James agreed.

When Marlene and Dorcas arrived that afternoon, they all headed up to the enclosure at the top of the hill that they used for Quidditch, and Sirius immediately shot off into the open air, letting out a loud whoop and laughing. James followed him, and they did a lap around the pitch together. Looking sideways, James grinned at the look of pure joy on Sirius’ face. Things would be alright now that he was there.

....

On the first of September, James headed to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters with his parents and and Sirius. As it turned out, they had been able to have Peter over during the last weeks of the summer, but Remus had apologized profusely, telling them that his family had planned a visit to France after the full moon at the beginning of August, and that he would see them when school started, instead.

“Typical Moony,” Sirius had said, rolling his eyes in slight annoyance. “Elusive bastard.” His voice was tinged with affection, however, but James had agreed with him. They had never once seen Remus over any summer after they had started Hogwarts. It was as if the other boy forgot that his friends were still his friends even when they didn’t live together.

They said goodbye to James’ parents, Sirius thanking them for having him for the tenth time that day, and then hurried off into the crowd, eager to find their friends. They didn’t see either Remus or Peter, but they said hello to a couple of other people in their year, including James’ ex-girlfriend, Sarah, Mary’s Ravenclaw friend, Miranda, and Hestia Jones.

Just as they were about to get onto the train, hoping to find Remus and Peter in their usual compartment, James saw a flash of dark red hair out of the corner of his eye, and turned to see Lily Evans saying goodbye to her parents near the barrier. He had to blink a few times to make sure it was her, as she looked different than he remembered her. Her hair was darker and longer, making her emerald eyes stand out more in contrast. Her skin looked smooth, and her cheeks were slightly flushed. In addition, her curves were more pronounced than the previous year. James had to admit: she looked good.

“Prongs!” Sirius said loudly, staring at him in confusion. “What are you looking at?”

“Is that Evans?” James asked incredulously, turning to his best friend and nodding to the small family by the barrier. “I barely recognize her, she looks...different.”

Sirius looked over and snorted. “Looks like the same pain in my arse that I got rid of at the end of last year to me.”

“She’s pretty fit,” James said, raising his eyebrows in surprise at his own admission. “I don’t remember her being that fit last year.”

Sirius gave him a disgusted look. “You better not get all moony over Evans, Prongs, or I might have to seriously reconsider your position as my best friend.”

James laughed and rumpled Sirius’ hair, turning away from Lily. “You can always replace me with Remus, I guess; you have options.”

They turned and boarded the train, making their way down the corridor towards the compartment that they always sat in. Remus Lupin was already sitting there, and he looked up when James opened the door, a grin spreading across his face at the sight of him.

“Hey, Moony!” James exclaimed, walking in and pulling up his friend into a hug. Remus hadn’t grown over the summer, so he was now about an inch shorter than James, though they were both taller than Sirius.

“Good to see you again, James,” Remus said, smiling. James turned to sit down, lounging casually, and Remus turned to look at Sirius, his eyes widening slightly as he took in their friend.

“What happened to  _ you _ this summer, Sirius?” Remus asked, laughing awkwardly. “Stretching charm?”

Sirius laughed and walked forward to pull Remus into a hug. “It’s called growing, Moony. You’ve been doing it for the past two years without me. Now it’s my turn.”

“I guess it is,” Remus said, pulling back and sitting back down quickly. “I suppose you couldn’t stay short forever.”

“I still think I’ll end up taller than you,” James said, smirking at Sirius, who sat down across from him. “You’ve grown too much this summer, it’s got to stop at some point.”

“Who knows? I could dwarf you all at the end of this year,” Sirius said. Remus laughed again, shaking his head slightly as he looked at Sirius, his cheeks tinged slightly with red, and his blue eyes looking brighter than usual.

The door of the compartment slid open once again, and Peter stood in the doorway, looking slightly flustered, as he always did on the first day of the term. “Wormy!” Sirius exclaimed, smiling up at him. “You made it!”

“I made it,” Peter said, smiling and closing the compartment door behind him. James stood first to hug him, and Sirius and Remus followed him, Peter laughing at the onslaught. “I’ve missed you all, too. Bloody hell, Sirius, what kind of growth potion did you swallow this summer?”

“It’s because of James’ mother’s cooking,” Sirius said modestly, grinning. Peter sat down, and smiled around at them.

“Merlin, Remus!” Sirius exclaimed suddenly, looking over at their friend, a grin on his face. “I almost forgot. Show us that prefect badge!”

Remus flushed again, but rummaged around in his bag, pulling out the shining silver badge and holding it out for the rest of them to see. “Satisfied?” He asked Sirius, raising his eyebrows and looking embarrassed.

“Bloody hell, no. You need to put it on!” Sirius exclaimed, grinning widely at Remus. “Our little Prefect Moony. I’m so proud!” He pretended to wipe a tear away from his eye while Remus groaned and attached the badge to his robes, his face beet red.

“Stop laughing, Padfoot,” he snapped, rolling his eyes. “Dumbledore only made  _ me _ prefect because I’m the least troublemaking out of the four of us.”

“Only as far as they know,” James said, laughing slightly. “You have a trustworthy face.”

“Which one of the girls got the badge?” Peter asked the others curiously. “Do you know?”

“Evans did,” Sirius replied. “She wrote Dorcas about it. It should have been Dee, if you ask me. Marley thinks so, too. She’s a better student than Evans.”

“They do equally well in classes, as you well know,” Remus said, giving Sirius a quelling look, the color going down a bit in his face.

“Well, Evans has gotten detention before, and Dee never has,” Sirius shot back, smiling slightly.

“She only got detention the one time she hexed you for dropping that green goo on her,” Remus reminded him, shaking his head exasperatedly. “And we can’t know exactly what goes into making the decision. It could be a lot of factors.”

“Dorcas says that she doesn’t want it, anyway,” James said, shrugging. “She’d rather focus on classes. She said she’d rather Lily have the responsibility, I guess, and she said something about how she already has a leg up with her parents’ connections for getting a job, so she thinks having prefect on her record will do more for Evans than it will for her.”

“That’s probably true,” Remus said, thoughtfully. “Having a Muggle-born witch in an authority position also sends a message to pureblood elitists. It tells them that Hogwarts doesn’t put up with that kind of discrimination, especially with things getting worse all the time in the world.”

“True,” Sirius admitted grudgingly, unwilling as he was to admit that Lily might be a good choice for the job. He looked over at Remus again, a bright smile on his face. “So, Moony, are you going to use your position to help us out?”

Remus scowled at him. “Absolutely not, Padfoot,” he said. “Dumbledore is trusting me with this, I am not using the authority to help you all get away with breaking the rules.”

“But  _ Remus— _ ” Sirius whined, but the sound of the compartment door opening interrupted him. All four boys looked around to find Lily Evans in the doorway, looking in at them. She ignored the rest, and addressed Remus, giving him a smile.

“Hey, Remus,” she said. “Do you want to walk with me to the prefects’ compartment for the meeting?”

“Sure,” Remus said, standing up and smiling back at her, hastening to cross the compartment. “Good summer, Lily?”

“Oh, it was fine,” Lily said, smiling. She looked past him, nodding slightly as she acknowledged the other boys. “Hello, Peter. Potter, Black.”

“Evans,” James replied, looking at her with interest. Peter waved, giving her a smile, which she returned.

“I’ll see you all in a little bit,” Remus said, waving to his friends, and the two left. James turned back to the remaining two as the compartment door slid shut, giving them both incredulous looks.

“Please tell me I’m not crazy, Pete,” he said. “Evans got prettier over the summer, didn’t she?”

“I dunno, I guess,” Peter said, shrugging. “She’s always been pretty.”

“Shut up, Prongs,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes impatiently. “She’s stealing Moony from us.”

“Oh, stop being dramatic,” James replied. “Moony would never abandon us for Evans. What’s she got that we don’t have?”

“Breasts,” Peter offered, and James laughed, pulling out a game of Exploding Snap from his pocket. Peter joined him for a game as they began to catch up on the events that had happened since they had last been together, the train speeding out of London towards Hogwarts.

....

The first few weeks of classes were harder than any of the Marauders had suspected. They were all rather intimidated by the amount of work the professors were assigning, as well as the almost daily lectures they were getting on the importance of O.W.L.s, though some of them were taking it more seriously than others.

Remus, characteristically, was spending even more time in the library than usual, accompanied by Mary Macdonald, who seemed to have gotten over her crush on him long ago, luckily, and Lily Evans. In fact, Remus was spending rather a lot of time with Lily, in and out of the library, as they were now patrolling the corridors together during their weekly prefect rounds.

James, against his will, was rather jealous of Moony for this aspect of his life, as he was rapidly developing a crush on Lily, a fact that Sirius never failed to make fun of him for. Apart from being pretty, James had begun to notice certain things about the red-haired witch that he had always been oblivious to before, like the way she chewed on her quill while thinking in class, and the sparkle of her green eyes when she was mad about something. He had even begun to enjoy her telling him off, as he thought that it was actually quite attractive the way she took her prefect job so seriously. 

Fortunately or unfortunately, she was beginning to tell him off more and more these days, and not just for breaking the rules. Apparently, as Remus pointed out to him kindly one day after Charms class, James had the tendency to show off, especially when he fancied someone, and rather than finding that charming, Lily Evans seemed to find it downright obnoxious. These days, Lily was more prone to yelling at James than she was at Sirius, which, Sirius remarked unhelpfully, was the only silver lining of James having a crush on Lily. 

Despite all of this, Lily Evans was not all that James thought about. There was Quidditch, classes, and of course, the ever-present threat of Marlene McKinnon breaking into his dorm at any time to bother him.

“You will never fucking guess what I just heard!” Marlene said, storming into the boys dormitory without knocking one Thursday afternoon two weeks into term. James drew a pillow hastily over his bare chest, as he had been changing, but she ignored this, plopping down on Peter’s empty bed on her stomach and looking at James, her eyes wide.

“Hello, Marlene,” Remus said, entering from the bathroom and blinking in surprise to see her amusedly. She shot him a grin.

“You ought to be used to seeing me in your dorm by now,” she teased. “Anyway, James, guess what Hestia just told me?”

“I have no idea,” James said, rolling his eyes and pulling on a shirt. “What?”

“Bertha Jorkins, that gossipy seventh year Ravenclaw, is saying that she caught Marcus and Florey  _ snogging _ behind the greenhouses yesterday!” Marlene exclaimed. “Can you believe it?”

“I’m not sure I should if Bertha Jorkins is saying it,” James replied, but his eyebrows rose in surprise nonetheless. “You think it’s true?”

“Well, apparently Marcus hexed her for spreading the rumor, so all signs point to yes,” Marlene said. “It’s crazy, though! Marcus and Florey? This will set off the whole team dynamic!”

“Jealous, Marley?” James asked teasingly. “I know you had a crush on Chris last year, have you got another one on Marcus now?”

“Oh, shove off,” Marlene said, her cheeks reddening only slightly. “You’re more likely to be jealous than I am. You’re going to have to stop pining after Florey, finally!”

“I only fancied her in like first or second year!” James defended. “Anyway, never mind that. Do you think they’re dating?”

“I don’t know about  _ dating _ ,” Marlene snorted. “Who knows? They could just be snogging. It’s not that unusual, you know.”

“Of course I  _ know _ that,” James said, shooting her an amused look. “I’ve snogged more people than you, Marley, don’t forget.”

“Oh,  _ please _ ,” Marlene said, rolling her eyes, her chin propped up on her elbows on the bed. “Who’ve you snogged lately, anyway? Last I heard it was just Sarah in third year, and I doubt that was even proper snogging.”

“I’ll have you know that I snogged someone else at the end of last year,” James said satisfiedly. “And I snogged Evans in third year, too,” he said, smiling at the memory.

“You didn’t  _ snog _ Evans,” Marlene spluttered, laughing. “By that definition, you snogged Peter, too! It was a peck in Spin the Bottle. Anyway, who did you snog last year?”

“I don’t kiss and tell,” James replied mysteriously.

“I guess no witch in her right mind would want to admit that she kissed you.”

James crossed his arms over his chest, slightly offended. “Well, who have  _ you _ snogged, then? And according to you, Spin the Bottle doesn’t count, so other than that.”

“Well, I happened to have snogged someone last year, too,” Marlene said, smirking.

“You’re lying,” James said, raising his eyebrows disbelievingly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Like you said, I don’t kiss and tell,” Marlene smiled.

“Well, who was it, then?”

“Derek Alton, from Ravenclaw,” Marlene said, a little arrogantly.

“But he’s a sixth year!” James exclaimed, looking impressed against his own will.

“He’s only a year older than us,” Marlene said. “And he’s a good kisser.”

“Gross, Marley,” James said, making a face. “I don’t want to think about you snogging anyone, you’re like my sister.”

“Better get used to it, Jamie,” Marlene teased. “You’re just jealous because he’s better looking than you.”

“Oi, Derek Alton is in no way better looking than me!”

“He objectively is, mate,” Sirius said, entering the dormitory at that moment and walking across to his bed to throw his bag down. James huffed while Marlene laughed.

“Florey and Marcus are together,” James shot at Sirius, hoping to shock him with the information.

“Really?” Sirius said, looking up at them with a look of slight interest on his face.

“James will have to stop pining after her, now,” Marlene remarked, grinning. Sirius gave James a knowing look.

“Oh, Prongs here has moved on to other targets, haven’t you?”

“Shut it, Padfoot,” James said, flushing a deep red and glaring at him.

“Oh, no, I’m surprised you don’t know already, Marley,” Sirius said, a wicked grin on his face. “James fancies  _ Evans _ .”

“What?!” Marlene exclaimed, pushing herself up from her position on the bed and staring at James with what he considered to be an all too accusatory look. “You’ve got to be bloody kidding me, James.  _ Lily Evans? _ ”

“Trust me, there’s no talking him out of it,” Sirius said, turning back to the bed. “I’ve been trying.”

“You’re all ridiculous,” Remus said, looking up from the book he was reading on his bed, where he had been ignoring them for a few minutes. “Lily is nice.”

“ _ Thank _ you, Moony!” James said, gesturing to Remus with his hand, a grin on his face.

“Way too good for Prongs, obviously,” Remus continued. “But very nice.”

“Are you  _ fucking _ kidding me, Moony?” James exclaimed, rounding on him as Sirius and Marlene broke into peals of laughter. “Not you, too!” Remus just shrugged, a slight, satisfied smile on his face as he went back to his reading.

....

It was 6am on a Saturday morning in late September when one of the biggest events in James Potter’s life happened. James had woken up feeling restless that morning, even earlier than he usually did, and gone down to breakfast without the rest of the Marauders. Grabbing a couple pieces of toast from the empty Gryffindor table, he headed out onto the grounds, thinking that a walk would clear his mind. He was halfway around the lake, dusting off crumbs from his fingers as he finished his toast, when he felt a sudden twisting feeling in his stomach.

He froze, breathing slowly and trying to figure out the source of the strange tingling sensation currently running through his body. Before he could, however, his stomach twisted more violently, and James fell to the ground. 

After a moment, he looked down, and found that instead of feet, he had….. _ hooves? _

He turned his head, and found himself looking back at, not his side, but his flank, which had soft brown hair on it. The weight on his head, he knew, was that of his antlers, but when he tried to open his mouth to cry out, the only sound he produced was a slight, low grunt. Testing out his hooves, he walked unsteadily to the water’s edge, bending his head over it. In the lake’s clear surface, he could make out his blurry reflection: looking back it him was the face of a deer, antlers rising high over his head.  _ No, not a deer _ , he thought.  _ A stag. _ He lifted his head from the water, standing tall for the first time, and realized that he was at least a foot taller than he was as a human.

He barely had time to marvel over this amazing development before his stomach twisted once again, and he was suddenly flat on his back on the grass, back in his normal body. Scrambling to his feet, he looked around and spotted the hoof prints which he had left at the water’s edge, confirmation that it was not all a dream. He let out a loud whoop, and raced back into the castle. He  _ had _ to tell the others about this.


	16. Complicated

October brought frosts to the grounds of Hogwarts, and when Lily looked out her window one morning to see the grass sparkling in the morning sun, she smiled to herself. She loved winter, and couldn’t wait for the snow to cover the grounds, making the castle look like a picture out of a fairy tale. The sun shone, bright and cold, and Lily knew that it would melt the frost in no time. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a movement near the Forbidden Forest, and, looking closer, realized that there was a large, black dog near the tree line, bounding along happily.

Lily shook her head exasperatedly. No doubt some student had decided to smuggle a pet dog into the castle, then allowed it to run free and get lost. Probably a Gryffindor.

Turning away from the window, Lily pulled on her school uniform with an extra jumper for good measure, and grabbed her bag. She cast one last look out the window, and, seeing that the dog was gone, headed down the stairs to the common room.

The common room was almost empty when she entered, with only a few students milling around, presumably waiting for their friends to go down to breakfast. Lily passed through without a word, exiting the portrait hole and heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

It was a Monday morning, so many of the people seated at their house tables had bleary, tired looks on their faces as they grumbled to their friends about their homework or lessons. Spotting Severus at the Slytherin table, Lily made to catch his eye, but he didn’t look at her, so she moved along to the Gryffindor table and sat down at the very end, pulling a platter of food towards her.

She ate alone for a few minutes until someone slid into the spot across from her. Looking up in surprise, Lily saw it was Remus. He smiled at her, setting his plate down. “I saw you from the end of the table, thought I’d join.”

“Where are your musketeers?” Lily asked, returning the smile. Remus grinned and shrugged.

“Out galavanting somewhere, I think. I’m not quite sure. Peter was still asleep when I left the dormitory, but Sirius and James’ beds were empty, so I’m sure I’ll hear about it later.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Hopefully, whatever they’re up to isn’t ridiculous enough that I hear about it, too.”

“Here’s to hoping,” Remus said, smiling slightly. “Where are the other girls in your dormitory?”

“I’m sure that Mary, Emmeline, and Hestia will be down in a bit,” Lily said. “And Dorcas and Marlene were gone when I got up, so I assume they’re walking around the grounds this morning. They do that often.”

Remus nodded, and they fell into a comfortable silence as they ate their food, which was only broken when James Potter and Sirius Black slid into the seats next to them five minutes later, both grinning widely.

“Good morning, Evans,” James said, sitting down next to Lily and shooting her a grin.

“Morning, Potter,” she replied shortly, raising her eyebrows and shifting slightly away from him.

“Where have you two been, then?” Remus asked, looking only mildly curious as he took a sip from his goblet of pumpkin juice.

“Just exploring the grounds a bit, Moony,” Sirius responded, beaming at Remus. His cheeks were slightly flushed, probably from the cold, and he looked very happy about something. Lily looked at him suspiciously. Nothing that made Sirius Black this happy could be good news.

Remus glanced at Sirius sideways and returned his grin with a small smile. For a moment, Lily thought she saw some kind of secret signal pass between them in the look, but she blinked and it was gone.

“Why didn’t you bring Peter with you, then?” Remus asked James. James shrugged.

“Wormy needed his beauty sleep,” he said. “He’ll be able to join us soon, I’d bet.”

Lily rolled her eyes inwardly, turning back to her food. Clearly, the boys were speaking in some kind of “Marauder” code, which she knew she would not be able to interpret even if she wanted to. Luckily, Dorcas saved her from being the fourth wheel of their little boyband as she sat down on Lily’s other side.

“Good morning,” Dorcas said cheerfully, smiling at Lily. Her cheeks, too, were flushed with cold. Marlene sat down across from her, immediately grabbing a goblet of pumpkin juice and ignoring Lily.

“Morning,” Lily replied cheerfully. “Did you have a good walk?”

“It was nice,” Dorcas said. “It’s getting a bit chilly these days, though.”

“You should have told me if you were cold,” Marlene said, looking up from piling food onto her plate. “I could have lent you my jacket.”

“I was fine,” Dorcas replied, giving Marlene a smile. “Your tolerance to cold always amazes me, Marley.”

Marlene shrugged. “I’m just warm blooded is all.”

“You didn’t happen to see a dog out there, did you?” Lily asked Dorcas. “I saw one from our window this morning.”

“A dog? No, I didn’t,” Dorcas replied, furrowing her brow slightly.

“There are no dogs at Hogwarts,” James said quickly, making Lily glance at him suspiciously.

“Yeah, Evans, you must have been imagining things,” Sirius said carelessly, smirking at her. Remus shot him a glare, and Lily simply rolled her eyes and turned back to her food. She wasn’t in the mood to snap back at him.

“Ready for Arithmancy this morning?” Dorcas asked Lily. Lily nodded.

“The homework was a bit difficult, but it hopefully Professor Vector won’t be too harsh,” Lily replied.

“She rarely is,” Dorcas said. “It  _ was  _ pretty complex.”

“I can always give you hand if you want, Evans,” James said, helpfully, leaning towards her with a wide grin on his face. “I’m great at Arithmancy.”

“I don’t need a hand from you, thanks, Potter,” Lily responded, rolling her eyes and turning resolutely away from him. Marlene stifled a snicker with her hand, meeting Sirius’ eyes conspiratorially, and Dorcas rolled her eyes at the exchange.

....

When classes ended, Lily went out onto the grounds to read her large Ancient Runes book and enjoy the cold sunlight on the grounds. Her favorite spot to sit was by the edge of the lake, leaning against a tree as she did her work. It was peaceful, though anyone watching her might think she was lonely, with the grounds deserted around her, but Lily didn’t mind.

That was where Severus found her after his classes ended, too. Lily, absorbed in her reading, didn’t notice that he was approaching until he was right in front of her, and had set down his bag on the grass beside her to sit down.

“Hey, Sev,” she said, laying her book down on her lap. “How were your lessons?”

“Fine,” he replied. “Nothing too exciting on Mondays for me. Yours?”

“They were good,” Lily responded. “I like Mondays. They’re busy, but good.”

“Doing Ancient Runes work?” Severus asked, nodding to the book in her lap. Lily nodded.

“We got a lot of reading from Professor Babbling for Wednesday,” she said. “It’s interesting, though. Have you got a lot of work?”

“Not much,” Severus responded. “I’ve actually been working on a project outside of classes a bit. You know how I’m interested in inventing spells?”

His whole face lit up as he brought up the subject, and Lily could tell that he was bursting with whatever information he was about to share. “Yes?” She asked, raising her eyebrows curiously.

“Well, I think I’m beginning to get somewhere with one of them,” Severus said. “It’s called  _ Levicorpus _ , and the theory is that it will lift someone off the ground by their ankle.”

“Why would you want to do that?” Lily asked, her brow furrowed in concern. Severus rolled his eyes at her.

“Oh, come on, Lily,” he said, his voice incredulous. “Wouldn’t you pay to see Potter or Black hoisted up by their ankle in midair, helpless?”

“I don’t know, Sev,” Lily said. “That’s not exactly my idea of humor.”

“They’d deserve it,” Severus said, as if he hadn’t heard her words, a savage, greedy look on his face. “After all those stupid pranks they do on the Slytherins.”

“They’re immature prats, yes,” Lily said. “But Severus, is this spell safe?”

“I’m still working out the kinks,” Severus said, waving his hand dismissively. “I made it nonverbal, which helped immensely.”

“How do you even know it works?” Lily asked, blinking in confusion. Then it dawned on her. “Wait, you haven’t been using it on people, have you?”

“It’s not a dangerous spell, Lily,” Severus said, smiling slightly at the look on her face. “It’s just a laugh, really.”

“And who says it’s just a laugh? Rosier, Macnair, Wilkes, and Travers?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at him accusingly.

“If you have a problem with who I spend my time with—” Severus responded, raising one dark eyebrow and looking at her coldly.

“I’ve told you before that I do,” Lily said. “I don’t trust those boys, and I don’t think that trying out an unknown spell on random students is funny, even if they do.”

“I should have known you would react this way,” Severus responded, shaking his head in disappointment.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Lily said, hurt. Severus sighed and rolled his eyes.

“It just means...I’ve made my own spell, and you’re not being exactly supportive.”

“I think it’s great that you’re interested in inventing spells, Severus,” Lily said. “I just wish they didn’t involve hanging people upside down by their ankle.”

“Well, when you come up with a better one, let me know,” Severus responded. “Do you want me to leave you alone, then, or can I stay?”

“I never asked you to leave,” Lily said. “I just wanted to—”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, Lily,” Severus said. “Merlin, the other Gryffindors are really rubbing off on you.”

“Well, I am a Gryffindor, Severus,” Lily said, stung.

“You don’t need to remind me,” he said under his breath, digging around in his bag and pulling out a book and opening it, clearly done with the conversation. Lily opened her mouth several times, trying to think of something else to say to get him to see reason, then closed it. She turned back to her own book, a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach, and had a hard time concentrating thereafter.

Lily and Severus only spoke again when the sun began to set over the lake, and Lily got up, brushing grass off her skirt. “We’d better go to dinner,” she said. 

“Do you want to study in the library after?” Severus asked. “We could do the essay for Professor Slughorn.”

“I have prefect rounds with Remus tonight,” Lily said apologetically. “How about we work on the essay tomorrow?”

“Oh,” Severus said, his face growing cold again. “Say hello to him for me.” His voice was deadpan, and Lily stared at him.

“You’re not serious,” she said flatly.

“No, of course I’m not serious,” Severus responded stiffly. They walked back up to the castle in silence, and parted in the Entrance Hall to go to their respective house tables.

....

Two hours later, as Lily walked down a deserted corridor with Remus by her side, both of their wands illuminated as they checked for people out of bed after hours, Lily’s mind went back to the conversation by the lake. The spell that Severus had created continued to nag at her mind. Was she truly overreacting? It was not as if the spell was particularly dark or dangerous, but still, the thought of someone hanging upside down like that, dangling helplessly midair...it made her skin crawl. There was something wrong about it, she thought, and there was something even more wrong about the idea of Severus enjoying the sight of something like that, helpless in front of him.

“Remus?” Lily asked. Her voice sounded strange in the silence, high and rather anxious, foreign to her.

“Hmm?” Remus said, looking at her curiously. Her brow was furrowed, her green eyes conflicted as she turned to look at him.

“What would you do if you realized your friend was….well, maybe not who you thought they were?”

Remus stiffened slightly. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just...with Severus lately,” Lily said. “I just feel like I barely know him anymore. Over time, I just feel more and more distant from him and I don’t understand how he can say the things he does and hang around the people he does.”

Remus visibly relaxed, and sighed. “I’m not sure what to tell you, Lily,” he replied. “You know how I feel about Severus.”

“I don’t, actually,” Lily said, glancing at him, her green eyes searching. “You always keep your thoughts about him to yourself, around me at least.”

“I don’t like him,” Remus said bluntly. “I hate the way he treats me, and the way he treats my friends. And everyone, to be frank. Even if you don’t see it, Lily, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. I’ve heard him call too many people slurs for me to like him.”

“No one ever tells me about what he does,” Lily replied quietly. “Not anymore.”

“It’s because we all know that you don’t want to hear it,” Remus said. “But for the record, and as long as you’re asking, Lily: I don’t think you should be friends with him. You deserve better than someone who treats you like you’re an exception to their prejudice.”

“He’s my oldest friend,” Lily said feebly. “I just want to...I don’t know, save him from all of it.”

“That’s not your job,” Remus said, sharply. “I’m sorry, but it isn’t. And if he can’t see what he’s doing is wrong by now, I’m not sure if he’ll ever see it.”

They walked in silence for a long moment, Lily seeming to take in what Remus had said, and Remus looking at her out of the corner of his eye, his eyes piercing. Lily finally turned to him again, her eyes wide and searching.

“Remus...did you flinch earlier because you thought I was talking about you? When I said the thing about finding out your friend is not who you think they are, I mean.”

“W-What?” Remus said, heat rushing into his face. “What do you mean?”

Lily gave him a long look full of meaning, halting them where they stood as she looked at him seriously. “Remus,” she said, her words quiet and gentle, as if she was trying to soften the blow. “I know you’re a werewolf.”

“Lily,” Remus said, forcing a laugh which came out sounding very strained. “Why on earth would you say that?”

“Come on, Remus,” Lily said, raising her eyebrows at him. “I’ve known for a while. I just never brought it up because I figured you didn’t want me to know. But I would never tell anyone. You don’t have to lie.”

Remus looked like he was struggling with himself for a moment, and started to speak several times, then finally met Lily’s eyes. She looked so genuine, so kind, that he couldn’t even muster a lie.

“How long have you known?” He asked tiredly, continuing slowly down the corridor.

“I did a lot of reading about the wizarding world before I got to Hogwarts,” Lily said, matching Remus’ slow pace. “And I noticed that you were ill or missing about once a month in first year. One day I realized that you were gone on the full moon, and then I kept track after that. I was certain by the end of the year.”

“First year?” Remus choked out, looking at her, shocked. “You’ve known since  _ first year _ and you never said anything?”

“Like I said,” Lily replied. “I didn’t think you wanted me to know. And it never made any difference to me.”

“You’re—” Remus started, then shook his head exasperatedly. “You’re a bloody miracle, Lily Evans, do you know that?”

Lily laughed. “I’m not sure what that means, but I’ll take it as a compliment.”

“It is one,” Remus said, sighing and running a hand over his hair. “I mean...thank you. For not saying anything, and not seeing me differently.”

“Of course not,” Lily said, smiling. “Do your friends know? Your dormmates, I mean.”

“Yes, they know. Since second year.”

“Let me guess: Black got nosy,” Lily said, giving Remus a knowing look. Remus shot her another surprised stare.

“Are you a Legilimens by any chance?”

Lily snorted slightly. “No, I just know your friends. Potter is oblivious and so is Peter, but Sirius gets in everyone’s business.  _ Especially _ yours.”

“He was very nosy about it in second year,” Remus admitted. “Kept prying and asking questions about where I went. It scared the living daylights out of me, if I’m honest. But they were great about it.”

“I’ll have to add that to a short list of their redeeming qualities,” Lily replied, unable to conceal her smile.

“Maybe if you gave them a chance, it would be longer,” Remus said, smiling slightly.

“Oh, please,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “If you start preaching to me about their good qualities, I will have to re-evaluate being  _ your _ friend.”

“No preaching here,” Remus said, holding up his hands and smiling. “I just think that things aren’t as black and white as you may think they are, Lily. You may want to consider the idea that while James and Sirius are annoying prats some of the time, they might also be good people.”

“I guess I’ll take it under advisement,” Lily said, only half joking. “It’s hard to tell who is good and who is bad around here these days,” she admitted. “Feels like everyone is against each other in the wizarding world, and I never know who is right.”

“It’s not always clear to me, either,” Remus said. “Not for werewolf rights, that’s for sure. Most wizards think werewolves are animals, I can tell you. And even most wizards who support Muggle-born and magical creature rights.”

“That’s terrible,” Lily said, looking at him sympathetically.

“It is,” Remus said, shrugging, his voice measured. “But then there are some people who advocate for us. The thing is, though, a lot of those people are on the wrong side. Lord Voldemort, that wizard that’s gaining power, thinks he can use werewolves for his agenda and says he’ll give them rights after he takes over. That’s partially why it’s so taboo to stand up for werewolf rights. We’re dark creatures.”

“But you’re not dark!” Lily exclaimed, looking at him incredulously. “You’re just you. It’s not something you can help. You didn’t ask for it to happen to you.”

Remus let out a hollow laugh. “You grew up with Muggles, though, Lily,” he reminded her. “In my opinion, that’s an advantage in some ways, in terms of how you view the wizarding world. These kind of prejudices...they run deep, and they’re passed down from generation to generation. It’s awful, but it’s the way it is.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Lily said fiercely.

“No, it shouldn’t,” Remus said tiredly. “But to your earlier point, I do think that there is more of a clear cut line between good and bad when it comes to Muggle-born rights and prejudice. People choose their sides. Maybe that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true.”

Lily sighed. “I don’t want there to be sides,” she said. “I didn’t sign up for any of this when I came into the wizarding world, Remus. I just want things to be simple.”

“I know,” Remus said. “It’s awful. None of us signed up for any of it. And I hope it won’t be like this forever. There are people like Dumbledore and Marlene’s father fighting for rights in the Ministry.”

“Marlene’s father?” Lily asked, looking confused.

“Oh, yes, Mr. McKinnon is head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation in the Ministry,” Remus said, raising his eyebrows at Lily. “He’s got quite a lot of power there, James says, and he lobbies for the end of blood status discrimination often.”

“I didn’t know that,” Lily said, her eyes narrowed contemplatively.

Remus smiled slightly at her. “Marlene was raised to think everyone should be equal, no matter their blood status,” he said. “And I know she believes that with her whole heart. You must know that she routinely picks fights over it.”

“I thought she just hated Slytherin house,” Lily admitted.

Remus laughed. “She does. But there’s more to Marlene than the irritating pain in the arse roommate that you love to hate, Lily.”

“I don’t  _ hate _ her,” Lily said defensively. “I just don’t like her very much. And she doesn’t like me either.”

“She hates to see you stand up for Snape,” Remus said. “I think that’s most of her dislike for you, to be honest. She just thinks you’re a hypocrite for doing it.”

“Do you think I’m a hypocrite?” Lily asked, looking at him rather desperately. Remus smiled sadly and shook his head.

“No, Lily,” he said. “I think it’s more complicated than that.”

Remus’ words stuck with Lily for a long time, and she thought about it as she climbed into her four poster bed that night and drew the curtains around her. The rest of the girls had already gone to sleep, and the room was quiet and still, except for Marlene’s soft snoring from her bed across the room. In her first year, Lily had been annoyed by Marlene’s snores, but over the years she had grudgingly acknowledged that there was nothing better to lull her to sleep. Remus was right, she thought, laying down on her pillow and drawing her covers over her. Things were more complicated than Lily sometimes gave them credit for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for missing a week posting! My life has been very busy lately, but now my finals are over and I will have tons more time to write.


	17. The Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: pain, broken bones

“So what about Tuesday?” Sirius asked, walking back from Charms one Friday morning in mid November, trailing in Remus’ wake as the other boy marched resolutely towards the grounds, where they had Care of Magical Creatures before lunch. James and Peter walked a few paces behind them, observing but not joining their conversation.

“What about Tuesday?” Remus asked, staring directly in front of him to avoid Sirius’ gaze.

“Oh, don’t play dumb, Moony!” Sirius exclaimed, rolling his eyes. “You  _ know _ it’s the full moon. It’s been over a month since we’ve all been able to transform into animals, and last full moon you deflected, now you’re avoiding. Out with it, what’s wrong?”

“Keep your voice down,” Remus said, even though they were at least 10 yards away from all of their other classmates. “Look, I just think you all need to practice more before—”

“That’s what you said last month!” Sirius exclaimed indignantly in a loud whisper. “We’ve practiced all we need to! It’s easy at this point, isn’t it Prongs, Wormtail?”

Remus glanced back at the other two boys. James was giving Sirius an annoyed,  _ leave me out of this _ kind of look, while Peter flushed and said quietly, “I mean, it is pretty natural now, Moony.” He quailed under the glare that Remus fixed him with.

“See, Moony?” Sirius said, giving Remus a self-satisfied look. “It’s a piece of cake, we don’t  _ need  _ any more practice.”   


“Look, I’m just not comfortable with it yet, okay. Another month, maybe,” Remus said. They were nearing the Care of Magical Creatures class now.

“We’ve been working on this for  _ three years _ , Moony,” Sirius persisted. “And you know what it’s all been for? It’s been for you, so you don’t have to be in as much pain as you always are every month.”

“You don’t need to remind me of that, Padfoot,” Remus snapped. “I think I know what kind of pain I’ve been in better than you do.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, his voice slightly lower. “That’s not what I meant. I just—I just want to help.”

“Can we talk about this later?” Remus asked tensely as they joined their class, who were all gathered around Professor Kettleburn. Sirius nodded, abashed. Remus turned away from his friends to look at Professor Kettleburn, also, as he began to talk about Porlocks, but out of the corner of his eye he saw James give Sirius an admonitory look.

“You’re never going to convince him if you act like that,” James whispered under his breath. “The more aggressive you get about it, the more Moony will dig his heels in. Just let up, okay?”

Remus didn’t hear Sirius’ reply. He looked over at Mary and Lily, who were both taking notes furiously, and grabbed his notebook out of his bag to do the same. 

....

Sirius didn’t bring up the subject of the full moon during any of the rest of their classes, and stayed uncharacteristically silent throughout the day. That afternoon, Peter went off to do Muggle Studies homework with Layla Greengrass, whom he was beginning to date, while Remus, Sirius, and James returned to the dormitory. Remus set his bag down next to his bed, and began to rummage through it, taking out his textbooks and placing them on his bedside table.

“Moony?” Sirius asked behind him. His voice was tentative, and Remus sighed and turned to look at him, knowing that he was going to return to the subject that they had both been avoiding all day. Sirius’ grey eyes looked vulnerable, cautious. Remus always wondered at how Sirius could turn so quickly from aggressive and loud to the way he looked now, with this heartbreakingly soft expression on his face as he looked at Remus.

“Yes?” Remus asked.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Sirius said, coming forward to stand in front of the other boy awkwardly. “You know me, I get worked up too easily. And I hate to see you in pain, Remus.”

Remus hesitated, looking at Sirius then quickly looking away. “I know.”   


“It’s just that everything driving me to become an Animagus was to help you, and to stop you from being in pain,” Sirius admitted, and Remus knew he was still gazing at him, his eyes burning a hole in Remus’ cheek as Remus avoided his eyes. “And now we’ve done it, and you still won’t let me help.”

There was a pause. “I’m scared,” Remus admitted, finally looking at Sirius again.

“I know,” Sirius responded. “But you don’t need to be.”

“But I  _ do  _ need to be,” Remus said. “I  _ do _ .”

“Maybe,” James piped up, and Remus started slightly. He had forgotten that the other boy was there. “If you told us what you were scared of, it would help.”

Remus stared at him, then took a deep breath. “What if your research was wrong? What if I go after one of you, and then I bite you and you turn? What if one of the teachers find out and you all get expelled for being unregistered Animagi? What if one of our classmates find out and we all get exposed to the whole wizarding world?”

He said all this very quickly, staring at James and avoiding Sirius’ eyes, though he knew that Sirius was still looking at him. There was a short silence, then James spoke again.

“You can trust us,” he said quietly, walking over to Remus and putting a hand on his shoulder briefly. “I can’t say much else to convince you that it’s going to be okay, and that those things aren’t going to happen, but I can tell you that you can trust us. We will always be cautious and we will  _ always  _ keep your secret. I hope you know that.”

Remus sighed. “I do, but—”

“I know we’re not always the most cautious about our other exploits,” Sirius interrupted. “But those are trivial. This is important. I swear, we  _ will _ be careful.”

“You’ve never seen me in my werewolf form before,” Remus said, so low that they could barely hear him. As soon as he said it, he knew: This was it, this was the thing that had filled him with dread from the moment when James had first announced that he had been able to transform fully into his Animagus form.  _ What if they see me and think I’m a monster after all? _

“Is that what’s bothering you?” Sirius asked. “You think we’ll see you differently afterward?”

Remus, his throat tight all of a sudden, gave a tiny nod.

“That’s not going to happen,” James said. “We know what you are, Moony. You’re a werewolf, but you’re not a monster. Whatever happens, I’ll always know you as our Remus, our friend. The one who judges us over our prank ideas and threatens to give us detention though I know you’ll never really do it.”

Remus snorted slightly, a smile playing across his face against his will.

“I know it’s not the same, but I’ve seen pictures of werewolves,” Sirius said, grinning slightly. “They just look like normal wolves to me, except for the tufted tail, shape of the snout, and pupils of the eyes. I doubt your appearance will throw any of us off.”

“What about Wormtail?” Remus said. “Do you think he feels the same?”

“Wormy’s fine,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, he can’t do that much, he’s too small. He’ll run and hide if he’s scared, that’s what he always does when a prank goes south. Don’t worry about him.”

“You know,” James said. “You’re not going to be any less scared next full moon, or the one after that. And if you let us come this time, it’s one fewer full moon that you have to endure alone.”

Remus stood still for a second, looking at them both. Their faces were set, determined, and so he relented. “I go up to the shack with Madam Pomfrey at sunset,” he said, his heart beating fast as he tried to comprehend the magnitude of what he had just agreed to. “But I only transform when the moon gets higher in the sky, around 6 pm or so. You can’t come before that. Come at 7, I’ll be fully transformed then.”

“But—” Sirius said.

“No,” Remus cut him off, sending him a glare. “I don’t want you to see it.”

“Okay,” Sirius responded, looking slightly taken aback at Remus’ harsh tone.

“Are you sure, Moony?” James asked gently. “I don’t want you to feel pressured into this.”

“I’m sure,” Remus said, his jaw set, his heart pounding rapidly against his chest. “I—it’ll be alright, won’t it?” He gazed desperately from Sirius to James.

“Of course it will,” Sirius said, his eyes blazing with certainty, which Remus was grateful for.  _ It will be alright. _

....

The weekend passed in a blur, and sooner than Remus had expected, Tuesday dawned, cold and clear. He fidgeted his way through his lessons, his eyes flitting to the clock every so often, thinking about that evening. Of course, full moon days were often like this: anticipation and nerves on edge, his moods unstable and his whole body feeling restless and tense. Throughout the day, his muscles would tense and release, and he would sometimes feel his joints and bones shift slightly, as if they were readying themselves for the evening. It hurt, but nothing could compare to what happened on the full moon.

They didn’t know about that part, not even Sirius. Of course, Sirius knew when Remus was in pain when he had healing scratches or bite marks afterwards, but Remus had never gone into detail with any of his friends about how much it hurt to have his bones reshape themselves into his wolf form during the transformations, and how he ached for days afterwards, as if they were still shifting back.

He didn’t want them to see him transforming, didn’t want them to hear him scream, his brain halfway between wolf and human, both parts of his mind in pure agony. They couldn’t understand that. They were Animagi, not werewolves, and Animagi transformed without pain. Lycanthropy was a curse, after all. Being an Animagus was a choice.

“Are you alright, Remus?” Lily asked quietly from next to him in Transfiguration. He started slightly, and turned to her, realizing as he did so that he had been tapping his quill nervously on his desk.

“Yes, I’m sorry, Lily,” he said guiltily, putting his quill down and trying to calm his restless hands. “I’m just a bit fidgety today.”

“It’s—” she looked around surreptitiously, but everyone else was focusing on the task of vanishing the hedgehogs that Professor McGonagall had set them. “It’s the full moon tonight, isn’t it?” She whispered, looking at him sympathetically.

“Yes, it is,” Remus said. He noticed that at the front of the classroom, McGonagall was studiously pretending not to notice that he and Lily were not working on their vanishing spells, and smiled slightly. McGonagall always went easy on him the days leading up to and following full moons.

“You’re nervous?” Lily asked. Remus sighed.

“Yeah, I always am,” he admitted, looking at her. Her emerald eyes glinted slightly in the rare sun streaming from the windows. She nodded.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”

“Quite a lot,” Remus said, grimacing.

“Are you in pain now?” Lily asked. Remus turned to stare at her. How could she know?

“How did you—”

“Just something about the way you’re moving today,” Lily shrugged. “It’s subtle, but different.”

“Yeah, I’m always in pain around the full moons,” Remus said. “No one’s ever really noticed that before.”

“I guess I’m more observant than most, then,” Lily said, smiling. “Is there anything I can do, Remus? To help, I mean.”

Remus smiled at her, surprised but grateful at her offer. “There isn’t, but thanks, Lily,” he said. “I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” Lily said, looking back at her hedgehog, which was nosing around on the desk, its needles only a little paler than they were at the start of the lesson. “I’m rubbish at Transfiguration,” she moaned slightly, looking at it impatiently.

Remus laughed. “You’re not rubbish at Transfiguration,” he said. “You probably have an E in this class. It’s just not your  _ best _ class.”

“Just like Potions isn’t your best,” Lily teased.

Remus snorted. “I think that comparing my Potions skills to your Transfiguration skills is a bit rich,” he said. “Don’t insult yourself.”

Lily giggled. “There’s always room for improvement.”

“Sure, Potions princess,” Remus said. Lily scoffed and shoved his arm lightly, but they were both laughing.

“Mr. Lupin, Miss Evans, I would appreciate it if you turned your attention back to the task at hand,” Professor McGonagall said from the front of class, raising her eyebrows at them, but there was no bite behind her words.

“Sorry, Professor,” Remus said, giving her a small smile, while Lily smiled apologetically as well. Lily turned back to her hedgehog, and Remus felt a little bit better, even though a headache had began to pound behind his temple. Glancing around, he spotted Sirius and James at a table near theirs. Sirius was still trying to vanish his hedgehog, while James’ was gone, and he was staring at Remus and Lily wistfully.

As James saw Remus looking at him, he raised his eyebrows hopefully and nodded to Lily, which Remus knew meant:  _ Can you talk me up to her? _ He had only asked Remus to do so about a million times before. Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head, and James slumped back into his seat, looking grumpy. Remus snorted exasperatedly, smiling, and turned back to his work.

Remus’ good mood didn’t last long. After Transfiguration was double History of Magic, and while Lily had promised him that she would lend him her notes if he didn’t share them with the rest of the Marauders, he couldn’t relax. His skin kept crawling and his body was beginning to heat up, as if he had a fever. He felt as if he was shut in a small space full of hot air, trapped in his own body.

“You alright, Moony?” Sirius said, leaning over to look at Remus more closely, concern in his grey eyes.

“Fine,” Remus responded through gritted teeth, resisting the urge to push Sirius away from him. If anyone so much as touched him at the moment, he would have to try hard not to punch them. Sirius nodded, though his eyes were disbelieving, and he leaned back away from him, as if sensing Remus’ mood.

The clock moved very slowly, but at four thirty the bell finally rang, and Remus practically leapt to his feet, desperate to leave the stuffy classroom. Sirius, standing up beside him, reached over to grab Remus’ bag.

“I can bring this back to the dormitory for you,” he said quietly, swinging it over his shoulder. “You have to go meet Madam Pomfrey now, don’t you?”

“Thanks,” Remus said. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.” He realized, then, that the next time Sirius would see him, he would be in his wolf form. His heart began to beat even faster than it already had because of the approaching transformation, and he met Sirius’ grey eyes, feeling terrified again. “Sirius—”

“It’ll be alright,” Sirius said, reaching out as if to touch Remus’ shoulder, then thinking better of it. His eyes were steady, however. “I’ll see you later.”

“Okay,” Remus said, nodding and trying to make himself believe it. He hesitated, then turned and hurried out of the classroom.

Luckily, the History of Magic classroom was very close to the Hospital Wing, and Madam Pomfrey was waiting for him. “Ah, Mr. Lupin,” she said as he hurried in. “Ready to go?”

“Yes,” Remus responded, his heart beating rapidly.

Madam Pomfrey led him across the darkening lawn towards the Whomping Willow, then used her wand to levitate a stick on a ground to prod the knot at the base of the tree, causing it to freeze so they could get through to the tunnel. They entered, both bent double due to the low ceiling, and hurried down the passage. Once they reached the shack, Madam Pomfrey turned to Remus, a small, kind smile on her face.

“Do you need anything from me, dear?”

“No, thank you, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus responded, as he did every month. She nodded then turned and disappeared back down the tunnel, leaving him alone.

Remus listened to the sounds of her leaving, then when the sound receded, looked around. The shack looked as it always did, dusty and abandoned. Though Remus knew that it had only been built the year that he arrived at Hogwarts, and therefore was only a few years old, Remus knew it seemed much older. Having a werewolf tear it apart every month would do that, Remus thought wryly.

His hand on the railing, he slowly ascended the staircase towards the upper level. Now that he was alone, he felt slightly calmer, though his insides were still churning, his skin tingling, and his bones starting to ache, as they always did at this point. It was familiar, though, and now he was here, he just had to wait for it to happen.

He reached the second floor and walked towards the door at the end of the short hall, which was ajar. Remus pushed the door open and entered the room. This was the room he always went to wait for the transformation, as it was the most comfortable, and wasn’t as dark as the rest of the house. It was slightly dusty, with a large four-poster bed against one wall, a window covered by thin curtains opposite the door, and a round table with a chair next to it. Both the table and chair had ragged, torn legs from his transformations, but they were miraculously still stable. Remus ignored them, however, and laid down on the bed.

His heart was hammering against his chest, and his temperature continued to climb as he lay there, staring at the top of the hangings. He knew it must be around five now, and the room was only dimly lit by the receding light from the window. Perhaps the transformation would come even sooner tonight than he had expected, Remus thought, as the days were getting shorter.

Sweating now, Remus unbuttoned and pulled off his shirt. This only marginally improved his trapped, overheated feeling, so he sighed and removed his shoes and trousers, too, and shoved everything below the bed. He hoped that would keep the wolf from tearing them to shreds, though he or someone else could always repair them in the morning if that happened.

He got up and began to pace the room, stopping to glance out of the window every so often. Through the thin sheet of fabric shielding him from view, he could tell that outside, the darkness was deepening. He started to scratch his skin, restless and frustrated with the awful crawling sensation across it.

His mind suddenly went to James, Sirius, and Peter. Were they sitting in the dormitory, waiting for the moon to rise, or were they going about their business as usual? Perhaps they were in the common room, talking and joking with Marlene and Dorcas, or maybe Peter was with Layla again. Remus’ skin was now raw and stinging, but he welcomed the feeling. It drew him back into the present, away from the castle and his friends, who would be here in mere hours.

Over the course of the next few minutes, the dull ache that had been invading his body for the past six hours intensified, spreading up his feet and through his legs, his torso, his shoulders, his arms. He groaned softly, and sat down on the rickety chair, biting his nails nervously, trying to contain the scream that was building in his throat as the pain became overwhelming. 

Soon, he knew, it would become too much. He would scream, and at that point, he would stop being him. As the pain took over, he would be unable to think, and at that point, the wolf would take over, too. He tried to prolong the time until that point, holding back the scream by gritting his teeth. It was too soon, much too soon. The moon couldn’t be high in the sky yet.

He stood again, and began to pace as the pain intensified. His migraine worsened, too, and as his vision began to cloud, he knew he couldn’t hold it back much longer. Just then, his left leg buckled and he fell to floor as a bone in his shin cracked, the noise ringing through the quiet house, followed, finally, by his scream. His mind went blank, overwhelmed by the pain and the effort it had taken to hold it back, and he finally gave in.

....

The next morning, Remus began to stir as the room lightened slightly, the weak light from the window illuminating the place where he lay on the four-poster bed. Opening his eyes, he took in the peculiar sight of the room around him. Laying by the bed was a large, bear-like dog, snoring softly, its breath stirring the bed hangings by its nose. Next to the chair and table, which had both been overturned at some point in the night, lay a large stag, its head rested on the floor in front of it, and beside the stag there was a large grey rat, curled into a ball, its flank rising and falling softly as well.

Looking down at himself, Remus realized that he was half-covered in a blanket that had lay on the four poster bed, and was grateful for whoever had thought to cover him the previous night. He pushed himself into a sitting position, pain shooting through his limbs as he did so. Still, he realized, it wasn’t as much as usual. As far as he could see, there were no scratches or bite marks anywhere on his body, and that was a first.

Next to him, the large black dog woke and lifted its head, no doubt disturbed by Remus’ movement. Padfoot stood up and wagged his tail once, then transformed back into his human form, on his hands and knees next to the bed. His hair was messy, and his face was a little dirty, but otherwise he looked just the same as when Remus had seen him last.

Sirius got to his feet and moved closer to the bed, leaning over Remus. “You okay, Moony?” He asked, concern written all over his face.

“Yeah,” Remus said, then coughed slightly. His throat was sore. “I think so.”

Sirius’ face broke into a relieved smile, and Remus couldn’t help but smile back. He had never woken up from a full moon like this, with someone to greet him so nearby. And he felt different. In the back of his mind, something shifted, and an image came to the forefront. It was of the grounds, bathed in moonlight, and he thought perhaps he was running, the forms of the black dog and the stag beside him. He started and stared at Sirius.

“I—I remember last night,” he said, shocked. “I’ve never remembered any part of a full moon before, but I think I remember last night.”

“What do you remember?” Sirius asked, eyes focused intently upon him. Remus tried to focus his memories, but they were mere flashes.

“I’m not sure, it’s not clear,” he said slowly. “Running across the grounds, and through the forest, I think.”

“Yeah, we ran around basically all night,” Sirius said. “I’d never seen so much of the grounds before.”

“I think…” Remus started, but trailed off, confused. He took a deep breath, and looked at Sirius. “I think I felt happy. When I think about it, it feels free...and good. I’m not used to that.”

Sirius’ face broke into a wide smile this time, and he beamed at Remus. “Thank Merlin,” he said. “That means it worked.”

Remus stared at Sirius, speechless with gratitude as he tried to remember more of the previous night. None of the memories were coherent; he couldn’t piece them together, and yet he couldn’t remember ever feeling so free in his life. Mostly mornings after the full moon, all he could feel was pain and the residual restlessness and frustration that came from his werewolf side being trapped in a house the whole night. Yes, he was still in pain, but he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest.

“What time is it?” Remus asked suddenly, looking around at Prongs and Wormtail, still snoozing on the ground. Sirius checked his watch, and looked up at Remus.

“Only seven,” he said. “The sun’s not even up yet, Moony.”

“You all should get going, anyway,” Remus said. “Madam Pomfrey will probably be here to pick me up soon.”

“Okay,” Sirius said, standing up straight. “I’ll wake the others.” He walked over to their two friends, and poked them both lightly with his foot, then went to stand the table and chair up properly again while they woke.

James transformed back into his human form, stretching as he did so, followed by Peter. He took his glasses out of his pocket and put them on, then smiled at Remus. “Alright, Moony?”

“Yeah, I’m alright,” Remus said, smiling. Peter smiled at him, too. “I….thanks for last night,” Remus said, flushing slightly as he avoided their gazes. “Sorry for being such a stubborn arse about it beforehand.”

James laughed slightly. “You don’t have to apologize or thank us for anything, Remus,” he said. “We were happy to do it.”

“Of course we were,” Peter echoed.

“Moony thinks we should get going to make sure we miss Pomfrey,” Sirius said to the others. James nodded, and pulled out his invisibility cloak from his bag.

“We can put this just to make sure we don’t run into her on the way,” he said. “See you in Potions, Moony?” He asked, raising a hand of farewell to Remus.

“See you,” Remus responded, smiling weakly. Sirius grinned at him as well, and the three of them disappeared under the cloak. The door opened wider, then shut, and Remus heard their progress down the stairs and out of the shack.

Remus fell back upon the bed, letting out a long sigh. It was amazing to him, he thought, how normal they all acted. It was like they hadn’t spend the whole night running around the grounds with a werewolf. But he guessed they had all mentally prepared themselves for this occurrence years before, when they decided to become Animagi, and he was the one catching up. He let out a slight laugh. All of his worry, his anxiety, his fear, and it had all been alright. More than alright. Wonderful.

He swung his feet onto the floor and pushed himself to his feet. His muscles protested, but he ignored the pain, and bent down to reach under the bed for his clothes. He pulled them on, glad that none of them had been damaged in the night, and sat to wait for Madam Pomfrey.

As he waited, he looked towards the window again, not truly seeing it. He was thinking of the grounds and his friends, trying to remember. A memory drifted to the forefront of his brain, clearer than the others. He watched his friends, transformed into animals, through his own eyes. They were sitting by the lake, and as he looked down at the water, Remus saw the reflection of the full moon glimmering in it, and looked up at the real thing, glowing in the sky.

He could not remember ever seeing the full moon before. Of course, he must have seen it before he had been turned, but he had been so young, then, that he couldn’t remember. Last night, however, the moon had looked so distant and harmless, nothing more than a glowing orb in the sky.

Back to the present, Remus realized that he was crying. Tears trickled down his face onto his neck, and he buried his face in his hands, letting the tears come. After about ten minutes, he heard Madam Pomfrey downstairs and dried his wet face on his shirt, standing up and getting ready for her to take him back to the castle.

An hour and a half later, Remus sat down in Potions between Peter and Mary, while James and Sirius took the table behind them, next to Dorcas and Marlene. Lily sat down next to Mary and gave him a small smile pulling out her copy of their Potions text. While Mary was talking to Peter, Lily leaned over slightly and addressed Remus.

“You alright?” She asked. Remus gave her a small smile.

“Yeah,” he said, moving to grab his own book out of his bag. “Yeah, I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that I hope isn't necessary, but still stands: Remus' nudity in this chapter during the full moon related to his werewolf transformation is NOT meant to be sexualized. I really hope that no one reads it that way. As someone with a chronic illness, I often experience pain in conjunction with becoming overheated/fevered and removing clothing is a necessity because of that. Nothing related to this pain that Remus is going through should be in any way sexualized, and if you read something sexualizing his werewolf transformations, I suggest you stop reading. Not only is it disrespectful to the fact the fact that Remus' condition is a disability (and therefore to disabled people), it is also fetishization.


	18. Christmas With or Without You

On Saturday, December 20th, the Hogwarts students who were going home for the holidays boarded the Hogwarts Express and readied themselves for the long train ride back to London. They took the carriages down through the chilly grounds as snow began to fall, coating the grounds as Hestia watched it through the window. On the train, Hestia, Mary, and Emmeline found a compartment for themselves, Dorcas and Marlene wishing them all happy holidays and darting off to sit with the Marauders.

After only five minutes, they were joined by Lily, much to each girl’s surprise, though they all hid it studiously. Lily didn’t usually sit with the other girls in her dormitory on train rides to and from Hogwarts, and Hestia wondered if her sudden presence had something to do with the newfound chilliness that she had sensed between Lily and her best friend, Severus Snape, in the past few weeks. While the two were usually inseparable, Hestia had noted Lily’s recent choice to sit with other students during some classes Gryffindor and Slytherin shared. Still, Lily said nothing to either confirm or deny Hestia’s theory, so she kept it to herself, choosing to talk to Emmeline about the holidays instead while they played chess.

“I just wish I would have time off for even  _ one _ of my holidays,” Emmeline sighed, moving her queen forward to take Hestia’s bishop. “It’s not even just Hanukkah; Rosh Hashanah is my favorite holiday, and this year it was  _ right after _ school started.”

“I’m sorry, Em,” Hestia said, giving her friend a sympathetic look and taking out her friend’s pawn with a castle. “Maybe we can figure out how to make Passover special in the spring term together?”

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Emmeline said. “But I just wish I could be with my family for it.”

“I know,” Hestia said. “It’s dumb.”

Emmeline shrugged and turned to Lily, wanting to change the subject. “Are you looking forward to going home for Christmas, Lily?”

Lily was staring at the snow falling outside the window, but started when Emmeline addressed her, and turned to look at her roommates. “Yes, I suppose so,” she said. “I miss my parents. It’ll be nice to see them again.”

“And Petunia?” Mary asked, looking up from her book, sweeping her curtain of dark hair behind her ear as she looked at Lily. Lily sighed and met the other girl’s light brown eyes with her green ones, shaking her head slightly.

“Who knows how Tuney will be this year,” she said, rather sadly. “Her behavior is quite unpredictable whenever I go home. Sometimes she’s alright, sometimes she’s awful.”

“How old is your sister, again?” Emmeline asked, frowning absentmindedly at the chess board in front of her, trying to figure out her next move.

“She’s seventeen, but she turns eighteen at the end of December,” Lily said. “So she’s almost finished with college.”

“I always forget that Muggles come of age at eighteen,” Hestia said, smiling satisfiedly as she successfully moved to check-mate Emmeline’s king, then looking back at Lily. “Do you know what she’s going to do after she leaves school?”

“I don’t know, she never talks to me about that stuff,” Lily said. “Or anything, for that matter. I don’t think she’s applied to university, or one of my parents would have mentioned it in a letter.”

“That’s too bad,” Emmeline said, giving Lily a sympathetic expression. “I’m really sorry, Lily.”

“It’s alright,” Lily said, giving a tight smile. “It is what it is.”

“Are you looking forward to seeing your brothers, Em?” Mary asked, glancing at Lily before changing the subject.

“I’m not sure I’ll be seeing Benjamin,” Emmeline said, leaning back in her seat. “He’s in France right now with his girlfriend. But Noah, yes, I’m looking forward to seeing.”

“Where does he go to school?” Hestia asked curiously.

“Just a local secondary school,” Emmeline said. “He’s constantly asking about Hogwarts, though. I just wish he could go.”

“It must be hard for him,” Lily said, frowning slightly. “Growing up expecting to go and then realizing he can’t.”

“It is,” Emmeline said. “But at least my father and older brother are Muggles, so it’s not the whole family but him that’s magical. And at least we’re not some uppity pureblood family that disowns Squibs.”

“Like the Blacks,” Hestia said, rolling her eyes. “The Lestranges, Malfoys, Notts, Parkinsons…”

“Travers, Jaxleys, Aubreys, Averys, Rosiers…” Mary said, exchanging a knowing glance with Hestia.

“There are so many of them it’s hard to keep track,” Hestia snorted.

“Fuck them all,” Mary said, turning a page in her book. There was a kind of subtle viciousness to the expression on her small, heart-shaped face that startled Hestia. She was always surprised when she saw this part of Mary, and remembered that she was more than just the quiet, sweet girl that most of Hogwarts knew her as.

Lily said nothing, and a silence fell over the compartment as Emmeline began to set the repaired chess pieces back on the board so that she and Hestia could have a rematch.

....

When they arrived at the platform, Mary said a quick goodbye to her roommates and grabbed her bag, leaping down from the train and looking around for Paul, her stepfather. Almost immediately after she spotted him, standing a few meters away in the crowd, leaning against a barrier, someone knocked into her from behind, causing her to stumble.

When she looked around, she saw that it was Evan Rosier, a Slytherin prefect in her year. “Mudbloods, always getting in the way,” he sneered, towering over her for a moment before disappearing in the crowd. Mary took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and counted to five, then opened them again and made her way over to Paul.

Upon seeing her approach, Paul Macdonald pushed himself off the wall and strode towards Mary, a wide grin on his face, his blue eyes twinkling. He picked her up off her feet in a big hug, and Mary laughed when he put her back down.

“Long time no see, Mare bear,” Paul said affectionately, using his old nickname for her. Mary smiled.

“I missed you, too,” she said. “Should we get going? There’s a long drive ahead of us.”

“Yes, if you’ve said goodbye to all your friends,” Paul said, picking up Mary’s trunk from the ground where she had set it down when he hugged her.

“I have,” Mary said, smiling. “Now I just want to get home and see mum and Clem.”

“Then let’s go,” Paul said. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy catching up on all the music you’ve missed on the radio since you’ve been gone so long.”

“I’m sure I will,” Mary said, following him through the barrier back into the Muggle station. “And I’ll enjoy catching up with you.”

“I haven’t got many stories to tell, other than the ones I’ve already told you in letters,” Paul said, good-humoredly. “Unless you want to hear about the customers at the grocery store.”

“Has Mrs. Smith had her baby yet?” Mary asked curiously. Paul nodded.

“Yes, a little girl,” he said. “They’ve named her Sadie.”

“And have you seen Suzy and Laura at all?” Mary asked, referring to her two best friends from home. They exited the station and walked towards the family’s small car, sitting in the parking lot.

“Oh, sure,” Paul said, unlocking the trunk and putting Mary’s trunk in as she got into the front seat. He slid in behind her. “Suzy’s been dating one of those Wilkes boys. I see them in the store sometimes. Laura talks to me sometimes at the register, asks me how you are. She said she’s missing you, but she’s doing well.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing them,” Mary said, smiling. She sometimes felt guilty about not being able to write to her Muggle friends from Hogwarts, and about the fact that she thought about them rarely while in the confines of the castle. It was as if her magical and muggle worlds were separated in her mind by a sheet of glass, but now that she had left the magical world, she was desperate to see her best friends again.

“So, dad, what’ve you got me for Christmas?” Mary asked as they pulled out of the parking lot, her voice honeyed as she blinked innocently up at him. Paul laughed his deep, loud laugh, and shook his head.

“You know that even if I wanted to tell you that, Mare, your mother would have my guts,” he said. Mary laughed too, and switched on the radio. An unfamiliar song began to blare from the speakers, and she listened to it with one ear as Paul prompted her to tell him about her life at Hogwarts that term.

....

On Christmas Eve, Remus sat with his parents in their little sitting room in Wales. Their Christmas tree sat in the corner of the room by the crackling fire, blocking one of the many built-in bookshelves in the Lupin household. At fifteen, Remus’ parents had decided to allow him to have some eggnog with them at dinner, and he still felt a little lightheaded as he sat talking to them, his knees drawn up to his chest and cheeks slightly flushed.

Hope was recounting a story from her childhood, laughing as she spoke about how she and her sisters had explored the Welsh countryside. Remus felt a twinge of guilt, his stomach turning as he tried not to think about how she had not spoken to any of her family since he was five years old, and had been bitten by a werewolf.

“Remus, are you alright?” Hope asked, stopping and giving him a concerned smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine, mum,” Remus said, giving her a small smile.

“You haven’t spoken much about your friends since you’ve been back,” Hope said. “How are they?”

“They’re good,” Remus responded, perhaps a bit too quickly. His father raised his eyebrows at him, and Remus hastened to continue. “Yeah, they’re doing well. Sirius is at James’ right now for Christmas, and Peter’s with his family.”

“That sounds nice,” Hope said. “I’m glad Sirius can spend the holidays with the Potters. His family sounds dreadful.”

“Well, the Black family has never been good news,” Lyall said gruffly. “Walburga and Orion were both only a few years above me at Hogwarts, and I only knew them from a distance, but their reputation was not good.”

“Sirius has a younger brother, right?” Hope asked Remus. “I think you told me that once.”

“Yes, Regulus,” Remus said, nodding. “He’s two years younger than us, in Slytherin.”

“What’s he like?” Lyall asked, leaning forward slightly in his seat.

Remus shrugged. “I’ve never really spoken to him, just seem him around the castle,” he said. “He looks an awful lot like Sirius, but I guess they’re very different. Sirius says he’s much more loyal to the family than he is.”

“Poor dear,” Hope said, clucking her tongue sympathetically. “The both of those boys must have such a hard time, in a family like that.”

“It seems like both of them have chosen their sides, Hope,” Lyall said, his voice colder than his wife’s.

“Perhaps he has,” Hope conceded. “But you can never know what’s going on in someone’s head, Lyall. Perhaps he’s just as scared of his family as Remus’ friend, Sirius.”

There was a lull in the conversation, as Lyall did not respond, taking a sip of his tea while Remus looked outside the window. The sun had long since set over the rolling Welsh hills, but a bright, half moon hung in the sky, illuminating the fields slightly. Remus had only experienced one full moon since the first one which he had spent with his friends, and he found himself almost anticipating the next one. It was absurd, he told himself, but a part of him—perhaps it was the wolf—remembered the freedom that he experienced with his friends and wanted it again.

“How have the full moons been?” Lyall asked, as if reading Remus’ mind.

“They’ve been fine,” Remus said, startled out of his reverie, meeting his father’s eyes and trying not to look guilty. “Normal.”

“And none of your friends or classmates suspect?” Lyall continued, looking at his son directly and raising his eyebrows. Remus tried to keep the heat in his cheeks from rising, tried to slow his heartbeat, not blink.

“None of them,” he lied.

“Good,” Lyall Lupin said, sitting back and sighing. “That’s the last thing we need with all of this Voldemort stuff going around.”

“Well, we don’t have to talk about that now,” Hope said, laying a comforting hand on Lyall’s shoulder. She gave Remus a smile.

“Are you tired,  _ cariad? _ Want to get to bed?”

Remus shook his head. “I’ll read for a bit longer, then go up.”

“Well, I have to go do a little more work before turning in,” Lyall said, getting up and stretching. “I’ll see you both early tomorrow morning for Christmas!” He lay a warm hand on Remus’ shoulder as he passed him on the way to his study, and Remus smiled, grabbing his book from the side table. Hope, meanwhile, moved towards the kitchen and began to clatter around, doing dishes and cleaning up. After only a few minutes, however, the sound stopped, and she came back into the living room and sat beside Remus, across from the fire.

“You know you can tell me anything,  _ cariad _ ,” she said, moving to brush Remus’ hair out of his eyes as he looked up at her.

“What do you mean, mum?”

“Well, you know your father worries about you,” Hope said, choosing her words carefully. “And so do I, but I worry more for you being alone than anything else. So...if you weren’t completely honest with your father earlier, that would be alright. I wouldn’t tell him if you told me the truth.”

Remus blinked down at her for a moment, feeling conflicting emotions wash over him as he marveled at the way that she could read his face so easily and see beyond his lies. He hesitated, then spoke: “Well, maybe I wasn’t completely honest. But I didn’t want to worry him, and, well…I’m scared he’d pull me out of school if someone found out.”

Hope sighed. “Your father is a complicated man, Remus,” she admitted. “And he has his faults. Perhaps that would be his first instinct, but I would  _ never _ let that happen, do you hear me? You deserve the same education as all of your classmates, and I will fight tooth and nail for you to get that.”

Remus nodded and gave her a small smile.

“So your friends, they know?” Hope asked after a moment, when it became clear that Remus wasn’t going to speak.

Remus hesitated. “Yes, they know,” he said after a moment. “James, Sirius, and Peter figured it out in second year.”

Hope nodded. “They’re clever boys.”

“And Lily, my prefect friend,” Remus said, keen to tell her more, now that he felt able to. “She told me recently that she figured it out in first year.”

“She must be very observant,” Hope said, smiling. She met his wide, anxious eyes, and lay a soft hand on his cheek. “I’m not worried, Remus. I trust you.”

Remus hesitated again. He knew he shouldn’t tell her the rest. For one, she would not understand, and if nothing else had made her worry, he knew that the fact that his friends were now spending full moons with him as animals would. He would have to keep that part of the secret to himself.

“I know that having them helps you,” Hope said, breaking the silence. “That was always the most important reason why I convinced Lyall to let you go to Hogwarts. It’s not enough for you to be safe, you have to be happy, as well. So I know that your friends make your life better, and that’s all I need to know. Because I love you.”

Remus met her eyes, smiled, then pulled her into a hug, smelling her light, comforting scent and smiling into her hair. This was why he needed her: he knew that she would always be there for him, no matter how much or little he told her. She didn’t care about anything else, just that he was there and that he was her son.

....

On Christmas morning, James woke Sirius at the crack of dawn by jumping on his bed. Sirius rolled over and groaned, trying to push James off, but James just laughed and pulled the covers off him. Sirius sat up, rubbing his eyes and glaring at him. “What time is it?”

“Who cares? It’s Christmas morning,” James said, grinning. Sirius rolled his eyes and tried to grab the covers back.

“What do I care?” Sirius asked grouchily. “Too early.”

“You care because Christmas is special here, remember?” James said, a note of hurt in his voice. “Come on, mate, you’ve spent three Christmases with us now. Still, every Christmas morning you’re a grump. Remember how much fun it always is?”

Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to push away the dream that James had woken him up from. He blinked, and the red light behind his eyelids disappeared, and looked up at James, who had a hopeful look on his face. Shaking his head, Sirius stood up.

“Sorry, mate,” he said. “I’ll be down in five minutes, okay?”

“Take your time,” James said, smiling again and leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Sirius walked over to the dresser and grabbed a pair of trousers and a sweater at random and began to dress. It was only when he pulled the sweater over his head that Sirius realized that it wasn’t his, it was Remus’. It fit closer to his body than he was used to, as Remus was slimmer than him, and smelled slightly of old books and chocolate, the scent that Remus always carried around with him. Sirius must have accidentally thrown it into his bag when packing. He thought for a moment, then shrugged. There was no reason not to wear it now that he had it on: it was comfortable, warm, and Remus’ familiar scent felt reassuring.

He splashed cold water on his face in the bathroom, looking up into the mirror and finding his own grey eyes staring back at him. He thought of Regulus, and his insides clenched. He hoped Regulus didn’t hate him too much, trapped in that old, dusty house with his parents, alone. Maybe he would write to him.

Sirius left the bathroom and headed down the stairs to meet the Potters, who were all waiting for him in the living room. He smiled when he saw them, and James looked around, grinning. “Good, we waited for you!”

Sirius laughed as he bounded down the stairs. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Euphemia Potter said, handing him a mug of hot tea. “You’re family, what else would we do?”

Sirius blinked, then accepted the tea, giving her a grateful smile. “Okay, well, you can start opening presents now, Jamie boy. I’m here.”

After they opened their presents and had Christmas lunch, Dorcas and Marlene arrived with their families, and as the adults stayed in the living room to talk, the four of them, accompanied by Marlene’s ten year old brother Tyler, went outside to have a snowball fight. A fresh sheet of snow had fallen the night before, and they first used it to create makeshift snow forts, then took turns lobbing snowballs at each other from behind them.

Unfortunately, they were forced to stop when Imogen, Marlene’s mother, admonished her after she hit Tyler full in the face with a large snowball which Sirius was sure she had somehow magicked to reach its target. They trooped inside, cheeks red and eyes bright, cold to the bone with exhilarated.

“Who wants hot chocolate?” Dorcas asked, unwrapping her scarf around her neck and smiling around at them. They all chorused their excitement about this proposal, and Marlene rolled her eyes and smiled at Dorcas.

“Okay, but  _ I’m _ making it,” she said teasingly. Dorcas laughed.

“Fine by me,” she said, her dark eyes twinkling as she looked up at her best friend.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Sirius excused himself quickly, leaving the rest of them to follow Marlene into the Potters’ kitchen as he slipped upstairs. Instead of going into the bathroom, however, he went quickly into his room and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. He sat at his desk, thought for a moment, then began to scribble a letter to his brother. He couldn’t bear the thought that Regulus would think that he had forgotten him on Christmas, even if gift giving wasn’t customary for the Black family.

The letter was short, but Sirius couldn’t think of much to say, so he rolled it up and nudged Caspian awake from where he had been resting, on top of the wardrobe. The owl consented to have the scroll tied to his leg, and promptly flew off. Sirius watched him disappear into the dark sky, then went to join the others downstairs.

....

As the sun set and the sky darkened into night outside her living room in Cokeworth, Lily sat up reading one of the new books she had received for Christmas. She did this every year, sitting on the window seat looking out at the front porch, looking up every so often to see the people passing by with their families or walking alone, or to look up at the moon or the few stars she could see in the sky.

Minutes and hours passed as Lily sat reading, only stopping once and awhile to say goodnight to her parents as they went upstairs, drink some water, or go to the bathroom. Time seemed to be on standstill as she absorbed herself in her book, but the thing that truly startled her out of her reverie was the sight of someone approaching the window. She started as she saw the dark figure get closer, but when he climbed the stairs to the porch and the light went on, she saw that it was just Severus.

He gave her a small wave, gesturing for her to come talk to him, so she put her book down to go outside, grabbing her coat and putting on her boots before opening the door. He was standing out in the snow, shivering slightly, several feet away from the doorstep.

“Hey Sev,” Lily said cautiously. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” he said, shrugging. “Just wondered if you wanted to take a walk.”

“It’s almost 10pm,” Lily said, furrowing her brow. He shrugged, so she sighed and relented, grabbing her keys and locking the door behind her.

They walked in silence in the middle of the empty, snowy streets for a few minutes. It was almost pitch black, but they followed the familiar path towards the river, though neither of them mentioned where they were heading.

“So,” Lily broke the silence. “How was your Christmas?”

“It was shit,” Severus replied promptly. “Yours?”

“Passable,” Lily replied, kicking a pile of snow absentmindedly. “Petunia didn’t talk to me, but that wasn’t unexpected.”

Severus snorted. “My mum and dad screamed their way through most of the day.”

“I’m sorry,” Lily said, glancing towards him sympathetically.

“That’s why I came to see you,” Severus said, looking at her with an unfamiliar glint in his eyes. “I just needed to...escape for a bit.”

“That makes sense,” Lily said, giving him a small smile. “I’m always here if you need me.”

“I know,” Severus said. “You always have been. Look...I know that I haven’t been the best to you recently. This year has been tough, and sometimes I’ve taken it out on you. I’m sorry.”

There was a pause as Lily tried to figure out how to reply. Her mind kept flickering back to how they had left things the day that the holidays started, when he had snapped at her during the carriage ride down to the train, and told her that he wanted to sit with his housemates for once, leaving her to find the other Gryffindor girls like a dog with its tail between its legs.

“I know it’s been hard,” Lily said slowly. “It’s been hard for me, too.”

“I’m not trying to make an excuse,” Severus said hastily. “I just need you to know that I’m going to try harder from now on.”

“I appreciate that,” Lily said. “I just don’t really know where your head has been at recently.”

“We’ll spend more time together next term,” Severus assured her, his gaze earnest. “I promise.”

“Okay, Sev,” Lily said. There was something in his look that Lily didn’t like. It felt like an intrusion, as if he was crossing some invisible barrier between them, looking at her in the way that he was now. She wanted to move away, but she kept walking beside him, the two of them falling into silence again as they ambled alongside the muddy, frozen riverbank.

Half an hour later, Severus left Lily back at her doorstep, and she closed the door behind her, rubbing her hands together to warm them up.

“Where have you been?” A voice sounded behind her, startling her. Lily whipped around, her hand to her chest, and she took in Petunia, sitting on the stairs, her arms wrapped around her knees.

“Tuney!” Lily whispered. “You scared me.”

“You’re the one coming in at ten thirty,” Petunia pointed out, coldly.

“I was out walking with Severus,” Lily said, unbuttoning her coat and hanging it up on the rack by the door. Petunia snorted softly.

“I should have known.”

“Can you stop?” Lily snapped. Petunia looked slightly taken aback. “Look...just stop, please. I’m tired of coming home for you to be openly hostile to me. Ignoring me is one thing, but waiting up for me to come back from my walk just so you can sneer at me and my friend is another.”

There was a pause where Lily glared at her older sister, waiting for her response, and Petunia looked back at her, her face unreadable. “I didn’t stay up because I wanted to be rude to you when you came back,” Petunia said softly after a moment. “I waited because I noticed you were gone and I was worried about you.”

“Oh,” Lily said quietly, deflating slightly. “Well, I’m fine.”

She made to walk past Petunia, but Petunia didn’t move out of her way. “Lily, wait,” she said, holding her sister’s wrist lightly. “Can we talk for a moment?”

Lily looked down, even more startled. Petunia had iced her out for the last few days since she had been home. Why did she want to talk now? But she sat down next to her sister on the stairs nevertheless. Both sisters moved to lean against the opposite sides of the railing, looking across at each other.

“I don’t trust that Snape boy,” Petunia started, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. “I don’t like that you’re going walking with him this late.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Tuney, Severus is my friend. I’m safe with him.”

“Are you sure about that?” Petunia said. She was not sneering or disdainful; her voice sounded earnest and her eyes searched Lily’s face. “Look, you’re almost sixteen, Lily. You’re...well, you’re beautiful. And maybe you haven’t had as much experience with this in your little world, but I live here year round. Walking around cities at night is dangerous, and the way that men look at girls and women our age...you should be cautious.”

“I don’t know what this has to do with Severus,” Lily said, flushing slightly. Petunia rolled her eyes now, looking disdainful again.

“Don’t tell me you’re that oblivious,” she said, the bite back in her voice. “I barely interact with him, but I see how he looks at you. You may think you’re just friends, but trust me, that’s not all he wants from you.”

Lily stared at her sister, thinking of the look she had spotted in Severus’ eyes just half an hour before. “Even if that were true, and I’m not saying it is,” she started defensively. “You make it sound bad. Even if...well, that wouldn’t mean that I’m not safe around him.”

Petunia snorted. “No woman is ever safe around a man who wants her,” she said disdainfully. “And he has never been good news.”

“You’re just judging him because he’s poor,” Lily snapped.

“Perhaps,” Petunia said. “That doesn’t mean I’m not right.”

There was a stiff silence between them, but eventually it was Lily who broke it, as a question had been nagging at her ever since the train ride home from Hogwarts. “What are you planning on doing after you graduate college, Tuney?”

“I’m moving out,” Petunia said. “Going to London, probably. I’ll find a secretary or clerical job, perhaps. I want to support myself for a while.”

“That sounds nice,” Lily said feebly, trying to suppress the stab of pain and shock she felt as she imagined coming home to live in their house over the summer, and her sister being absent from it.

“Well, it isn’t as exciting as your magical world,” Petunia said stiffly. “But it’ll do.”

Lily headed up to her room five minutes later, finally falling into her bed, exhausted, around eleven. As she burrowed into her covers, she remembered that she had left her copy of  _ Tuck Everlasting _ on the window seat. She decided not to get up; she would get it and finish it tomorrow.

....

On the morning of Boxing Day, Regulus sat at the Slytherin table for breakfast. The hall was practically empty, as most people had gone home for Christmas, and the Slytherin table was especially sparse. Regulus ignored everyone else while he sat and ate his porridge in silence.

He had decided to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas that year, citing the need to study to his parents. The real reason he didn’t want to go home, however, was that he did not feel up to returning to the cold, empty house, especially knowing that Sirius would be with his friend James Potter’s house with his family, no doubt being doted over. Of course, staying in the empty castle wasn’t much better, but it was lonely in a more bearable way, without the muttering portraits and elf heads and his parents.

As he sat eating, a familiar barn owl fluttered down beside him. Regulus looked up at it in surprise. It was Caspian, Sirius’ owl. He wondered why on earth Sirius would be writing him. Lucky that Caspian had known where to find him, he mused. If the owl had turned up to Grimmauld Place, Walburga might have tried to hurt him to lash out at Sirius from afar.

Caspian held out his leg, and Regulus detached the scroll and unrolled it, reading the quick note in Sirius’ hand.

_ Hey Reg, _

_ I hope your Christmas has been bearable at home, and you’re doing alright. I know it’s hard to sit through those dinners sometimes, but you’re better than that than me, anyway. Just wanted to wish you a happy Christmas and let you know I’m thinking of you. _

_ Sirius _

Regulus sighed and crumpled the parchment up. He had not told his brother that he was not spending Christmas with the family that year. Partly, he told himself, it was because he rarely talked to his brother at Hogwarts, but he knew most of the reason was that he couldn’t bear to admit to his older brother that he didn’t want to spend time with their family any more than Sirius did. It would be like admitting that Sirius had been right all along, and Regulus didn’t think his pride could handle that.

Sirius never understood that Regulus didn’t go along with his family’s expectations out of love, or real allegiance. It was duty that kept Regulus there, a duty which his older brother had abandoned, and therefore which Regulus had to take upon his own shoulders.  _ It’s what family does _ , he told himself. Sirius didn’t see that, but he did.

Despite his duty, however, Regulus hadn’t been able to face Christmas at home, just as Sirius hadn’t past his second year. Regulus had hoped that if he wasn’t home, he wouldn’t wake up that Christmas morning from the same nightmare about his brother being tortured by his mother, but unfortunately, that year he had woken in a cold sweat just like the previous three, a flash of red light behind his eyes and his nerves on edge.

He drew out his wand and set fire to the crumpled letter from his brother, watching it curl and leave only ash behind on the table, then turned back to his cold porridge, trying to choke it down despite the bile rising in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a good holiday season. I know that the holidays can be very different and sometimes loaded for different people, just like all of my characters in this chapter, and if you had or are having a hard time because of that, know that I’m with you. We’ll all get through this. I’ll see you in the New Year!


	19. Unforgivable, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: homophobia

If the Gryffindor fifth years had thought that their first term of fifth year had been difficult, they were completely caught off guard by the steep increase in the work assigned when they returned from the holidays. As the professors constantly reminded them, their O.W.L.s were getting ever closer, and while Sirius liked to say that he could pass them blindfolded with no preparation, the truth was that they were all studying harder than they ever had.

Still, the boys made time for their other pursuits. During the first few months of their term, Sirius and James had managed to get almost a dozen detentions each, something they both had taken an indecent amount of pride in, Remus commented. Peter got out of trouble because of his penchant for scarpering whenever the slightest hint of trouble crossed their path, and Remus excused himself from physical involvement in any of their pranks, being a prefect, though he did consent to help plan them once and a while.

Apart from pranks, Sirius and James had also begun to get into more trouble for hexing and dueling other students in the corridors. Of course, they had done this infrequently before, but with the rising presence of Voldemort in the wizarding world had also come an increase in offensive slurs being tossed around in the corridors of Hogwarts, and James and Sirius were having none of it. Remus tried to stay out of it, turning a blind eye when he could, but in the presence of a professor, or Lily, he was forced to give them detention.

“Come on, Moony,” Sirius had whined after Remus had given both James and Sirius double detention for hexing Bertram Aubrey, a Ravenclaw in their year. “He called Sarah a you-know-what yesterday!”

“I know that,” Remus replied, sighing. “I agree he fucking deserved it, but you hexed him in the middle of a corridor with tons of people around. If I hadn’t given you detention, I might get in trouble. Anyway, you really think doubling the size of his head is going to stop him from calling people that word?”

“It made me feel better,” Sirius said, shrugging nonchalantly. Remus shook his head in exasperation and went back to his studying.

While they were not studying or serving detentions, the Marauders spent most of their time planning their full moon adventures. While the first time they went out together they explored the grounds at random, the four had begun to branch out, exiting the safety of the school boundaries and exploring further. It was no longer random; they planned out their routes now, and they all enjoyed their adventures immensely, even Remus.

One full moon in February, Remus had done something surprising. The night before, while getting ready to go to bed, he had suddenly looked up at the rest of the boys and said: “Before the transformation tomorrow, I don’t want to be alone.”

James, Sirius, and Peter had looked around at each other, startled. Remus had been explicit and firm before about not wanting them to see him transform, and they had no hint of what had changed his mind. They took it in their stride, however. “Okay,” James said. “You want us to come earlier and be with you, then?”

“If you want,” Remus said. He looked confident, Sirius thought, standing tall, but Sirius could see the façade wavering before his eyes, though he wasn’t sure if James or Peter would be able to. Remus was clearly more nervous than he was letting on, and had likely spent a long time thinking about this decision. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“Of course we do,” Sirius said, stepping forward. “Should we go up under the invisibility cloak after Pomfrey’s left?”

“Yes,” Remus replied. “You can follow me after about twenty minutes.”

So the next day, all three of them crowded under James’ cloak and headed down to the Whomping Willow at sunset. When they arrived at the shack, Remus was pacing around, waiting for them. Together, they mounted the stairs to the second floor room they always retired to after the transformation and waited. Remus paced, and Sirius watched him, though he tried to be subtle so that it would not make his friend uncomfortable. James tried to keep the conversation going, clearly hoping to distract his friend, and Remus would occasionally respond or force a smile, but soon the room fell into silence.

Remus paced, his face flushed, his teeth gritted slightly, and his movements stiff. The grimace on his face became more apparent the darker the room got, his pain more obvious. Sirius was used to people who expressed their pain in ways more obvious than Remus, who was extremely good at hiding it, but he now realized that Remus had likely been in pain long before it showed on his face. Perhaps, Sirius thought, it was like with him and the Cruciatus Curse. It didn’t hurt less, but he had gotten better at dealing with it, over the years, and at hiding it.

Witnessing Remus’ transformation was nothing short of unbearable. Sirius watched it through the eyes of his Animagus form, as Remus had insisted they must all transform as soon as his transformation started, for safety’s sake. Sirius had known, of course, before then, what the werewolf transformation involved. He had learned about it through his research, and Remus had told them all in second year, a bitter note to his voice:  _ I break every bone in my body when I turn into a wolf. So yes, it is quite agonizing. _ Still, faced with it in front of him, Sirius knew that he had only been hearing the half of it for years.

When they awoke the next morning, none of them said anything out of the ordinary to Remus. They smiled and joked with each other as they bid Remus goodbye, heading down to the castle, but when they left the willow, James had said in a subdued voice, running a hand through his hair: “Fucking hell. I never imagined…”

“Neither had I,” Sirius said. “I guess we always knew Moony was holding back a lot.”

“Poor Moony,” Peter said softly.

They never spoke of it again, and Sirius tried to act as normally around Remus as possible. If he knew anything, he knew that Remus would not want to be pitied, and Sirius truly didn’t pity him. If anything, it made him admire Remus even more, though Sirius thought that that was perhaps an even more twisted reaction than pity.

They didn’t have to talk about it the next full moon. Once again, the three boys followed Remus into the Whomping Willow after Madam Pomfrey left and kept him company until the moon rose and they transformed together. There was a feeling of unity within them, the solace of an even deeper secret that they had previously kept. However, Sirius realized, as he had never done before, how different it would always be for Remus than for the rest. The difference between a forced transformation full of pain and one which had been chosen, and which was completely painless, was huge, insurmountable.

They worked their way through the term, studying, serving detentions, and being together on full moons, but by April, Sirius began to feel the familiar restlessness take him over. In only a few months, he would have to go home again. Not to the home which he happily occupied with the Potters, but the home which he had grown up in, which still haunted him in the background whenever he was unable to push thoughts of it away.

This year, the feeling started earlier than it usually did. He thought it might have to do with the intense feeling of freedom he had every full moon, which just made him dread the suffocating feeling of Grimmauld Place even more. He became moodier, his temper more on the surface than usual. His friends took it in stride, though Marlene sometimes teased him for what she called his “fits of the sullens.” He tried to control his temper and avoid taking it out on his friends, which resulted in him being put in more detentions than ever, as hexing pureblood elitists had become an almost euphoric pastime of his.

Sirius thought this was an acceptable outlet, however, and for their part, his friends said little about it. James, while he always tried to keep Sirius in check, knew that he was helpless against what Sirius was struggling with at the moment. Remus, though he was perhaps better at relating to Sirius’ dark moods than James was, knew that no amount of prying would get Sirius to open up if he didn’t want to. Peter watched in bewildered helplessness, and Marlene helped when she could by pulling pranks with them, distracting him.

Unfortunately, Sirius’ anger, usually kept safely within so that it hurt him the most out of anyone, was soon to be set loose in a manner more destructive than any of them could have foreseen. 

It happened on a Wednesday afternoon in mid-April. The full moon was that night, and Sirius had spend the afternoon studying, waiting, his skin itching with restlessness and his nerves on end. The previous day, both James and Peter had asked Remus if it was alright if they came later, as they were both behind on their schoolwork. Remus agreed, and Sirius had assured him that he would still join him to wait for the transformation.

Sirius was now laying on his four poster bed, looking up at the hangings, twirling his wand between his fingers absentmindedly. Remus had already left to meet Madam Pomfrey. In a few minutes, Sirius would rise and go to join him. He didn’t have the invisibility cloak this time—James and Peter would need it to come later—so he would have to be careful not to be seen as he went into the secret passage.

He got up, running his hands through his hair as he did so and looking around at the empty dormitory. Looking in the mirror in the door of his open cabinet, he registered that he was still in his uniform, and decided to change before joining Remus. Once he did so, pulling a sweater over his head for good measure, though it wasn’t very cold out in this time of year, he checked his watch and decided to head down to the grounds.

The castle was quiet. Because it was a week day, most people were studying, in either the library or their common rooms. He got down to the entrance hall without event, but when he made his way outside, taking the long way around the greenhouses, he heard a noise behind him. He stopped and listened. Now that he was no longer walking, he could hear the sounds of rustling robes more clearly, and he knew exactly who was tailing him.

He paused for a moment, trying to think about what to do. Obviously, he couldn’t allow Snape to follow him to the willow, but how would he prevent him? He pulled out his wand inside his robes, careful to do it so that the spying boy wouldn’t see. Then he turned sharply, brandishing his wand at the wall behind which he knew Snape was hiding, disarming him at throwing him back against it. Sirius leapt around the corner, raising his wand and pointing it at the greasy-haired boy’s throat, effectively pining him to the wall.

“ _ Snivellus _ ,” he said triumphantly, smirking at the other boy. Snape was slightly shorter than Sirius, and he glared at his captor, his cheeks flushed slightly with the embarrassment of being caught sneaking around behind Sirius. “Why are you following me?” Sirius demanded, jabbing his wand into the other boy’s throat threateningly. Snape glared at him defiantly.

“I wasn’t following you,” he said, glaring back defensively. Sirius snorted.

“Nice try,” he retorted. “You’re not that subtle. I’ve heard you flapping after me ever since I passed the entrance hall.”

“Your problem, Black, is that you think the whole world resolves around you,” Snape retorted, hatred in his gaze. “There is no earthly reason I would ever want to tail you. On the contrary, I try to be as far away from you at all times, since I  _ detest _ you.”

“I can say the same for you, Snivellus, but that still doesn’t explain the incontrovertible fact that  _ I know _ you were following me.”

There was a pause, where Snape seemed to struggle with how to respond. Finally, he spat at Sirius, “Let me go.”

“Oh, you’re not going  _ anywhere _ until you admit to me why you were here, arseface,” Sirius retorted, a cruel smile unfurling on his face.

“Fuck you,” Snape responded. “You’re just blood traitor scum, you and the rest of your little gang, running around the grounds protecting that half-breed you call your mate. Creatures like him should be put down.” Snape inhaled sharply as Sirius pressed his wand even deeper into his neck, his hand clenched on his wand so hard that his knuckles turned white.

“Say that again,” Sirius said in a low, dangerous voice, his face livid with anger. A smirk spread across Severus Snape’s face as he noted the change in Sirius’ expression, satisfied that even if he couldn’t curse the other boy, he could still produce this reaction in Sirius by taunting him.

“What, don’t like hearing someone say that about your boyfriend?” Snape said, sneering. “I wonder—do your parents know that you’re a fucking queer with a hard-on for a dirty mutt?”

Sirius finally lowered his wand, staring at Snape in a mixture of fury and confusion, taking a step back. “You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.” Snape didn’t hesitate to press his advantage, now that he had been released. He stepped away from the wall, malicious delight all over his face.

“Your brother says you’re already only one wrong step away from being disowned, anyway,” he sneered. “I’d guess that little bit of information would tip the scales, don’t you think?”

“What the fuck did you say about my brother?” Sirius demanded, raising his wand again, but not approaching Snape. He seemed almost wary of the other boy now, shock still playing across his face. He didn’t know how to address the other part of Snape’s taunt, so he didn’t say anything about it. Snape’s smirk flickered slightly, as if remembering that he was not, after all, the one with the wand in this situation. Still, he grasped for more words that might make Sirius falter again. He enjoyed the feeling of power over the other boy when he saw his face fall, and knowing he had caused it.

“Regulus, unlike you, knows real loyalty to his pureblood principles,” Snape said, his lip curling. “He’s also smart enough to know a lost cause when he sees one. That much is clear, given the things he says about  _ you _ .”

Sirius, forgetting his earlier hesitation, rushed at Snape again, shoving him back against the wall again, pining him there, his expression wild, mad. “What the fuck has he been saying?” He yelled.  _ Snape has to be making this up _ , he thought desperately.  _ Regulus is my brother. He wouldn’t say things to the other Slytherins about me...He wouldn’t— _

“That you’re a blood traitor, you’ve always been a disappointment to your whole family,” Snape’s words laid into Sirius, cruel and relentless. “He says he’s  _ ashamed _ to have you as a brother, that he’ll be glad when you’re finally disowned and he doesn’t have to speak to you anymore. The sooner you’re gone, the better for everyone. I can’t say I blame him. Lucky for your family you’re not its only heir.”

Regulus’ words, quoted back to him in Snape’s sneering voice, were like a blow to Sirius’ chest, and he flinched at the impact. Still, it was Snape who was standing in front of him, and it was Snape towards whom his hatred was directed. It burned like a flame inside him, blackening his insides as he stared at the sneering boy’s face, which looked cruel and almost inhuman in the twilight shadows.

“You have no fucking idea,” Sirius snarled. “No fucking idea what it’s like, you son of a bitch. You come to Hogwarts, free to be anything, no expectations, and you chose to be  _ this. _ You chose to go into dark magic and spout this blood purity crap that you weren’t even raised with. And why? Just because you want to be part of your little fascist club? You’re pathetic.”

“You’re the pathetic one, Black,” Snape spat back. “Not even your own family can stand the sight of you. Your own brother can’t wait to be rid of you. Soon, all your blood traitor friends will realize you’re as worthless as your dear old mother has always known you are.”

Something truly snapped in Sirius then, at the mention of Walburga Black. A barrier between him and the flood of rage that he had barely managed to keep back for the last few weeks broke down. Perhaps it was the same familial madness that his mother had, but at that moment, his vision turned red, and he had no restraint anymore.

“You know,  _ Snivellus _ , if you really want proof of what you think Remus is,” Sirius said, his lips curling into a cruel smirk. “All you have to do is follow him.”

Snape scoffed. “Follow him? To be torn apart by the Whomping Willow, you mean? You think I’m stupid, Black?”

“I’m counting on it, actually,” Sirius said, his malicious grin widening so that it looked like a leer. “All you have to do to get in after him is to poke the big knot at the bottom of the tree with a long stick, and the tree will freeze, and you can go into the tunnel after him. Then you’ll have all the proof you need. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“Why are you telling me this?” Snape asked, looking at Sirius warily as Sirius stepped back, releasing him from the wall again. Sirius smirked.

“Why do you care? Don’t you want to go off on your little Nancy Drew mission already?” He sneered at the other boy, matching his earlier taunting expression precisely. Snape narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him, then turned without a word, moving out towards the grounds again. Sirius’ smirk fell, and his face adopted a hard, deadly expression as he turned back to the castle, walking fast in the opposite direction as Snape.

His cold expression didn’t falter one bit until he entered the Gryffindor common room, ten minutes later. As he entered, he spotted James and Peter, just standing up from their spot in the corner. When James saw Sirius, his brow furrowed, and he hurried over to him, Peter on his heels.

“What’s going on? I thought you were going early to keep Moony company until the moon peaked,” James questioned him in a low voice.

“I was, but I hit a little snag,” Sirius said, his voice emotionless. “Don’t worry, though, I took care of it.”

“What are you talking about?” James demanded, looking alarmed at the strange note in Sirius’ voice, and the flat, detached look on his face, which he had never seen there before.

“Snivellus lurking around, as usual,” Sirius said, a note of satisfaction in his voice, now, as he looked up at James. His pupils were dilated, and his eyes were steely with anger. “I decided to teach him a lesson.”

“Teach him a—Sirius,  _ what _ did you do?!” James demanded, his voice rising despite himself, a note of panic in it. Sirius just looked at him, saying nothing, but his silence was enough to confirm James’ worst suspicions.

“You fucking—” James broke off, as if unable to find a strong enough word for what Sirius was in that moment. He tried to collect himself for a moment, but it didn’t seem to work, for as he turned back, he swung his fist towards Sirius, hitting him squarely in the jaw, causing the shorter boy to stumble back. By this time, the whole common room was staring at the exchange, and a collective gasp came from the observers. None of them had ever seen James Potter truly lose his temper before, and especially not with his own best friend. Sirius clutched at the place where James had punched him, staring at James. The blow had broken him out of his haze of fury like a bucket of cold water over his head, and left him with nothing but blank shock.

James shook his head in disgust as he stared at Sirius, then turned to Peter. “I’m going to fix this,” he said under his breath. “Stay here and make sure  _ he _ doesn’t fuck anything else up until I get back.”

Without a backward glance at Sirius, he turned and hurried out of the portrait hole, and even before the Fat Lady’s portrait swung shut, the whole common room could hear his footsteps quicken as he broke into a run. The common room burst into excited whispers, and Sirius just stood there, staring without seeing, his hand still on his bruised cheek.

Suddenly, he thought of Remus, alone in the shack, no doubt wondering why Sirius had not come, and only then did the magnitude of what he had done hit him.

....

James ran all the way to the willow, anger burning in his veins alongside with panic, both driving him forward. He ignored the few people he met in the corridors, but he was grateful that there was no one on the grounds. Though he was in a hurry, caution was still essential.

The sky was dark, and James could see the full moon appear from behind a cloud. His lungs burning, he sped up. There was no one outside the willow, which meant that Snape must have already gone in. Skidding to a stop just out of the reach of the swinging branches, James looked around frantically for a branch to use to freeze the tree. His eyes lighted on one lying innocently by the knot. This must have been what Snape had used.

James swore under his breath. Sirius had really told Snape everything. “Traitorous son of a bitch,” he muttered, then took a deep breath and pushed his best friend from his mind. He would deal with Sirius later.

Now he pulled out his wand and levitated the branch to press the knot on the tree. It froze at once, and James ran into the tunnel, stuffing his wand back into his trousers as he did so. The tunnel had a low ceiling, and James tried to run as fast as he could, bent over double. As he approached the shack, he began to hear the sounds of fast footsteps ahead of him.

“Snape!” He shouted. The footsteps paused, then began to hurry faster towards their destination. James almost screamed in exasperation. “Snape, you idiot, fucking stop!” He shouted again. “You don’t know what you’re walking into.”   


“Fuck off, Potter,” came the sneering voice, faintly ahead. James ran faster. He was gaining on Snape, but Snape was still ahead of him, and in only a minute, he would be in the shack, where Remus would be almost fully transformed.

Ahead, the footsteps stopped. Snape had reached his destination. “ _ Fuck fuck fuck _ ,” James muttered under his breath as he ran. He burst out into the entrance of the shrieking shack, almost knocking Snape over. Snape was staring up at the landing of the second floor, his eyes wide, his whole body frozen in place. James followed his gaze, and saw a pair of glowing, amber eyes staring back at them.

“Move!” James hissed at Snape, grabbing his arm and pushing him back towards the tunnel. Snape stumbled, useless, and James shoved him further. “Run, you idiot, run!” He said, propelling him forward. Finding his feet again, Snape pelted down the tunnel, James following him. Snape was not as fast as James, but James forced himself not to overtake him, glancing back frantically. From behind them, a howl rang through the shack, the sound following them into the tunnel. Snape looked ready to freeze in terror again, but James pushed him forward.

“Just keep fucking going,” he snapped, pulling out his wand again. He could hear Remus, hear the paws beginning to beat towards them on the packed dirt of the tunnel floor. James knew he was no safer than Snape was; he had known this from the moment that he entered the tunnel after Snape. He could not transform, not with Snape there. One of their secrets was already revealed, and he had to protect the other one. In that moment, he cursed Snape, and cursed Sirius. Sirius, who had betrayed them all by telling Snape how to get into the willow, and Snape, for being stupid enough to try to follow a werewolf on his own.

The sounds of the large paws drew closer, and James swore out loud, wishing that Snape would run faster. Looking behind him, he could see Remus’ glowing eyes, and frantically, James aimed his wand over his shoulder. “Impedimenta!” He cried out. He had no way to know if it would work on a werewolf, but the yet of turquoise light that his wand emitted did indeed connect with the wolf, who was frozen in place. James knew it would only last a few moments, however.

They kept running. James didn’t know how long it was that they ran, only knew that it was a blur of panting breaths, terror, and flashing light as he shot every spell he could think of back at Remus to try and slow him down. Finally, the tunnel tilted upwards, and they ran out onto the grass. James pointed at the tunnel entrance with his wand and shouted, “ _ Protego _ !” Remus, directly behind them, snarled as he ran into the barrier over the mouth of the tunnel. He ran against it several times, but like a solid wall, it was unyielding, strong with the force of James’ determination.

After a few moments, Remus gave up and turned, his tail between his legs, running back down the tunnel towards the shack. James sighed and lowered his wand, looking over at Snape, who was collapsed on the grass, panting. They were close enough to the trunk of the willow so that the flailing branches could not touch them, but they couldn’t stay there. James pushed himself up and pressed his hand to the knot at the base of the trunk. The tree froze, and he grabbed Snape roughly by the elbow, pulling him to his feet. Now that the immediate danger was gone, James’ fury mounted.

“Come on, arsehole,” he said, pulling Snape out of the shadow of the willow. He didn’t let go, even when they were clear of the tree, and it started moving again. Snape stayed silent, too, letting James half lead him, half drag him, towards the castle. It was only once they were in the entrance hall that he spoke.

“Where are you taking me?” He asked, his voice, incredibly, still holding a defiant note in it, even after all that had happened.

“We’re going to Dumbledore,” James said. His voice was cold, steely, though anger was pounding through him like molten lava. He had never felt this furious before, never in his life had he had a reason to. But right now, he hated Snape with everything he had in him, and hated Sirius even more.

“Why?” Snape asked, not quite concealing the note of fear in his voice. James gave him a contemptuous look.

“Because someone needs to deal with this,” he said. Snape didn’t protest, he was uncharastically silent. Just like when James raced out towards the willow, they met very few people on their way up to Dumbledore’s office, which was good, as they were both covered in dirt, and James had a cut above his left eyebrow which he had acquired as some point while they were running down the tunnel. However, when they reached the corridor where the headmaster’s office lay, their path was blocked by a tall figure.

Professor McGonagall stood in front of them, the stern look on her face fading into shock as she took in both of their appearances. “What on earth have you two been up to?” She asked sharply, looking them up and down in alarm.

“We need to see the headmaster, professor,” James said. His voice sounded strange to his own ears, and his hazel eyes, usually bright, looked empty and cold. Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes at him behind her square spectacles, and James knew she was wondering whether it was worth reprimanding him for his rudeness. She clearly decided against it, however, and merely turned and led them towards the headmaster’s office.

“Pepper imps,” she said in her stern, proper voice, and the gargoyle leapt aside, allowing them to climb onto the stone staircase, which carried them up towards a highly polished oak door with a brass knocker in the shape of a griffin. Professor McGonagall knocked twice, and a voice inside told them to enter.

Only when they walked into the circular office and the door shut behind them did James release Snape’s arm. Professor McGonagall did not leave, but walked with the two boys as they approached Dumbledore. The old headmaster was seated at his desk, and as they entered, he looked up at them through his half-moon spectacles. He took in their appearance carefully, with no sign of shock in his light blue eyes, instead fixing them with an analytical gaze.

“Please sit down, Mr. Potter, Mr. Snape,” he said, gesturing to the seats in front of his desk. Both boys sat, neither of them speaking. Snape was avoiding Dumbledore’s gaze, but James met the headmaster’s eyes steadily. He had nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. Though he had been in this office several times throughout his years at Hogwarts, this was the first time that the was completely blameless. He knew that.

“Mr. Potter,” Professor Dumbledore said. “Why don’t you enlighten us as to why you are here?” The blue eyes were piercing, and James had the sense that Dumbledore already had a good guess as to what had happened. He took a deep breath, and, without looking at Snape, began his story. He left nothing out. This was not some prank where one of them might assume responsibility for the others. Sirius had done this, and Sirius would face the consequences for his actions.

When James had finished, there was a long pause, then Dumbledore turned his eyes upon Snape. “Is that all correct, Mr. Snape?” Snape nodded, still not looking at Dumbledore. A pang of deep resentment rose up in James.  _ The slimy coward can’t even look him in the eye,  _ he thought bitterly.

“What happened between you and Mr. Black that led him to tell you how to follow Mr. Lupin?” Dumbledore asked. His voice remained measured, calm, and James felt a moment of resentment for him, too, with his calm blue eyes. He looked so distant, so unaffected.

Snape looked up, finally. His black eyes were cold. “I followed Black out of the castle,” he said. “I saw Lupin being led by Madam Pomfrey to the Whomping Willow earlier, and when I saw Black, I thought he might be going there as well.”

“And was he?” Dumbledore asked. James’ heart began to beat slightly faster, though he tried not to show his nerves. How on earth would he explain Sirius following Remus into the willow?

“I don’t know,” Snape said, his voice flat. “He heard me, and turned to confront me. We...argued.”

“I bet you did,” James muttered under his breath. Snape did not look at James, but both Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore turned their eyes on him briefly, before looking back at Snape.

“What did you and Mr. Black argue about?” Dumbledore asked, fixing his eyes back on Snape’s face, their blue depths piercing him. Snape’s sallow skin flushed.

“He didn’t like that I was following him,” he replied, his voice low and his eyes back on his hands, seemingly unable or unwilling to hold Dumbledore’s piercing gaze. “I said some things he didn’t like about his family.”

James clenched his fists in his lap. So that had been it. Snape had goaded Sirius, and Sirius had lashed out, as he had been itching to do to somebody for the last few weeks. James had known that Sirius’ temper was on edge, but he thought it was also under control, only directed at the people that deserved it. He now realized that he was a fool for believing that Sirius, in his rage, would discern the difference between hurting friend and foe. He felt a stab of pity for his best friend, though it was still mingled with disgust.

“But why did he tell you how to get into the willow, and why on earth did you follow his directions?” Professor McGonagall asked, speaking for the first time in the office, her voice sharp.

“I wanted to know where Lupin was going,” Snape said. “I had suspected that he was a werewolf. I noticed how he would disappear every full moon, and—”

“And you wanted to expose him,” James spat, glaring sideways at the greasy-haired boy. Snape glanced over at him in return, his eyes defiant.

“Yes,” he said. “I wanted to expose you all.”

“Well, I’m afraid that  _ that _ is out of the question,” Professor Dumbledore said. James and Snape looked back at him, Snape’s eyes filled with disbelief, James’ with gratitude.

“But he—” Snape began, his eyes wide and livid. Professor Dumbledore held up his hand to silence him, and now his eyes were blazing, though he still looked calm.

“Mr. Lupin has done nothing wrong,” he said. “He is a victim of this cruel joke as much as you, Mr. Snape. And it trust you know that I am well aware of his condition. In fact, it was I who made special arrangements so that he could attend Hogwarts.”

Snape snorted slightly, and Dumbledore narrowed his eyes. “I have no wish to hear your opinion on my decision to allow him into school,” he said. “You acted extremely unwisely throughout this whole affair. You attempted to expose a classmate for something he cannot control, and you were so determined to do so that you put your own life in danger in the process. If Mr. Potter had not been there, you likely would have been killed.”

Snape glanced at James, his eyes bitter, and looked back to Dumbledore. Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, observing Snape over the tips of his fingers, which were pressed together. “You will receive detention three nights a week for the next two weeks.”

Snape looked outraged, but Dumbledore held up a hand again, and he said nothing. “In addition,” he continued, and his voice sounded dangerous. “You will say nothing to anyone about Mr. Lupin’s condition. If you do, I may be forced to consider expulsion.”

Snape’s mouth fell open in shock. He opened and shut him lips for a moment, looking like a fish out of water, then started, “But—”

“You also owe Mr. Potter a debt of gratitude,” Dumbledore said, ignoring the boy’s feeble protest. “He saved you life. You may thank him now.”

Snape turned to James, and, his eyes showing nothing but deep hatred, his teeth gritted, gave a slight nod of his head and said, “Thank you.”

“Good,” Dumbledore said. “That will be all then, Mr. Snape. You may leave.”

Snape got up, looking resentful, and left the office. James didn’t watch him go, he kept looking ahead, at Dumbledore, who was now regarding him carefully. A few moments after the door shut, Dumbledore addressed James again.

“Mr. Potter, that was a very brave thing that you did for Mr. Snape,” he said. James snorted slightly under his breath.

“I didn’t do it for him,” he said bitterly.

Dumbledore looked almost amused as he looked at him, which angered James again. “I know you did it for your friends,” Dumbledore said, resting his fingertips together and looking at James over them. “But you also saved a life. You couldn’t let a man die, not even one who you clearly dislike.”

James shrugged. “It was wrong,” he said simply. “What Sirius did was wrong.”

“Yes, it was,” Dumbledore said. “That reminds me. Minerva, would you mind fetching Mr. Black from Gryffindor tower?”

“Of course,” Professor McGonagall said tersely, and she left. Dumbledore and James were left staring at each other across the desk, as if at an impasse. James finally broke the eye contact, looking down at his hands. They were still streaked from dirt and sweat, and now that the adrenaline had worn off, shaking slightly.

“I don’t want to see him,” James said to his hands, his voice soft. Just then, he felt small, like a child, and willed himself not to cry. The events of the evening only started to hit him now, and while the anger had not ebbed, the fear and feeling of betrayal welled up inside him to accompany it. Though he had known what he was risking when he went after Snape, he had not fully felt it until this moment. He could have died, could have been bitten, to save two of his closest friends from themselves.

“Mr. Black has done something terrible,” Dumbledore said, his words gentle. “Not only to Mr. Lupin and Mr. Snape, but to you as well. You risked your life to rectify his mistake.”

“I’d risk anything for him,” James said, a note of bitterness in his voice, looking up at the headmaster. “I just wish I didn’t have to so often.”

“Mr. Black has his own battles to face, ones that he will no doubt be fighting for his whole life,” Dumbledore said pensively. His tone of voice was distant, analytical, and James felt another stab of annoyance. If Dumbledore knew, why didn’t he do anything? Why did he act like none of this was his concern? “I think that you should remember that when you talk to him about this, later, Mr. Potter.”

James shook his head. “What Sirius did was unforgivable,” he said, his eyes dark.

“Perhaps,” Dumbledore said lightly. “But are you truly ready to let him go forever?”

The question hung in the air, and James didn’t respond to it. He knew the answer: of course he wasn’t. Sirius was his best friend; his brother. He couldn’t let him go, not forever.

“But before Mr. Black arrives, there are other questions I have to ask you,” Dumbledore said, his voice suddenly more businesslike. James stiffened slightly, sitting up straighter in his chair. “First of all, how long have you and your friends known about Mr. Lupin’s condition?”

“We found out in second year,” James replied promptly. “Well, mostly it was Sirius who realized at first.”

“I see,” Dumbledore said, looking at James over his half-moon spectacles. “Well, in that case I don’t have to impress upon you the vital importance of keeping his secret.”

“No, you don’t.”

“But still, Mr. Potter,” Dumbledore said. “I know that you grew up in a very accepting household. I should tell you that Mr. Snape’s reaction is, unfortunately, the more common one among wizardkind.”

James nodded numbly.

“Secondly, I will be asking Mr. Black this as well, but do you have an explanation for why he appeared to be heading towards the Whomping Willow this afternoon when Mr. Snape saw him?”

James tried to look natural as he answered. “I don’t know,” he said, hoping that Dumbledore could not hear his pounding heart. “Peter and I were in the Gryffindor common room, working on a Potions essay. I’m not sure why he was there.”

“Well, let us hope that Mr. Black can account for it, then,” Dumbledore said. His voice wasn’t accusatory, and James could not tell whether Dumbledore knew he was lying or not. James nodded, and Dumbledore smiled at him.

“Can I leave, professor?” James asked after a moment.

“Yes, you may,” Dumbledore said. James pushed his chair back from the desk and got to his feet. He walked over to the door, but once he reached it, he looked back.

“Professor, can I be the one to tell Remus what happened, tomorrow morning?” He asked, his voice breaking slightly. Dumbledore gave him a long look, then nodded.

“Yes, you may,” he said.

“Thank you, professor,” James said, then opened the door and exited the office. He stepped back onto the circular staircase, lost in thought. He knew it was the right thing to do, Remus needed to hear the news from someone close to him, but how would he say it? How do you tell someone something like that?

He was not paying attention when he reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped out into the corridor, but was startled to his senses as he nearly ran into someone standing just in front of it.

“Sor—” He started to apologize, then realized that it was Sirius who was standing there, Professor McGonagall just to his left. Sirius stared at James with an expression on his face which mixed shock, regret, and sadness. He looked haggard, and his eyes were slightly red. Perhaps he had been crying. James tried not to care. 

The two boys stared at each other for a long moment, then James pushed past Sirius, heading towards Gryffindor tower. He needed a shower, to sleep, and most of all, time to collect himself. In the morning, he would have to talk to Remus.

....

Remus woke up in the shack alone on Thursday morning. He ached all over, and when he opened his eyes, he realized that his cheek was pressed against the hardwood floor, rather than waking up in the four poster bed, as he had since November. He tried to push himself up, but winced and collapsed back down on the floor. His right shoulder ached; it was most likely dislocated.

What had happened last night? Searching his memory, he came up blank. The only thing he did remember was that Sirius had not come to meet him, as he had said he would before the transformation. He had paced restlessly for an hour, hundreds of possibilities running through his head, as the sky darkened outside and he succumbed to the transformation.

Now, looking around him at the empty room, Remus knew that he must have been alone for the whole night. The room looked even more torn apart then usual. There were new claw marks on the furniture, and, given the fact that every breath caused a new shooting pain to run through his abdomen, he knew that there would be new wounds on his body, as well.

Just then, he heard footsteps downstairs. He must have woken up later than usual if Madam Pomfrey was already here, and sure enough, moments later she pushed open the door and walked in.

“Oh, dear,” she exclaimed, her voice full of concern. She knelt down beside him, and helped him sit up, handing him the blanket from the bed to cover himself. He tried not to cry out in pain when she examined his shoulder, and popped it back into place. On his abdomen, there were several large, deep slashes. Even without her saying anything, he knew they would scar. She poured some dittany on them, causing them to scab over instantly. Then she turned to allow Remus to get dressed gingerly, before leading him back to the castle.

That morning, she would not hear his protests, and made him stay in the Hospital Wing. “You need rest,” she insisted, pushing him down onto the pillows of a spare bed. “It was clearly a bad night.”

Remus sighed and conceded, closing his eyes and drifting off. Luckily he didn’t have classes that morning, and perhaps he would be able to go to the ones in the afternoon. Then one of his friends could explain what happened the previous night.

He wasn’t sure how long he slept, but when he woke again, the light was still bright outside, so he figured that it was still morning. Looking over to the side of his bed, he was startled to see James sitting there, looking at him. He sat up, ignoring the pain in his shoulder and abdomen.

“Good morning,” James said, giving Remus a tight smile. Remus tried to smile back, but the look on James’ face stopped him. Something was horribly wrong.

“What happened?” Remus asked, searching James’ face. “You didn’t come last night.”

James sighed, rubbing his hands over his face tiredly before looking up at Remus. His hazel eyes were rimmed with red, and there was a small cut above his left eyebrow that had not been there the last time Remus had seen him. The most troubling part, however, was that Remus didn't think he’d seen James look so sad, or so defeated, ever before.

“Remus,” he said, in a voice that Remus associated with approaching a wounded animal. “Something bad happened last night.”

“What? Did I—” Remus began to panic, thinking that he had bitten someone. James shook his head.

“You didn’t hurt anyone,” he said. “I—I made sure of that.”

“What does that mean?” Remus asked, his voice rising anxiously.

“Yesterday afternoon,” James said, keeping his voice low so that Madam Pomfrey would not hear. “When Sirius was heading to meet you in the willow, he ran into Snape. They had an argument, and Sirius—” He broke off, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. He let it out slowly, then looked at Remus again, steadily. “Sirius told Snape how to get into the willow.”

The world seemed to shatter around Remus. He couldn’t understand what James had said. _ Sirius had told Snape how to get into the willow? _ It didn’t make any sense. He looked at James, blinking rapidly. “What?”

James just stared at him sadly. “Sirius told me what he had done when he got back to the common room,” he continued, his voice echoing in Remus’ ears as if from a great distance. “I ran after Snape, and I managed to get him out. Neither of us got hurt. But Remus, Snape saw…” He trailed off helplessly, staring at Remus, who was not looking at him, but staring down at his sheets, not really seeing them.

“I brought Snape to Dumbledore,” James said. “Dumbledore threatened him with expulsion if he told anyone what he saw. He won’t say anything.”

Remus’ head was spinning. The world was out of focus, but he forced himself to look back up at James. He looked at him desperately, hoping that he would say it was all a joke, that none of it had really happened. But there was no grin on James’ face. He looked back at Remus sadly.

“And Sirius?” Remus choked out.

“He has detention until the end of the term, I think,” James said hollowly. “They didn’t take house points off of either Sirius or Snape, I think because they knew they would have to explain that to the rest of the school.”

Remus didn’t speak. He didn’t move, he just tried to breathe. It was difficult, and not because of his shoulder, or the slash on his abdomen. It felt like a great weight was crushing him from above, and he couldn’t escape it.  _ Sirius _ .

“Remus,” James said, looking at his friend almost desperately. “What do you want me to do? Tell me anything that might help you, and I’ll do it.”

Remus couldn’t respond for a long moment due to the pressing feeling on his chest, but when he finally did, he only said: “I just want to be alone right now, James.”

James nodded, then stood and looked down at him. The look of concern, of deep care on his face was nearly unbearable for Remus to witness. He closed his eyes. He felt James put a brief, reassuring hand on his shoulder—the non-injured one—and then heard him leave, walking heavily out of the Hospital wing.

When James was gone, Remus rolled over onto his non-injured left shoulder and curled into the fetal position, keeping his eyes tight shut as waves of shock, anger, and sadness washed over him.  _ Sirius _ , his mind said.  _ Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. _ The name echoed dully, and as much as Remus wanted to, he couldn’t push it out. He wanted to tear out the part of his brain where Sirius lived, but he couldn’t. He simply let the grief and pain wash over him, bury him, and didn’t try to stop the tears from coming.


	20. Unforgivable, Part 2

When Remus returned to the boys’ dormitory the night following the full moon, he did not speak to Sirius. He barely spoke to James or Peter, either, just changed and went to bed, moving around quietly with his head down.

“Remus?” Sirius asked quietly, his voice small, as Remus stood, his back to Sirius, pulling his pajamas out of his dresser. Remus didn’t turn or make any move that told Sirius he had heard him. Sirius stared at the nape of Remus’ neck, where the wavy brown hair stopped and Sirius could see a light scar, peeking out from his collar.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said helplessly, addressing the back of Remus’ neck. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Remus moved, and for a moment Sirius heart leaped, thinking that he was going to look at him, but Remus only walked towards the bathroom, shutting the door tightly behind him.

Sirius looked around to find James’ accusatory stare on him, from where he was sitting on his own four-poster bed. He sighed. “I’m trying, okay?” he said. “I’m trying to...I don’t know, fix it.”

James snorted. “If that was your best effort, that’s pathetic,” he said. “Just leave him alone, Sirius. He doesn’t want to talk to you right now. And maybe in the mean time, work on a better apology.”

Before Sirius could reply, James tugged his curtains closed around his bed, and Sirius was left standing there. He glanced over at Peter, who only shrugged, and so Sirius retreated to his four-poster bed and shut the curtains around it. A minute later, he heard Remus open the bathroom door and go back to his own four-poster next to Sirius’. He imagined Remus’ face, brow furrowed and the corners of his mouth turned down slightly, blue eyes blank as if he had drawn the shutters over them, as they always looked when he was upset, and Sirius closed his eyes tightly. He didn’t want to see that, didn’t want to picture Remus that way, knowing he had caused it.

Sirius rolled over onto his side, drawing the covers over him, but it was a long while before he fell asleep that night, his mind too full of thoughts and his heart weighed down with guilt.

....

The next day, no one spoke to Sirius. At the Gryffindor table, James and Peter sat with Marlene and Dorcas, and Remus didn’t come down to breakfast at all. Sirius knew from the looks that Marlene and Dorcas were casting his way that James was telling both girls some version of what had happened two days before. It must be a heavily abbreviated one, but enough to get the point of his betrayal across. The heavy weight in Sirius’ stomach grew at the though of more of his friends disappearing from him.

No one spoke to him in lessons, either. In Charms, Remus sat with Lily and Mary Macdonald, and stayed with them into Care of Magical Creatures and Herbology, but Sirius noticed that Remus wasn’t talking much to them, either. The blank, closed-off expression on Remus’ face was familiar and heartbreaking. Every time Sirius glanced over to the other boy and saw it, he felt like the wound in his stomach was being opened up, again and again, a knife cutting deeper and deeper into him.

_ That’s because of you _ , a small voice said in Sirius’ head.  _ All because of you. _

Sirius dragged himself through the following days, barely registering what was going on. No one spoke to him. He went to his classes, served detention, ate meals, and slept fitfully at night. He avoided the library, as he knew that Remus was taking refuge there to keep away from him. Instead, Sirius took to exploring the grounds, sometimes in human form, sometimes as the great black dog. He had discovered that this helped, being the dog. He still felt pain, but as a dog, he didn’t have to examine it as much. He just ran.

It wasn’t until Monday evening that someone spoke to him directly again. He was walking back up to the Gryffindor dormitory late one night, coming from one of his jaunts across the lawn. As he entered the corridor in front of the Fat Lady’s portrait, he barely registered the dark red hair and blazing green eyes approaching him before Lily slapped him with all her might, the blow stinging as it snapped his head to the side.

Sirius stood stock still, shocked for a second, before putting his hand lightly to his injured cheek, turning back to look her in the eyes. He was several inches taller than her, but the way that she looked at him made it seem as if they were the same height, and he matched her glare, glowering back at her coldly.

“Was that for Remus, or for your boyfriend, Snivellus?” He asked, not disguising the nastiness from his voice. He was sick of her, Lily with her self-righteous air and her hypocrisy. He had been listening to James going on about her all year, yet she thought she was too good for his best friend. Now, he was full of anger and guilt and fear, and he wasn’t in the mood to listen to a lecture from Lily Evans.

“Severus is not my boyfriend, as you well know,” Lily began, her eyes flashing angrily again. “But it was for both of them. How dare you? You could have gotten Severus  _ killed _ , and made Remus a murderer.”

“Don’t you think I know that, Evans? For fuck’s sake,” Sirius growled, glaring at her. “I know that better than anyone else.”

“Well, you didn’t seem to care last Wednesday, did you?” Lily retorted. 

Sirius snorted. “I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to come find me,” he said, looking at her bitterly. “I expected you the moment after it happened.”

“I didn’t know before now,” she said, crossing her arms and glaring at him. “Remus just told me during patrol. I suppose whatever Dumbledore said to Severus worked, since he hasn’t said a word to me.”

“Or maybe he just knows that you would tell him off as well as me,” Sirius said, a cruel note in his voice, his eyes piercing her. “That you wouldn’t like what he was trying to do that night when he followed Remus.”

Lily ignored this, still glaring at him. “I don’t understand you, Black,” she said, a note of real puzzlement in her voice. “You’re perfectly capable of getting all O’s on your assignments, but you can’t think before you speak for one second just as you put  _ two  _ people’s  _ lives _ in danger!”

“Yes, Evans,” Sirius said, glaring at her even as his words were full of self-loathing. “You’ve been absolutely right about me all along, are you happy? I’m an impulsive, selfish, egotistical bastard who couldn’t keep his temper in check for a moment to think about the consequences of his actions, and how his words would impact the people that he loves. There, I’ve said it for you, now you can leave me alone.”

Lily stared at him, looking slightly taken aback. Sirius snorted and shook his head. “Look, if there’s anything I’ve missed, feel free to fill in the blanks. I’ve already been yelled at by both James and McGonagall. Remus won’t even look at me, and Marlene and Dorcas don’t even really know what I’ve done but they won’t speak to me, either, because of what little James told them. I’ve got detention until the end of term; I very nearly got expelled. What do you think  _ you _ can say to hurt me, exactly?” His voice was bitter as he glared at her almost tiredly, and Lily thought she had never seen Sirius look so defeated before. Ever since their first year, he had been like a force of nature, both when he was boisterous and happy as well as when he was full of rage. Now, he looked deflated, limp and lifeless, all the fight taken out of him. Hopeless. Against her will, she felt a surge of pity for him.

“Are you sorry you did it?” Lily asked, her voice gentler than it had been before. She was still angry, but yelling at Sirius now felt like kicking a dog. She just couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Fuck, of course I am,” Sirius admitted, shaking his head disbelievingly at her words. “What kind of question is that?”

“An honest one,” Lily said, eyeing him warily. “It’s no secret that I’ve never liked you, and you’ve never liked me, either. I don’t pretend to know what kind of person you are.”

“Well, I  _ am _ sorry,” Sirius said. “I was angry, and you must know by now that I have trouble controlling my temper. I wanted to hurt Snape, and I didn’t think. I fucked up.”

“What did he say to you?” Lily asked, staring at him, her eyes narrowed. She wasn’t exactly sure why she was asking him, and not Severus, or even if she would believe his answer. Part of her, however, wanted to know the side of Severus that Sirius knew, which she had never encountered head-on for herself. “What could he have possibly said to you to make you  _ that _ angry?”

Sirius met her eyes piercingly, trying to decide how much he really wanted to tell her, then he figured  _ fuck it _ . Who cared what Lily Evans knew? She already had a poor opinion of him, anyway. “He said some shit about my brother, Regulus,” he said, looking down. “He taunted me, said that Reg had told the other Slytherins that I was a disgrace to the name of Black, that he didn’t consider me his brother anymore, and a load of other stuff. Anyway, he was following me, trying to figure out where Remus was going. He’s always lurking around the full moon, hoping to expose Remus. I lost it.” He left out the other thing that Snape had said, the part which he himself hadn’t figured out yet. He  _ did _ care that Lily knew that.

“Your brother’s younger than you, isn’t he?” Lily asked, trying to conjure up an image of Regulus Black in her mind, but drawing a blank. She didn’t think she had ever seen Sirius with him, so she couldn’t draw a connection between them.

“He’s a third year,” Sirius confirmed, sighing deeply. “And he was sorted into Slytherin, just like I was supposed to be when I got to Hogwarts.”

“You still care about him, though,” Lily said, staring at Sirius pensively. “Don’t you?”

Sirius gave her another obvious look. “Of course I do,” he said. “He was the only person I ever cared about before Hogwarts. You don’t just get rid of that in a hurry.”

“I know,” Lily said. She struggled with herself, staring at Sirius, wondering why she had never seen any of this kind of pain on his face before, never read it in him, or seen it as a reflection of the kind she felt herself. “You know, I have an older sister, Petunia. She’s a Muggle, and she’s hated me ever since I found out that I was a witch, but I still love her.”

“Of course you do,” Sirius said, his grey eyes boring into her green ones, understanding forming an unsteady bridge between them. “You don’t just stop loving people when they hurt you. Sometimes I think that you only really know that you love someone  _ if _ they hurt you. That’s what love means, doesn’t it? Someone being able to cause you pain more than other people.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Lily said, staring at him in shock. “People you love can hurt you, yes, and it hurts an awful lot more than if they were a stranger, but that’s not what love is. People who love you shouldn’t hurt you.”

Sirius looked at her, and maybe it was her words, or something else that brought the barrier down, but he had to talk to someone, and despite her anger, she was the only person who had really spoken to him in days. “I think I broke us,” he said, his eyes burning with the pressure of holding back tears. “What if he never speaks to me again?”

She didn’t need to ask who he was talking about. “I think it will take time, Sirius,” she said. “And groveling, if you haven’t done that already,” she added, more sternly this time.

“I’ve apologized,” Sirius said. “But James told me to leave him alone. He doesn’t want to talk to me. He won’t even  _ look _ at me, Lily.” He wondered at what point in the conversation he had gone from calling her Evans, as he had done for his whole time at Hogwarts, to being comfortable using her first name, and she his. It was almost like they were friends, which was far from the truth.

“You broke his trust,” she said. “I think it will take a lot of time, but I do think he’ll forgive you, eventually. He cares about you too much to never speak to you again.”

“I’m so scared of losing him,” Sirius said, looking distraught. “James I know will forgive me eventually. He’ll yell at me some more, and maybe hit me again like when he found out, but he will forgive me...I honestly wish Remus would yell at me and hit me; the silence is worse.”

“Yes, well, you deserve the silence,” Lily said, giving him a pointed look. “And Remus isn’t like you or Potter, he not really one to hit someone when he’s angry.”

“Me or James...and you, you mean?” Sirius said, giving her a slight smirk. Lily rolled her eyes.

“Don’t get this twisted, Black,” she said, glaring at him again. Sirius smirked at her return to using his last name. “We’re not friends. I still don’t like you, and I’m still furious with you for what you did to Remus and Severus.”

“You just pity me now, too?” Sirius asked, shaking his head in exasperation. “It’s okay, Evans, I get it. And for the record, I still don’t like you either. Thanks for listening to me just now, though. It was a decent thing to do.”

“You’re welcome,” Lily responded. “Just remember that if you do anything else to Remus or Severus, I will be very happy to slap you again.”

“I would expect nothing less,” Sirius said, smiling slightly despite himself. “See you around, Evans.”

“Bye, Black,” she said, walking past him. From that point onward, despite all that they had said, Sirius and Lily couldn’t help but think differently about one another after their conversation.

....

Sirius tried to be patient. He tried to take Lily’s advice, and he knew it was right.  _ It will take time _ , he reminded himself. But days turned into weeks, and no one spoke to him. James, Sirius knew, was taking his cue from Remus. He would not speak to Sirius until Remus did, and Remus was still spending almost every waking moment holed up in the library to avoid Sirius.

Sirius missed his friends so much it felt like a physical ache. He missed the laughter in their dormitory, their adventures, and the physical closeness. He lost count of the days since he had last touched anyone, and at night he dreamed of just the feel of someone else’s body on his, but whenever he turned to see who it was, they evaporated.

He worried he was going mad, as since no one was talking to him, old conversations began to haunt him, echoing in his head. He heard Lily’s words, saying,  _ People who love you shouldn’t hurt you _ , which turned into his mother’s, screaming at him about what a disappointment he was. The echo of Regulus’ voice came next, saying all of the things that Snape had claimed he told the Slytherins about him. Then he heard Snape, a sneer in his voice, saying,  _ Do your parents know you’re a fucking queer with a hard-on for a dirty mutt? _

Sirius pressed his palms to his eyes, making little stars appear in his vision, trying to clear his head.

“Please turn your mind back to the task at hand, Mr. Black,” McGonagall said sharply from her desk, looking up from the essays she was grading. Sirius gave her a sheepish look.

“Sorry, professor,” he said, turning back to the cages he was cleaning without magic. Earlier that day, they had contained mice for Transfiguration, but since they had all been vanished successfully, there were only a few droppings left behind.

He cleaned in silence for another half an hour, trying to push away the dark thoughts that kept popping into his head, but it was difficult, as there was nothing cheerful for him to replace them with. Eventually he got all of the cages clean, and McGonagall excused him. As he walked in silence up to Gryffindor tower, a new wave of determination came over him.

_ Enough is enough _ , he thought.  _ You’ve got to stop being scared to talk to Remus. You have to talk to him, apologize fully and properly. Say more than three words. Otherwise nothing will change. _

It was easier said than done, however, and as he walked back to the tower, Sirius tried desperately to think of what the right words were to express the regret he had been feeling for the past two weeks. Eventually, he came to only one conclusion: there were no words to make what he had done better. It wasn’t much, but it was the only jumping off point he had.

When he walked into the Gryffindor common room, it was almost empty. It was late, after all, and the only students there were working quietly, in small groups or alone. Dorcas, writing what looked like their Charms essay in a corner, looked up at him briefly, but did not speak as he passed her. Sirius only hoped that Remus was not already in bed by the time he got to the dormitory.

When Sirius arrived in the boy’s dormitory, he was lucky. All three of his roommates were up, getting ready for bed. James and Peter glanced up when he entered, and while Peter gave him a small, awkward smile, James ignored him. Still, Sirius’ eyes were fixed on Remus, who had not turned around. His shoulders were tensed, his back to Sirius, and Sirius knew that he had heard him enter. Sirius cleared his throat.

“Moony,” he said quietly, ignoring James’ sharp look at him. “I need to talk to you. I know you don’t want to talk to me, or to look at me, and that’s fine; I don’t blame you. I deserve it. But I have to say…”

Sirius cleared his throat again, trying to get rid of the lump that was restricting his windpipe. Remus’ shoulders still looked stiff, and his back was very still and straight. He was listening. Sirius continued.

“I have to say how sorry I am. I’ve tried to give you space because I know that what I did was unforgivable, but I never really said it, not like I should have, and I need to. I hate myself for what I did, and if I could do it over I would never have done it in a million years.”

Neither Peter nor James were moving, either. The dorm was deadly quiet, Sirius’ words ringing into the silence, directed at the back of Remus’ head, which was as still as a statue. It looked like he was staring at the opposite wall, his mind perhaps working fast, processing all that Sirius had said, or maybe just clouded with anger over the fact that Sirius had the gall to speak to him at all. Sirius thought his words sounded hollow, his voice cracked with the lack of use over the previous two weeks. He went on doggedly, determined to say what he had came to say.

“I know that there’s no possible explanation that I can give that would make it up to you, that would make it better. Anything I said would just be an excuse, and that would be insulting to you. There’s no excuse. No words could erase all the pain I caused you, and everything I risked when I told Snape what I did,” Sirius said. His mouth was dry now, and his tongue tasted like chalk in his mouth. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining the tremor he thought he saw in Remus’ hands, but then Remus clenched them into fists. Sirius’ heart dropped.  _ It’s no use, _ he thought.  _ None of this is any use _ . He still needed to finish, though.

“I guess all I’ll say is...I let my temper get the better of me. I was stupid, and reckless, and I didn’t think. You shouldn’t forgive me, but please believe me when I say I’ve never regretted anything more in my life than saying those words to Snape. You mean so much to me, Remus, and I hope that even if I don’t deserve it, maybe one day you’ll find it in you to forgive me.”

Remus didn’t turn; he didn’t say anything. He was still as stiff as a board, his fists clenched, facing away from Sirius. Sirius stared at him for a few moments longer, then sighed and turned to go into the bathroom, getting ready for bed. He had said what he had needed to say, and now the words were out there. Just like with Snape, he couldn’t take them back. These, however, he didn’t want to.

....

Later that night, Remus tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. Two hours after he had gotten into his bed, he still couldn’t make himself fall asleep. He had counted sheep, tried to remember as many ridiculous old names from A History of Magic as he could, and even contemplated knocking himself out on the bedpost, but his brain would not turn off. What Sirius had said to him earlier that evening kept replaying in his head, and he couldn’t stop it. Even if Remus did fall asleep, he was sure that Sirius’ words would invade his dreams.

_ I let my temper get the better of me. _ Remus had guessed that much before, with what little James had told him. He didn’t know why, however. What had Snape said to Sirius? What had made him so angry that he forgot about the promise he had made to Remus? What had made him so angry that he had turned cold and cruel, and tried to use Remus to have Snape killed? 

_ I know that there’s no possible explanation that I can give that would make it up to you, that would make it better. _ Sirius had said that the explanation wasn’t good enough, but what was it? Didn’t Remus still deserve the explanation, even if it wouldn’t even come close to making up for what he had done? Remus scolded himself for wanting the whole story, when he knew it wouldn’t make him forgive Sirius, but his mind kept churning with the possibilities.

_ You mean so much to me, Remus... _

Remus shut his eyes briefly, placing his hand over them, trying to prevent the tears from welling up in them, just as they had every time he thought about Sirius over the past two weeks. Sirius had betrayed him in the worst way possible, used him as a weapon against Snape, and yet Remus missed him so much it felt unbearable sometimes.

He couldn’t even look at Sirius anymore, because every time he looked at him he felt not only a sharp pang of anger and betrayal, he also felt a duller ache of longing, which somehow hurt even more, and was harder to push away.

Just then, Remus heard the sounds of bedsprings creaking from the bed to his right, then footsteps on the hardwood floor. Remus could hear Sirius shuffling around for a few moments, then his footsteps moved further away, and the dormitory door opened and shut quietly. Sirius had left the dormitory. Where had he gone?

Remus tried to fall asleep again, tried to put his mind at rest, but it was racing now even more than ever. What was Sirius doing, wandering about the castle in the dead of night? He shifted restlessly for several minutes, then gave in to his curiosity. From the drawer of his bedside table, Remus pulled out a piece of parchment, and unfolded it.

Under his illuminated wand tip, Remus made out the details of the map which the Marauders had been working on for the past year and a half. It was still half completed, but they had all made a lot of progress since the start of their full moon adventures. Of course, no one had looked at it in the last few weeks, but just before the last moon, Remus had worked out how to cast the immensely difficult Homonculous Charm on it, so that it tracked the whereabouts of everyone in the castle grounds. He was still unsure whether it had worked right, but as he scanned the map’s surface, he spotted a tiny dot labeled  _ Sirius Black _ moving quickly away from Gryffindor tower.

He followed the dot’s progress for a while, until it came to rest in the Astronomy Tower. He stared at it for a few moments, conflicted over what to do, then a sense of urgency took him over. He needed answers, even if he didn’t want them.

He swung his feet out of bed and pushed the curtains of his four poster aside impatiently. Stepping into his boots and lacing them up, he grabbed his coat, his wand, and the map, and set out to follow Sirius.

No one was in the corridors at this time of night. He checked the map periodically for signs of Filch, the new caretaker, or Mrs. Norris, his abominable cat, but they were all the way on the other side of the castle, so he felt quite safe, following Sirius’ path through the deserted corridors, his wand lit.

He hesitated as he reached the stairs to the Astronomy Tower, then took a deep breath and began to climb them, stowing the map into his pocket and extinguishing his wand as he did so. The moon was a perfect crescent hanging in the sky, the stars around it shining brighter to compensate, lighting the top of the tower. Remus climbed the stairs silently, and when he reached the top, he stopped. Sirius sat on side of the parapet overlooking the grounds, his legs swinging free.

Remus knew Sirius was not afraid of heights; he thrived off of them. His position only reflected his liking for finding high ground, something Remus had often noticed on their full moon adventures. Even as a dog, Sirius liked to find a vantage point to look out at the grounds. Still, Remus couldn’t stop the twinge of anxiety he felt, seeing Sirius there, so close to the edge. He pushed the feeling away.

Sirius’ eyes were distant, looking out over the grounds. Remus cleared his throat, breaking the silence. Sirius started slightly, no doubt he hadn’t realized anyone was there, so caught up in his thoughts.

“Remus,” Sirius turned, looking surprised as he turned to see the other boy, his sweater pulled closer around him in the chilly air, unusual for late April. “What are you doing here?”

“The question is, what are  _ you _ doing here?” Remus said, moving towards the parapet. “I heard you leave, and saw you on the map. What, you trying to make yourself die faster of hypothermia? It’d be one of your more stupid ideas.”

Sirius gave a slight smile. “Yeah, I guess that’s saying something given recent events,” he remarked bitterly. “Why did you follow me?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Remus said, then paused. “And I wanted to talk to you. Can I sit?”

“Of course.” Silence fell over them as they stared out at the sky, the stars and moon prominent above them.

“I know that you said you didn’t want to give me an excuse because you knew it would be insulting, but...I still want to know what happened,” Remus said, glancing at his friend beside him. They were close enough so that goosebumps emerged on Sirius’ left arm, the one closest to Remus, which were entirely unrelated to the cold and entirely related to the unquantifiable feeling of Remus next to him, as if he could feel the heat coming off the other boy’s body, though this was pure imagination.

“I know that there really isn’t anything you can say that’ll make it better, but...I still—it’s just been at the back of my mind every moment, thinking about what was said, what was done, and even if it won’t make it better, I want to know. I’m going crazy not knowing.” Remus swallowed, and there was a long silence, Sirius staring at Remus. Then he took a deep breath, and began the story. It was easy to recall, as it had been replaying in Sirius’ mind on a repeat over the last couple of weeks, as if he was trying to find some loophole that would undo what had been said.

He told Remus about walking out towards the willow, about hearing Snape behind the greenhouses, about catching him and demanding him to tell him why he was there. He told him about the taunts. Just like with Lily, he omitted what Snape had said about him and Remus, but he told him about what Snape had said about Regulus, and his mother. After he finished, Remus continued to stare at him. Sirius met his eyes, and the intensity of their gaze made Remus flush slightly, breaking the eye contact to look out over the castle grounds.

“Remus...please say something,” Sirius said, his voice desperate. There was a long silence, and Remus didn’t look back at him when he finally spoke.

“Well, you’re right,” Remus said, sighing. “It didn’t make it better.”

Sirius’ heart sank. “It didn’t make it better,” Remus continued. He looked back up at Sirius. His heart was pounding in his chest. Speaking to Sirius again for the first time in weeks was like drawing poison out of a wound. It was a sharp pain, but somehow more bearable than the dull ache he had been feeling for the last two weeks. “But at least now I know. And maybe now I can stop thinking about it as much.” Sirius head snapped up, and he stared at Remus, a flicker of hope passing through him.

“Does that mean…” Sirius couldn’t even finish the sentence, he didn’t want to dare to hope, but something in Remus’ eyes made him think that perhaps the feeling of cold loneliness and shame that had been haunting him for the last few weeks might not last forever.

“I thought about what you said...I’ve been thinking about it non-stop, actually,” Remus admitted, running a hand through his wavy brown locks, and fixing Sirius with a piercing stare. “And I don’t think I can stay angry at you forever, because...like you said about me, I really care about you, Sirius, more than almost anyone. And so when I think about losing you, to this, or anything, it’s unbearable. These last two weeks have been torture.”

Sirius ached to hear the pain in Remus’ voice. He wished he could reach out and touch him, but he held himself back. Remus cast Sirius another tortured look, and continued. “I alternate between beating myself up about what could’ve happened and hating you, and then tearing myself apart because I miss you so much. I’m not saying that I forgive you, but I don’t think that I can go on not looking at you, not speaking to you. I don’t think that I can stand that. So it might be a while before things go back to normal, but maybe eventually they will. I can’t really see a different way on my part.”

Remus looked angry with himself, Sirius thought, as he looked at Sirius. It was as if something within him had betrayed his mind, forcing him to be illogical, to take Sirius back even when he didn’t deserve it. But the longing that Sirius had been feeling was also reflected in Remus’ eyes, and Sirius was relieved to see it.

“I’ll do better,” Sirius said. “I’ll do everything and anything to make it up to you.”

“You’d better,” Remus said, and there was a small smile on his face now. “I expect you to be my servant for the indefinite future.”

Sirius’ face broke into the first smile in a long time, and he almost laughed. “Sounds like a plan,” he said. He didn’t reach out to touch Remus, didn’t clasp his shoulder or hug him. He somehow felt that that would be crossing a line, and he didn’t want Remus to flinch away back into the cold silence again. Still, as the two looked back over the grounds together, Sirius could feel Remus beside him for the first time in a long time, and the mere presence almost made tears well up in his eyes, so sweet was the relief. Remus was speaking to him again, and now he had the chance to heal things. That was more than he deserved, and everything he could ever have hoped.

They walked back to the dormitory together that night, checking the map to make sure that they would not be caught out of bed. It was two in the morning by the time they returned, and they both went immediately back to their respective beds and fell asleep. The next day was a Saturday, so both slept deeply, only waking when the sun streamed through their curtains.

When Sirius finally got out of bed, the clock on his bedside table read 11:36 am. He had completely missed breakfast, but it was almost lunch time, and his stomach was rumbling. He rose to his feet, and went to the bathroom, passing Remus on his way out. At first, Sirius worried that the previous night was just a dream, then Remus gave Sirius a small, tentative smile, and his heart expanded in relief. He smiled back, and went about brushing his teeth.

After changing into his weekend clothes, Sirius turned to look around the dormitory. Peter was off somewhere, his bed unmade, curtains open. James’ bed was empty as well, but neater, and Remus was rummaging in his chest of drawers.

“Want to go to lunch?” Sirius asked.

“Sure,” Remus said. He found the sweater he was looking for, pulled it over his head, and nodded to Sirius, making his way towards the dormitory door. As they made their way towards it, however, the door opened, revealing James. He stopped in the doorway, his hand holding it open, looking from one to another of them, standing next to each other.

There was a silence, then James spoke. “Are you two speaking again, then?” He asked, a curious note in his voice. Remus glanced at Sirius and nodded.

“Yeah, we are,” he told James. “We talked a bit last night.”

James gave a slow nod, looking first at Remus, then fixing his eyes on Sirius, who was staring back at him rather warily. “Okay,” James said. He stepped forward, almost casually, letting the dormitory door swing closed behind him, and punched Sirius squarely on the nose. A crack rang out through the dormitory, and Sirius swore, stumbling back and clutching at it, staring at James.

“You deserved that,” James said quietly, breathing heavily as he stared at Sirius.

“I know,” Sirius replied after a moment, steadying himself with one hand on James’ bedpost and the other hand feeling his broken nose, one nostril now streaming blood.

“I’m going to go,” Remus said, glancing from one to the other then disappearing down the boys’ dormitory staircase, leaving the two to air out their problems in peace.

Sirius went to the bathroom and grabbed a wad of toilet paper, holding it to his nose gingerly while still staring at James. When the flow ceased, he tossed the paper in the garbage, and straightened again, looking at his best friend warily. “Do you want to do it again?” He offered nonchalantly. James stared at him for a moment, then his posture slumped and he shook his head.

“Not particularly, no,” he said, sitting down on his bed.

“Well, let me know if you ever do,” Sirius said, sitting across from him on his own bed. James, despite himself, let out a snort of laughter.

“I will,” he said. Silence fell between them again, a loaded, awkward silence. Sirius broke it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking up at James. “I know that—”

“Do you?” James interrupted, looking at Sirius accusatorially. “Do you really know what I’m feeling right now?”

Sirius paused, his mouth open, and shook his head. “No, maybe I don’t,” he said. After another pause, he said, a bit impatiently. “Why don’t you tell me, then?”

The two boys glared at each other, then James relented and spoke. “I risked it all to fix your mistake,” he said quietly. “You fucked up, and I cleaned up your mess, like I always do. But this time I had to risk my life to make it happen. And I would do it again, Sirius, you know I would….but why did I have to?”

There was another long pause. “I’m sorry,” Sirius said, hanging his head. “You shouldn’t have had to do that. The moment you left the common room, it hit me what I had done, and I regretted it.”

“Why did you do it?” James asked, curiosity peaking as his frustration eased slightly. “Snape told Dumbledore that you had an argument, and he said something about your family. Was that it?”

Sirius looked at James, looked at him with eyes full of pain and conflict in them, searching his best friend’s hazel ones. James, though not as good as Remus at reading Sirius, knew in that moment that his best friend was wondering how much to tell him. He waited.

“That was it,” Sirius said heavily. “He told me that Regulus said a whole bunch of awful things about me, that he thought I was a blood traitor and that he wanted me to be disowned. He mentioned my mother, too. And said some stuff about Remus...about him being a monster. I broke.”

James nodded, slowly. “Snape could be lying, though,” he said after a moment. “He could have been lying that Regulus said that stuff.”

Sirius sighed heavily. “He could have been, yes,” he said, but James knew from Sirius’ tone of voice that he didn’t believe it. “I’m fucked up, James,” Sirius said, looking ragged. “The fact that that’s all it took for me to tell Snape...that’s fucked up. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and I sure as hell don’t deserve Moony’s.”

“But Remus did forgive you,” James said, raising his eyebrows at his best friend. Sirius shook his head.

“No,” he said heavily. “But he wants to move forward. He says he can’t go on not talking to me anymore. I’m glad. He shouldn’t forgive me.” The note of self-hatred in Sirius’ voice made James protective again.

“Stop it,” he said firmly. “Look, I wasn’t going to talk to you again until Moony did, because he’s the one you hurt the most, but neither hating yourself nor feeling sorry for yourself is going to help anything. It isn’t going to make things go back to normal with Remus, that’s for sure. And for the record, I forgive you for the part of it that I can forgive you for. You just better figure your shit out, though. This can’t happen again.”

Sirius looked startled, but hopeful. “It won’t,” he said. “Never again.”

“Good,” James said, giving him a satisfied nod. He stood up and made his way over to Sirius, and pulled him into a brotherly hug. “Now let’s go down to the Hospital Wing so that Madam Pomfrey can fix your nose.”

“Thank Merlin, it fucking hurts,” Sirius said, laughing slightly then wincing.

“If you complain, I might be tempted to punch you again,” James said, but he smiled. They headed down the boy’s dormitory stairs, ignoring the glances they got as people looked at Sirius’ broken nose in curiosity and surprise. As they passed the fireplace, Sirius caught Lily’s eye, who was just looking up at them from her book. She nodded at him, and he nodded back. There was the mere hint of a smile on her face as she turned back to her reading, and he on his as he followed James out of the common room.


	21. Second-Class Citizen, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: violence against fictional minority group/wizarding equivalent of hate crime (not sure how else to describe this?), discrimination, blood

On a mild, sunny Wednesday afternoon in late May, Mary Macdonald could be found laying on the grass in the grounds doing her homework. It was a little more than a month away from when all the 5th years were set to take their O.W.L.s, and in half an hour, Mary would have to attend her career advice meeting with Professor McGonagall to discuss her options for her future. In her opinion, it was quite unfair that wizards and witches were expected to decide their whole career at the age of fifteen, and that their career choices were so limited by what classes they had decided on a whim to take at the age of thirteen. Despite her skepticism about the whole process, however, Mary was anxious to do well in her O.W.L.s, as she knew that whatever she wanted to do, having good marks would only help her in the process.

However, at this particular moment, she was failing miserably to concentrate on her work. Instead, she kept looking across the grass towards the group of intimidating-looking Slytherin boys sitting by the water. Among them were Avery, Mulciber, Snape, and Rosier, along with some other boys that she didn’t know the names of. They were clustered together, talking in low voices, so that Mary couldn’t hear what they were saying from her spot against a tree. Still, Mary could sense that they were certainly not discussing O.W.L.s, what with their air of secrecy. Mary’s skin prickled with suspicion and disgust flooded through her as she regarded them. She didn’t think that they had seen her, and that was all the better, as who knew what they would do to her if they saw her watching.

The previous week, the group of boys in front of her had attacked a 2nd year Muggle-born Hufflepuff boy, not that the teachers knew that. Nevertheless, the rumors had spread around the school quickly enough. The problem was, there was no proof. The boy remembered next to nothing, but Mulciber had been heard bragging in the Slytherin common room about how he had practiced the Imperious Curse on the boy, making him humiliate himself in front of the other Slytherins for their amusement. When word spread around the school, the Slytherins were called into Professor Dumbledore’s office to answer questions about the incident, but they denied everything, and were not punished. Miranda Ellerton, Mary’s Ravenclaw friend, had whispered to her in History of Magic on Tuesday that she had heard that the governors had stopped the boys from being suspended, a decision that had largely been spearheaded by Avery’s father, who was highly influential in the Ministry of Magic. Every time Mary thought of it, she felt bile build in her throat, and her skin flushed with barely repressed anger.

_ How dare they? _ She thought angrily as she glared at them.  _ How dare they use an Unforgivable Curse on a 2nd year? How dare they think they’re better than everyone else because they’re “pureblood”? Those disgusting, inbred, twisted, pieces of— _

“Earth to Mary! Hellooo?” Mary started, coming back to attention as she suddenly became aware of a hand waving in front of her face. Without her realizing, Marlene had approached her on the lawn and was now sitting in front of her, a puzzled yet amused look on her face.

“Oh, hey Marley,” Mary said, shaking her head to clear it. “What’s up?”

“What’s up with you?” Marlene said, her voice sounding amused. She looked over towards the group of Slytherins that Mary had been staring at. “Brooding over those disgusting snakes again?”

“How can I not?” Mary said, the furious expression returning to her face. “I can’t believe that they got away with what they did to Martin Simmons last week! They should be in Azkaban.”   


“I know, Mary,” Marlene said sympathetically. “They should be. But there’s nothing  _ we _ can do about it, can we?”

Mary turned to glare at her, too. “We should do  _ something _ ! I don’t understand everyone. It’s like we go back to business after something terrible like this happens, like it’s okay, like it’s normal! It’s not!”

“Whoa, Mary, calm down,” Marlene said, looking rather startled. Mary didn’t get angry often, but she had been practically fuming for the last week. It was true that all of the Gryffindor fifth years had been exploding with rage for the first day or two after the incident happened, but the rest of the school had, as Mary had said, mostly gone back to talking about other things. Mary could hardly stand it. As if things like Quidditch and who was dating who mattered while people were being attacked!

“I will  _ not _ calm down, Marlene!” She exclaimed, rather more loudly than she had intended, so that a few students nearby turned around to look at her, including some of the Slytherin boys by the lake. Marlene glanced around warily at them, trying to shush Mary while not being insensitive. 

Mary continued, slightly quieter, but still in an angry hiss. “You and Dorcas and the rest might be able to forget about this quickly, but I can’t! In case you’ve forgotten, I’m a Muggle-born, just like Martin. This whole blood purity thing, it’s  _ awful,  _ and even though Martin wasn’t hurt badly, there’s a reason that that curse is unforgivable! It takes away free will, and that’s a crime against humanity! Sometimes I forget how  _ fucked up _ the Wizarding World is, but then something like this happens! People in the Ministry believe all this pureblood bullshit, too, but people treat it like it’s normal, like it’s okay, and don’t see that those prejudices can lead to terrible things happening.”

Marlene stared at her with wide eyes. She had never heard Mary talk like this before, with such anger and passion in her voice. Despite her forceful words, however, there was fear in her eyes, and this, more than anything else, made Marlene realize how dense she had been. For her, the incident with the Hufflepuff boy was isolated, but for Mary, it was connected to a larger pattern of prejudice which she herself had been experiencing since she had arrived at Hogwarts. Mary saw the boy who they had attacked, and she saw herself.

“I’m sorry,” was all Marlene could say at first, still staring at Mary, who was still breathing heavily but looked slightly calmer after her outburst. “You’re absolutely right, Mary. We’ve been going back to our regular lives, and we shouldn’t have been. You’re right also that neither Dorcas nor I nor any of the other girls except you and Lily really understand what it’s like to be discriminated against because of our blood status.”

Mary deflated at Marlene’s words, relief flooding through her as her rage subsided somewhat. It was almost euphoric to be able to voice what had been going through her mind for the last week, and that Marlene had been able to hear her. She sighed. “I don’t understand how Lily can still be friends with Snape after this,” she said, glaring past Marlene to the boys by the lake again. “She goes on and on about James and the Marauders all the time with playing pranks and hexing people, but she doesn’t even mention the fact that her best friend probably watched this attack happen and didn’t lift a finger.”

“I don’t understand it, either,” Marlene sighed. For once, she didn’t use this as an opportunity to rail about Lily, or to say ‘I told you so’ to the other girl, as she knew that this was definitely not the moment. “Especially with her being a Muggle-born herself.” The two girls stared over at the Slytherins for another few moments, neither of them quite caring if the boys saw them, united in dislike.

“I  _ hate _ them,” Mary said, her words full of venom as she glared at the Slytherins. “They’re so  _ vile _ . Ever since I’ve arrived at Hogwarts it’s been nothing but contempt, malicious words, and slurs from them. And all the other things, too, from other people. Like Slughorn saying how Lily and I are so good at Potions and he can’t believe that we’re Muggle-born, or people thinking it’s a compliment to say that I must have magical ancestor hidden somewhere because I fit in so well with everyone here. It’s just a reminder that deep down, lots of wizards will always see me as a second-class citizen. All of it is a part of something much nastier, and one of these days it’s going to turn even worse. You know all the stuff about Voldemort. People say he’ll never gain enough power to do what he wants to do, but I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Marlene said, nodding. “My father’s been saying for years that the fact that prominent Ministry members are still blood purists, and believe all that bullshit, influences policy and lets extremists like Voldemort gain power without being checked.”

“It’s the small ways it makes its way into our everyday lives that makes it harder to root out,” Mary said, nodding vigorously, her eyes back on Marlene. Then she looked down at her watch and swore. “Fuck, I have my career meeting in five minutes! I have to go to McGonagall’s office.” She snatched up her books from the grass and stuffed them in her bag haphazardly, smoothing her skirt and brushing off the grass. “I’ll see you at dinner, alright?” She said to Marlene, waving at her hurriedly before starting to run back to the castle.

“Good luck!” Marlene called after her, watching her disappear, her mind going back to Mary’s earlier words and turning them over in her head contemplatively.

Mary dashed up the lawn towards the castle steps, running up them and through the oak front doors. She ran through the entrance hall and to the Grand Staircase, hurrying towards McGonagall’s office. She arrived, panting, outside her office, checked her watch, relieved to see she was right on time. She knocked on the door and heard McGonagall tell her to come in inside, pushing it open and stepping into the office, where the professor sat behind her desk, her hands folded in front of her. Mary hastily took her seat at the desk and looked expectantly at her head of house, feeling slightly nervous. Professor McGonagall was very strict, and Mary had always been rather intimidated by her, especially as she didn’t consider Transfiguration to be one of her strongest subjects.

“Well, Miss Macdonald, this meeting’s purpose is to discuss any ideas you might have about your future career, and to determine which classes you may want to continue into your N.E.W.T. levels. Do you have any thoughts about what you might want to do after Hogwarts?”

“I’m not quite sure,” Mary admitted. “I looked over the pamphlets about careers, but there were so many to choose from, and it was quite overwhelming, to be honest.”

Professor McGonagall gave her a rather kind smile, and Mary felt encouraged by this. “Well, perhaps we should start with what your favorite subjects are? That might give you a jumping off point to see what you might want to delve into later.”

“Care of Magical Creatures,” Mary said immediately, not even pausing to think about it. “After that, I guess I like Charms and Potions quite a bit, too.”

“Well, if Care of Magical Creatures is your favorite, we can start there,” Professor McGonagall said, shifting the papers in front of her and pulling out a page, which her eyes scanned down. “There are quite a few options in that area. There are plenty of jobs working at magical creature rescues, like those for Dragons, Hippogriffs, or the like, or for organizations that fight for magical creature rights. There’s also the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures in the Ministry.”

“What kind of requirements do jobs like that have?” Mary asked, her ears perking up. These seemed much more interesting than most of the ones that she had read about on the pamphlets in the Gryffindor common room.

“Most of them require at least four N.E.W.T. subjects with a passing score,” McGonagall said. “Care of Magical Creatures, of course, is the most important to do well in. For the other subjects, organizations aren’t too picky. Herbology and Potions are both very useful, I would say, as both subjects are intrinsically linked to keeping these magical creatures healthy. However, many of these organizations rely heavily on interviews, seeing how one interacts with magical creatures, and, of course, a passion for helping them.”

“That sounds brilliant, actually,” Mary said, feeling much more hopeful than when she had come into the meeting. McGonagall gave her another rare smile.

“I doubt you should have any issues with the requirements,” she said kindly. “You’re a very bright pupil, Miss Macdonald. Of course, you should work hard in studying for your O.W.L.s, especially in Care of Magical Creatures, but Professor Kettleburn has noted that your work has always been exemplary in that subject for the last two years, so you shouldn’t have much trouble. I would also recommend focusing on Herbology and Potions, and you may choose any additional subjects to take for N.E.W.T.s at your leisure.”

“Do you think I have good enough marks in Defense and Transfiguration to take them to N.E.W.T. level?” Mary asked. Professor McGonagall looked over her square-rimmed glasses at Mary questioningly.

“I have graded you between an Acceptable and Exceeds Expectations in Transfiguration for the last couple of years, so you should make sure to study hard if you want to receive the Exceeds Expectations required to continue with Transfiguration in the future,” she said after a pause. “And your last few Defense Against the Dark Arts professors have consistently given you Exceeds Expectations on most tests, which is sufficient to continue. But I never got the impression that you particularly enjoyed either of these subjects. Why do you wish to continue with them to N.E.W.T.s?”

Mary met McGonagall’s piercing gaze steadily, taking a deep breath before answering, trying to keep her voice calm and measured. “Professor, I want to do everything I can to prepare myself for life after Hogwarts,” she began. “But there are things that I have to contend with within the walls of Hogwarts, too. I need to have the proper skills to deal with those, as well.”

Professor McGonagall looked at her for a moment, then removed her spectacles and set them down on her desk before looking back up at Mary, her eyes full of an emotion that Mary didn’t think she had ever seen in them before. Was it protectiveness? “You are referring, I believe, to the incident that happened last week to Mr. Simmons?”

“I am,” Mary said, continuing to meet her gaze. “I may not naturally excel in either Defense or Transfiguration, but I know that both are extremely useful subjects, and knowing more magic of any kind might make the difference between my life and my death someday.”

“Have a biscuit, Miss Macdonald,” Professor McGonagall said, pushing a tin of ginger newts towards her. She looked at Mary almost appraisingly as she took a cookie, biting into it tentatively. After a long moment, as Mary chewed, McGonagall spoke again.

“I will not insult your intelligence by saying that your fears are unfounded, Mary,” she said, and Mary was startled to hear McGonagall use her first name. “You are a Muggle-born, and that makes some see you as a target in a way which others of your friends are not. I understand that you see the way in which the world is changing, and you are in the unique place to truly understand what that might mean for you in your life. I applaud your commitment to protecting yourself, even as I wish it wasn’t necessary.”

Mary nodded slightly, rather shocked that the professor was speaking to her like this, so candidly and respectfully. McGonagall continued. “I can tell you that Professor Dumbledore, the rest of the staff, and I are doing everything in our power to protect students like you against those who might wish to harm you, but again, I must be honest and reveal that we often have very little power against the governors when there is such limited evidence to work with. I wish I could reassure you more.”

“Thank you, Professor,” Mary said after a moment, digesting the information. “For speaking so honestly with me, and not dismissing my concerns.”

“Of course, Mary,” Professor McGonagall, picking up her spectacles and putting them back on after giving her a rather motherly look. “Now, do you have any more questions about your career or O.W.L.s?”

“No, thank you, Professor,” Mary said, smiling at her gratefully.

“Then you may go,” the professor said, giving her a slight smile before turning back to her papers. “If Mr. Pettigrew is outside, you may send him in.”

“Okay, goodbye Professor,” Mary said, standing up from her chair and leaving the office. Peter was indeed standing outside, looking a bit nervous, so Mary gave him an encouraging smile and nodded her head towards the door, holding it open for him. “Professor McGonagall said that you can go in,” she said, and he smiled back gratefully before entering.

Mary continued down the corridor, lost in thought about her conversation with McGonagall. It was dinner time by then, so she made her way slowly to the Great Hall to meet the rest of her housemates. She was relatively quiet at dinner, not participating much in conversation as she sat down with the rest of the girls in her dormitory. Marlene noticed this, and spoke to her in a lull in the chatter. “How was your career advice session with McGonagall?” She asked, looking inquisitively at Mary.

Mary started at being addressed, as she had been so lost in her thoughts. “Oh, it was good,” she said, smiling at Marlene. “She told me about a bunch of possibilities for careers in Care of Magical Creatures related fields, and I can mostly make up my mind on what to take for N.E.W.T.s.”

“That sounds brill,” Marlene said, grinning. “Do you think you want to go into the Ministry in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, or something else?”

“I’d rather do more on the ground work with magical creatures,” Mary said, thinking back to what McGonagall had told her. “McGonagall said there are lots of rescues and sanctuaries for magical creatures that need people to work there.”

“Wow, that sounds amazing!” Dorcas exclaimed, joining their conversation, which she had been listening to from Marlene’s left side. “Much more fun than a desk job. I’ve heard that there are even dragon sanctuaries outside of the United Kingdom!”

Mary laughed. “I’m not sure I’m  _ that _ punk-rock that I’d want to look after wild dragons,” she admitted, smiling. “Anyway, I’d like to stay in England if I can. It would be nice to work with some of the creatures we’ve learned about in Care of Magical Creatures so far, though, like unicorns, nifflers, hipogriffs...you know, stuff like that. McGonagall said that a lot of the organizations incorporate advocacy and activism for magical creature rights as well, which sounds interesting.”

“Well, at least I know one person who will be taking Care of Magical Creatures with me for N.E.W.T.s,” Dorcas said, beaming at Mary. “That is, if I get the marks, I guess.”

“Oh, hush,” Marlene said to her best friend, rolling her eyes and looking at her affectionately. “You and Mary are both amazing at Care of Magical Creatures, you two will definitely get into the N.E.W.T. class. How many classes are you planning on taking for N.E.W.T.s, though, Dee? You already have to do the same five that I have to do for Auror training to be a Healer, but you keep going on about all your other subjects like you plan to continue them all to N.E.W.T.s!”

“We’ll see,” Dorcas said, a slight smile on her face as she took a bite of her food, looking contemplative. “I’d definitely take all of them if I could!”

“You would need a time turner or something to get all your work done,” Marlene said, shaking her head in disbelief. Dorcas didn’t retort back, just grinned at Mary across the table mischievously. Mary shook her head in amusement and went back to her dinner. 

After a moment, Mary felt a strange prickling sensation on the back of her neck, along with the feeling that someone was watching her. She turned, scanning the Great Hall, and her eyes soon landed on the Slytherin table, where Evan Rosier was giving her a malevolent stare. She turned back quickly to face her plate, her heart beating fast.  _ Just ignore him _ , she thought to herself.  _ It doesn’t mean anything. _

....

Back in the girl’s dormitory that evening, Mary recounted what Professor McGonagall had told her at her career advice session on the topic of the attack of Martin Simmons. There was a long silence, as the other girls digested her words, before Emmeline spoke up.

“So that confirms what Miranda told you, Mary,” she said, looking angry. “The governors stopped Dumbledore and the other professors from punishing those boys for what they did!”

“Yeah, it seems that way,” Mary said, glad of Emmeline’s anger, as it allowed her room to express her own. “She didn’t say it was because of Mr. Avery, but it’s not like she can say something like that explicitly to a student. I’m surprised she told me anything, frankly.”

“I can’t believe they didn’t even get detention, or house points taken away!” Hestia exclaimed, her face screwed up in anger. “They used an Unforgivable Curse on that boy, and that’s supposed to get you a life sentence in Azkaban, but they get away scot-free!”

“You’re brave for bringing it up to her,” Marlene said to Mary. “I’m just as surprised as you that she told you anything, but I guess McGonagall’s unpredictable like that sometimes. I feel like she’s on our side, though, most of the time. She’s strict, but she cares about students in a way that some other professors don’t.”

“I wish that we could  _ do _ more, here at Hogwarts,” Dorcas said, her eyes blazing. “Merlin, if I could teach those boys a lesson! But I would just get a detention for it. Ironic, isn’t it, that retaliating will get me punished when they didn’t get any punishment for using dark magic on a second year?”

Mary nodded vigorously, fuming as well, the other girls in her dormitory making sounds of anger as well. She turned to look at Lily, who hadn’t said anything yet, and was looking very conflicted. “What do you think, Lily? You haven’t said anything.”

“Well, obviously I think it’s awful, of course,” Lily said, looking across at Mary slightly defensively. “Mulciber should be expelled for what he did, or imprisoned!”

“And what about the rest of them?” Mary asked, meeting her roommate’s eyes steadily. “What about the other Slytherins who stood by and laughed when it was happening?” She knew that she was picking a fight that might be unwise, but she didn’t much care. Lily looked back at her, her green eyes narrowed slightly.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Mary,” she said finally, her tone reproachful. In that moment, Mary realized that she was positively furious with Lily. She wanted to tell her exactly how stupid she was being, how blind, how she was complicit because she was defending her  _ friend _ , who had been there and seen it all happen. She swallowed slightly, trying to hold her anger back, but she was shaking.

“I want you to explain to me how you can be friends with Snape after this,” she said, trying to sound calm though her voice was tight with suppressed rage. “After he stood there and watched this all happen.”

“You don’t know that he was there!” Lily exclaimed, crossing her arms over her chest. “You don’t get to make baseless accusations like that!”

“ _ Everyone _ knows he was there, Lily!” Mary said, louder this time. “And even if he wasn’t, he’s part of that little gang, isn’t he? He’s still friends with those boys, the ones who cursed Simmons, isn’t he? Does he say  _ anything _ to them while they call people like you and me Mudbloods, and curse them?”

“I don’t  _ know _ , okay, Mary!” Lily retorted, her voice rising angrily as well. “How am I supposed to know what he says to them, what he hears, what he does?”

“You’re supposed to know because you’re supposed to know what kind of person you’re friends with!” Mary practically shouted at her. Dorcas, Marlene, Hestia, and Emmeline looked between them, their eyes travelling back and forth between the two girls as they stood on either ends of the dormitory, shouting at one another. It was so unexpected, this row, as Mary and Lily had always been friendly with one another. They studied together in the library, they talked about subjects and their families sometimes. But now they were on opposite ends of a verbal duel, spitting with rage at one another.

“Of course I know who he is! He’s friends with me, isn’t he? That means he doesn’t care about blood status!” Lily shouted back, turning red with anger.

“Does it, Lily?” Mary said, letting out an angry laugh. “Or does it mean that he’s content to think that you’re the  _ exception _ and treat every other Muggle-born like scum while he hopes that you won’t notice! You’re a hypocrite! Always yelling at James and Sirius for pranking people and hexing them for fun, while defending for your precious  _ Severus _ while he stands by and watches his friends use Unforgivable Curses on second years for their blood status!”

“That is  _ not _ the same thing!” Lily exclaimed, her face flushing in embarrassment instead of anger.

“Yes, that’s exactly my point, Lily!” Mary said, glaring at her. “There is  _ no comparison at all _ between immature stunts like the Marauders pull and actual dark magic that your pal Snape is obsessed with!"

Lily just stared at her for a moment, shocked, as all the other girls in the dormitory, including Mary, stared at Lily. She looked around at them, meeting the other’s eyes briefly before looking down, her voice suddenly soft. “I don’t know what’s going on with him,” she admitted. “I’ve told him that I don’t like his friends and what they’re getting him involved in, but he won’t listen to me. I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s not just what his friends are getting him involved in, Lily,” Mary said, still angry, but finding it hard to stay as furious as she wanted to be with Lily looking so defeated. “I know you never wanted to hear it, but Snape has been interested in the Dark Arts ever since he arrived at Hogwarts. He’s picked his side.”

“I don’t want to give up on him,” Lily said quietly.

“It’s not your job to convince him not to be a bigot,” Mary said harshly. “It’s your job to protect the people that he and his friends are victimizing. This is only the start. It could be  _ me _ next, or  _ you _ . Remember that when you defend him.” 

She knew that her voice betrayed the fear that had been creeping up behind her rage for the last week, but she didn’t bother to conceal it. The other girls in her dormitory looked at her, their eyes full of concern, but he ignored them, and got onto her bed, pulling the curtains closed around her before climbing under her covers. She slept restlessly that night, her dreams full of sneering Slytherin boys, screams, and snakes.

....

Over the course of the next week, Mary continued to ignore Lily, and Lily didn’t try to talk to Mary, either, though she sometimes cast her regretful glances. Emmeline, Hestia, Dorcas, and Marlene didn’t seem to know what to do with their feuding friends, so they mostly left the two of them alone, hoping they would make up on their own at some point.

“What the hell is going on with you two?” Remus asked Lily in Charms on Friday morning as he saw Mary take the seat furthest away from Lily instead of the one on her side that she usually sat at. Lily shrugged.

“She’s just—” she broke off, sighing. “We got in a row the other night because I’m still friends with Severus after what happened to that Hufflepuff.”

Remus gave her a searching look. “Hmm,” he said, but didn’t elaborate. Lily knew that Remus wouldn’t say it, but he agreed with Mary’s stance on Snape. She sighed again, and turned her attention to the task of the day instead, which was practicing substantive charms.

Mary, for her part, knew that not speaking to Lily wouldn’t accomplish anything, but she still couldn’t stand to look at her and know that she was still friends Snape. Mary thought that Lily was a good person with a good heart, but she was swayed because she had known Snape for so long. She knew it was a difficult situation, but it still angered her to hear Lily defend him, so she resolved to wait to let herself cool down before going back to normal with her roommate.

It was the Monday following her row with Lily when Mary found herself walking alone back to the dormitory. She had volunteered to look in on the crup that they were studying in Care of Magical Creatures, wanting to take more notes about its behavior, but also hoping to be able to play with it a bit while Professor Kettleburn wasn’t watching, as it was quite cuddly. When the sun began to set over the horizon, Mary shut the enclosure carefully behind her and made her way back up the castle, entering through the oak front doors and making a bee-line for the Grand Staircase, heading up to Gryffindor tower. As she mounted the stairs, she thought she heard a small sound behind, almost like a laugh, but when she stopped and turned to look behind her, she didn’t see anyone there, so she shrugged it off and continued on her way.

It was only when she reached the landing of the third floor that she heard footsteps behind her. Before she could turn, however, her body became still and frozen. There was laughter behind her, louder this time, and she heard the sound of multiple sets of feet getting closer. It was only when they reached the landing and formed a menacing line in front of her that she saw who they were, and her insides seemed to become even more solid than they were already, frozen with fear.

Standing in front of her were all the Slytherin boys who who had attacked Martin Simmons the previous week. There was Mulciber and Avery, the 6th year boys who seemed to be the ringleaders, standing menacingly in front of her. Behind them was Evan Rosier, the 5th year Slytherin prefect who had given her the malicious look a few days ago in the Great Hall, Severus Snape, Lily’s best friend, and three other boys who she now knew were called Macnair, Wilkes, and Travers. They were all taller than she was, and sneered down at her. Some of the younger boys looked rather excited, as if they were about to witness a spectacle.

“So,” Avery said silkily, an evil grin curling his mouth, “out a bit late, aren’t you, Macdonald?” Mary struggled to retort, her insides now boiling with rage, but she was still immobile. He laughed coldly. “What was that, Mudblood? Didn’t quite catch that.”

He waved his wand, and Mary’s body was suddenly free to move again. She clenched her fists and glared up at him. “Fuck you,” she said, and moved to escape, walking towards the next staircase towards her dorm, but Rosier grabbed her arm and flung her back, causing her to trip and fall, sprawling sideways on the ground, catching herself with her hands before she could hit her head on the ground. The boys’ cruel laughter rang in her ears as she tried to lift herself off the floor, loud and echoing off the walls. A foot came down on one of her ankles, keeping her on the ground, and she tossed her long, dark hair out of her eyes, looking up at them defiantly. Avery was standing directly in front of her, grinning like a hyena looking at its prey on the ground, his foot pressing down painfully on her ankle, preventing her from moving.

“We heard that you’ve been quite vocal in your distaste of our little game the other week with that Hufflepuff,” Avery said casually, smiling in cold amusement as she tried to push him off of her, his pressure on her ankle relentless. “We thought you might want a little taste of what we did to Simmons, since you’re so eager to discuss the event with others. Maybe it’ll teach you to keep your mouth  _ shut. _ ” As he spat the last word he slashed his wand at her, causing her body to flip over on the ground, leaving her on her back as the other boys continued to laugh at her.

Now released from Avery’s pressure on her ankle, Mary took the opportunity to leap to her feet quickly, pulling out her wand from her robes and raising it. As soon as it was in her hand, however, it was torn from her grasp. “Expelliarmus!” Rosier said almost lazily, causing her wand to fly out of her hand and fall several steps down the staircase, far from her reach. They advanced on her then, closing even tighter around her as she stared helplessly around at them. Avery laughed again.

“Think you can get away from us so easily, bitch?” He asked, slashing his wand again and causing her to flip over, landing painfully on her side on the ground, her head hitting the ground hard, dazing her. As she looked up at them again, she realized that they were slowly driving her closer to the top of the staircase, backing her towards the end of the landing. They continued to laugh at her.

“What do you think we should make her do?” Avery said, laughing, to Mulciber, who was grinning down at her hungrily. “Dash her brains out against one of the castle walls? Throw herself down the stairs? Display her knickers to the world? I guess that one we might not need the Imperious Curse for, though,” he said disdainfully, glancing down at her. Mary realized that her skirt had risen up her thighs significantly during her last fall, and hastily pushed the hem back down, her cheeks flaming with anger and shame as the Slytherin boys cawed with cruel laughter.

“Fuck you,” she snarled up at her attackers. “Fuck you, you vile, cruel, pig-headed, arse-faced, inbred, bastard sons of—”

Her head whipped to the side as a flash of jagged pain ran through her cheek. When she lifted her hand to it, it came away bloody. “Nice one,” she heard Avery say to someone in the background. She turned her head to face them again, trying to keep tears from falling due to the pain in her cheek, as the cut seemed rather deep.

“Well, what do you think, Macdonald?” Avery said again, crouching down beside her and running his fingers down a lock of her hair, smirking cruelly at her as she flinched away from his touch. “Care to take a tumble down the Grand Staircase of Hogwarts? It would be quite convenient for us, you know. You might break your neck at the bottom, or you’d hit your head so many times that you wouldn’t even  _ remember _ what happened here.”

The other boys laughed again behind him, and he stood up, grinning, backing away from her as Mulciber advanced, his wand extended, ready to cast the spell. “You know, Macdonald, it’s not a bad way to go,” he said, sneering at her. “I’ve heard that being under the Imperious Curse can feel quite euphoric at first, not that  _ I’ve  _ ever experienced it. You won’t even realize what’s happening until it’s all over.”

She glared up at them all, knowing that there was no escape, no way out. Were they truly going to kill her, or were they bluffing? She didn’t know, but either way, she had no power at all to determine her fate. She thought briefly of Lily, and Mary’s words to her the previous week.  _ It could be  _ me _ next, or  _ you. She tasted coppery blood in her mouth as it trickled into her mouth from the slash on her cheek. She refused to look away, refused to cry, refused to beg. She would stare Mulciber down until he imperioused her, until she couldn’t anymore.

Mulciber raised his wand, and his mouth began to form the curse, but then there was a noise from behind them, and several of the Slytherins cried out in surprise as they heard two deafening shouts of “Expelliarmus!” Mulciber turned around, midcurse, and his wand, along with several of the other Slytherins, flew out of their hands. Mulciber dashed to find his fallen wand, along with all the other boys, and through the commotion Mary could see two figures wearing Gryffindor colors with raised wands, and she let out a tired sob of relief.

“Potter! Black!” Avery snarled, his wand still in his wand, facing them. “You really think that you can take us all on?”

“Do you really want to try us?” Mary heard someone who she thought was James—her head was still feeling a bit fuzzy from the hit—respond, his voice forceful and furious. “I’d recommend you get out of here before a teacher comes.”

There was a moment of silence, where Avery glared at Sirius and James, who glared back, fury in both of their faces. Then, Avery nodded to the other Slytherins, who had by then retrieved their fallen wands, and they all walked off down the stairs past her, the sounds of their footsteps receding. Sirius continued to point his wand threateningly at their retreating backs, watching to make sure they didn’t turn back, while James raced down the stairs towards Mary.

“Fuck, Mary, are you alright?” He asked, his voice frantic, full of fear and concern. She tried to peer into his face, but her head ached and her eyes had trouble focusing on him. She could feel the cut on her cheek pulsing with pain, too.

“James…” she said softly, feeling very weak all of a sudden, and her head heavy. He leaned forward just in time to catch her head as it fell back, her body collapsing onto the ground. She heard more footsteps, Sirius hurrying towards them.

“Mary, Mary!” James said, leaning over her face frantically. “Mary, stay awake, please! We’re going to get you to the Hospital Wing, okay, but you need to stay awake! Can you do that?”

Mary hummed slightly in assent, though she felt very, very tired, and felt James hoist her up into his arms. She was rather surprised on how strong he was, but he didn’t seem to have trouble carrying her. As he moved to walk down the staircase, she remembered her wand. “James...my wand, James…” she mumbled softly, her voice weak.

“Sirius, can you pick up Mary’s wand?” James asked in a strained voice, and Mary heard Sirius stoop to pick it up off the floor as James began to hurry down the staircase, as quickly as he dared, Sirius following in his footsteps. Mary imagined that Sirius still had his wand out, covering James, just in case, as the taller boy carried Mary like a ragdoll down the stairs. The trip felt very short, and soon they were at the doors of the Hospital Wing. Sirius banged on them loudly with both fists as James looked down at her fearfully, his breathing heavy with the exertion of running with her.

After less than a minute, the doors were flung open by Madam Pomfrey. “Mr. Black, what on earth do you need at this time of—” she broke off, obviously spotting Mary in James’ arms. “Oh dear!” Madam Pomfrey exclaimed, her voice full of concern. “Bring her in immediately, Mr. Potter, and put her down on this bed here.”

Mary felt herself being laid to rest gently on a soft bed, and the matron bustling around to her side to examine her. “What on earth happened?” Mary heard Madam Pomfrey ask faintly as she felt something brush her cheek, and a stinging sensation as something was dripped on her cut.

“We don’t know exactly,” James explained. “We found her on the landing of the third floor, with seven Slytherin boys around her, taunting her. She was on the ground, and bleeding, but we don’t know exactly what they did to her.”

Mary heard Madam Pomfrey make a shocked and distressed noise in her throat, and then a bright light, probably wandlight, shone into her eyes. After a moment, it went dark again. “Looks like she has a concussion,” Madam Pomfrey said. “She hit her head.”

“Will she be alright?” Sirius asked, his voice sounding more somber and nervous than she had ever heard it before.

“I think she will be fine in due course,” Madam Pomfrey said. “The cut on her cheek should be repairable, though it was deep. She will have to stay here for a few more days, however, to heal the concussion. It’s very lucky that you boys found her.”

The sound receded from Mary’s ears, becoming quieter. Her promise to James was fulfilled, and she felt so leaden she couldn’t stop herself from falling unconscious this time. Her eyes fell shut and the world went black around her.


	22. Second-Class Citizen, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: throwing up, discussions of trauma and discrimination

Mary awoke forty two hours later as sunlight shone through her eyelids, creating a warm, orange glow. The first thing she registered were the sounds of voices from around her, and her eyes fluttered open to see an unfamiliar ceiling above her, rather than her four-poster bed in the girl’s dormitory. She sat up quickly, looking around in confusion, her eyes wide, and as she did so, a sharp pain shot through her head, making her put a hand to it.

“Whoa, Mary, calm down, you’re safe,” said someone by her bedside, and a hand went to her shoulder. She looked to see the owner of the hand, and saw the dark hair, warm olive skin, and dark brown eyes of her friend Hestia Jones, who was staring back at her in concern.

“Lie back down, Mary, you’re not supposed to be up yet,” said another voice, and she looked to her other side to see Emmeline Vance’s long, wavy, light brown locks, pale skin, and serious blue eyes gazing at her. Emmeline arranged her pillow so that she was propped up, and Mary leaned against them, looking back and forth between her two friends.

“What’s going on?” Mary asked. She registered the white bed frame and sheets, as well as the screens that shielded her bed, and knew that she was in the Hospital Wing, but at that moment, she couldn’t conjure in her head the reason why she was there.

Hestia looked at her apprehensively. “Don’t you—don’t you remember what happened?”

Mary shook her head slightly, her neck stiff and painful. The two girls exchanged a glance, but Emmeline was the one to speak first. “James and Sirius found you—well, being attacked by those Slytherin boys. Avery and Mulciber and the rest of them.” Emmeline’s words triggered something in Mary’s mind, and tears filled her eyes as the memory flashed in front of her eyes. She remembered being frozen, the boys taunting and flinging her around, hitting her head, slashing her cheek, threatening to make her throw herself down the stairs...She brought her hand up to her cheek, finding only a rough line of skin where the open wound had been. She lowered her hand, trying to blink away her tears as she looked at her friends.

“I remember now,” she said quietly.

“Madam Pomfrey says that the scar should mostly fade overtime. She’s been applying a potion to it,” Hestia said, trying to reassure Mary, though looking quite helpless as she gazed at her bedridden friend.

“How long have I been in here?” Mary asked, furrowing her brow in confusion.

“Almost two days,” Emmeline said cautiously. “It’s Wednesday afternoon.”

“And the Slytherin boys who attacked me? Please tell me they’ve been expelled,” Mary asked, but she knew the answer already before Hestia gave it.

“Nothing’s happened to them,” she said softly. “Obviously James and Sirius told the teachers what they saw, but the Slytherins are denying everything and since you weren’t awake yet, they had to wait to see what you remembered before giving out any punishments.”

Mary closed her eyes and pressed her fingers to her left temple, where she had hit her head, as another shooting pain went through it. “Are you alright, Mary?” Emmeline said worriedly. “Are you in pain?”

Mary shook her head slightly, not to deny her friend’s question, but just because she needed everything to be quiet for a second. The sound hurt her ears. Bile rose in her throat again, and she leaned over the side of her bed and puked onto the stone floor, her stomach heaving. Hestia scooted her chair back, avoiding being splattered by the sick. She jumped to her feet and hurried out past the screens, no doubt to call Madam Pomfrey, while Emmeline rose and pulled back Mary’s hair so she wouldn’t get sick in it, too. She stopped vomiting after a moment, and began to cry instead, the sobs wracking her body and making her head hurt even more. Emmeline sat on the side of her bed, holding Mary’s smaller body to her own taller frame, cradling her as she sobbed.

After a moment, Hestia reappeared with Madam Pomfrey, who quickly vanished the throw-up and hurried to Mary’s side. “Where does it hurt, Miss Macdonald?”

“My head,” Mary said through her crying, still leaning on Emmeline’s shoulder.

“You sustained a significant concussion, Mary,” Madam Pomfrey said kindly. “It will take a few more days to heal. Now that you are awake, I can give you some potions to speed up the process, but you should avoid stimulation until you are fully alright again,” she said, then rounded on Hestia and Emmeline accusingly. “What has upset her?”

Hestia shook her head, looking helpless. “When she woke up, she didn’t seem to remember anything, then she started to cry when she did remember, and asked whether the Slytherins who attacked her were being punished, and we told her that they weren’t being, and…” She trailed off at the furious look that Madam Pomfrey was giving her.

“Alright, out, both of you!” Madam Pomfrey said sharply. “She needs rest, not further cause to be upset. You and her other friends may come back tomorrow if she is better by then.”

Emmeline and Hestia both nodded, looking ashamed of themselves, and Emmeline gently disengaged Mary from her, laying her back on her pillows as she got up. “We’ll see you tomorrow, Mac, okay?” Hestia said, looking quite distraught as she looked at her friend, who looked even paler than usual, the circles under her eyes standing out purple against her alabaster skin and dark hair. She nodded, and they filed out.

Madam Pomfrey stood with her hands on her hips, watching them leave, then bustled out, returning within a minute with two goblets of potion in either hand. She handed the first to Mary. “Drink this, it will help with the pain and nausea,” she said, and Mary downed it in one gulp, grimacing slightly at the unpleasant taste. “This will help to heal your concussion more quickly,” Madam Pomfrey said, handing her the other goblet, which Mary drank as well, relieved that this one didn’t taste unpleasant, instead reminding her of honey and something flowery.

“They should both kick in within a minute or two,” Madam Pomfrey said, sitting down in Emmeline’s deserted chair and looking at Mary. She was right, Mary did feel a bit better, her headache lessening.

“Can I have some water?” She asked hoarsely, looking at Madam Pomfrey.

“Of course,” the matron said, fetching her a glass on her bedside and pointing her wand at it so that it filled with cool, clear water, which Mary gulped down gratefully. Once she finished it, she looked up at Madam Pomfrey.

“May I speak with Professor McGonagall or Professor Dumbledore?” She asked, her voice steady even as she still felt shaky. Madam Pomfrey looked at her sympathetically, but shook her head.

“Mary, I understand that this experience has been extremely upsetting for you—”

“You don’t know  _ anything _ ,” Mary interrupted her, not caring at the moment whether she sounded rude or not. “You can’t know, because you weren’t there and you don’t know what happened. That’s why I  _ have _ to speak with Professor McGonagall or the headmaster, because they can’t go walking around after what they did to me.”

“I understand that,” Madam Pomfrey said carefully. “But I’m afraid you are not well enough to talk to them right now. However, I will tell them to come visit you so that you may speak with them first thing in the morning when you wake up tomorrow. Is that alright?”

“I suppose it has to be,” Mary sighed, relaxing back on her pillows. Her head really did feel a lot better than it had a minute before.

“I am going to give you a potion for dreamless sleep,” Madam Pomfrey said, standing up again and opening the bedside cabinet, taking out a bottle, and pouring it for Mary. “It will help you rest and heal.”

“Okay,” Mary said, too tired to resist. She downed the potion and immediately felt her eyelids drooping. Madam Pomfrey rearranged her pillows once again so that she could lay comfortably, and the moment that Mary’s head hit them, she fell back into unconsciousness.

....

The next morning, Mary woke without a headache, feeling much better than she had the afternoon before. The slight dawn light that filtered through the drapes didn’t hurt her eyes like it had the day before, either, and she propped herself up in bed, looking around. On her bedside table was a glass of water and a tray of food, no doubt brought by house elves, which she eagerly wolfed down, realizing how hungry she was. She guessed it was natural: she hadn’t eaten since dinner on Monday, and it was Thursday morning.

When she finished her food, Mary stood and slid into the slippers next to her bed, tiptoeing to the bathroom next to Madam Pomfrey’s office. After using the loo, she looked at her face in the small mirror. She was shocked at her appearance: she was very pale, and the shadows under her eyes stood out so much that it almost looked like she had two black eyes. The scar on her cheek, which followed the line of her cheekbone, was thin and red against her skin. She must have been right that night, it was very deep, or Madam Pomfrey would have been able to heal it without any scarring at all. She hoped that whatever potion Madam Pomfrey was using on it would make it disappear completely; she didn’t want to have to remember the incident every time she looked in the mirror.

She shuffled back to her bed after closing the lavatory door behind her, and climbed back under the sheets. It must be very early, as Madam Pomfrey was not awake yet. She lay in her bed, looking up at the ceiling, thinking. Against her will, memories of attack flashed before her eyes: Avery’s sneering voice, the mocking laughter of the other boys, Mulciber’s greedy look, her head hitting the stone floor...She shut her eyes tight, trying to rid her mind of the images. One thing was impossible to remove from her mind, however, and that was the overwhelming terror.

It had never been real for Mary before, her position in the magical community, not quite like it had been in that moment. She remembered when Professor McGonagall had arrived at her door with her Hogwarts letter to inform Mary, her very pregnant mother, and her bemused stepfather that she was a witch and had been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She had never understood, before that moment, why she could do things like make pencils float and flowers bloom at will, but she had been so excited at the prospect of attending magic school. 

After the initial shock, both her mother and stepfather had encouraged her to go to Hogwarts, all of them excitedly shopping at Diagon Alley together for her school supplies, and then saying goodbye to her tearfully at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters at the start of her first year at Hogwarts. Mary never would have imagined that, upon arriving at the magical school, she would suddenly realize that she was, and would likely always be, a second-class citizen in the community she was now a part of.

As her hand traced over the scar on her cheekbone again, she thought bitterly that no one ever told her that she had signed up to die when she had decided to go to Hogwarts, all those years ago.  _ Were they really going to kill me? _ Mary asked herself once again, staring up at the ceiling, her fingers moving back and forth along the scar as she recalled Avery and Mulciber taunting her, telling her that they were going to make her throw herself down the Grand Staircase to her death. 

Right now, they were probably hoping that she had hit her head so hard that she wouldn’t be able to recall what had happened.  _ Well, joke’s on them, _ Mary thought bitterly.  _ I remember every goddam moment of it, and I’m going to use those memories to nail them to the wall. _

Just then, she heard a door open and the sound of the matron bustling over to her bed. A moment later, Madam Pomfrey appeared around the screens to check on her. Finding her awake, Madam Pomfrey went to check the scar on her cheek, dabbing a bit more potion onto it.

“How does your head feel?” The matron asked, peering into her eyes.

“Much better,” Mary replied earnestly. “I don’t have a headache at all this morning. Please Madam Pomfrey, can I see the headmaster now?”

“Very well,” Madam Pomfrey conceded. “I will go and call him. Be warned that your headache will probably come back over the course of the day, especially if you exert yourself. Tell me when it does, and I will give you more potion for the pain.”

“I will,” Mary said, glad that she was finally going to get to tell her story. Madam Pomfrey gave her another dose of the sweet-tasting potion she had given her the day before, then bustled off to get the Dumbledore. Mary leaned back on her pillows, closing her eyes as she waited, trying to think of nothing, even as disturbing images kept popping into her mind.

Madam Pomfrey came back ten minutes later, Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall following in her wake. They sat down beside Mary’s bedside, and she thought how strange they both looked, sitting on either side of her hospital bed, their long robes pooled at their feet. The expressions on their faces were serious, and after inquiring about her health, she told them the whole story of what had happened. 

Dumbledore listened silently, his fingertips together as he regarded her piercingly over the top of his half-moon spectacles. McGonagall, on the other hand, made small noises of outrage or distress at various points in the story, and interjected a question or two, looking at Mary with the same strange maternal air that Mary found so out-of-place for her strict Transfiguration professor.

When she finished, they was a moment’s silence while both Mary and Professor McGonagall looked at Dumbledore, who seemed to be thinking over everything she had said. Then he spoke. “I’m very sorry that you had to undergo this terrible ordeal, Miss Macdonald,” he said, gazing at her with his light blue eyes in a gentle fashion. “Your bravery is most admirable, even more so that you made it a priority to tell your story to us after the fact. Your story very clearly matches what Mr. Potter and Mr. Black both told me, as well, and I am going to do everything in my power to have all those at fault punished for their role in the attack on you.”

“Can you expel them?” Mary asked, her voice shaking slightly. “You know they were going to put an Unforgivable Curse on me, just like they did to Martin Simmons, and they said they were going to kill me. If James and Sirius didn’t turn up when they did, I could be dead.”

“The power is not always mine alone to do these things, Mary,” Professor Dumbledore said, gently. “As I believe Minerva explained to you when you had a conversation last week. Rest assured, they will be punished.”

Mary nodded, trying not to cry as she processed his words. The governors would no doubt argue that they had not actually used an Unforgivable Curse on her, and insist that they be allowed to stay at Hogwarts.

“I will personally make sure that none of those boys ever speaks to you again within these walls, Mary,” Professor McGonagall said, her voice hard but her gaze gentle as she looked at Mary, who was still working hard to suppress the tears building at the back of her eyes. Both adults stood to leave.

“I hope you make a speedy recovery,” Professor Dumbledore said, giving her a small smile as he turned to go. “And good luck on your O.W.L.s.” He gave her a slight wink, and turned, his robes swishing behind him as he left the Hospital Wing, Professor McGonagall in his wake.

Mary received a steady stream of visitors throughout the day. Alice Fortescue came by first, sitting with her for a few minutes before her lessons. She didn’t ask Mary what had happened—Mary supposed that the story had leaked through the school very fast—just asked her how she was feeling, and they talked for a few minutes about school, Alice telling her about Mary about her hopes of becoming Head Girl the following year.

Before she left, Alice looked at Mary with an uncharacteristically fierce expression on her face and said: “I know I can’t do much, but I will do everything in my power as a prefect to make their lives a living hell.”

Mary gave her a small, surprised smile. “Thank you, Alice,” she said. “I don’t want you to stick your neck out for me, though.”

“ _ I _ want to,” Alice insisted. “Those boys are evil. What they did was wrong, and if I can do even the smallest thing about it, I will.”

“Thank you,” Mary said. “And thank you for visiting me.”

Alice’s round face broke into a smile, a sharp departure from her fierce expression. “Of course, Mary. You’d do the same for me,” she said simply, and Mary smiled. Alice said goodbye and went off to class, and Miranda came in, bringing with her a bouquet of wildflowers from the grounds. The two girls spent a while talking, as Miranda didn’t have classes that morning. They skirted the topic of what happened, and Mary was glad of it. She liked just talking about normal things, like they were just normal teenage girls living in a normal world. Miranda always made her feel like her friends back home did, and she was grateful.

Miranda left around lunchtime, and Mary had barely ten minutes to herself before she got an unexpected pair of visitors: James Potter and Sirius Black. With them, they had brought a large selection of Honeydukes sweets which she couldn’t even imagine how they had gotten a hold of, given that it was weeks from their last Hogsmeade weekend. Even though they didn’t ask her for details, she told them what had happened before they had arrived. After she was finished, they gave each other a meaningful look.

“What?” Mary asked, confused.

“You didn’t see who cast the curse that cut your cheek, did you?” James asked carefully. Mary shook her head, looking from one to the other in puzzlement.

“No, but I know it wasn’t Avery, because he said ‘nice one’ to someone behind him after it happened. It could have been any of them.”

“We think it was Snape,” Sirius said, his voice almost a growl, his eyes narrowed in anger. “He invented a curse called Sectumsempra, which leaves cuts like that. It cuts deep, and the wounds bleed uncontrollably, and often scar, because they’re cursed wounds, not normal ones. He gave me one like that a couple of months ago when we were dueling,” Sirius said, rolling up his sleeve to show Mary a thin, pink scar on his forearm.

Mary paled, and James hurried to reassure her. “Yours might not scar, though. We never went to Pomfrey for Sirius’, because we couldn’t get caught dueling, so it didn’t heal as cleanly as yours.”

“It’s not that,” she said, shaking her head. “I just can’t believe Lily still sticks up for him. He’s rotten to the core, everyone can see that. Is she still going to deny it after this?” She began to cry again, and James pulled her into a hug even while Sirius looked rather helpless and frightened. She was surprised by their concern, and their protectiveness over her. Perhaps Marlene and Dorcas were not crazy, perhaps there was more to James and Sirius than the immature, boisterous, cocky personas which they showed to the world.

“She’ll realize eventually,” Sirius said, darkly, after Mary stopped crying and released James. The sobbing had made her head hurt slightly again, so Madam Pomfrey ushered the boys out.

“Wait!” Mary exclaimed as they stood to leave. They both looked back, puzzled, and she bit her lip, feeling a bit embarrassed. She had never spoken many words to either of them in the five years that they had attended wizarding school together, but now she felt like she would never look at them the same again.

“You two saved me,” she said, her hands knotted in her blanket. She gave them a small, half-smile. “Thank you. I could have died if you hadn’t been there, and you stopped it, so...I owe you both so much. Thank you.”

“You don’t owe us anything, Mary,” James said, smiling sadly at her. “Any decent person would have done what we did.”

“It’s lucky we were on our way to the kitchens at the right moment,” Sirius said, grinning at her. “Thank Remus’ craving for late night chocolate eclairs, not us.” Mary laughed slightly, and they left her to take another pain potion and sleep. When she awoke next, it was afternoon, and there were five concerned faces clustered around her bed.

“I’m surprised you convinced Madam Pomfrey to let you all in at once,” Mary said, smiling around at her roommates as she sat up in bed.

“Well, it took a bit of sweet-talking on all of our parts,” Hestia said with a smile. “She was especially reluctant to let me and Em back in, I’ll tell you, after yesterday.” Mary laughed a little at that.

“How are you feeling?” Dorcas asked, looking at Mary in concern.

“I’m okay,” Mary reassured her. “My head hurts on and off, but I feel much better than yesterday. I should be able to go back to classes after the weekend, Madam Pomfrey says.”

“That’s good,” Marlene said. “We can all do some of your homework for you, so you won’t have a mountain of it when you get back.”

Mary smiled. “I might take you up on that for History of Magic,” she said. “The rest of them I should do, though. I have to know the information for O.W.L.s.” There was a rather strained silence, and Mary knew what was on all of their minds.

“You can ask, you know,” she said, “I don’t mind.”

“What happened, Mary?” Emmeline said, her voice anxious as she stared at her. Mary gave her a small, sad smile, and recounted to them what had happened briefly. She didn’t have the energy to give the blow by blow account anymore, and they didn’t need to know. When she was done, they all stared at her sympathetically.

“You’re more of a Gryffindor than I could have ever been in that situation,” Hestia said, finally. “I can’t even imagine…”

“Hopefully you won’t have to,” Mary said, giving her friend a tired smile. “I can’t get it out of my head,” she admitted. “Whenever I close my eyes, I can hear them laughing.”

“It will get better,” Dorcas said, her voice full of assurance that Mary knew she didn’t really feel, but she was grateful for it nevertheless. Dorcas reached over to take Mary’s hand in hers, and Mary gave it a grateful squeeze. After a moment, she looked past the other girls towards the only person who hadn’t spoken yet. Lily was looking down at her hands, white and clasped in her lap.

“Did you see what he did to me?” Mary asked, gesturing to her cheek. Her voice wasn’t angry as she addressed Lily. She didn’t have energy for anger anymore. Instead, it was flat and expressionless, demanding that Lily acknowledge the pain that someone she loved had inflicted upon her. Lily looked up and finally met Mary’s eyes, and her green ones were full of sadness and fear.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, her eyes flicking from Mary’s brown eyes to the scar on her cheekbone. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Mary said. “Just remember this the next time you try to defend him.”

Madam Pomfrey let Mary out of the Hospital Wing on Sunday afternoon. She retreated to the Gryffindor girl’s dormitory to catch up on her schoolwork, Marlene bringing her food up from dinner instead of going down herself. Her scar receded so that it lay pale against her skin, almost invisible but not quite. Madam Pomfrey had given her the potion to keep applying to it, but she said it was unlikely that it would fade much more. 

She heard from Hestia that all of the Slytherin boys were getting detention for the rest of the school year, with two hundred points docked from Slytherin house. As she had expected, Dumbledore had not been able to convince the governors to expel them. Luckily, Mulciber and Avery would only be around another year, though the rest of them would be there to haunt her until she graduated herself. Whether it was because Professor McGonagall was keeping her promise or because the boys were smart enough not to try to go near her, she didn’t interact with any of them over the course of the next few weeks, during which she concentrated mainly on studying for the approaching O.W.L.s, trying to use the information she was learning to crowd out the dark thoughts and memories that kept racing through her brain.

Though Mary and Lily were still not on the best of terms as the year drew to a close, there was not as much anger between them as a strange feeling of separation, as if the two girls didn’t quite know how to relate to one another anymore. However, one day in the library, Mary overheard a conversation that made her feel slightly better about it all. She was looking for a book to review for her Transfiguration O.W.L. when she heard urgent whispers behind a nearby shelf, and froze. It was Lily’s voice.

“Can’t you tell I’m scared?” Lily was saying, her voice high. “Because I am  _ scared _ , Severus.”

“You don’t have a reason to be scared,” Snape replied, his voice flat. “You’re not in any danger.” A shiver ran down Mary’s spine at the sound of his voice, expressionless and distant, her hand going involuntarily to her cheek.

“And you know that, how exactly?” Lily snapped back. “Because you have some in with the people who are attacking Muggle-borns around the school?”

“Lily—”

“No, Severus!” Lily exclaimed. “The way you brushed me off the other day when I tried to talk to you about what happened to Mary...you called it all a joke! It’s like I don’t even know you are anymore.”

Mary was taken aback by Lily’s words, sharp with pain and disgust. She peered through the bookshelves to look at the pair. Lily was standing a few feet away from Snape, and the look on her face was both fearful and angry as she glared at her best friend. Mary didn’t think she’d ever seen Lily get angry at Snape before; she had barely said a bad word about him since arriving at Hogwarts.

“You don’t understand what it’s like to be me right now,” Lily continued, speaking more softly again and looking around surreptitiously for eavesdroppers. Mary ducked back down so that Lily would not see her staring from between the books. “I’m scared for my safety, being a Muggle-born, yet I’m trying to defend you to everyone I know, and defend myself for being friends with you, and I don’t even know if that’s the right thing to do. I don’t know who to trust.”

There was a pause. Mary strained her ears, not wanting to miss Snape’s response.

“You can trust me,” Snape replied reproachfully. “Please tell me you’re not doubting  _ me _ now.”

“I’m not convinced that it’s actually _you_ that’s on my side anymore,” Lily said quietly. “And not them.”

“Your Gryffindor friends,” Snape said, a sneer in his voice. “They just want to turn you against me.”

“ _ You’re  _ turning me against you,” Lily said, the bite back in her voice.

“Well, I’m not sure what to do about that, Lily,” Snape replied, his voice cold. “If you’re letting them cloud your judgement—”

“Maybe you could try, for once, to stand up for me the way that I’ve stood up for you since first year!” Lily snapped. “ _ That _ might be nice!” Mary heard a loud thump, presumably Lily forcefully jamming her book back into the bookshelf, then her footsteps. Mary scrambled away from the shelf quickly, not wanting to look like she had been listening in to their conversation. As Lily stormed out from between the shelves, she didn’t glance at Mary, her long dark red hair streaming out behind her.

After overhearing the conversation, the ice between Lily and Mary thawed slightly. She joined Remus and Lily in studying in the library again, something she hadn’t done for several weeks, and things became markedly less awkward in the dormitory. Still, Mary knew Lily sometimes looked at her with guilt in her eyes, and part of her still wanted Lily to feel guilty. Even if it wasn’t her fault at all, even if, as Mary now suspected, Severus was manipulating Lily to stay friends with him, part of her still resented the red-haired girl for defending him, even if it was tearing her apart.

Mary knew that the memory of what happened would be with her until the day she died, and while she still woke up in a cold sweat many nights, it also fueled her anger. The rest of the girls in her dormitory seemed to feel the same, all of them working hard in their study for their O.W.L.s, especially Defense Against the Dark Arts. They didn’t speak about the reason behind their collective fervor, but Mary was glad that, if nothing else, the event had galvanized them all into action. She had an ominous feeling that they would need that passion in the future.


	23. Turning Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A large part of this chapter is based off of Chapter 28 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Snape's Worst Memory), so if the dialogue feels familiar, that's why.

“Alright, Wormtail?” James asked, looking in slight amusement at his small friend, who was chewing his nails anxiously as his eyes scanned over his notes. Peter looked up, his eyes slightly frantic.

“What are kappas, again?” He asked, looking around at James, Sirius, and Remus, who were all standing around in the entrance hall. Sirius was leaning against the wall, looking bored, while Remus looked alert but calm, and James had his hands in his pockets and was grinning slightly.

“They’re Japanese water demons that strangle people that come into their ponds,” Remus answered, not missing a beat. “You can appease them by giving them cucumber with your name written on it.”

“Stop worrying, Wormy, you’ve got this,” James said, putting a comforting hand on his friend’s shoulder. “We’ve been studying all of this stuff for years.”

Peter didn’t answer, just looked back down at his notes and continued to read through them. James glanced over at Sirius, whose eyes were scanning the entrance hall carelessly, not paying attention to what they were talking about. He followed Sirius’ gaze to a group of Slytherins who were standing by the doors of the Great Hall, including Snape, Rosier, Macnair, Wilkes, and Travers. They were talking together in low voices, separate from the rest of the crowd of fifth years. James prodded Sirius’ shoulder lightly, making him turn his gaze back towards his friends.

“Don’t think about them, Pads,” he said, nodding towards the Slytherins. “Whatever they’re up to, you shouldn’t worry about it now. We have an exam to think about.”

“I’m not worrying about them,” Sirius said, though the steely look in his eye left James unconvinced. “But if they’re planning on attacking someone else like they did to Mary—”

“We can’t know what they’re planning,” James interrupted him, ending a disgusted look towards the Slytherins nonetheless. “Best not to think about it until it happens, or it’ll just drive you mad.”

Sirius made a noncommittal noise in his throat, disregarding James’ words as he went back to glaring at the Slytherins. Remus and James met eyes briefly, and Remus shrugged in a helpless sort of way. They both knew that Sirius’ temper had been out of control ever since Snape had taunted him about Regulus more than two months ago, and his moods always got worse as they approached the end of the term every year, soured by the prospect of going home for the summer.

James didn’t have time to dwell on his best friend’s state of mind any longer, however, because just then, Professor Flitwick began to call the 5th years into the Great Hall for their Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, house by house. As they entered the Great Hall, Flitwick ushered them into the small desks, giving pointed looks towards the four Marauders as they tried to sit together. James grinned, waving to his friends as he moved up several seats from Sirius and sat down, resisting the urge to flip over the exam paper in front of him.

Flitwick made his way up to the front of the Great Hall once all the 5th years were seated, and turned over the giant hourglass. “You may begin,” he said in his squeaky voice, and James looked back down towards his parchment, flipping it over and beginning to read the exam questions. He paused for a second, mussing his hair slightly with his hand as he thought, then leaned down to start writing.

After nearly an hour, James was broken out of his state of deep concentration on the exam by Professor Flitwick’s voice, announcing that there were only five more minutes left for them to complete the exam. Luckily, he was just about finished with his last answer, which he completed with a flourish, and he sat up slightly, lifting his parchment to read over his responses. His eyes scanned over them, his brow furrowed, and, satisfied, he placed the parchment down, yawning and stretching, his hand mussing his hair once more. Glancing up towards the front of the Great Hall to check whether Professor Flitwick was looking, he looked behind him towards where Sirius was sitting, wondering if his friend had finished also.

Sirius looked up at him, and James grinned as Sirius gave him a thumbs up from his seat four rows behind him, where he was tilting his chair back casually, looking bored once more. James twisted back towards the front and bent to his questions paper, beginning to doodle a snitch. He wasn’t much of an artist, nothing compared to Peter, who had illustrated most of the Marauder’s Map, or Sirius, who James had once caught sketching the group in their Animagi forms and had muttered something about learning to draw from a tutor when he was younger, and shoved the page out of sight. Still, he liked his handiwork, and it made him think about the Snitch in his pocket, which Marlene had handed to him surreptitiously after their last Quidditch match, and which he was dying to play with, as he’d been sitting still for far too long.

Next to the Snitch, James began to doodle the initials L.E.. He glanced up slightly to look to where Lily was sitting ahead of him to the left, her head still bent over her exam, reading it over. Her long red hair hung down in a veil, obscuring her face, and the mid-morning light from the high windows shone down upon it, making it look even redder than it usually did, set ablaze by the sun.

James was broken out of his reverie when Professor Flitwick called for everyone to put their quills down, and collected their exams with a wave of his wand, the scrolls flying at him with such force that they knocked him over. James laughed quietly, and several students got up to help him up, including Mary and Hestia, who were both sitting in the front row. As the students were dismissed, James scratched out Lily’s initials, knowing that Sirius would never let him hear the end of it if he saw them, then shoved his quill, ink, and exam question paper into his bag. He jumped to his feet, waited for Sirius, Remus, and Peter to catch up to him, and then they walked together towards the entrance hall.

“Did you like question ten, Moony?” Sirius asked, shooting a grin at Remus as they made their way out of the Great Hall into the entrance hall.

“Loved it,” said Remus, smiling back. “‘Give five signs that identify the werewolf.’ Excellent question.”

“D’you think you managed to get all the signs?” James asked jokingly, turning his attention away from where Lily was walking ahead of them with the rest of the girls in her dormitory.

“Think I did,” said Remus mock-seriously, as they made their way out of the entrance hall towards the doors of the Great Hall, following the rest of the 5th years as they all fled the castle in favor of the warm grounds. “One: He’s sitting on my chair. Two: He’s wearing my clothes. Three: His name’s Remus Lupin . . .” 

James and Sirius laughed, but Peter still looked anxious. “I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail,” he said worriedly. “but I couldn’t think what else —”

“How thick are you, Wormtail?” James asked, rolling his eyes slightly. “You run round with a werewolf once a month —”

“Keep your voice down,” Remus implored them, glancing around anxiously. James’ eyes flickered again towards the group of girls in front of them with Lily in their midst. They appeared too engaged in their own discussion to pay the boys any mind, as Hestia seemed to be regaling the rest with a rant about one of the exam questions which she had apparently taken issue with.

They followed the girls down to the lake, but as Lily and the rest went down to a rock by the water’s edge, taking off their shoes and socks to dangle their feet in the water, the Marauders veered off, walking along to bank to find somewhere to sit.

“Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,” Sirius said arrogantly. “I’ll be surprised if I don’t get an Outstanding on it at least.”

“Me too,” James said, smiling as he remembered the Snitch and retrieved it from his pocket, tossing it from hand to hand.

“Where’d you get that?” Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise as James produced the Snitch.

“Nicked it,” he said, grinning at Sirius, letting the Snitch fly away for a couple of seconds before grabbing it again. They finally stopped at a big beech tree along the bank, and flopped down in the shade beneath it. Remus sat against the trunk of the tree and opened his Transfiguration book, burying his nose in it. Sirius lounged carelessly, his eyes flicking around towards the other students laying on the lawn, his expression bored and brooding. James continued to play with the Snitch, letting it get further and further away before catching it at the last minute. He registered Peter’s slight applause as he made a particularly difficult catch, but mostly ignored him, alternating between staring over at where Lily sat by the water’s edge, talking to Dorcas, and glancing at Sirius worriedly.

“Put that away, will you?” Sirius asked, sounding slightly annoyed as Peter cheered at another of James’ catches. “Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement.” James grinned slightly and stuck the Snitch back into his pocket as Peter’s cheeks reddened.

“If it bothers you,” he said, shrugging and rumpling up his hair again.

“I’m bored,” Sirius whined slightly. “Wish it was full moon.”

“You might,” Remus said from his spot by the trunk of the tree, slight annoyance in his voice. “We’ve still got Transfiguration, if you’re bored you could test me,” he said, holding out the book. “Here.”

“I don’t need to look at that rubbish, I know it all,” Sirius snorted slightly. James couldn’t blame his friend for his arrogance, really; if they couldn’t get top marks in Transfiguration, after managing Animagi transformations at the age of fifteen, no one could. He glanced around the grounds, trying to find something to distract Sirius from his bad temper. His eyes landed on a mop of greasy black hair only a couple of yards away from them, and a wicked grin broke across his face. This was the chance he had been waiting for, when Snape was not around his other Slytherin friends: the chance to get back at him for what he had done to Mary, and for what he had tried to do to Remus, too.

“This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,” James said, softly, still staring at Snape as he rose to his feet, stuffing his D.A.D.A. exam paper into his bag. “Look who it is. . . .” 

Sirius turned his head to follow James’ gaze, and he became still, a grin spreading across his face, too. “Excellent,” he said quietly, “Snivellus.” Remus raised his head slightly to give them both a wary, warning look, which they both ignored, while Peter looked excited.

As Snape began to walk across the grass back towards the castle, James pushed himself to his feet, Sirius following him. “All right, Snivellus?” James called across the grass, smirking. In a second, Snape had dropped his bag and reached for his wand in his robes, drawing out his wand, but James was faster. “ _ Expelliarmus! _ ” He shouted, and the other boy’s wand went flying out of his hand, lying in the grass several yards behind him. Sirius laughed.

“ _ Impedimenta! _ ” Sirius said, which knocked Snape off his feet as he made a dive for his wand. The commotion had caught the attention of the other people sitting around the lake, most of them fifth years. Some of them moved closer, eager looks on their faces, while others held back, looking apprehensive. James glanced over to the Gryffindor girls by the lake, and saw that at least two of them were now glancing their way.

James and Sirius approached Snape where he lay on the ground, their wands extended. James felt a savage satisfaction as he looked down at Snape, remembering the scene he had walked in on almost a month before, Mary lying sprawled on the ground, a slash across her cheek covering half of her face with blood, as seven Slytherin boys advanced on her, laughing cruelly. If this wasn’t poetic justice, he didn’t know what was.

“How’d the exam go, Snivelly?” James asked, smirking.

“I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment,” Sirius said, smirking as well, his words cutting. “There’ll be great grease marks all over it, they won’t be able to read a word.”

A few of the people around them laughed, including Peter, from behind them. Snape kept trying to rise to his feet, but Sirius’ impedimenta jinx was still holding him back. “You—wait,” he said, glaring up at James in hatred. “You—wait…”

“Wait for what?” Sirius asked coldly. “What’re you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?” A couple more laughs from the people around them. Snape swore loudly, muttering hexes under his breath, which he was unable to cast against them without his wand.

“Wash out your mouth,” James said, glaring down at Snape. “ _ Scourgify! _ ” Soap bubbles instantly began to stream from Snape’s mouth, and he choked slightly.

“Leave him  _ alone _ !” A voice shouted from behind them. James and Sirius turned to see Lily approaching them from where she had been sitting at the lake’s edge. James’ hand went to his hair again, mussing it slightly. Looking past her briefly, he saw Marlene, Dorcas, Hestia, Mary, and Emmeline in the background, looking on silently. From this distance, he wasn’t sure if their faces showed disapproval or not.

“All right, Evans?” James asked, his voice going down a couple of octaves as he focused back on her angry face. Sirius snorted softly from beside him, but James ignored him, his eyes on Lily.

“Leave him alone,” Lily said again, glaring at James. “What’s he done to you?”

“Well,” James said, a slight grin on his face as he looked at her. “it’s more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…” Some of the people around them laughed again, including Sirius now, but this only made Lily look angrier.

“You think you’re funny, but you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone.”

“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” James said, raising his eyebrows at her, still smiling in what he hoped was a winning fashion. “Go on...Go out with me, and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.” From behind him, he heard Remus snort slightly, but James didn’t look at him.

“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!” Lily exclaimed, locking her green eyes with his and sending him a furious look.

“Bad luck, Prongs,” Sirius said, his voice sounding slightly amused, and he turned away from Lily back to Snape. “ _ Oy _ !” James heard Sirius exclaim, and then James, who had been distracted by Lily and had turned his back on Snape, felt a sharp stab of pain go through his cheek. He lifted his hand to it, and it came away bloody. James whirled around towards Snape, fury and pain rushing through him, and thought  _ ‘levicorpus _ .’ Snape was suddenly hanging upside down by one leg, his robes falling over his head to reveal his pants, making many watchers laugh uproariously, including James, Sirius, and Peter, though Remus stayed silent.

“Let him down!” Lily exclaimed, and James turned to her, half-incredulous that she was still defending Snape after he had just used a dark curse on him, but he rolled his eyes resignedly.

“Certainly,” he said, jerking his wand upwards and thinking ‘ _ liberacorpus, _ ’ so that Snape fell onto the ground, tangled in his robes. He quickly rose to his feet again, wand raised for another attack, but Sirius waved his wand, saying “ _ Petrificus Totalus _ ,” and Snape fell to the ground again, stiff and motionless.

“ _ Leave him alone _ !” Lily shouted, and pulled her own wand out from her robes, pointing it at James and Sirius in turn. James backed away slightly. He had had too much experience with being hexed by Lily to want a repeat experience.

“Ah, Evans, don’t make me hex you,” James said, looking at her warily.

“Take the curse off him, then!” She said, raising her eyebrows threateningly as she refused to lower her wand. James sighed, weighing his options, and then turned towards Snape and muttered the countercurse.

“There you go,” James said to Snape as he rose to his feet again, his wand still out, protecting himself from any future curses Snape would think to put on him now he was on his feet. “You’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—”

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!” Snape snarled at him. A hush fell over the crowd around them as the other students stared from Lily to Snape, shock and outrage showing on most faces. James’ eyes had gone wide, and he and Sirius were both glaring furiously at Snape. Lily’s face had gone blank.

“Fine,” she said, her voice suddenly cold and indifferent. “I won’t bother in future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”

“Apologize to Evans!” James yelled in fury, his wand up again and pointed at Snape.

“I don’t want  _ you _ to make him apologize,” Lily shouted, turning on James with renewed fury in her expression, which took him aback. “You’re as bad as he is!”

“What?” James exclaimed, his voice full of surprise and hurt. “I’d  _ never _ call you a—you-know what!”

“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you’ve just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can — I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me  _ sick _ ,” she exclaimed, turning and hurrying away towards the castle without a backward glance.

“Evans!” James called after her, a mixture of anger and worry running through him as he stared after her retreating figure. “Hey,  _ Evans _ !” She didn’t turn around, however, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw the rest of the Gryffindor girls stand up and hurry after her towards the castle.

“What is it with her?” James asked, his hand pulling at his hair absentmindedly again.

“Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate,” Sirius said, sounding slightly amused.

“Right,” James said, feeling angrier than ever, and turning back to look at Snape. “Right—” He flicked his wand, and Snape was in the air again. “Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?”

The crowd around them laughed again, but now Remus was by James’ side, his book abandoned by the beech tree. James turned his head and saw Remus’ face, which looked somber and it had a warning look on it. “Just leave it, James, come on,” he said. They locked eyes for a second, and James knew that Remus was serious. Remus rarely asked them to desist, so James decided he would do best to comply this time, despite the fact that he was itching to jinx Snape until he was covered in pustules for what he had just said to Lily. Instead, he sighed and flicked his wand and Snape fell to the ground again. Sirius, too, glanced at Remus, and, looking somewhat chastised, lowered his wand.

Snape untangled himself from his robes and rose to his feet, looking at the three boys, hatred in his gaze. “Get out of here,” Remus said to him, steadily, and Snape, after hesitating for a second, took his advice and hurried away back towards the castle. Remus walked back to the beech tree and picked his book up, Sirius and James following him like scolded dogs.

“Come on, we should take you to the hospital wing for Madam Pomfrey to look at that,” Remus said once he had grabbed his book, gesturing to James’ cheek, which was still bleeding. James nodded sheepishly, and the three boys followed Remus as he trekked back up to the oak front doors, not speaking.

....

Later that day, after their practical Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter headed back up to Gryffindor Tower, talking briefly with each other about how their exam had gone before falling into another unusual silence. As they entered the Gryffindor common room, they saw Lily, sitting with the rest of the Gryffindor girls, who appeared to be comforting her. Remus saw James chance a glance at her, which she ignored, but Mary Macdonald looked up from her seat beside Lily and stood up, approaching James.

“Is your cheek alright?” She asked, pointing to the place where the slash had been. James raised his hand to it absentmindedly, shrugging.

“Madam Pomfrey healed it pretty quickly,” he said, feeling the smooth skin there. “It wasn’t very deep, not nearly as deep as yours was. I suppose that he was weaker when he cast the spell or something.” Mary nodded, her face serious. The faint line leftover from the slash on her cheek was barely visible anymore except when her skin flushed, but it was still there, and probably always would be. James felt pang of guilt that she had been scarred and he hadn’t.

“Well, I’m glad you’re alright,” Mary said, turning back to her friends.

“Wait, is she—” James broke off, looking past Mary towards Lily. “Is she alright?”

Mary looked at him, looking a little sad. “Not really,” she said softly, so that Lily couldn’t hear their conversation. “Whatever else he was, he was also her best friend since they were children, and he called her that horrible word.” James nodded, looking extremely guilty.

“It’s all my fault, isn’t it?”

Mary shook her head, giving him a small, sympathetic smile. “It really isn’t, James,” she said. “I mean, you definitely could have acted better, but you didn’t make Snape call Lily that name. That was all him, and if you ask me, it was going to happen at one point or another. He’s rotten, and it was high time Lily stopped being friends with him. Anyway, I have trouble being angry with you over what you did today to Snape, even though it was immature and maybe even cruel. It was a bit satisfying to see him get some of his own medicine. But don’t tell anyone else I said that.”

James grinned at her, and she smiled back a little mischievously, then waved at him and turned back to join her friends. James rejoined the Marauders, and the boys headed up their dormitory stairs to their room. James immediately threw himself down on his bed, his hands fidgeting with his tie and he loosened it around his neck, staring up at the top of his four poster bed.

“Why does she  _ hate _ me so much?” James asked after a minute of silence. Sirius groaned slightly, shaking his head in exasperation, as he always did when James went on about Lily. Remus sent him a glare, out of sight of James, and answered.

“Well, she told you, Prongs,” Remus said diplomatically. “To use her words, you’re an ‘arrogant, bullying toerag.’” James sat up and looked at Remus, his eyes hurt.

“But  _ you  _ don’t think I’m like that, Moony, do you?”

Remus sighed. “Of course I don’t, not really,” he said, shaking his head tiredly. “But you certainly acted like it today, Prongs. And I understand why, to Lily, that’s all you are.”

“That’s encouraging. Maybe explain more, Moony?” Sirius snorted, sending an amused glance towards his friend. Remus scowled back at Sirius.

“This applies to you, too, you know,” he said, raising his eyebrows pointedly at Sirius, who held his gaze for a moment before looking away. James was used to unspoken things passing between his two friends, but this was a different kind than he was used to. Almost two months after the full moon incident, James knew that Sirius and Remus were still a long way away from going back to normal in their friendship, and it showed in how they spoke to one another.

“Generally, you are a kind and loyal friend,” Remus continued, directing his words back to James. “In fact, you’re probably the most loyal person I know, and I know you’d do almost anything for the people you love, like the rest of us, Marlene and Dorcas, and your parents.  _ I _ know you’re a good person, Prongs, and you believe in the right things, but Lily’s also right, you’re arrogant and impulsive and proud, and that’s who you show the world. You pull pranks that are sometimes at other people’s expense and hex people just for a laugh. Snape is a different issue because he hexes and curses you just about as much as you do him, and Lily’s blind to that because he is—well,  _ was _ —her friend. What you and Padfoot did to Snape today was below the belt, though, even for you.”

James looked a bit ashamed at Remus’ words, while Sirius’ face was still impassive, hiding whatever emotion he was feeling expertly. “But you saw what he did to me, too, Moony,” James defended, his voice slightly higher than usual, pleading with Remus. “I hexed him, yes, but he cursed me with that  _ Sectumsempra _ spell he made up, the same one he used on Mary! I didn’t draw blood, I wouldn’t do that!”

“You and Padfoot attacked him, two on one, and jinxed him when he didn’t even have a wand, James,” Remus retorted. “Of course he shouldn’t have used that spell, and of course I know that whenever you two get into a duel he uses dark magic, which you would never do in return, but it still doesn’t make you and Padfoot picking a fight with him, hexing him for no reason, and humiliating him in front of all our classmates okay, Prongs.”

James had the decency to look truly ashamed now, and he looked down, not meeting Remus’ eyes. It was Sirius who responded. “So what are we supposed to do to those blood purists then, Moony, if not hex them? You heard what Snivellus called Evans! Even his best friend—” he broke off, glancing at James, who had a dark look on his face. 

Remus sighed, looking at Sirius. For some reason, as much as he tried, Remus wasn’t as angry at Sirius as he knew he should be. For the last months, Sirius had been full of rage, even more than he usually was. He was angry at his parents, he was furious at Regulus, he hated the Slytherins, and he was full of self-hatred, as well. Controlling his temper was hardly Sirius’ strong suit, and Remus knew that Sirius felt little guilt in directing his rage towards someone like Snape, rather than inwards towards himself or the people he cared about.

“There’s nothing we can do, really, Padfoot,” he said, looking at Sirius with only the trace of a glare in his gaze. “Do you think hexing them will get them to be less bigoted?”

“It makes them shut up, sometimes,” Sirius muttered, looking mutinous. “And don’t they deserve it? In my book, cursing Muggleborns and calling people slurs merits some payback.”

“Yes, but hexing them in return doesn’t do anything but put you and Prongs into detention, Padfoot,” Remus explained frustratedly. “Things are changing, you know. In our earlier years at Hogwarts, it was only a few Slytherins who did this kind of stuff, but it’s been escalating. Doing what you and Prongs do, it’s dangerous now. You can still cuss them out and report them for doing all that without putting yourself in danger.”

“ _ Report _ them?” Sirius asked, his voice incredulous. He turned to James. “Prongs, Moony wants us to get  _ Prefects _ to fight our battles for us.”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” James said, glaring at his best friend. “Moony has a point. We took it too far today, and over the last few weeks. I guess I thought hexing some Slytherins would help with whatever you’ve been going through recently, but it seems like it’s only made you angrier. I know what Regulus said upset you, but—”

“This isn’t about that!” Sirius exclaimed, his voice louder.

“It’s exactly about that,” James said, looking at his friend steadily. “Your temper is always on the surface these days, and you’re lashing out at everyone, not just the Slytherins. This isn’t just about what happened with Moony—”

“We don’t have to bring that up now,” Remus said, flinching at James’ words and looking over at Sirius, who had an expression on his face appropriate to that of a kicked dog.

“Look,” James said, backtracking hastily. “My point is that I’m worried about you, Padfoot, and I don’t think what Moony is suggesting is completely out of the question. We’ve  _ both  _ taken things too far, and maybe we can do better.”

“ _ You _ just want Evans to go out with you!” Sirius said, his voice still sounding hurt even as he snapped at James.

“Yeah, I do want that,” James retorted, glaring at Sirius. “But I also want Moony to stop looking at me like I’ve disappointed him, and I want to stop worrying about what kind of trouble you’re going to get yourself into if you keep going down the path you’re going down right now.”

There was a moment of silence in the dormitory, then, as Sirius stared at James, the anger wiped off both faces as they locked eyes, communicating silently. “Padfoot?” James asked, pleading his best friend to see reason. Sirius glared between the both of them, his eyes finally fixing on Remus, addressing his next words to the werewolf.

“If they curse me, I’m not taking it lying down,” he said angrily, the trace of a growl in his voice.

“I’m not asking you to,” Remus said.

“What about pranking, if it doesn’t hurt anyone?” Sirius asked, his eyes still narrowed unhappily.

“Come on, Pads,” Remus said, grinning slightly now. “You know I like doing pranks almost as much as you two do.”

“Fine, then,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes resignedly. “I promise to turn over a new leaf. Next thing I know you’ll be signing me up for some anger management classes or bullshit like that, Moony.”

Remus laughed. “Maybe I’ll get you a self-help book, Pads.”

Sirius scowled in response, but didn’t retort. James grinned at Remus, and Remus returned his smile. Peter sniffed slightly in the background, still sitting on his bed, where he had been for the entire conversation, looking on. “What do you think about this, Wormy?” James asked, turning to the fourth Marauder.

“I dunno,” Peter said, frowning slightly. “What Moony said makes sense. I’ll miss seeing Snape get what he deserves, though.”

“At least Evans probably won’t speak to him again after this,” Sirius said satisfiedly. “That’s the one good thing that happened today: she should have stopped being friends with that slimeball years ago.”

“Poor Lily,” Peter said softly. “I couldn’t believe that he would call her that. Haven’t they been friends since before first year?”

“Yes,” Remus said sadly. “Padfoot’s right, though. It’s good that she finally understands the level of Snape’s bigotry, but she didn’t deserve for it to happen the way it did.”

“Do you think I should say something to her?” James asked, looking concerned. “Apologize, or—”

“I think that you should leave her alone, Prongs,” Remus said firmly. “We have our last exams tomorrow, she has enough on her mind right now without dealing with you, too. Anyway, I think that in general, trying to be less annoyingly flirty and in her face all the time might help your chances with making her hate you less.”

“Okay,” James said, rather disappointedly. Then he turned to Sirius. “Maybe instead of hexing people next year you can use all of your pent-up rage to be one of the new Gryffindor Beaters? You know Florence, Christopher, and Marcus are all graduating this year, so we need two more Beaters and another Chaser.”

“Just because you’ll probably be Captain after Florey doesn’t mean you can just appoint me. I still have to try out, you know,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

“I’ve watched you play for years, Padfoot, I know how good you are,” James assured him, smiling. “Anyway, we can train all summer once you come stay at my place.”

“Fine,” Sirius sighed, but he was smiling slightly now. “At least I’ll be able to pelt those Slytherin bastards with Bludgers even if I can’t hex them anymore.”

“That’s the spirit,” James said, laughing as he clapped Sirius on the back, shooting a grin at Remus.

“When are you going over to Prongs’, anyway, Padfoot?” Remus asked, concern coloring his voice.

“Mid-July,” Sirius said, meeting Remus’ eyes briefly. “I’m spending three weeks at my parents’ house before going.”

“Why can’t you just spend the whole of the holidays at the Potters?” Peter asked, looking worried as well.

“Because my parents would throw a fit if I tried,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “It’s progress, two weeks fewer at home than last year, anyways, so I’ll take what I can get.”

Remus bit his lip slightly, looking at Sirius worriedly. He hated the idea of Sirius being stuck up in Grimmauld Place. Sirius always got a cold, hard look on his face when he described his house which Remus didn’t like to see. Remus had never met either of Sirius’ parents, unless you counted the time that the Boggart their D.A.D.A. class had been practicing on in 3rd year had transformed into Walburga Black. Remus shuddered inwardly at the thought; he wished that Sirius would stop being stubborn and just let James’ parents adopt him or something, as James had been offering ever since 3rd year. He was still rather tight-lipped about his experiences at home, however, and they all assumed he just didn’t want to talk about it, so they mostly let him avoid the topic.

“Don’t look so anxious, Moony,” Sirius said, looking at Remus with a slight smile which didn’t reach his eyes. “I can handle myself around my family. Maybe I’ll transform in the night and get dog hair all over the furniture, my dear old mum would love that.”

Remus smiled slightly, but this did nothing to reassure him. Only three weeks, though, that wasn’t too bad, he thought. Not much could happen in that short amount of time, he told himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for changing the story description all the time :/ I'm really bad at summaries, and I keep trying to figure out how to get people to be interested enough to read it.


	24. The Great Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: violence, mentions of abuse

The first week of the summer was its usual torture, back at Grimmauld Place after so long. Sirius had stopped returning home during the winter holidays several years previously, which both seemed to please his parents and make them furious. It was not as if they truly wanted him around, as his presence disgusted them, but the fact that he rejected decorum and stayed at Hogwarts or at James’ house for the holidays instead of attending all of the stiff, unpleasant pureblood Christmas parties clearly made them look bad.

Sirius still shuddered to think of the memory of his last Christmas there, for many reasons, among them being the fact that it was the first time his mother had used the Cruciatus Curse on him, though by no means the last. Sirius almost took pride in the fact that he had gotten quite good at recovering from the curse at that point, taking less and less time to recover. This was due to the fact that he grew stronger as he was older, but the regularity of the occurrences definitely played a large part, as well, he thought.

Recklessly, Sirius had taken to provoking both his parents ever since he came home the summer after his second year. It had become like a game to him, seeing how far he could push them before they broke down in rage. No matter how much he provoked his father, however, he never used curses on him, like his mother. His old punishment, striking Sirius with his thick belt until he bled, had been a constant throughout his childhood and now, into his adolescence. His mother, Walburga, however, was far more unhinged than his father, and did not limit herself to striking him with her hands. 

Sirius knew that, if he was sensible, he would stop running his mouth in front of them, but he had, after all, inherited his temper from both of his parents. He wasn’t exactly sure where his sense of justice came from, but the two things combined made it incredibly hard to just shut up when his parents starting talking about all of their pureblood bullshit. He knew they were wretched, knew there was no way that they would change their minds due to his words, but this didn’t stop him from saying them, yelling them, or screaming them at his parents at any given moment. The more he did so, the angrier they became, and the more likely he was to be punished over it. The more pain Sirius endured, however, the angrier he got in response, and so he was prone to laughing in his parents’ faces as they caused him pain, which of course only made them angrier. It was an ever escalating cycle, one which Sirius knew would soon come to a head after all the years of contention.

Sirius only survived on the knowledge that he only had to endure his family for another two weeks, after which point he would leave to spend the rest of the summer with James and his family at their house in the west of England. He had been spending less and less time at Grimmauld Place each successive summer, choosing to move to James’ for the last weeks of the holidays. Fleamont and Euphemia, James’ parents, were two of the best people he had ever met, and welcomed him with open arms, treating him like a second son. He wasn’t sure how much James had told him about his relationship to his family, or his living conditions when he was home. He figured they knew all that he had told James, or what James had deduced based on the little that Sirius had said, as James didn’t know the worst of what happened to Sirius at Grimmauld Place. Sirius told himself that he could fight his own battles, and out of stubbornness, or perhaps fear, he stayed and endured this one on his own.

The last week had reminded him of the daily ins and outs of being a member of his family; everything that he had been away from for nine months was now back with a vengeance. He remembered how much he hated every inch of it: from the family house elf, Kreacher, muttering insults at him that he had no doubt heard over and over again from his mother in the time that he had been gone, to the formal small-talk at the breakfast and dinner table every day. Sometimes he disrupted the household by doing things he knew he wasn’t supposed to, sometimes he stayed silent and did what he was told. Constantly rebelling exhausted him sometimes, as did the punishments for doing so.

That night, however, was his first extended family dinner of the summer, and the whole Black family would be there. This included his three Uncles, two Aunts, and two remaining cousins, Bellatrix and Narcissa. Bellatrix and Narcissa were both married by this time, but neither of their husbands would be attending the dinner tonight, thankfully. Sirius hated Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange, they were both detestable human beings, in his opinion, and he knew that Malfoy had been a bully and Muggleborn-hater when he was in school. It wasn’t as if Sirius hated either of his cousins any less than their spouses, but at least he wouldn’t have to deal with more people at the dinner looking down upon him. 

The only person he thought he might count upon to be even slightly on his side at the dinner was his Uncle Alphard, who had always seemed to like him more than any of his other family members. He was an odd wizard: he’d never married, didn’t see much of the rest of the family, and Sirius knew he was some sort of professor, but didn’t know anything specifically about what he studied. Sirius’ mother, Walburga, had always prohibited Sirius and Regulus from speaking to Alphard alone, like she thought they would catch something dangerous if they were near him long enough. From all of this, Sirius surmised that his uncle was not quite like the rest of the family, and didn’t conform to all of their traditions, yet hadn’t rebelled so overtly to have been disowned. He itched to discover whatever secret lay behind all of these confusing elements of his uncle’s role in the family, but resigned himself to the fact that he would probably never know.

Sirius readied himself for the dinner reluctantly, pulling out his old, formal dress robes from his wardrobe and putting them on, flattening his hair, and steeling himself for the emotional torment that was sure to be his entire evening. He wished, not for the first time in the last three and a half years, that Andromeda could be there with him, enduring these dinners. Then he reminded himself that he shouldn’t wish his fate upon her; she had been lucky enough to escape it, and he wished her well, but this didn’t stop him from missing her.

He heard the twisted serpent door knocker sound from downstairs, echoing hollowly into the silence that was the great house, and sighed. He had better go downstairs to greet the guests, but he wished he could linger in his bedroom, which was the only safe place in the house he had. Looking around, he smiled slightly to himself, taking in the decorations. He had fought on numerous occasions about every single one of the things on his walls with both of his parents, but the permanent sticking charm he had placed on them the previous summer had prevented them from removing them while he was gone. Luckily for him, living in an all-magic household, the Ministry had no way of detecting his use of underage magic, and his parents didn’t care enough to enforce the regulation upon him themselves.

Sirius finally dragged his feet towards the door and down the staircase, dread weighing him down as he went to meet his family downstairs. In the entrance hall, his mother, father, and brother stood talking with his Uncle Alphard, who was dressed splendidly in a fashion which Sirius thought quite resembled some of Dumbledore’s slightly less eccentric robes. Alphard turned to beam at Sirius as he walked down the stairs, ignoring the glare Walburga shot at him for his tardiness. His Uncle was not a very tall man, only a few inches taller than Sirius himself, with shoulder-length black hair which was streaked with silver. His grey eyes were not cold, like his older sister’s, but twinkling and friendly, soft wrinkles lining them when he smiled. “Ah, Sirius, wonderful,” Alphard said, clasping Sirius hands in one of his own as Sirius reached his uncle’s level. “Already finished your 5th year at Hogwarts, I hear? What an achievement, you must be relieved to be done with your O.W.L.’s.”

“Thank you, it’s very nice to see you too,” Sirius said, a little awkwardly. He always enjoyed the fact that his Uncle was the only member of the family who seemed truly happy to see him, yet he was rather odd, and Sirius, never having had a real conversation with his uncle, never knew quite how to act around him. “O.W.L. year was tough, I’m very happy to be done with it.”

“We haven’t yet gotten his results yet, however, Alphard, so don’t praise him prematurely,” Walburga said, shooting Sirius a disapproving glance, to which he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. How could he possibly avoid responding directly to his uncle without being impolite? If she had truly not wanted him to ever interact with his uncle, perhaps she shouldn’t have invited him to dinner. This thought made him smirk, slightly, as he knew that his mother, as much as she hated it, could not neglect to send an invite to her brother for family dinners like this, for two reasons. One was that it would simply be against pureblood customs, which she could not break. The other—probably more important—motivation in Walburga’s mind was that she needed to play nice with her brother, who, while he was younger than her, was the elder of her two brothers, and had therefore inherited a large portion of the family gold when their parents died. She, in turn, wanted to know that she would be in his will when he died if she outlasted him.

“Nonsense, I’m sure you did splendidly,” Alphard said, ignoring Walburga and smiling at Sirius genially. Sirius smiled back, bolstered by his uncle’s praise. Walburga looked like she had been slapped, which only broadened Sirius’ smile. Just then, the doorknocker sounded again, and Sirius heard Kreacher answering the door. This time, his father’s sister, Lucretia, and her husband, Ignatius Prewett, entered the entrance hall to join them. Sirius didn’t know much of either of them. They were childless, and travelled often, meaning that they were rarely in attendance at family dinners. They all made polite small talk until another knock sounded, and Cygnus and Druella Black, with Bellatrix and Narcissa, completed their party. They all then retired to the dining room, where they began to eat the hors-d'oeuvre that Kreacher provided and make more small talk.

As Sirius chewed and tried to ignore the people around him, he reflected on how much living in a strict pureblood household for sixteen years could make one truly hate small talk. Not just any small talk, however, but the particular flavor which always seemed to be used in Black family conversations. The kind with an constant tone of superiority, often containing racist and classist overtones, and which above all else avoided any topic which couldn’t easily be explained away with the usual pureblood understanding of the world. Merlin, Sirius had  _ not  _ missed this.

The conversation took them quickly into dinnertime, and Kreacher served them plates of chicken with greens and potatoes. Neither Regulus nor Sirius, though sixteen, were offered wine, and Sirius was glad of it. He liked to keep his head clear around this lot; it felt dangerous not to. He ate in silence, only tuning back into the conversation when Alphard interjected some mild comment into the usual revolting elitist rhetoric. He was quite fascinated by the way that Alphard managed to express his sometimes controversial opinions in a gentle, unthreatening way. Even more entertaining was the way that none of the other adults could retort nastily, as they had polite decorum to uphold. Sirius guessed this was the way that Alphard had managed to keep his place in the family unchallenged; he did not push his opinions with a hot temper like the rest, and kept his controversy mild enough so that it could not be challenged in any meaningful way. Sirius knew he himself could never do this; he had too much anger in him, and could never pass his opinions off as mild. Still, it fascinated him.

Sirius had not been required to speak up until the middle of pudding, when his Uncle Cygnus addressed him. “So, you’ve finished your Ordinary Wizarding Levels, have you, Sirius?” He said, coldly, down the table to his nephew. Sirius could not help but think about Alphard’s earlier comment on the same topic, which had been exponentially warmer than Cygnus’ address.

“Yes, I have,” Sirius said, shortly. He knew he sounded rude, but couldn’t bring himself to care. Cygnus nodded curtly.

“And do you believe you performed satisfactorily?”

“I think I did rather well, yes,” Sirius said, wryly. It was sometimes amusing to him that the Black family never cared an ounce what an excellent student Sirius was, his achievements thoroughly eclipsed by the fact that he was a Gryffindor.

“Good,” Cygnus said, his eyes still cold. “Perhaps you will be able to bring honor to our family yet, despite your house allegiance.”

“I doubt it,” snorted Bellatrix, speaking for the first time, too. “Not if he continues to keep the company he is currently keeping.”

“I’m not sure it’s any of your business who I choose to interact with, Bella,” Sirius said, glaring at her. His muscles were suddenly tensed, ready for a fight. Surprisingly, whatever this fight was going to be, it was not Sirius who had initiated it, but he would definitely be finishing it if they continued to talk to him like this.

“Who you associate with is any person in this family’s business, Sirius,” Sirius’ father said, his eyes piercing his eldest son from the head of the table. “Your actions reflect on all of us.”

“I only hope the reverse cannot be said for me,” Sirius said, a wicked smirk crossing his face as a feeling of recklessness stole through him.

“You watch your mouth, Sirius Orion Black!” Walburga exclaimed, narrowing her eyes dangerously at her son. Sirius met her gaze, glaring right back at her without fear.

“Exactly what company do you keep, Sirius?” Ignatius Prewett asked him, his voice not quite as full of malice as the rest, but not truly benign, either.

“Well, uncle,” Sirius said, a slight note of sarcasm stealing into his voice as he chose his words carefully, “I spend most of my time with the smartest and most brilliant wizards and witches in my year. I would say they have quite a good influence on me, and we are all the top of our class at Hogwarts, of course.”

“Mudbloods and blood traitors,” Bellatrix spat, sending a venomous glance towards Sirius as she addressed Ignatius Prewett. “That is who he associates with.”

“Now, Bellatrix—” Alphard tried to break in, casting a scolding glance on his niece, but he was interrupted by Walburga.

“When will you grow out of these distasteful alliances? You know we will not allow them to go on forever.”

Sirius let out a slight bark of laughter, staring at his mother. “It’s amusing to me that you think you can force me to do anything, mother, let alone leave my friends behind. Haven’t you learned how little control you have over me, by now?”

“Sirius!” Orion said, his voice dangerous. “Show some respect to your mother.”

“I will when she does something deserving of my respect,” Sirius said, a wicked smile still playing across his face as he met his father’s eyes challengingly, ignoring Regulus’ scared expression next to him.

“I can’t believe I ever produced such an ungrateful son like you,” Walburga said, her face flushed from anger and from the wine she had been drinking. “You are the greatest shame of this family.”

“I didn’t realize that I had managed to graduate to our family’s greatest disappointment. I’m surprised how quickly I managed to surpass Andromeda, and I’m not even pregnant with a Muggleborn wizard’s child,” Sirius said, pulling a mockingly proud face. At the mention of Andromeda’s name, Cygnus shattered the glass in his hand and Druella let out a small squeak of horror. Bellatrix looked enraged, but Narcissa’s face remained impassive, despite a slight flinch that went through her at the mention of her sister.

“How dare you mention that name to our family!” Cygnus boomed, looking furious as he dropped the shards of the glass still clutched in his hand. “I suppose you still correspond with that blood traitor, you two are so much alike after all.”

“Oh, yes,” Sirius said, grinning wider and more maddeningly, “I have several photos of your granddaughter, too, if you would like to see them. I would say she has your eyes, but luckily she doesn’t seem to have much of a resemblance to anyone in this family.”

Cygnus growled in anger, glaring at Sirius as if he wished he could step around the table and throttle him with his bare hands. Sirius knew that whatever self-restraint Cygnus had was not shared by his daughter Bellatrix, who he knew would soon be going for his blood, given how touchy she was about her sister. He decided to provoke her further. Turning his eyes on Bellatrix, he said, “I guess it’s quite the bit of luck that you didn’t manage to blow her to pieces that night years ago, Bella, or else Nymphadora wouldn’t exist. Though, I guess you may not see it that way.” He smirked at her, reminding her without saying it of the part he had played in protecting Andromeda from her wrath that night. Sure enough, Bellatrix rose to the bait, pushing back her chair and leaping to her feet. Sirius stood as well, anger and adrenalin rushing through his body as he met his cousin as she strode over to him, furious. Unlike the night of Andromeda’s departure, they were now almost the same height, Bellatrix no longer towering over Sirius considerably. They were practically nose to nose instead, their anger matching the other’s as they stared each other down.

“Perhaps you won’t be as lucky as she was,” Bellatrix fumed. “Do you think there’s anyone here who will protect you, in the pathetic way that you shielded her hideous hide? I would bet not, cousin.”

Sirius knew she was right. Despite the affection Alphard seemed to have for him, his uncle would not intervene, and Regulus...he didn’t think Regulus would either. He knew his brother loved him, but he had always been too terrified to stand up to any member of their family, and seemed to be buying into the pureblood superiority ideals more than ever these days, given what Snape had told him.

“Maybe I don’t need protection from you, Bella,” Sirius taunted her, all the while knowing that he was going down a dangerous road, one which he could not go back from now. “I think I can take whatever you throw at me. Just because you’re mad as a hatter doesn’t mean that you scare me.”

He had barely finished his words when he was hit with Bellatrix’s Cruciatus Curse. Pain coursed through his veins, through his entire body, consuming it in fire. He managed to not cry out, and though it sent him to his knees, he did not keel over with the force of it. Once he was released from the curse, he did not release his tensed muscles, not allowing himself to collapse from the pain, or the exhaustion that begged him to give in to it. After a moment, he raised his eyes to meet hers again, the fire of anger still burning in his own. “Is that all you’ve got?” He said, challengingly, smirking at her. He knew his lack of reaction would only anger her more, but he couldn’t help it; he couldn’t let her win. She raised her wand again, but a voice stopped her.

“Bellatrix, enough,” Orion Black said, giving her a quelling look. She breathed heavily, staring from her uncle to Sirius, then relented. She lowered her wand, and walked over to the other side of the room, clearly trying to regain control over herself. Sirius pushed himself to his feet.

“Thank you for your concern over my wellbeing, father,” he said, sarcastically.

“Be quiet, Sirius,” Orion Black said, staring at his son disgustedly. “Can’t you ever learn to just hold your tongue? You continually disgrace this family with every word you speak.”

“Sirius, are you alright?” Alphard said in a much softer voice, looking in concern at his nephew. Sirius knew he was flushed and sweaty, but was quite proud of the fact that he showed no other sign of being affected by the curse his cousin had sent his way.

“Perfectly fine,” he said, throwing a loathful glance towards Bellatrix, who was standing in the corner. Walburga rose to her feet, then, glaring across the table at her eldest son. 

“Go to your room, Sirius,” she said, her words deadly calm, her eyes narrowed in anger at him. “Get out of our sight; I cannot bear to witness your disgracefulness any longer.”

Her voice held a cold finality in it. Sirius wondered at how she could be so quiet and cold in public and so loud with her rage in private. It was a talent he never wished to learn.

“Fine,” Sirius spat at his mother. “As if I want to hang around you lot for any longer than I have to, anyway.” He glanced around at them for a moment, all staring up at him.

He took in Regulus, unmoving in his chair like a dummy, Alphard, a look of fear and concern on his face, Walburga, righteous anger expressed in her whole body, Bellatrix, a sneer of satisfaction on her twisted face, Orion, expressionless in his chair. Snorting in disgust, Sirius turned and stormed out of the room, thundering up the stairs to his room and leaving them all behind in his wake.

When Sirius reached his room, he slammed the door so hard he thought, for a split second, that it would break off its hinges. “Fuck!” He yelled, aiming a sharp kick at one of the ornate legs of his bed. The pain in his foot only added to the residual aches from the curse, and he slumped down on the bed, his head in his hands, the pain too much for his muscles to hold him up in that moment.

“How will I survive more of this?” He said out loud, after a moment. Raising his head with some effort, he gazed around at his room. In his pain, the posters staring back at him, all designed specifically to piss off his parents, felt foreign. It always happened this way: once the satisfaction of his parents’ shock and anger wore off, it was replaced swiftly with the dull ache of self-loathing.

The only thing on the wall that felt genuine was the photo of him and the rest of the Marauders. He leaned across his bed to look at it, his fingers tracing the edges. His friends grinned back at him, their arms around his shoulders, and he felt a pang in his stomach. He could imagine their precise reactions to him, at this moment. Peter’s frantic worry on his face, the suggestions of solutions as he tripped over himself to fix the problem. James’ anger and hands on Sirius’ shoulders, begging him to take care of himself, to protect himself, to not rise to the bait… But it would be Remus’ steady, blue gaze that pierced Sirius the most. Even then, far away from the other boy, he felt it on him.

He could imagine the other boy’s expression, a crease between his eyebrows, long eyelashes framing his blue eyes, which were unreadable. His mouth turned down slightly, he looked at Sirius without a trace of a smile on his young face, which sometimes looked old. Sirius knew that if Remus was there, he would look at him exactly like this. He wouldn’t say anything as the other two fretted around, just fix him with this stare, concerned and waiting. Waiting for Sirius to do something.

Sirius stood up abruptly and began to pace. “I can’t do this anymore,” he said aloud, testing the words on his mouth. He felt slightly scared of them, and again he imagined Remus in front of him, looking at him. “I can’t do it,” he told the imaginary Remus, and without nodding, without saying anything, he knew that Remus heard him, he knew that he understood.

_ Get out, _ Walburga Black’s voice echoed in Sirius’ head, her voice filled with rage.  _ Get out of my sight. _

He could hear voices below, suggesting that they had made their way out of the dining room into the hall. The guests must be leaving. Soon, his mother would come upstairs to punish him. Or would she?

Sirius stopped pacing, thinking hard, ignoring the dizziness, the feeling of feverish heat in his whole body, still aching from the curse.  _ Get out _ , his mother’s voice echoed in his ears again.

He stood there for a whole minute, pondering the situation, then, as if moved into action by an alarm, he hurried over to his bed and dragged out his Hogwarts trunk. Grabbing everything in reach, he began to cram it in. He barely looked at the things he tossed in, not caring. He vaguely registered packing clothes, books, and miscellaneous objects around his room. Realizing he was still dressed in constricting dress robes, Sirius pulled them off, dressing instead in jeans and a band t-shirt, pulling his leather jacket over it.

He had sent Caspian, his barn owl, out to deliver a letter to James that morning, so he did not have to worry about him. He would take his empty cage, and hope the owl would know where to find him, wherever he ended up.

As he threw object after object into his trunk, he felt vaguely surprised that he hadn’t left before. His mother had threatened to send him out onto the street the moment he had been sorted into Gryffindor, but for some reason she never had, and he had always put up with it all. But now, he was leaving, and if he was right, his parents would not try to stop him. He wasn’t sure why it had taken him so long. He had had cause to leave for years, and little cause to stay. He had stayed for Regulus, of course, for a long time, but it wasn’t enough any longer.

He managed to fit most of his clothes and the few other belongings which actually meant something to him. He regretted that he couldn’t take the picture of him and the rest of the Marauders with him, due to his permanent sticking charm on them. He realized darkly that because of the sticking charm, his parents would never be able to use his room for another purpose. Instead, they would shut it off, keep the door closed, trying to ignore the reminder of the blood traitor he had been, the evidence of which was immortalized forever in this space. He sighed and swung his trunk shut and locked it. Then, in a sudden brainwave, he cast a featherlight charm on it. Sirius didn’t even quite know where he was going yet, but he knew it would be easier to transport this way.

He looked around his room, things he hadn’t bothered to pack strewn across the ground. He wondered if this was the last time he ever saw this place, which he had spent his whole childhood in. He would likely never come back here. The thought didn’t make him sad, but it did shock him slightly. Just then, he heard a noise at the door. Sirius looked up to see Regulus staring at him from the open doorway. He wasn’t sure how long he had been there, watching him, but, given his brother’s expression, it had probably been a while. Regulus, upon meeting Sirius’ eyes, entered the room and shut the door quickly.

“Were you even going to say goodbye?” Regulus asked, a sharp note to his voice that reminded Sirius slightly of their mother. Sirius let out a humorless laugh.

“I didn’t know you wanted a goodbye from me, anymore.”

“You know, if you just kept your mouth shut, it wouldn’t be like that,” Regulus said coldly. “You’re the one that makes it hard for yourself around here, running your mouth ever since you first came back from Hogwarts.”

“I kept my mouth shut for eleven years, Reg. I couldn’t do it anymore,” Sirius said, glaring at him.

“You could if you really tried, if you actually cared about any of us.” Regulus said, reproach and anger seeming to battle in his voice. Sirius sighed, his temper rising again, too.

“You’re right, Regulus,” he said sarcastically, “I don’t care about anyone or anything but myself, just like mum says.”

“Well, that’s what it’s seemed like ever since you came back from Hogwarts with all your new friends. You seem to have forgotten who your  _ real _ family is!” Regulus’ voice had risen to a shout.

Sirius snorted, his patience thoroughly used up by then. “My  _ real _ family? You mean the people who torture me every time I come home? You think they love me, you think they ever did? As long as I can remember, it’s been nothing but neglect and blows from our  _ darling _ mother and father.” His voice matched Regulus’ easily, already primed with anger from the shouting match downstairs. “They couldn’t care care less about what I do until it starts embarrassing them! Why should I call them my family?”

Regulus paused for a moment, staring at his older brother. The anger seemed to have seeped out of him, leaving him looking sad and tired. “And me? Am I no longer your family, too?” He sounded very young as he said this, and Sirius flashed an image of eleven-year old Regulus helping his thirteen-year old self up the stairs after being hit with his first Cruciatus Curse. As Sirius looked at him, anger draining out of him as well, he couldn’t help but see the little boy he had protected for so long when they were children.

“You’ll never stop being my brother, Regulus. But I’m not sure I know who you are anymore,” Sirius said tiredly. “For someone who tells me to keep my mouth shut, you seem to have a lot to say about me at Hogwarts.”

Red patches appeared high on Regulus’ cheekbones, and he looked down at his hands in apparent shame. “I had to say something,” he muttered. “You don’t know what it’s like in Slytherin. They used to torment me about having you as a brother.”

“So you told them that you hated me?” Sirius asked, disgust in his voice. “And maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be in Slytherin, to be the good child with the expectations, but you have no fucking clue what it’s like to be me, either.”

The two brothers stood in silence, staring at each other as if each had never truly seen the other before. After thirty whole seconds of silence, he said: “You’re right, I have no idea what it’s like to be you. I don’t even know if I know who  _ you  _ are anymore, either. You’ve changed so much in the last five years. The first time you came back from school, it was like you became a completely different person, or maybe you always were that person and you’d just lied about it our whole lives. I’m not sure you’ve really been my brother since.”

Sirius hesitated, then strode forward and wrapped his arms around his younger brother, pulling him into a hug which would probably be their last. His heart ached, remembering all the years when each was the only friend the other had. He knew he was leaving his brother all alone, and a part of him hated himself for it, just as he knew Regulus hated him for it, too. He also knew he couldn’t stay for Regulus’ sake, not anymore.

“I never stopped caring about you, Regulus,” he murmured into his brother’s hair, “but I couldn’t protect you anymore, not in the same way I did when we were kids. I’ve been taking blows for you my whole life, and I’m not sure it did either of us much good. Maybe if I hadn’t protected you in the way that I did, you’d understand why I’m doing this now. I just cared about you too much not to.”

His brother stepped back from him to look up at him, slightly pleadingly. “But you don’t care about me enough to stay, now.”

“I can’t,” Sirius said, almost crying then, “I can’t stay for you anymore. This place is going to kill me, Regulus. I can’t be in this house, around our family, any longer than I have already.”

Regulus’ face hardened, and he suddenly looked his age again, no longer reminding Sirius of his five year old self, and more resembling their mother. “Leave, then.”

“You could come with me…” Sirius said, trailing off, knowing it was futile.

Regulus shook his head. “You know I’ll never do that.” Sirius sighed, and picked up his trunk in one hand, Caspian’s empty cage and his broom in the other. As he strode past his brother to the door, he placed his hand briefly on Regulus’ shoulder.

“You’ll always be my brother, Regulus. If you need anything, you can always owl me.”

But Regulus didn’t make any move or acknowledge Sirius’ statement, so Sirius removed his hand and opened the door, pausing only for a moment to look back at his brother, standing as still as a statue with his back to Sirius, in the empty shell of Sirius’ childhood room. A lump surfaced in Sirius’ throat as he thought about the fact that this might be the last time he was this close to his brother, but he pushed it down and left the doorway, carrying his weightless trunk down four floors to the foyer, which was empty and quiet.

He half expected his mother to pop out of the shadows and attack him, but as he walked through the dark hallway to the front door, nothing stirred in the shadows. He was right, then. She wanted him to leave.

When he reached the front door, he threw it open, taking a deep breath of fresh air as he stepped out onto the doorstep. Fleetingly, he remembered the day, seven years ago, when he first ventured out of the house to explore London. The wonderful yet terrifying feeling inspired by his newfound freedom that day struck Sirius as both very far away and terribly immediate as he left the house for the last time. The door swung shut behind him of its own accord once his trunk and broomstick had cleared the doorway. He wondered vaguely if the house would lock itself against him from now on—not that he cared. He never wanted to return.

He strode down the steps and towards the street. After walking two blocks, he finally placed his things down on the ground and sat heavily down upon his trunk. He now had to decide where he was planning on going, and quickly, before any Muggles passed and gave him odd looks for carrying a trunk, bird cage, and broomstick. His options were very limited. He could try a member of his family who was sympathetic to him, like Andy or his Uncle Alphard. Both would likely take him in, but he wasn’t sure if that was truly what he wanted. Despite their blood connection, he didn’t know either that well. His uncle was old, and Andy had a two year old child she had to care for; he didn’t want to be an unnecessary burden on her and Ted. That left only one feasible option.

He stood, grabbing his things again and walked to the curb, sticking out his wand arm into the street. With a loud crack, a triple decker, deep purple bus appeared out of this air in front of him. Without hesitation, he climbed up the steps of the Knight Bus. The conductor, a woman in her early twenties, said “Eleven sickles,” in a bored voice, her eyes barely glancing over at him. He rummaged in his pockets and handed over the money to her. “Where to?” She asked him.

“1 Blacksmith Hill, Ozleworth, Wotton-under-Edge.”

“In England?”

“Yeah, it’s north of Bristol.” Sirius said. She nodded, still not bothering to look at him, so he went and sat down on a bed, placing his trunk in the luggage rack and grasping a pole firmly, not wanting to be shaken out of place. He had only taken the Knight Bus once before, with James, Remus, and Peter, and he had spent most of that trip on the floor, and wasn’t in the mood for that tonight. The bus was relatively empty that night, so he didn’t doubt that he would be at his destination soon. He watched as the bus moved quickly between the city streets of London to a lamp lit suburb, to a lonely country lane where it nearly ran over a deer, back to another cobbled street in another city.

After a quarter of an hour or so, the Knight Bus materialized on a dark hill which Sirius recognized well, and skidded to a stop next to his second favorite place on earth. He grabbed his things and exited the bus, nodding his thanks to the conductor and driver. In a second, the bus behind him had disappeared again, and he was left standing gazing at the house in front of him.

Taking a deep breath, Sirius began to walk towards the gate, grateful for the fact that it was only eight o’clock, the lights were still on, and he could hear the soft melodic sound of friendly conversation inside. He was glad he wasn’t forced to wake anyone who lived there; he felt bad enough about the immense favor he was about to ask of them. He opened the gate with a creak and shut it behind him, walking up the stone path nestled in the front garden, and stopped on the doorstep. Pausing for a moment, he steeled himself before knocking three times on the door with the large, lion-shaped knocker.

The sounds of conversation stopped, then after a moment, footsteps inside approached the door. It swung open to reveal the face of his best friend, James Potter, standing in the doorway with his hair sticking in every direction and a puzzled look on his face as he took in the sight of Sirius, standing with his trunk, cage, and broom in hand. Sirius looked up at his best friend, a half-smile on his face, and shrugged slightly.

“Any chance I could crash here? I don’t really…” His voice broke, slightly, emotion showing through the veneer. “I don’t really have anywhere else to go.”

James didn’t speak, just stepped over the threshold and wrapped Sirius in a large hug, holding him tightly, in a way which spoke more than words ever could. Sirius’ belongings fell to the ground with three successive thumps as he released them, wrapping his arms around James’ shoulders in return and burying his head into his best friend’s neck. After several long moments, James released his friend and stepped back. “Of course you can stay, Sirius. You know my parents have been offering for years.”

“Who is it, James?” James’ dad called from the living room.

“It’s Sirius,” James called back, still gazing at his best friend, his eyes searching, concern showing in them. Sirius knew he must look awful. He was still flushed, and felt slightly feverish with exhaustion and pain, though he wasn’t going to tell James about any of that. Behind James, Sirius heard the rushing footsteps of his parents, and then Mr. and Mrs. Potter appeared in the doorway, as well. Mr. Potter had only to give Sirius’ a once-over, taking in his trunk and other belongings laying next to him on the doorstep, to assess the situation. He stepped forward to embrace Sirius, as well.

“You’re welcome to live with us as long as you would like, son,” he said gruffly, his hand stroking the back of Sirius’ hair reassuringly. Mrs. Potter gave him a long, searching look, so much like her son’s.

“What happened, Sirius?” She asked, her voice full of motherly concern.

“They...I finally had enough of them. Or they finally had enough of me, I dunno.” Sirius said, his voice sounding very small. The pressure behind his eyes, which he had first noticed when he left Regulus, increased, but it was only when Mrs. Potter stepped forward and took him into her arms in a maternal gesture—which was more meaningful than anything his own mother had ever done—that he broke down into tears. The shock, the pain, and the trauma of the evening was too much for him to hold inside. He stood there, sobbing uncontrollably into Mrs. Potter’s shoulder in the doorway as Mr. Potter levitated his things up to the guest room that he had always stayed at every time he visited during the holidays. After several minutes, Mrs. Potter guided him inside and shut the door, made him tea, and sat him down in an armchair in the living room. 

He recounted the whole story—except for the part where he was crucified by Bellatrix—as the Potters sat silently, listening. They asked no questions, only allowed him to speak, and when he was finished, Mrs. Potter hugged him once more, and James led him up to his room. Sirius collapsed onto his bed, suddenly too tired to do anything other than remove his shirt and trousers and climb under the sheets. Vaguely, he contemplated the possibility that Mrs. Potter had put some potion for dreamless sleep into his tea, but perhaps it was simply the chaotic nature of the day, combined with the aftermath of the curse that he had been ignoring. It didn’t make a difference either way, however, as seconds from when his head hit the pillow, he fell fast asleep.


	25. Breathe Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: recreational drug use, smoking

The next day, James awoke with a start, opening his eyes in the early morning light to look around at his room. It was the same as always, but something had changed the previous night. Sirius was there. James sat up slowly, thinking about everything that had happened.

It had been a very normal evening, and a normal day, in which he had gone over to Dorcas’ house near Brighton to see Marlene and Dorcas. They had spent the day exploring the countryside, and James had returned home in high spirits, though slightly late for dinner. His mother had scolded him gently, and then they had sat down to eat. As they often did, the Potters retired to the living room after dinner to talk, and it was then that they heard the rapping on the door.

James remembered opening it to see Sirius, looking flushed, his eyes unnaturally bright, and his face slightly sweaty. He had looked ragged, sick. James knew that what Sirius had told him and his parents the previous night was definitely not the whole story, but if Sirius didn’t want to tell him, James wouldn’t force the issue. Sirius had a right to his secrets.

James checked his alarm clock next to his bed, and saw that it was only six am. He stood up and began to get dressed in his running clothes, then headed out into the hallway. When he put his ear next to the door of Sirius’ room, he heard nothing, so he walked quietly to the loo. He knew that Sirius would probably not be up for another couple of hours, perhaps even more given everything that had happened the previous night.

Therefore, James went about getting ready and making breakfast. Neither of his parents were up, either, as they weren’t morning people like him. After breakfast, he took a run around the area. Down the road on the hill the Potters lived on, there were a couple of Muggle houses, far enough away that they wouldn’t pry into the Potters lives, but close enough that James passed them every morning when he ran, so he was friendly with them. He waved at a couple of the neighbors he knew as he ran down the hill.

When he was running, James felt like he could concentrate on thoughts in the way that he never could when he was sitting still. It was when he felt the most moments of clarity come to him, and in that moment, all he was thinking of was Sirius. 

Whatever had or hadn’t happened to Sirius the night before, and in the past years at home, he had left. He had run away, and he was never going back. After the terror of the previous night, James now felt relief in this fact: Sirius was safe. After years of worry about his best friend, he wouldn’t have to worry anymore. At least, not about this particular thing.

After dwelling on that calming realization for a while, James turned to his next concern: he would have to write to Remus and Peter about what had happened. Sirius might not like him to, not wanting to concern them, especially Remus, but James knew that he had to tell them. He had to tell them that Sirius was safe, and he hoped that they would come over to visit him, as it might cheer Sirius up.

He ran back up the hill towards his house, not exactly sure how long he had been running for. The sun was a bit higher in the sky, and when he got back to his house, he could hear the sounds of his parents beginning to move about their room. He climbed the stairs two at a time, then went into the bathroom to shower. When he was done, he walked back to his room, first getting dressed, then going to sit down at his desk.

James pulled out a roll of parchment and a quill, and sat for a few moments in silence, trying to think of what to write to Remus and Peter. Finally, he lowered quill to paper, and wrote a few sentences:

_Moony,_

_Padfoot got kicked out by his parents last night, and he came to me. He’s going to be living here permanently now during the holidays, and I thought you should know that he’s safe, and he seems to be okay (physically, at least). It’d be great if you could come by sometime soon (I’m asking Wormy, too). I think it’d be good for him to have us all around him. Feel free to stop by any time._

_Prongs_

James copied out a similar message to Peter, then trotted downstairs to find Edelweiss, the Potters’ owl, to send the two letters off. When he descended, he found that Caspian, Sirius’ owl, was perched on the windowsill. He had arrived the previous evening, carrying Sirius’ letter to James, then took off again. Likely he had gone out to hunt, and, by whatever magical force allowed owls to locate people, had returned, knowing Sirius would be here.

“Hey, Caspian,” James said, reaching out and allowing the bird to climb onto his arm. “You up to take a letter to Remus?”

Caspian hooted in what James thought was assent, so James fastened the letter to Remus to the barn owl’s leg. Caspian took off immediately, soaring out the window towards his new destination, and James turned to look for Edelweiss to take the other letter to Peter.

After looking in a few rooms, James found Edelweiss perched on the top of the dresser in his parents room, and attached the letter to his leg and sent him off. He knew that Caspian would reach Remus sooner than Edelweiss would reach Peter, as the journey to the south of Wales, where Remus lived, was much shorter than that to Bradford. Still, Edelweiss was faster, which is why James had chosen him to take the letter to Peter, so hopefully it wouldn’t take him too long.

Having sent the letters off, James walked back out into the kitchen to find his mother standing in it, cleaning dishes. “Morning, mum,” James said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“Morning, darling,” she said. “Had a good run?”

“Yeah,” James said. “And I sent off to Peter and Remus to see if they could come over and see Sirius.”

“Hm,” Euphemia made an approving humming noise in her throat. “That sounds like a good idea. He seemed awfully quiet at breakfast.”

“He’s up?” James asked, looking at his mother in shock. “I thought he was still in bed.”

“Oh, yes, he’s up,” Euphemia said. “Didn’t you notice his door was open when you went upstairs?”

“No, I guess I wasn’t paying attention,” James admitted sheepishly.

“My distracted boy,” Euphemia said, her voice affectionate. “Yes, he ate breakfast with me and your father, then said he was going for a walk. I think he might have gone to the lake. You know how he likes it up there.”

“I do,” James said. “Okay, thanks, mum. I should go see if he wants company.”

“Sounds good,” Euphemia said. “Just don’t push him, alright? Sometimes people just need space. And after everything that he’s been through…” She paused, sighing and shaking her head. James gave her a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry, I won’t push him,” he said. “I’ll see you later, alright? Will you yell for me if any owls come or anything?”

“Will do,” Euphemia replied, smiling.

So James trekked up the familiar path towards the top of the low hill, where a patch of trees concealed both the little Quidditch spot where he practiced every summer, and also the small pond where he, Sirius, Marlene, and Dorcas always swam. The pond was only a short walk from the Potter’s house, and after ten minutes James came upon Sirius, sitting on a rock that jutted out over the water, staring ahead.

James slowed as he drew closer. He felt almost wary of his best friend. It was like approaching a wounded animal; he didn’t want to startle him. When James was only feet from Sirius, the other boy spoke.

“Stop creeping up on me, Prongs, I can hear you,” he said. His voice sounded light, and so James sat down beside him, examining his face. Sirius’ expression was neutral, no mark of the previous night’s panic in it.

“You okay, Padfoot?” James asked tentatively.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Sirius replied, his legs dangling off the rock, looking into the depths of the lake pensively.

“It’s okay if you’re not, you know?” James said, feeling at a loss for words. “I mean...if you want to talk about it.”

Sirius turned his head to look at his best friend and smiled slightly. “I appreciate the concern, Prongs, but I really am okay.”

“You are?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, letting out a little laugh. “I am. You know, I never felt like I could breathe, living in that house. Not ever when I was a kid did I feel like there was space for me to breathe. I felt like the house was suffocating me, like my parents were suffocating me, you know?”

James shrugged, staring at Sirius, an apologetic look on his face. Sirius shook his head, still smiling slightly. “No, I don’t suppose you do. Anyway, going to Hogwarts felt like being able to breathe for the first time in my life. I had no idea what I was missing until I got there, but still, at the end of each term, when I had to go back home, I felt like my lungs were closing up again, like I was being suffocated weeks before even stepping back in the house. Now that—” he broke off, looking back out over the lake, his smile widening.

“Now that I’m _free_ , I feel like I’ve never been able to breathe like this before in my life. My head feels clearer than it ever has been, Prongs. I mean, yes, leaving was hard to wrap my head around, but I felt like I was dying in that house, literally dying. Like it was going to kill me, or drive me crazy. I could feel it happening. Now I’ll never have to go back, and I can breathe.”

James wasn’t quite sure how to reply. He wished Remus was there, as he always knew how to communicate with Sirius about difficult things like this. James just couldn’t relate to either of the two the way that they could relate to each other. His life had been too good, too happy to do so, which he was grateful for, but it made him feel like a dunce in situations like this.

“I’m glad,” he said finally, giving Sirius a smile.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, Sirius staring out at the lake, James fidgeting absentmindedly as he was lost in his own thoughts. They were broken out of their reverie, however, by the sound of Euphemia Potter calling something up the hill, her voice magically magnified to reach them, but not so much that they could make out the words, or it would disturb the neighbors.

“I wonder what she wants,” James said, frowning. The two boys climbed to their feet and hurried down the hill. Mrs. Potter was nowhere to be seen, so James assumed that his mother had gone back inside after calling to them. It probably wasn’t too dire, then.

Still, Sirius and James hastened their way down the hill so that they arrived back at the house only five minutes later, slightly out of breath. As they entered through the back door, Euphemia greeted them, beaming as she stood behind the counter. Across from her, his back to the door through which Sirius and James entered through, was a tall figure with light brown hair.

“Look who’s come to see you,” Euphemia said.

Remus turned to look at James and Sirius, his blue eyes immediately falling upon Sirius. Without saying a word, he strode over to him and embraced him tightly. Sirius seemed slightly taken aback for a moment, then hugged Remus back, his hands linking behind Remus’ waist. They stood like that for a few seconds, then Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius, his expression looking almost angry.

“What happened?” He demanded.

“Perhaps you boys want to go upstairs and talk alone in Sirius’ room,” Euphemia said gently. She glanced at James, tilting her head slightly as if asking a question, though James wasn’t sure what it was. He understood her suggestion, however, that they should be left alone.

“I’m going to go fly a little bit,” James said, looking at Sirius. “Unless you want me here?”

Sirius shook his head. “No, thanks Prongs,” he said. Remus didn’t look at James as he left; his eyes were all for Sirius. The two boys exchanged another glance, and then Sirius led Remus, awkwardly, up the stairs to his room.

Remus had never actually been to James’ house before. He had heard about it from all of the rest of the boys, as well as Marlene and Dorcas, but he had never visited any of the rest of them during their school holidays before. 

James’ house was slightly smaller than he had expected. Remus knew that both James and Sirius were rich; that they came from old pureblood money, which meant that they had a lot of it. His friends didn’t show it off, but neither did they try hard to conceal it. Remus didn’t mind it; he had never had friends before, neither rich nor poor, but he did have to wrap his head around the fact that Sirius’ and James’ homes would likely fit his own twice or more inside of them.

Surprisingly, the Potter house was rather quaint, nothing compared to how Remus had imagined. There seemed to be only three bedrooms and two bathrooms, the building only two floors. However, Euphemia Potter had said something about her husband being in “the library” when he arrived, which did not surprise Remus. Of course, most of the advantage of the Potter house could be seen, not in the house, but in the land surrounding it that the family also owned, which Remus knew was much of the reason why James and Sirius loved it.

The door to Sirius’ room was the second on the left down the upper hallway, and Sirius opened the door, Remus walking in behind him and shutting it.

“What happened?” Remus asked, sitting down next to Sirius on the bed, gazing at him intently. Sirius didn’t look bruised or anything, but was slightly paler than usual nevertheless.

Sirius began to tell him. It took a while, and Remus had many questions, unlike James and his parents. Sirius, of course, left out what had happened with Bellatrix, but told Remus everything else. When he had finally finished, there was silence for a few moments before Remus asked quietly, gazing at Sirius:

“Do you think they’ll come after you?”

Sirius shook his head. “No, they won’t,” he said slowly. “They let me leave.”

“What do you mean?” Remus asked, surprised by Sirius’ conviction.

Sirius glanced at him. “My mother told me to go to my room, but what she said was ‘get out,’” he said. “I think she wanted me to leave for good. After people left, she didn’t come up and punish me, and when I went out, the foyer was empty. She probably heard me, and she could have stopped me, but she chose not to.”

“If she wanted you to leave, why didn’t she just kick you out, then?”

“She learned from what happened with Andy,” Sirius said, his grey eyes looking far away. “It embarrassed the family, especially my uncle Cygnus and aunt Druella. I reckon she thought it would be cleaner if I just left and then she could tell the family whatever she wanted.”

They were both silent for several long moments. Remus wasn’t quite sure what to say, and he couldn’t really tell how Sirius was feeling about the situation, either. It was Sirius who spoke again first, spinning a blade of grass between his thumb and forefinger, not looking at Remus.

“I think it’s the nicest thing she’s ever done for me,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands. “Just letting me leave. She’s obviously never been the warm type, and I don’t think I remember her ever making me feel like she cared even an ounce about me, but maybe a little part of her does.”

He looked up at Remus, and Remus tried to rearrange his features so that he didn’t look so horrified, or pitying, but Sirius smiled. “You don’t have to look at me like that, Moony, I know I’m fucked up.”

Remus couldn’t help but smile back. “You are,” he said. “But it’s ok. There are worse things to be.”

Sirius stared at him for a second, then burst out laughing. Remus began to laugh too, and then they were both cracking up. It felt good to Sirius, this dry humor that he and Remus could share. It seemed as if it was loosening something, both inside him and between him and Remus. Suddenly, there was a hot pressure at the back of his eyes.

When Sirius’ laughter died out to be replaced with sobs, tears running down his face, Remus was not surprised, but simply held him. It was one of the first times that they had properly touched since all that had happened during the spring term. Remus was glad of it. Like Sirius, he had felt a softening happen, now that Sirius was vulnerable and hurting, too.

Of course, he hated Sirius being hurt. But maybe it was that this was how they had been able to relate to each other most before, through the pain, and that this would be the thing to rebuild what had been broken. Remus found he didn’t really care why, as they clung to one another.

....

After their conversation, Remus and Sirius walked up the hill in silence to find James. It wasn’t awkward, only comfortable, the tension in their air between them much less than before they had left for the summer. They found James flying around the clearing on his broom, and once he had gotten down, they spent an enjoyable afternoon together, walking around the hill and slouching down in the shade of the trees.

In the late afternoon, Peter finally joined them, running up the hill and finding them after a few minutes searching through the trees. Bradford being further away than where Remus lived, in the countryside near Cardiff, he had only just received the letter. After updating him on what had happened briefly, the boys got back to their easy conversation.

While they were talking, Remus felt a lump in his jacket pocket, pressed into him by the tree he was leaning up against. Curious, he felt around and drew out the objects in there. Of course, he thought. It was some of the pot he had leftover from the last full moon, along with the paper he used to roll a joint.

“Why did you bring that along?” Peter asked, snorting slightly with laughter. Remus rolled his eyes, stowing it back into his pocket.

“I didn’t mean to, it was just in my pocket already."

“What does it feel like when you smoke it?” Sirius asked, curiously. “I mean, you said it made the pain easier. What else does it do?”

“It’s hard to describe,” Remus said contemplatively. “It makes me feel kind of detached from reality a bit. But in a good way. I dunno.” He thought about it for another moment, then looked at Sirius, who was not looking at him, but staring off into the trees. Remus hesitated then asked, “Do you all want to try some?”

They had all said yes, in the end. Peter had been the most hesitant, but it was Remus saying, “You don’t _have_ to, Wormtail, you know. I just thought it might be fun,” that made him agree, a smile breaking the cautious look on his face. James and Peter watched in fascination as Remus expertly rolled a joint, while Sirius’ eyes, unseen by the rest, fixed on the hair that fell into his friend’s eyes while he worked, rather than his hands.

When Remus was done, he swore. “Fuck, I don’t have a lighter.”

“Here,” Sirius said, raising his wand and muttering a spell, lighting the end of the joint deftly. James shot him a look.

“You know my mum doesn’t like it when we use magic out of school, whether or not the Ministry can tell you’re doing it.”

Sirius just smiled and shrugged, pocketing his wand again as Remus took a hit from the joint. He held the smoke in his lungs for a second before breathing out through his mouth, then offered it to Sirius.

“You’ll want to take small puffs first,” he said as Sirius took it. “Inhale it slowly and then hold it for a second, then breathe out slowly.”

Sirius put the joint tentatively to his lips and inhaled. It burned slightly, and he coughed as he tried to hold it, exhaling quicker than he had intended. Remus laughed.

“It’s normal to cough a bit as you get used to it,” he said. “Don’t worry though, it’ll actually get you high more quickly.”

Sirius, determined to get it right, took another inhale, this time not coughing, but letting the smoke out slowly. It looked kind of cool, he decided, handing it to James. James, to Sirius’ annoyance, seemed to be quite good at smoking on his first try, not coughing at all, even with the large inhale he took.

Remus shook his head, laughing slightly, as James passed it on to Peter. “Did you forget the part when I said small puffs?” James just winked at him. Peter coughed a lot in both his first and second attempts taking a hit, and passed it back to Remus, grimacing slightly. The joint made a few more rounds before it was finished, all of the boys getting a better hang of it with time.

“That stuff hits fast,” Sirius said once the pot had vanished out of sight and they were left sitting in a circle. He had not truly noticed it while they were still smoking, concentrated on the task, but now it hit him. Remus had been right; it did make him feel slightly out of touch with reality. The leftover aches in his body, too, seemed to become less important, less prominent, but perhaps that was just his attention leaving them.

“Like it?” Remus asked, turning his slightly bloodshot eyes onto Sirius. Sirius nodded, then looked over at James and Peter. James’ mouth was open slightly, and he seemed to be gazing off into space, his eyes unfocused. Peter was humming under his breath. Sirius began to laugh, which caused James to start and close his mouth and Peter to look at him.

The sound of Sirius’ laughter seemed to reverberate through his chest, his skin tingling in a strange way, the sound waves travelling through his body. Once he had stopped, he took a deep breath, expanding his lungs with the clean air, and grinned. “I’m glad you’re all here,” he said, grinning around at them. They all smiled lazily back at him.

....

Half an hour into the high, the four boys decided they all wanted to eat, so they trekked down the hill towards the little house. They tried to tiptoe in, hoping that neither of James’ parents would find them in their state, though they still made quite a bit of noise together, especially when Peter knocked over a glass on the counter. Luckily, neither Euphemia nor Fleamont came to see what the commotion was about, so the marauders were left to scour the kitchen cupboards for something to eat.

“What about macaroni cheese?” James asked, lifting the box out of a high shelf and turning it to squint at the instructions.

“What’s that?” Sirius asked, peering over James’ shoulder.

“You’ve never had macaroni cheese?!” James demanded, turning to stare at Sirius incredulously. Sirius shrugged and shook his head.

“It’s one of the best things in the world!” James exclaimed. “Ok, now we have to make it.”

It turned out that Remus was the person who knew the most about cooking out of the four of them, so they let him fill the pot, bring it to a boil, then add the pasta, conversing in a slow, leisurely way as they waited, all looking around the kitchen as if they had never seen it before in their lives. Unfortunately this meant that not even Remus was paying enough attention to the pot as the pasta water began to boil up and over.

“Oh shit!” James exclaimed, running over to it and switching off the heat. It was too late, however, as it had already gotten onto the stove.

“I can clean it!” Sirius announced, taking out his wand and pointing it at the pot. Before any of them could stop him, the liquid in the pot on the stove exploded, half-cooked macaroni and pasta water hitting the walls with a loud smack.

They had only a moment to stare at each other in abject horror before they all started at the sound of a throat being cleared near the doorway. They turned to see Euphemia Potter standing there, her arms crossed, a single eyebrow raised at them, as if she had appeared out of thin air.

“Mum!” James squeaked, turning on the spot and looking extremely guilty.

“And what did you all think you were doing?” She asked, barely concealing a smile. The four boys looked around at each other, then turned back to face her.

“Making dinner?” James said slowly, his voice raising at the end in a question.

“Boxed macaroni cheese, I see,” Euphemia said, nodding to the boxes on the counter. “Something hard to bungle, though I see you managed nevertheless.”

“The water kind of...overflowed. Then Sirius tried to clean up by magic,” James said. Euphemia nodded, amusement all over her face.

“That clearly backfired,” she said. “As you know, Sirius, we do enforce the no magic outside of school rule in this house, so please hand over your wand.” She held out her hand for his wand, and he sheepishly placed it in her palm. She smiled, then flicked her own wand so that the walls began to wipe themselves clean.

“There are leftovers in the fridge,” she said, putting her wand in her pocket. Before turning to leave, she looked behind her and shook her head, smiling. “At least you didn’t smoke in the house.”

She exited the room, leaving them to exchange relieved looks and thank their lucky stars that Euphemia Potter didn’t have a quick temper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> I’m sorry for the phrase “macaroni cheese.” Trust me when I say I was horrified to learn that that’s what they call mac and cheese in Britain. (No offense, British people.)
> 
> Also, look! A semi-cheerful chapter, for once! I know I’ve had a pretty depressing last few, but things get better from here (and then eventually worse again, of course). There’s always angst, but more in the normal teenager way rather than the “we’re on the cusp of a war with wizard bigots” way.


	26. London Calling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: implication of racist slur, underage drinking

It took only a short amount of time for Sirius to get settled into the idea of living with the Potters permanently. Of course, he was used to spending large parts of his summers there, so he was already used to the steady, stable flow of life in Wotton-under-Edge.

Most days, they hung around the Potter house and surrounding area, playing Quidditch, swimming in the pond, and exploring. Remus and Peter had both come back to hang out with them again, miraculously, in Remus’ case. The rest of the boys joked that Remus had finally caved and realized he would never get rid of him, while he rolled his eyes and called them wankers.

Sirius liked having Remus around more in the summer. Having him around felt familiar, like being back at Hogwarts, and that was good. He had never truly realized how much Remus’ absence during the summers had bothered him before, but now that he was around, Sirius didn’t think he could bear him disappearing ever again.

Even when Remus and Peter weren’t around, James and Sirius spent most of their time with Dorcas and Marlene. In early August, when Remus was at home recovering from the full moon and Peter was watching his brother and sister, Sirius and James found themselves flooing into the Leaky Cauldron to meet the two girls. They had decided to spend the day exploring London, as they rarely ventured out of the countryside, and thought it would be a fun change of pace.

The girls got in five minutes after them, dusting ash off of themselves then hugging both James and Sirius.

“Come on,” Marlene said impatiently. “Let’s get out of here.”

All four of them headed out of the dingy pub to the bright sunlight outside, their eyes adjusting quickly as they took in the sight of the bustling Muggle street. Sirius turned to the rest, raising his eyebrows. “Where to?”

They all beamed at him. “Up to you,” Dorcas said cheerfully. “You’re our guide.”

Sirius snorted. “You do know I spent most of my childhood locked up in Grimmauld Place?”

“Oh, don’t pretend,” Marlene said. “You told us you explored almost the whole of London by yourself. So, show us around.”

Sirius smiled, then turned to look around the street for familiar landmarks. “Fine,” he said. “Follow me.”

They did, meandering their way down the street, James, Marlene, and Dorcas all looking around at everything in fascination. Marlene fell into step with Sirius, her strides long and bouncy, clearly excited.

“Where are you taking us?”

“Not sure quite yet,” Sirius said, shrugging. “I figure we’ll just go to a street with some shops then look around.” He cast a sideways look at her. “You look more Muggle than usual.”

Marlene laughed. She was wearing denim bell bottoms, boots, and a cuffed-sleeve Abba t-shirt. “This is Dorcas’ shirt,” she said, confidentially. “The only band t-shirts I own are wizarding ones.”

“I hope you’re not trying to pretend you don’t like Abba,” Dorcas called back to them, smiling. She, too, was dressed in a more Muggle manner than usual, with a short, stripy dress that showed off her long, smooth brown legs, and a pair of sandals. Though both girls dressed in normal clothing when home for the holidays or during Hogsmeade weekends, there was usually some magical element, as well, like Dorcas’ earrings, Marlene’s “The Dragon Tamers” t-shirt, or the fact they tended to keep their wands tucked into their pockets or stuck into their hair for safekeeping. There was none of this that day.

“I’m not pretending anything,” Marlene said, sticking her tongue out at Dorcas. “I just don’t own any Muggle t-shirts.”

“Maybe we should get you some,” Sirius suggested, nodding to a nearby store. Marlene exchanged an excited glance with Dorcas, and they all rushed towards the store, James and Sirius close on their heels.

They spent the day browsing in different shops and walking around London. Marlene did indeed buy an Aerosmith t-shirt. She changed into it from Dorcas’ Abba shirt excitedly, Dorcas stowing the old one away in her bag for safekeeping. Instead of lunch, they got ice cream and went to sit on a park bench, laughing and chatting.

“Is Grimmauld Place near here?” Dorcas asked, glancing at him as they ate their ice cream at a lull in the conversation.

“Not that near,” Sirius responded, meeting her eyes briefly. “About a twenty minute walk, maybe. But I’ve been here before.”

“It must be strange to be back in London,” Marlene said, gazing at him with a thoughtful look on her face.

Sirius smiled and shrugged. “Not particularly,” he said. “My parents wouldn’t be caught dead in Muggle London, so I don’t really associate it with them. The city of London is nice; I’ve always liked it.”

“Wouldn’t it be nice to live here, someday?” Dorcas asked, smiling around at the park. “Once school is over, you know, when we have real adult jobs and all that. We could get a flat or something.”

“That’d be brill,” James said, grinning. “Except for the job and graduating Hogwarts part.”

“As if you even need a job,” Marlene scoffed. “You don’t have to work a day in your life if you don’t want to.”

James laughed. “You’re right,” he admitted. “But I need something to do.”

“I’m sure you’ll find something,” Dorcas laughed. “What did you ask McGonagall about at the career meetings, then?”

James shrugged. “I dunno,” he said. “There are a couple of things that look interesting. Healer, Auror, or something in your dad’s department, maybe, Marley. Those all have similar requirements, she told me, so I don’t have to decide yet. I could also always try to play for some Quidditch team or another, but I’m not sure I want to do that for the rest of my life. You’re still on the Healer track, right, Dee?”

Dorcas nodded. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do,” she said cheerfully. “It won’t be all fun and games, but it’ll be worth it, I think. Healing is fascinating.”

“You’ll be great at it,” Marlene said, smiling and nudging her best friend.

“Marley’s all in for being an Auror,” Dorcas said, smiling.

“What can I say, I always hero-worshipped Diana when I was little,” Marlene said, referring to Dorcas’ mother, who worked in the Auror office. “What she does sounds so cool, and all the times I’ve been to the Auror office—it’s just amazing there. It just  _ feels _ good to be there, you know?”

Dorcas smiled at her affectionately, her dark brown eyes twinkling slightly in the summer sun. “Being an Auror does sound amazing,” Sirius said. “It’s definitely on my short list for things I’d like to do after Hogwarts.”

“Perfect,” Marlene said, winking at him. “We can work together.”

“Now you’re making me want to join you two,” James said, grinning. Then he became more serious. “Mind you, it seems important, especially now.” He didn’t have to say more; they all knew exactly what he meant.

“But is it something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life?” James mused. “I don’t know.”

“Well, when this is all over, you could always change careers if you wanted,” Dorcas said, reasonably. “But it’s still a ways away.”

“This conversation is way too serious for a bunch of sixteen year olds,” Marlene said, smiling and leaping to her feet, wiping her hands on her napkin. “Where shall we go next?”

They ended up in a thrift store on Tottenham Court Road, browsing the slightly musty aisles of clothes. Marlene grinned at Sirius, pulling out a shirt from the rack and showing it to him. It was covered in silver sequins, and Sirius let out a laugh.

“Want me to try it on?” Sirius asked, smirking. Marlene nodded, grinning back.

Sirius stripped his shirt off, glancing over at the shopkeeper to make sure she wasn’t looking, and pulled the shirt on. Marlene pulled out another sparkly shirt from the rack and replaced her t-shirt, too. They doubled over in laughter, looking at each other, and when James rounded the corner, they posed, back to back, before all falling over each other in hysterics.

“We’re Abba!” Marlene said, giggling as Dorcas rounded the corner, too.

Dorcas rolled her eyes and gestured to her own clothing. She was now wearing a leather jacket, and circled slowly for them to see. “Like it? I think it looks quite cool.”

Sirius had to admit, she was right. Of course, Dorcas had always been beautiful. Her dark brown eyes, long lashes framing them, were enchanting, over her nose, which had a smattering of dark freckles on it, and full lips. When Dorcas smiled, there was something contained in it that just lit up everyone else in the room, Sirius had noticed. The jacket made her look especially attractive, though. It wasn’t her usual style of flowy dresses and flowered skirts, but she looked cool, and it accentuated her curves nicely. 

Sirius noticed all of this with the air of a detached viewer. However, to say that this had always been the case would be a lie. At the beginning of their fifth year, after years of being indifferent to Dorcas, he had suddenly been struck by whatever magnetic quality she had that other boys always talked about. It wasn’t just her beauty, it was the way that she was always overflowing with passion and kindness that had appealed to Sirius. Dorcas was vibrant, brilliant. She was the kind of person that lit up the whole room, not because of surface level charm, but because of her genuine goodness. 

Still, as quickly as it had come, his brief infatuation with her went. Sirius thought that part of the reason his infatuation with her had been so brief was that he sensed that Dorcas wouldn’t be receptive to his feelings. Dorcas’ beauty, and her kindness, was for everyone, but at the same time, for no one. She was all there, right in front of you brimming with passion and presence, but at the same time, she seemed as distant as the moon. Sirius couldn’t put his finger on why she seemed distant at times, but he knew that while Marlene, James, and he sometimes shared their personal struggles with the rest, Dorcas never had. Not with him, anyway.

“You look amazing, Dee,” James said, grinning and slinging an arm around her shoulder, dwarfing her completely. She shrugged him off, smiling, and went over to survey herself in a mirror.

“It’s not the kind of thing I would normally wear,” she said, examining it from different angles.

“Well, you could always give it to me if you don’t want to wear it,” Marlene said, grinning and stripping off the sparkly shirt unembarrasedly, replacing it with her new Aerosmith one. Sirius thought that Dorcas’ eyes became rather fixed all of a sudden, but he blinked and it was gone.

“I’m sure you’ll steal it from me some time or another,” Dorcas replied, smiling lightly.

Marlene was no longer paying full attention, but held up another top to her chest for Sirius to examine. It was strappy, and cut off below her chest.

“Hot,” Sirius said, grinning. Marlene snorted and put it back on the rack.

“This looks like James’ color,” Marlene said, holding up another shirt. This one was made of mesh, and bright red. James’ face broke into a wide smile, and he stripped off his shirt, catching the shirt as Marlene flung it at him and trying it on, posing ridiculously.

In the end, they were kicked out of the store by the cashier for “public indecency,” but not before Dorcas had bought her leather jacket. They strode out again on the London streets, laughing and chasing after one other.

“Oh!” Dorcas exclaimed suddenly, stopping in her tracks and turning excitedly to the rest of them. “We should go see Big Ben! And the Tower of London!”

“Yes! Let’s do it,” James exclaimed, while Marlene nodded vigorously. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Big Ben is just a giant clock, you do know that, right?” He asked exasperatedly.

“Oh, hush,  _ Londoner _ ,” Marlene responded playfully. They ended up taking the tube to Big Ben, which, despite Sirius’ exasperation, awed them all. Then, they walked along the river towards the Tower. They got there just in time for the start of a tour, and followed after it excitedly, absorbed in the history.

The four teenagers, still unfamiliar with the workings of the world outside their own, looked like lost ducklings in the large urban setting, staying close together as a group and taking in all the information offered to them with wonder. All four of them had taken Muggle Studies into their O.W.L.s, and loved it, so it was particularly fascinating to step into some of the Muggle history that they had learned about in class.

When the tour was over, the sky was already beginning to darken outside. They bought food from a vendor on the street, sitting on a park bench to eat it while they discussed what they had seen.

“Do you think your parents will expect us back soon?” Sirius asked James, looking at the setting sun over the Thames. James shook his head.

“I told them we’d probably be out late,” he said. “They said it was fine.”

“It’s a wonder they trust you both to keep yourselves alive without supervision,” Marlene said, snorting slightly. James grinned over at her winningly.

“We have supervision!” He exclaimed. “Dorcas is our supervision, aren’t you, Dee?”

Dorcas smiled rather resignedly. “Unofficially, I’ve been supervising you and Marley since we were seven,” she said. “The question is, when do I get payed for being a babysitter?”

“You should unionize,” James suggested, sticking a chip in his mouth and chewing it happily.

“Well, would you like to  _ supervise _ us going into that pub after you’ve all finished eating?” Marlene said, turning her eyes towards the building on the corner, its sign lit up tantalizingly.

Dorcas turned to her, looking rather shocked. “We’re all sixteen bloody years old, Marley!” She said. “How on earth would we even  _ get _ in there?”

Marlene smiled widely at her. “Improvisation,” she said cheerfully. “What’s the harm?” Dorcas didn’t answer, only shook her head tiredly.

Once they had all finished their fish and chips—James scarfed his food down in seconds after Marlene’s suggestion—they cautiously made their way over to the bar. It smelled slightly of stale drink and urine, and Marlene wrinkled her nose slightly. There was no one near the entrance except for a group of men, leaning on the side of the building several yards away.

They stank of liquor, and one of them wolf whistled at Marlene as she walked past them. Marlene shot them a disgusted look before pushing the door open to enter the pub. It had low lighting, and was relatively empty, as it was still early in the evening. Marlene approached the bar, her head held high, eyes bright and determined.

“Four pints, please,” she said to the bartender, a woman in her late twenties who looked them over with a suspicious eye, then shrugged and pulled out glasses to fill from under the bar. Marlene shot an “I told you so” look to the other three, and grabbed her pint from the counter once it was filled, handing across some Muggle money to the bartender to pay for their drinks. She turned back to what she had been doing, and the four underage wizards climbed into a booth near the door, trying to suppress their mischievous laughter.

“She just gave them to us,” James exclaimed in a stage whisper, looking slightly shocked at his own luck.

“I  _ told  _ you!” Marlene said, grinning. “People don’t care how old we are, not here.”

“The beauty of London,” Sirius said, smiling before taking a sip of his beer and making a slight face. “That’s slightly disgusting.”

James took a long drink, swallowing slowly and looking thoughtful. “Gross,” he agreed, before taking another swig. Marlene laughed, while Dorcas looked thoughtfully down at her own pint before lifting it to her lips and taking a sip. She smacked her lips together, rolled her eyes at Marlene, who was staring at her with a wide smile on her face, and then took another.

None of them had ever had anything to drink before, and it showed, as only halfway through their pints, they started to get tipsy, their cheeks becoming flushed and their voices slightly louder.

“This is so  _ fun _ ,” Sirius exclaimed, slamming his empty pint down on the table and causing several other people in the pub to glare at him. “We should do this more often.”

“Drink alcohol?” James suggested, grinning lazily before downing the last drops of his drink, too.

“Explore cities,” Sirius said, grinning. “But drinking alcohol is also fun.”

Dorcas hiccuped slightly, and Sirius grinned at her across the table. She smiled back, her eyes slightly unfocused. “Having fun, Dee?”

“Lots of fun,” she responded, hiccuping again in a contended sort of way.

“And you?” He asked, turning his gaze to Marlene. She beamed at him.

“Definitely.” Her t-shirt already had a small grease stain from the fish and chips near the sleeve, and there was a bit of foam from the beer on her upper lip. Her cheeks were rather flushed, making her blue eyes especially vibrant behind her pale blonde lashes. She looked like a child’s painting, all vibrant, contrasting colours attracting the eye in an almost violent manner.

Sirius wasn’t sure if it was the intoxication that made him realize in that moment that he was attracted to her, or something else, but he was surprised by it, no matter where it had come from. Briefly, he examined the thought, then stowed it away in his mind for later. It didn’t seem urgent.

They spent another thirty minutes in the pub, though James vetoed getting more beers, pointing out that soon, they all had to go back home and speak to their parents, who would probably already be able to tell that they were sloshed after only one drink. Eventually, it was the bartender kicking them out for their volume that prompted their departure, and they filed out onto the street, laughing.

“I can’t believe we got kicked out of  _ two _ places today,” Marlene said between peels of laughter, slinging her arm around Sirius’ shoulder and stumbling a little.

“We’d probably better get home,” James said, still grinning. “We can get the tube back to the Leaky Cauldron, right?”

“If we can figure out the maps,” Dorcas said, smiling. They began to make their slow progression down the street, away from the bar, knowing they would find an underground entrance sooner or later.

The men on the side of the pub began to holler at Marlene as they walked away. “Fuck off,” Dorcas said, glaring at them as she passed, Marlene by her side, their arms linked protectively. The men laughed mockingly.

“Didn’t know blondie needed a protector,” the man in front slurred, looking Dorcas up and down, a sneer on his pale, pointed face. Dorcas stopped, too, ignoring Marlene’s attempts to pull her forward. She was a good 6 inches shorter than the smallest among them, but she glowered at them, unintimidated, her face still slightly flushed from the beer, and her eyes bright.

“I didn’t know that grown men could be so pathetic as to spend their free time outside bars, harassing underage girls,” she retorted, turning to walk away. The man spat on the ground in front of him and muttered something under his breath that Sirius couldn’t catch. Dorcas’ back tensed, and she increased her pace, dragging Marlene along, who looked suddenly furious.

“Marlene, come  _ on _ ,” Dorcas said urgently, her voice serious as implored her best friend. Marlene relented, allowing Dorcas to tug her around the corner and out of sight of the men.

“Why did you stop me?” Marlene asked, outraged, once they were out of sight. “I would have ripped them to shreds.” In the light of the streetlamp, Sirius could see that Dorcas’ dark eyes looked fearful. She avoided Marlene’s insistent blue gaze, not slowing her pace.

“Because it’s safest to walk away from people who use words like that.”

“You weren’t wanting to walk away a second before when they were harassing  _ me _ ,” Marlene said, still indignant.

“That’s different,” Dorcas said shortly. Their walk back to Charing Cross Road was in silence, James looking unusually subdued, Marlene still angry, and Dorcas impassive, her eyes blank, cheeks no longer flushed. The event seemed to have sobered them all up sufficiently, and they descended into the London underground in silence.

The underground was mostly empty, so they got a whole car to themselves as they headed back towards Charing Cross Road and the Leaky Cauldron. They sat side by side, staring at the side of the train as the lights of one station flashed by and darkness settled, onto another one. After a while, Sirius looked over to see that Marlene had put her arm around Dorcas, who was laying her head on the blonde girl’s shoulder, her eyes closed.

He looked back towards the window, noticing as he did so that there was a greek letter lambda drawn in black sharpie on it, just big enough for him to make out from across the aisle. He puzzled over why it might be there for a few minutes, but then they pulled into Embankment Station and they had to switch trains.

When finally reached the Leaky Cauldron, the clock on the wall said ten o’clock, but Tom, the bartender, didn’t comment as they walked in and went over to the fireplace. They looked at each other for a moment slightly awkwardly, then broke into smiles. James hugged Dorcas, and Sirius Marlene, then they switched.

“Thanks for showing us London,” Dorcas said into Sirius’ shoulder, her breath warm.

“Any time,” Sirius said, pulling back and smiling at her.

“See you tomorrow?” James asked the girls, and Marlene smiled and nodded.

“Can you guys over to Dee’s house?”

“Sounds good,” he said. “We’ll turn up and bug you in the late morning, probably.”

“Looking forward to it,” Dorcas said, laughing, then took a handful of floo powder and threw it into the flames, stepping in after it. “Meadowes house,” she said, then disappeared into the ash and flames. Marlene stepped after her, and they were gone.

James took another handful of powder, threw it in the flames, and stepped in. “Potter residence,” he said, then spun out of sight. Sirius followed him, the flames licking his ears for a couple of seconds before he repeated James’ words and was swallowed in soot and darkness, spinning towards home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, bear with me with this. I know it must be annoying to hear Sirius talking about his attraction to women, but this fic isn’t labeled slow burn for nothing. All in good time.


	27. Dog Days

The heat of mid-August descended upon the English countryside, late that year, but inevitably forcing most people inside, opening their windows to tempt a breeze and, for those who had it, putting their air conditioning on full blast. Marlene, Dorcas, James, and Sirius were not most people, however, and though they, too, were brits unaccustomed to the high temperatures except for those few weeks of summer, they were unperturbed.

Despite the little pond on the Potters’ property, Blacksmith Hill was not an ideal place to be on the hottest days of summer, as the temperatures climbed higher due to the altitude, so they chose instead to spend their days at Dorcas’ house near Brighton.

Marlene had always loved Dorcas’ home. Like James’ and unlike Marlene’s, which was in the suburbs of Oxford, close to where her mother worked as a professor of magical history, Dorcas’ house was in the countryside. Unlike James’, it was in a valley, and the backyard sloped down into a grassy field. Close to her house was a garden that her father, Thomas, tended, but a few yards out from the house, it receded into long grass and wildflowers, shaded by a few hazel trees along the borders.

It was paradise, in Marlene’s opinion, an opinion which was shared by Dorcas, and to a slightly lesser extent James and Sirius, who still preferred James’ large grounds with the Quidditch field and the pond. Marlene and Dorcas had spend four whole years playing in the field at the back of the Meadowes property before James had showed up, and Marlene would always remember those years as some of the best of her life.

During the days in the middle of August where the sun beat down upon the field and the three of them wiled away the hours, counting down until the time where they would be back on the Hogwarts grounds in Scotland, where it almost never got this warm, they lounged under the hazel trees, laughing and drinking cold pumpkin juice. To pass the time, Marlene took to counting the petals on the flowers around them. There were daisies and red poppies, which stood out against the dry grass and which Marlene plucked from the earth carelessly, dusted off, and ran her fingers over the soft petals.

After counting, she tossed the flowers, one by one, at each of her three friends surrounding her. Dorcas, laying on her stomach in the field, only rolled her eyes at her best friend’s behavior, but grabbed the daisies tossed her way to add to the flower crown she was making. James, who was propped against the trunk of the tree, his eyes closed, ignored her completely, even when she managed to throw one of the poppies in such a way that it wedged itself into the space between his glasses and the bridge of his nose.

Sirius, however, after being hit in the face one to many times by a flying flower, finally grabbed Marlene around the waist and picked her up off the ground, spinning her around in a circle as she laughed and told him to let her down. He dropped her unceremoniously back on the ground, losing interest, and she rubbed her slightly bruised backside, scowling slightly at him as he flopped down on his back dramatically.

“I’m  _ bored, _ ” he whined, looking up at the sky. “I feel all sticky and gross from this heat.”

Dorcas snorted slightly. “Charming,” she said, not looking around at him as she tied the ends of her daisy crown together and placed it on her head.

“Summer is boring, what can you do?” Marlene said, picking another red poppy and twirling it in her fingers.

“We could do something fun,” Sirius said, his grey eyes thoughtful, looking up at the blue, cloudless sky.

“Any bright ideas?” Marlene asked after the pause grew long. Sirius groaned.

“I can’t think when it’s this hot,” he said, closing his eyes. “I wish we could go swimming.”

“Well, if you really want to,” Marlene said mischievously, pulling out her wand from the bun on top of her head. “Aguamenti!” A jet of water shot out of Marlene’s wand and hit Sirius squarely in the face, drenching him. Sirius’ eyes popped open in shock, and he leapt to his feet, Marlene doing the same as he chased her around the tree that James was leaning against.

“That was completely uncalled for, Mckinnon!” Sirius said, though there was a wide smile on his face as he ran after her. She was quite a bit faster than him, but turned and sent another jet of water towards him, this one hitting him in the chest.

Her laughter continued as he spluttered in surprise and redoubled his pace, chasing her as Dorcas and James watched in amusement. “This is absolutely unfair,” Sirius said, panting slightly. “You’re faster than me and you  _ know  _ Mrs. Potter made me leave my wand at home.”

“Maybe if you’d been a bit more stealthy about your magic use, you would have it, too,” Marlene said, laughing and shooting another jet of water at him over her shoulder. In her haste, however, she stumbled over a branch on the ground, and went tumbling into the long grass. In seconds, Sirius was on top of her, lifting her up by her waist and giving her a big, wet bear hug as she cried out helplessly, still laughing, too.

“You reap what you sow, Marley,” Dorcas said, smiling slightly as Sirius put her down. She was not completely soaked, not like Sirius, whose shoulder length hair was sticking to his neck, drops of water running down his neck towards his collarbones.

“What are you looking at, Mckinnon?” Sirius said, throwing her a grin, though breaking the effect by sneezing.

“You smell like a wet dog,” Marlene told him, wrinkling her nose in mock disgust. James began to laugh from the tree, and Sirius joined in.

“I am the best trained dog of all time, then,” he joked, stepping away from Marlene and back towards the tree, to sit beside James. Marlene followed him.

“You’d be the  _ worst  _ trained dog ever,” she said. “I’d bet you’d be the type to shed all over the place and chew everyone’s shoes.”

“What do you think, Prongs?” Sirius asked, chortling. “Would I eat shoes?”

James shrugged, working hard to contain his grin. “Who can say?”

“If I was a dog, what would you name me, then?” Sirius asked Marlene, his grey eyes twinkling with mirth.

Marlene contemplated this for a moment, then smiled. “Snuffles,” she announced with certainty. “Perfect name for you.”

James guffawed louder, and Dorcas joined in, too, at the outraged look on Sirius’ face. “ _ Snuffles?! _ ” Sirius demanded. “I am  _ not _ a Snuffles! Tell Marley I’m not a Snuffles, James!” But James was laughing so hard he could barely catch his breath, his cheeks flushed as he clutched his stomach, wheezing, tears streaming down his face.

“That’s about the worst name for a dog I’ve ever heard, Marls,” Dorcas said, smiling. Marlene shrugged, grinning back.

“I think it’s quite fetching,” she said. “Sure you don’t wanna go in and dry off, Sirius? You might catch a cold.” She smirked at him, and he glared back at her, crossing his arms over his wet chest.

“No, I’m perfectly alright, thanks,” he said mutinously. Marlene shot him a wink.

“Up to you.”

Sirius smiled slightly and rested his head back against the tree, closing his eyes. Marlene regarded him with a slight tinge of interest, noting the line of his jaw, going down into his collarbones, the curve of his waist. His cheeks were flushed, slightly, and Marlene knew he could feel her watching. She turned away, and caught Dorcas staring at her, a slight crease between her eyebrows as she watched Marlene watch Sirius. Dorcas looked away, and began to play with a stem of grass next to her.

“You know what’d be fun?” Sirius said suddenly, opening his eyes and sitting up from the tree.

“What?” James, Marlene, and Dorcas all asked in unison.

Sirius looked at Marlene, an evil grin spreading across his face. “You remember in fourth year when you promised to pierce my ears?”

“You’re not serious,” James said incredulously.

“I’m always serious,” Sirius replied, grinning. Marlene smiled.

They ended up in the bathroom on the ground floor of the Meadowes house. It was slightly cooler in there, with only a small window and the cold tile on the floor. Dorcas had followed them in reluctantly and was sitting on the toilet, gazing at them anxiously as they looked in the first aid kit for a needle.

“This is such a bad idea,” she said, glancing up at James for support from where he was hovering at the door, looking torn between excitement and caution. “Please tell them this is a bad idea, Jamie.”

“I found one!” Marlene exclaimed, ignoring Dorcas, holding up a thin needle triumphantly. “Where do you want your ears pierced, Sirius?”

“Just on the lobes,” Sirius said, grinning.

“You can’t just do it just like that!” Dorcas exclaimed, leaping up from the toilet seat and grabbing Marlene’s arm as she made to move closer to Sirius. “You have to disinfect it and stuff!”

“Well then, Ms. Future Healer,” Marlene said, smiling teasingly. “You show us how it’s done.”

Dorcas looked extremely torn, staring from the needle in Marlene’s hand to Marlene and Sirius, who both had wide grins on their faces. She sighed. “Fine,” she relented. “We need hydrogen peroxide and a lighter, and I’m going to a get a pair of my earrings to put in there once Sirius’ ears are pierced.”

Sirius and Marlene exchanged a triumphant look while Dorcas left the room. Marlene put the needle down on the bathroom counter and opened the cabinet under the sink, pulling out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, while Sirius produced a lighter from his pocket. Marlene looked at it in confusion.

“Why do you have that?”

Sirius shrugged, his face guiltless. “Useful thing to have around.”

Marlene gave him a hard look, then rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say,” she said. “Just don’t turn into a pyromaniac and burn Dorcas’ house down.”

Sirius laughed. “No promises,” he said, flicking the lighter on and waving it jokingly in front of him.

Dorcas appeared back in the doorway and walked over to where Sirius and Marlene were standing, unfazed by the open flame, placing a pair of simple silver studs on the counter. She poured a generous amount of hydrogen peroxide on both earrings, not caring that it got on the counter, too, then grabbed a tissue and doused that with hydrogen peroxide, too, handing it over to Sirius. Sirius extinguished the lighter and placed it on the counter.

“Wipe your ears where you want them to be pierced with that,” she said. “It’ll disinfect them.” Sirius did as she asked, and Dorcas grabbed the lighter, flicking it on deftly and holding the needle up to the flame. It glowed red after a few seconds, but Dorcas held it there a for a few more seconds before closing the lighter and letting it cool back to its usual silver color. After a good thirty seconds, she wiped it down with hydrogen peroxide, too, then offered it to Marlene.

“You’re not going to do it?” Marlene asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, absolutely bloody not,” Dorcas said, shaking her head. “I did my part by making sure we do everything possible so Sirius doesn’t get an infection, but you’re the one that signed up to physically pierce his ears, so that’s your job.”

“Okay,” Marlene said, laughing and taking the needle. “Anything else I should know?”

Dorcas shrugged. “I’m no expert,” she said. “But I’d pierce them quick then leave the needle in for a bit to make sure it doesn’t close immediately. Then probably put the earrings in right after.”

“Alright,” Marlene said, looking at Sirius. “Ready to go, then?”

Sirius grinned and nodded, and Marlene approached him, holding the needle aloft. She glanced for a moment at his profile, then, without hesitation or warning, pierced his left ear.

“Fucking hell, Marley!” Sirius yelled, grabbing the side of the counter to steady himself. “No warning or anything?”

“Thought it’d be better without,” Marlene said, shrugging and smiling, rotating the needle slowly to widen the hole. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Not that much,” Sirius said. “You just shocked me.”

“How long should I keep it in, Dee?” Marlene asked, looking towards the doorway. Only then did she realize that Dorcas and James were both standing stock still, looking guiltily at Thomas Meadowes, Dorcas’ father, who had been standing there for who knew how long, his arms crossed, a stern look on his lined face.

Marlene looked from the needle in her hand, which was still in Sirius’ earlobe, back to Dorcas’ father, her mouth slightly open as she tried to think of what to say. “Hey Thomas,” she said feebly, trying to smile.

The corner of his mouth twitched slightly. “What, may I ask, is going on in here?”

“Uh...we were piercing Sirius’ ears?” James said, his voice rising at the end in a question. Thomas Meadowes raised his dark eyebrows.

“I can see that,” he said evenly. “And you decided to do so in our bathroom at home, instead of at a shop, or even with an adult present?”

“Yes?” Marlene said, suppressing a smile. It was funny to see Thomas Meadowes try to look stern. Usually Diana, Dorcas’ mother, was the main enforcer. Thomas shook his head in exasperation and disbelief.

“Dorcas disinfected everything!” Sirius said, obviously trying to help their case, but Dorcas shot him a glare, giving a slight shake of her head to indicate that he stop talking. Her father turned to her, a look of resignation on his face.

“I guess I always knew one day these three would rub off on you,” he said. “I think it’s time for them to leave for today. No more body alterations today.”

“Sorry, dad,” Dorcas said, giving him a slight, apologetic smile. He only shook his head slightly, barely suppressing a smile.

“I won’t tell your mum about this if you won’t tell her I didn’t know it was going on until after,” he said, putting an affectionate hand on her shoulder. She smiled up at him.

“Deal.”

“Technically, you came in in the middle,” Marlene offered helpfully. “We’ve only done one ear.”

“Thank you, Marlene,” Thomas said, turning his gaze back to her. “You will not be doing the other one today. So if you’d kindly remove the needle from Sirius’ ear and clean up, that would be great.”

James laughed slightly, and Marlene complied, looking slightly sheepish. Dorcas helped Sirius put one of the silver studs in his ear, and threw away the needle, replacing the hydrogen peroxide in the bathroom cabinet and giving the lighter back to Sirius. Thomas Meadowes supervised the process, keeping a watchful eye on them as they exited the bathroom.

As she hugged her friends goodbye, Dorcas whispered in Sirius’ ear, just loud enough for Marlene to overhear, but not loud enough for her father to listen in: “I guess I have to keep my promise to make you a dragon earring, now.”

Sirius grinned at her, and one by one, James, Sirius, and Marlene stepped into the green flames of the fireplace to go to their homes.

....

Unfortunately, despite Thomas Meadowes’ promise not to tell Dorcas’ mother about the incident, Euphemia Potter spotted the silver stud in Sirius’ ear all by herself, and, upon discovering how it had gotten there, grounded the two boys for three days.

“At least she didn’t heal it,” Sirius said, admiring his earring in the mirror of his room later that day while James lay on his bed, playing with the snitch Marlene had stolen at the end of the previous year.

“Nah, she wouldn’t do that,” James said, tossing the feeble snitch from hand to hand. “She doesn’t care that you  _ have _ a piercing, she just thinks we’re idiots for doing it ourselves.”

Sirius laughed. “My mother would pitch a fit if she saw me with an earring,” he remarked. “I think just having one is even cooler than two, actually, I like it.”

James glanced over at him, his eyes narrowed slightly, thoughtfully.

“Sirius,” James said after a pause. “What in the world are you doing with Marley?"

“That came out of the fucking blue,” Sirius said, laughing and looking at James over his shoulder in the mirror in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“Look,” James said. “I know it’s been really rough for you. Maybe you want an outlet. But...Marley? I’ve known her since I was seven. Really?”

Sirius only shook his head, laughing again. “Prongs, come on,” he said, rolling his eyes and turning around to face him. “It’s just all in good fun. Mine and Marley’s little joke, I promise.”

James raised his eyebrows doubtfully. “Uh huh,” he said, sounding unconvinced.

“Okay, I’ll admit,” Sirius said, lowering his voice slightly. “She’s fit. I hadn’t really noticed it until now. But she’s one of my best friends. I wouldn’t go there.”

James made a disgusted face when Sirius commented on Marlene’s appearance. “You and Marley have the tendency to take your jokes too far,” he said. “Just...don’t hurt her, okay?”

“I think you’re giving me a bit too much credit if you think I would be able to get to Marley in any way. She’s tougher than any of us,” Sirius remarked. “Chill, James.” But James still didn’t look convinced. He had a resigned look on his face as he looked at his best friend, and he shook his head, sighing.

“Whatever you say, Padfoot.”

Sirius didn’t have the chance to reply, however, as there was a knock on the door. Fleamont Potter stood there, smiling at them. “How’s your ear feeling, Sirius?” He asked, smiling.

Sirius grinned back. “It’s fine,” he said. “Doesn’t my earring look cool?”

“I will not answer that question, as my answer could get me scolded by Euphemia for encouraging you boys,” Fleamont responded, giving Sirius a wink. Sirius beamed happily.

“What’s up, dad?” James asked, sitting up from his bed. Fleamont smiled at him.

“Now, I know you’re grounded, and I shouldn’t be rewarding you for your recklessness—as Euphemia puts it—but I just found something interesting in the attic that I thought might come in handy.” He held out the objects in his hands, and James realized that he was holding two rectangular mirrors in his hands. Sirius and James made their way over curiously.

“What are they?” James asked, exchanging a confused glance with Sirius as Fleamont handed him one of the mirrors, and Sirius the other.

“Two way mirrors,” Fleamont said excitedly. “I found them in a box of old family heirlooms. My father used to tell me about them when I was a boy. He used them, but I never looked for them before. If you speak the name of the person who owns the other mirror into yours, their face will appear. It’s like talking on those Muggle telephones!”

“Wow!” Sirius exclaimed, looking down at the mirror in his hands in sudden wonder, as if it was a treasure of immeasurable worth.

“Try it out!” Fleamont urged.

“James,” Sirius said into the mirror that was holding, and James’ mirror vibrated slightly. When James held up the mirror to his face, his reflection rippled and disappeared, replaced with Sirius’. Sirius gasped, and James knew that his own face must be showing in the other mirror.

“Blimey,” James said, and heard his voice both issuing from both his mouth and the mirror that Sirius was holding, several feet away.

“Wicked,” Sirius said, tilting his mirror from side to side as he looked through it. “We can use these to contact each other when we’re not around. Like in detentions.”

Fleamont beamed. “I thought you lads would enjoy them,” he said, slightly conspiratorially. “Now, just don’t tell your mother. She might not approve.” He went off, back to the library, leaving James and Sirius to examine the mirrors, awed by their new tools of mischief making.

“Now with the map finished, and these mirrors,  _ and _ the invisibility cloak, Hogwarts will be no match,” James said, lowering his mirror. Sirius grinned and lowered his, too, his face disappearing from James’ mirror.

“McGonagall is going to  _ love  _ us this year.”


End file.
